Trying hard to find the words to say
Tied up and strangled by thoughts lost
Spiraling away from you slowly
Impulsiveness has a cost
All I am is an empty bottle
floating blindly in stagnant seas
No message, no thought,
Not me, not you.
Whispers swiftly passing
A blur of hollow meanings
Not the way I want to end,
Not the way I want us to end.
And yet, I'm falling away
Bending back into quotidian moments
Even if it's hurts me so,
I like it better this way.
A contest entry
- The Poet's Challenge: Round X by Asfand.
175 points, ended October 9, 2007, 21 entries
Honorable mention
• next story in this contest, remove from contest
Comments
-
Nicely done ~
A nice poem ~
It was very soft and lush, a little imagery tossed here and there ~
Good job ~
You couls use a better format to even out the scanning and such, and to enhance flow ~
Second last line *it's* ought to be *it*
It was emotional and all that, good verbiage used -- a nice entry ~
Title was nice, I can't say it's cliche, because I have not seen it anywhere ~
Good luck and thanks for entering ~
Title ~ 9/10
Depth ~ 8.6/10
Imagery ~ 12/15
Format ~ 7/10
Feeling ~ 8.7/10
Theme ~ 15/20
Flow ~ 12/15
Understanding ~ 9.7/10
Total ~*~ 82/100
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Co-Judge Callthexylophone
Ok, I like the way you write and your vocabulary, but I have no idea what the hell you're talking about ^_^ and I mean that in a semi-polite way. I understand it's someting about drifting apart from each other and trying to find the right way to part... but still. Too wafty and wavy for me.
And "it's" should be "it"
Title ~ 8/10 (A little cliche, but at least it stays to the topic.)
Depth ~ 9/10
Imagery ~ 14/15
Format ~ 9/10
Feeling ~ 8/10
Theme ~ 16/20
Flow ~ 13/15
Understanding ~ 3/10
Total ~*~ 80/100 -
really liked it, enjoyed the metaphors and symbolism.
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