“Another day begins” James thought sadly as he tramped on his way to school. The sun was shining, bathing the world in wonderful warmth and the birds were in full song. Yet, he was not happy. His parents and two older brothers had noticed. He had seen them exchanging worried glances over dinner last night. He knew they all cared deeply for him and he was spoilt as only a youngest child can be. It was just he felt like he wasn’t a part of it. Like he didn’t actually belong in that setting.1
As always, he glanced up at the wonderful marble buildings while he turned onto Sanagrin Main Street. The sun was making the buildings gleam and James felt his heart lift at the sights and sounds of people on their way to work, or talking happily or dropping off children at school. It seemed like an ideal town and indeed it was.2
He slouched into Baxtor Memorial High and took a seat in his first class. It was English and all they were doing was reading a dull play from the time of independence. Every so often he looked up from the book and noticed his various classmates. Sanagrin was a real mix and match of the various cultures and races that made up the continent of Athlas.3
At the table in front of him, Dyxsler seemed to be drawing something in his book rather than reading it. Dyxsler was a Dratherian and such was a reptile. Even though he was only 16, he stood well over 7 foot and was coated in a strong bony casing. He really was a character. Mr. Harte, the English teacher was quick to notice the Dratherian’s boredom4
“If you would prefer to be doodling, Mr Dyxsler, then could I suggest the Art Department? I hear it has much paper you could use as opposed to one of my valuable books”5
Dyxsler stopped instantly but kept the same rogue grin. As soon as Harte had taken his eyes of the Reptile he was straight into the book again with his pen, lazily drawing reptiles, planes or whatever he had seen on television the night before. It was a constant battle between the two for control of the class.6
In the very corner of the room, relaxing as always, sat Seth. Seth never actually seemed to do any work and yet he always walked away with the best grades in the class. Seth was a Xiscapian and bore the physical traits of that race. He possessed the body of a human but the ears, eyes and tail of a fox. He was also faster and more agile than anyone sitting in the room. He was currently sitting with his feet on the desk, the sun gleaming off his silvery hair and he had a dreamy look in his large round eyes. James let his own eyes drop back down to the play. Whereas Seth could never glance at a book and still get Grade A’s, James was not so fortunate. He would have to work hard this term to bring up his rather average grades.7
It was halfway through the class when something very strange happened. There was a knock on the door and before anybody could see or answer it opened and a girl stood at the door. A Xiscapian, she was small, shorter than James, and very slimly built, the blazer looked far too big although skirt seemed to fit fine. Her bushy tail flicked nervously as she walked towards Harte’s desk. Her long purple hair glinted as though it were made of diamond strands. She was good-looking, James admitted, but not as good as some of the other girls in the class. Terri Anderson being one of them.8
As the girl walked up to Harte’s desk, James heard a thud behind him. He noticed that Seth had taken his feet off the table and now looked very alert. He also seemed to be nervous and had his hand on something inside his blazer pocket. James’ eyes narrowed as he watched Seth for a moment, Seth seemingly not noticing his stare, before his attention turned back to the girl at the front of the class. She was talking to Harte now who also seemed to be taking a keen interest. She spoke quietly and shyly9
“My name’s Abigail, I’ve been transferred here from Emperor’s High?”10
“Really? Let me see the Transfer papers please?”11
Abigail took the yellow piece of paper out of her skirt pocket and dutifully handed it to Harte. He glanced over it quickly. James also see him glance towards the atlas in the corner of the room12
“Ah, yes…okay…right” He handed it back to her “This all seems to be in order Ms. Abigail, you may take a book from the back of the class and find a seat. Are there any available?”13
James put his hand up slowly as he knew the only empty desk in the class was the one beside him. Harte watched her walked away and then leant over to get something from the drawers to the right of his desk. He struggled for a moment then, smiling, stopped. Those drawers had never opened in all the time that he had been at this school14
‘But Harte knows that and he knows that my desk is empty’ He thought as the girl, book in hand, walked anxiously over to James’ desk and gave him a strange calculating stare before sitting in the seat next to him. She opened the book and began to read with her chin resting in her hands, judging from the look in her eyes; she already knew the book back to front. Who was this strange girl? He quickly tore a scrap of paper out of his exercise book nearby, drawing the attention of Harte who glanced up from his own book. James indicated what he had done and was rewarded with a disapproving nod as Harte returned to his own reading.15
