Troubles like a whirlwind,
Spin around my head.
I try to do what's right,
But mess it up instead.
I don't know why this happens,
I'm really quite a joy.
My dad says it happens,
'Cause I shoulda been a boy.
There's a little bit of devil,
Mixed in with lots of energy,
The two fuss and battle,
Over my femininity.
Papa says do not worry;
Do not cry;
Like a caterpillar does,
You'll emerge a butterfly.
Author notes
"I have read the rules and if I qualify for the Round 1, I will continue onwards to the finals."
A contest entry
- The Poet's Challenge: Round X by Asfand.
175 points, ended October 9, 2007, 21 entries
Honorable mention
• next story in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
-
Co-Judge Callthexylophone
Hmm... I like the topic a lot. I think you did pretty well, but a couple of lines just sound funny, like "I'm really quite a joy" and the rythym for "mixed in with lots of energy" is off, maybe try "mixed in with energy."
Title ~ 4/10
Depth ~ 9/10
Imagery ~ 10/15
Format ~ 8/10
Feeling ~ 9/10
Theme ~ 17/20
Flow ~ 12/15
Understanding ~ 19/10
Total ~*~ 88/100 -
Touchy topic ~
A rather controversial issue ~
I liked the message conveyed in this, it was strong and passionate ~
Some lines struck me good, right in the spot but others just meagred away ~
Sometimes the flow was great, but in the next few lines it broke up into pieces I couldn't even pick up ~
The rhyming at some places seemed forced ~
Chatspeak 'cause' 'shoulda' is not a good touch in a poem ~
I liked the ending ~ a little hope afterall, eh?
Some very touching moments ~
I liked the 'Litlhurry' title, though explaining it right in the title was not a good touch ~ Author's Noted suffice for such things ~
It was directed towards a certain audience ~ not all of them ~ but it is still good ~
Overall, a nice entry ~
Good luck and thanks for entering ~
Title ~ 9.2/10
Depth ~ 7.8/10
Imagery ~ 11.2/15
Format ~ 7/10
Feeling ~ 8.5/10
Theme ~ 16.7/20
Flow ~ 13/15
Understanding ~ 10/10
Total ~*~ 83.4/100
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