Dear Diary...I'm doing it...I'm saying good-bye
She slammed the diary onto the floor and walked across the empty hallway into her bathroom. She slowly picked up the razor, put it to her wrist and closed her eyes. Then she just stood there, knowing she didn't have the guts to do it. Why was she letting him do this to her.
She was more then beautiful, with her long brown hair and honey colored eyes and just a few freckles on each cheek.
She had just turned 16 the year before and was axious to go to her best friends New Years Party. She met him there, And ever since her life had been miserable. It was her best friends Boyfriend but it wasn't hard to tell he had a thing for her.
They talked for the next 4 months and then when she told him she had a boyfriend he stopped calling her. She was devestated and dumped her boyfriend even though he ment the world to her. Before she knew it she was 17 and it was christmas break. He came to her house, The pain is too much to describe. He didn't call again after that for a month. Again she cried her self to sleep at night trying not to care. And when the pain seemed to be dissapearing he called again but it was only a booty call and she didn't like that. But she did it anyways believing he actually had a thing for her.
She walked out of the bathroom and back into her room. There had to be an easier way to do this and then she thought of it. Pills. She ran into her mothers room and grabbed every kind of pill she could find.
They found her, in her bed, holding a stuffed panda bear tightly in her arms with a smile across her lips and a note that reads: He wasn't so great... look what he did to me
Author notes
Ruffly based on true events
A contest entry
- Your love experiances by Lady-Jane.
250 points, ended March 5, 2008, 15 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - Seeing into the soul by GrimDeath.
275 points, ended March 2, 2008, 16 entries
Bronze trophy winner
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - SECOND CHANCE CONTEST by whichcraft.
100 points, ended March 4, 2008, 2 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - Loss of Innocence by Crying Angel Eyes.
100 points, ended March 31, 2008, 5 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - ALMOST ANYTHING WORKS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! by Cecilia Marlana.
100 points, ended April 10, 2008, 37 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest
hmmm
Comments
1 - 12 of 12
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wow this was like BAM
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The very first impression is that the screaming blue background is painful on the eyes. Something a wee bit more subdued would be nice.
The story... well, pardon me sounding cold, but I can't really sympathize. From what's said, it seems like just a silly, emotionally unstable girl killing herself over the sort of stuff that happens to everyone.
Paragraph five has a huge load of hers and hims by the way, and it gets a bit confusing who they all point to. Maybe this could be clarified a bit. -
Nice
I feel that you could have been a bit more descriptive with this piece. I'm not asking for graphic detail or anything. The subject matter here might be a bit too dark for that. However, I do want to know and love your character before you kill her off and here you didn't give me enough time. Describing the boyfriend and the other man might also draw a reader a bit more. That way they know who they are and can become attached.
I also think the back story was a bit underdeveloped. Tell us about the party, tell us exactly how she felt when she met him. Make us feel.
Other than just giving us more detail and developing the plot more I think you should check your spelling and punctuation. Also, don't use numbers in your writing. Spell out the word.
Good start.
Kepp writing!
- Elisebeginning: 4, language: 2, plot: 3, ending: 3, characters: 2.
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Thanks for the comments i might do a re write of it
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Thank you for being the first to enter my contest however, I don't remember seeing this story in one of my other contests in the list. Can you tell me, in the author's notes, which Whichcraft contest you entered and lost - to be able to win in the Second Chance? Thank you.
In regards to your piece, it's a little depressing and I don't know why some writers have to write about suicide. Women have to be stronger and move on when they are subjected to a bad relationship. Men and women alike experience the worst when falling in love and everyone has to realize that it is a part of life. Bad experiences makes you stronger, not weaker! I have learned a lot of lessons from my own and I am so glad I never took that long and loney road. Life is a wonderful blessing to have been given and we only have just one. Live life to the fullest - be it good or bad but live it just the same.
Thanks for entering and don't forget to add in the author's notes. Thank you. -
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Have you ever considered becoming a Moderator? I think you've got the criteria down. But the question you've got to ask yourself when your at the application form is : Feelin' lucky?
But jokingness aside, you should shoot for it.
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Very nicely describe. There would be more detail for someone who tryes to commite or does commite sucide with pills. Other than that it was a strong ending and it had nice flow and showed true emotion. Good Luck and Thank you for entering
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Nice story!
Although you weren't clear initially as to the meaning of 'calling on her', it became clear later on in the story and became kind of an "OH!" moment for me...
And it needs just a wee bit of proofiing, but that's not what I like to fill my comments up with.
I liked the end of the story, where she's found dead and smiling. I wrote a suicide story where the character smiled all the way to the end, so it was familiar ground to me. In a true pill suicide, there are usually both convulsions and vomiting, rarely smiling, but this was a powerful ending in it's own right,and works very well.
I feel sorry for this girl, and anything that makes me 'feel' is considered good writing in my opinion.
*tips hat*
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I understand this was based on true events, but it needs a little tweaking, just a few suggestions below. I hope they help.
just turned 16(sixteen) the year
, (and)And ever since
the next 4 (four) months and then when she
though he ment(meant) the world to
Before she knew it she was 17(seventeen) and it was (I would start a new paragraph here and also what is the girls name, there are far to many she's in this....)
He came to her house, (what did he do at her house?)The(the) pain is too much to describe.
it was only a booty call and (what is a booty call?)
Sarah.beginning: 3, language: 3, plot: 3, ending: 3, dialog: 3, characters: 3.
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How very sad - was this someone you knew? Some guys are complete pigs, and have no idea what they put girls through - mind you, it sometimes happens the other way around as well!
By the way, a few spelling mistakes in here:
devestated - devastated
dissapearing - disappearing
mothers - mother's (unless she has 2 mothers, in which case it should be mothers')
You are a very good writer. Keep it up!
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thats really sad but really good. Guys really suck kin my opinion!
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Wow.. I like it. Awesome ending too. This story is extremely full of, well detail. Like not so much setting detail, but detail into her past with him and her boyfriend. Good job Amee. Keep writing and keep telling me when you do, lol.
-Kevan
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