James quickly scribbled a few words on the small piece of paper before rolling it slowly across the desk and under Abigail’s arm. She took the paper and read it for a moment16
“What’s your name” She whispered softly, so softly even James could barely hear it.17
She then turned the page over and wrote on the back of it before rolling the paper back up and swinging it under the table and into James’ open hand ‘whoa’ he thought as he unwrapped the page and read the name inwardly to himself18
‘Abigail Lockhart’19
He glanced over his arm and noticed that Abigail looking at him. He could see her large orange eyes that bore a strange fierceness to them. She was smiling at him, bearing the canine teeth that all Xiscapians bore. Speaking of Xiscapians he looked over his shoulder and noticed that Seth, although no longer staring at the new girl, was gazing blankly at the wall ahead as though he had a lot on his mind. He probably had.20
Once the class had ended and emptied James walked over to Abigail in the corridor and raised his hand in greeting21
“Hi” he said22
She seemed to jump and spun quickly to face him. She nodded a greeting to him23
“Hi” she replied in a rather light and accented voice24
“What have you got next?” he asked her having to raise his voice over the growing bustle of the other students. He watched her check25
“Science. Double”26
“Me too!”27
She smiled at him “great! You can show me the way there”28
He nodded and gave a small smile of his own “certainly”29
They began to walk off down the corridor, James’ heart having lifted just a little bit.30
Over the next few days, Abigail became bolder and more talkative. She also seemed to be extremely smart. A match at last for the infamous Seth. It was during maths class when Mrs Venables was asking the question a particularly difficult question. Everybody sighed and waited for Seth’s deep voice to pierce the silence with the answer, well all accept Dyxsler who was busy trying to perfect the Paper-plane design. Instead, the answer was given by a light and uncaring voice from behind James’ desk. The entire class turned in shock, even Dyxsler looking up from his masterpiece. It was Abigail with her hand lazily in the air. Mrs Venables stuttered for a second31
“Correct…Abigail and on such a question too!”32
James let his gaze slip from the round orange eyes and long purple hair of Abigail to the silver, neck length hair and green eyes of Seth in the back corner. He seemed to be sulking and hanging back. He was staring at Abigail with a sort of resentment. It puzzled James. Did they know each other? Or was Seth just jealous?33
Later in the day it was time for Gym, James’ favourite subject, and as usual the girls changed arrived much later after the boys had come out and stretched the muscles. The girls arrived, all giggling and posing apart from the few serious ones that were actually interested in Sports. Abigail was amongst those actually being serious. Mr Lewis, the Gym instructor and part-time body builder, bounced out and indicated that the students should follow him through a nearby door.34
As the boys followed, puzzled and the girls laughed and strutted through James looked for Abigail or any competitors amongst the competition. Of course Dyxsler would be one. Gym was the only subject he actually paid attention in. Seth would be another, his lean and rather skinny body disguised the muscle he bore and that is without mentioning the supreme fitness he possessed. The students stopped and gasped.35
Before them was a full-size climbing wall. It looked massive from one end of the hall but as they got closer and closer it appeared far more daunting. It looked impassable. The various reactions were greatly different. A few boys and girls were staring at the wall with worried looks. A few of the more athletic students, including Dyxsler, were already starting to limber up and prepare for the inevitable mountain that they would have to climb. Seth was just staring up at it, calm as ever.36
Quickly he fired a look at Abigail who returned it. To James there seemed to be a pleading in his eyes, a begging. Abigail did not seem to be returning his gaze with any sympathy. Seth broke eye contact; it looked like he lowered his head slightly.37
Mr. Lewis jumped out and began to speak with a big grin on his face 38
“Greetings, Class!”39
A few weak smiles were returned40
“Today, we are going to conquer Mt. Plastic-Hill Inc!”41
Another few weak smiles from the class, most were starting to psyche themselves up for the big challenge they knew was coming42
“You are going to be the first class at Baxtor Memorial High to climb this magnificent creation! An honour! You will race in pairs, first to the top in the fastest wins a prize! First two are Adam Jones and Joey Jordan! GO!”43
Two of the smaller boys raced forward and began to attach themselves to the harness. There were three guide ropes, one for each competitor and one for Mr. Lewis in case one of the racers found himself stuck. It turned out to be a good feature as one competitor found himself tangled just below halfway while the other got stuck slightly further ahead. Mr. Lewis climbed strongly and managed to help both boys to the top. Pair after pair climbed to the top boys versus boys and the girls against each other. The girls didn’t really take to the task and so Mr Lewis was forever climbing the wall to try and rescue the girls who had gotten lost or tangled with their harnesses or simply looked down at the floor and gotten cold feet.44
