Across thousands of miles; the human mind cannot trace,
Would you see how it'd become, a smile on your face;
Whether it's really up there; above the clouds and sky,
Or as close as your heart; just a touch away.
Would you really dare yourself; to reach that destination,
Results be the best, that you can ever imagine ..
Only time can tell; give you your answers;
But some words will remain forever, buried in the dust.
Others refuse to show themselves, even at eternity's end;
The bliss of rain before your eyes; try to listen.
For it's these ones who remember; whom can see beyond the self,
Live on to their destination; what happiness is about.
Come follow this dream, I beckon to you;
Only one thing I can still say.
Treasure your innocence; before it's too late.
Only the innocent, can find their way.
Beyond the rainbows, there is indeed,
That pot of gold that you've always dreamt.
But look around; and there's nothing left,
We've had our chances, turned over to somebody else.
Author notes
"I have read the rules and if I qualify for the Round 1, I will continue onwards to the finals."
A contest entry
- The Poet's Challenge: Round X by Asfand.
175 points, ended October 9, 2007, 21 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest
Comments
-
Beautiful, but I'm so iffy about abstract poetry. However! I won't let that take away from your lovely word-age and uhhh... style! Yes that's it! ^_^
Title ~ 7.5/10
Depth ~ 8/10 (I'm sure there was more depth in there than I saw)
Imagery ~ 12/15
Format ~ 9/10
Feeling ~ 7.8/10 (I didn't really feel anything reading this, abstract or not.)
Theme ~ 16/20
Flow ~ 14/15
Understanding ~ 8/10
Total ~*~ 82.3/100
PS. You might want to check my math on that total... I'm a right brained person >< -
Abstract ~
Very abstract, emotional abstract is the hardest mind you and not to be taken lightly ~
I think that you don't use many possesives and that fails to catch me or captivate me ~
It is always good to do everything in balance ~
Never too on this side, or that one ~ never too clear to be straightforward, and never very shy and vague ~
Overall, some great imagery and metaphors ~
Thanks for entering and good luck ~
Title ~ 7.6/10
Depth ~ 8.7/10
Imagery ~ 12/15
Format ~ 8.3/10
Feeling ~ 7.9/10
Theme ~ 15/20
Flow ~ 11.3/15
Understanding ~ 6/10
Total ~*~ 76.8/100 -
Co-Judge Callthexylophone
Well, I give you points on excellent grammar, but this was too abstract to have meaning, and not abstract enough to be artful. Something about dreams or youth? I don't really know what was going on, and I can't feel what you were trying to get across.
Title ~ 7/10
Depth ~ 6/10
Imagery ~ 11/15
Format ~ 6/10
Feeling ~ 6/10
Theme ~ 13/20
Flow ~ 12/15
Understanding ~ 4/10
Total ~*~ 65/100
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