I woke up in the middle of the night and wondered why I had the same dream I had earlier. I pulled my soft hair back and sat up.
I picked up the dirty old picture of my dad and right then a tear fell from my eye.1
*Flashback*2
Suddenly a loud smash hit the floor. Mindy stared at the broken glass.
"Daddy, please don't do this, mother didn't mean to, she was drunk, daddy please." Mindy exclaimed.
"I don't give a damn, she should've never gotten drunk in the first place, now bye Mindy." William walked towards the door.3
"But daddy" Mindy jumped over the shattered glass.4
"Were too broke for you too leave and you know it"5
William paused and pondered for seconds and walked out the door.6
*End of Flashback*7
As I came out of the flashback tears brimmed my eyes once again like they had done so many times before. "Why did he have to leave?" I thought brushing the tears away quickly. Soon anger filled my heart for my mother. My mother was the reason he had left. Why didn't he take me with him? Was he afraid I would burden him down or what? What had I done to get left behind? At this point I knew I couldn't sleep anymore so I quickly turned on the light and stared at the picture again quietly cursing my mother for being drunk that night and at my dad for leaving. To this day it still made no sense.8
The next Morning, I got up and thought of calling my best friend Peter and talking too him about what happened years ago. I met him in the seventh grade. I could really talk too him about anything. No matter what Peter had always been there for me..as long as I had known him anyway. Even if he couldn't relate he'd still tried to comfort me and help me in any way possible. 9
"Peter,I'm sorry too just dump this on you , but I miss him so much,and it just hurts to think about it every night,I need comfort."I said tearing up.10
"How about I spend the day with you" Peter suggested. "I'll bring movies and snacks,We'll have fun!" 11
"Sure" I wiped my eyes. "That'll be great; you know how much that means to me ,well see you here in a few, I gonna set my room up" I said with bliss.12
"ok, bye" We hung up.13
I felt so much better when Peter said he would come over. Peter always made me feel better. Especially when something really bad happened, he was always there. I took my navy blue wash cloth and headed for the bathroom.I knew Peter was gonna be here any second.
I turned the silver knob on the sink and started to clean my self up. The hot water felt good on my pale skin. I suddenly forgot about the dream I had that recently and thought about Peter. 14
After I finished washing up, I cleared my room of trash and sat on my bed. " How will I get through this?" I said to my self.15
There was a soft knock at the door.I was sure it was Peter so I jogged walked through the soundless hallway and opened the door briskly.16
"What's up" I said with a huge smile. Peter came in with a crammed bag of activities.17
"Hey Mindy" he said breathless.18
"Let's go to the room before you out do your self" I chuckled.19
Peter was glad to see myself laughing after what happened last night. He was a bit worried about me being hurt all the time.
Author notes
It's not done, but tis getting good!!!!!!!
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Comments
1 - 9 of 9
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I like it, It's a good begining.
I agree , it is getting good,lol.
Keep writing!!
beginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 5.
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Wicked plot, but agree with Mr Typo, maybe you should have woven the flashback into the story a bit more. But I totally understand, flashbacks are hard to write, and amatuar writers find it particularly hard. Oh, and thanks for joining my group, I hope you read the message I send round! (OMG, how old do I sound there!?!)
Good luck, and I hope you flesh it out a bit more, I would really enjoy reading it!
~Ashley~ Xxx
beginning: 5, language: 1, plot: 4, ending: 2, dialog: 1, characters: 2.
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Nice Begining!
I liked your story and the "Flashback" added a lot of background that would have taken a lot of time to actually tell. Flash backs are hard to write and they can seem confusing but I would have liked to see it woven into your story a little better.
The introduction of Peter seemed choppy and I think that a quick rereading would fix it right up.
I will be looking forward to the rest of your story,
Good work! -
I think you have a very good start to what could be a really good story. It drew me in quickly and I really noticed the mood you were trying to get.
The only thing I can suggest is that you fix up the grammar and figure out how to make the flashback seem more natural and make it flow better. Maybe instead of saying *flashback* you could say that she remembered that day and then put the flashback scene in italics.
Anyway, other than those minor details, I think you did a good job. -
I love it! You write way better than I do. I must wonder now if anything happens between Peter and Mindy. I CANT WAIT TO FIND OUT!
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A good start
I like the fact that you had a flashback at the beginnig to give a little more insight into the story, it shows that you really thought about the plot and setting. Its also a fairly realistic situation which draws the reader in because they might be able to relate somehow. I'm definitely looking forward to the next chapter.
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This is good B.B.
Hope you add more too this chapter before you go to the next chapter. Good start also.
I'll give you points, Good job!!!!!
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I believe this story will relate to quite a few people and you bring the situation to light. I am curious to see what happens in the second chapter. How did Peter and the main character meet?
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Liked it a lot, will definately read the next chapter when it's on! Good start!
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