From the heart .
Freedom give us freedom.
Let its light shine in our lives
Strike loose the chains that bind us to convention for freedom is our birthright.
Freedom to love, freedom to live
freedom is being alive.
Let us walk where our feet take us
breath in the air of consciousness
Let us swim in the river of life and lie
on her cool shady banks.
Society take your hooks from out our flesh
do not enslave our minds in useless rites
or blind our intellect with innuendoes
and flowery words.
Too long have you kept us down.
Like adolescents to be looked upon as children
having no minds of our own with no say in our future
Like Children open to your whims whatever form they take.
What does it take to be free?
What more can we give you?
You already have our dearest possessions
our youth our strength even the blood and sweat from our bodies.
And still will you claim payment from us even in death.
12\10\92.
Author notes
one of my earliest efforts.
A contest entry
- The Poet's Challenge: Round X by Asfand.
175 points, ended October 9, 2007, 21 entries
Honorable mention
• next story in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 6 of 6
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I think this is good.
I like it.
Keep writing!!!
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Many thanks myeisha.
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Co-Judge Callthexylophone
"or blind our intellect with innuendoes
and flowery words." .....But that's what you did....... however, this poem is very old, so I'm not going to think that all your poetry is like this, however, I still have to grade it on the same standards.
Title ~ 7/10
Depth ~ 9/10
Imagery ~ 12/15
Format ~ 8/10
Feeling ~ 8/10
Theme ~ 16/20
Flow ~ 12/15
Understanding ~ 9/10
Total ~*~ 82/100 -
Impressive ~
Some parts worked from - some did not ~
On the whole, this poem is in my good books, a wonderful entry but needs polishing ~
Starting with title ~ VERY CLICHE ~ a write like this deserves creativity in the title, something 'From the heart' lacked ~
Format was very bad, your line breaks were negligible and it was overall badly represented and scanned ~
Some very wonderful metaphors ~
*air of consciousness*
*on her cool shady banks*
Over all, a nice entry ~
Good luck and thanks for entering ~
Title ~ 7.8/10
Depth ~ 9/10
Imagery ~ 13.6/15
Format ~ 7.3/10
Feeling ~ 8.9/10
Theme ~ 18.2/20
Flow ~ 13.1/15
Understanding ~ 9.7/10
Total ~*~ 87.6/100
*freedom - freedom - freedom*
A major repetition, but not needed for your poem at all. Repetition is an art, and a very difficult one, your hurt the poem rather then adding to it ~
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really good
This is like really good. I can see that it really does come from the heart. Wow. I actually really like it. Good job and keep up the excellent work -
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Hi olinda, many thanks for your thoughts on
freedom .
much appreaciated....Bill
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