Then it was Dyxsler and James’ turn to go and both ran towards the wall. James stopped and started to strap himself into the harness. Dyxsler growled, ignored the safety rope and started to climb, throwing his large bone covered claws into each gap and hauling himself up. James started to climb as well but Dyxsler was well ahead, grunting with the effort of climbing so quickly sweat started to drip from his brow. James continued to climb but it was inevitable that the Dratherian would get to top first. He pulled himself up and stood on the edge roaring his victory as James reached the top. He found clawed hand stretching down to him. He grabbed it and felt himself being pulled up over the edge of the climbing frame. He smiled at the sweaty and grinning face of the Reptile 45
“Well…done…better…luck…next…time!” he panted between deep breaths of air.46
“Yeah! Well done, James” Lewis stated as he recorded Dyxsler’s time “You’re first at the moment boy so hold your breath and hope this pair don’t beat you”47
Dyxsler grinned and waited with his arms folded, he knew his risk would pay off and that prize would be his. There was only one pair left. Seth waited patiently at the bottom of the wall his flickering tail was the sign of nerves. Lewis blew his whistle and Seth launched himself at the wall. He quickly and easily attached himself into the harness and launched himself up the wall. He found every hole and handle as he elegantly jumped from ledge to ledge. He was going to beat Dyxsler’s time easily as he neared the top of the wall. Once he jumped over the top, his time would be recorded. Suddenly he slowed down, as though he was suddenly out of breath. Mr. Lewis peered over the edge and shouted down48
“Come on Seth! Nearly there! You can still win!”49
The rest of the class started to cheer and shout their encouragement as Seth slowly started to move again. When he had reached the top, Mr Lewis snapped his finger down on the stopwatch and shook his head.50
“You were only just beaten, Seth. Tough luck”51
Seth seemed to nod sadly; his silvery mop of hair had lost none of its shine despite the tough climb he had just endured. James looked at him suspiciously for a moment. Despite stopping at the top, Seth wasn’t even out of breath. On the contrary he seemed annoyed more than anything else as he peered over the wall to watch the final pair. Abigail and Terri Anderson were the last pair up the wall. As they were both girls, Mr Lewis hadn’t banked on them posing a serious challenge for the likes of Dyxsler or Seth, even though the later had had a poor climb.52
The boys were betting on who would reach the top first and the sensible bet seemed to be on Terri, a climber in her spare time. Abigail started at the wall and didn’t seem even the slightest bit concerned about the challenge in front of her. Mr. Lewis watched the girls ready themselves before blowing his whistle.53
Abi and Terri ran forward, both ignoring the harnesses and tearing up the wall quickly. James watched in surprise as Abi climbed the wall with all the grace and elegance of a cat, swinging quickly and easily from ledge to ledge, like Seth but faster.54
Terri was going quickly as well but she was falling behind the rapid Xiscapian, her tail swinging from side to side as she swung. She flipped over the edge and stood there, not even out of breath. Stunned, Mr Lewis looked at the stopwatch then at an equally stunned Dyxsler55
“Sorry, you’ve been beaten by a rather considerable margin”56
Abi grinned and walked off, her purple hair wafting in front of the boys drawing their gaze after the Xiscapian as if they were in a trance. Terri stood there with her hands on her hips, panting heavily and with a red face, her long blonde hair damp with sweat. James grinned and walked to catch up with the victorious Xiscapian.57
“Hey!”58
She turned around and smiled at him “Hey!”59
He smiled back, but his smile was more in puzzlement than anything else “Where did you learn to do that?”60
“Do what?”61
“That”62
“What?”63
“The mountain assault course! Terri’s been climbing since she was five and you walked all over her”64
Abi gave a mischievous smile and whispered in his ear65
“That’s for me to know and you to find out”66
As she turned, she noticed one of the boy’s, Sean Thomas, staring at her with a disapproving look on his face. Their eyes met and James was left cold by the feeling of dislike between them.67
And with that she was gone.
Author notes
I know this is one hell of a long opening but bear with it. Tell me if it is any good and I'll decide whether it's worth the effort of pursueing it or not
Second part of this Chapter:
http://storywrite.com/story/111859
A contest entry
- ANYTHING AT ALL, LOSERS! by Springs.
360 points, ended October 17, 2007, 45 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - ~I didn't know what to call it,so this is it~ by Ninja Bubble.
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• next story in this contest, remove from contest - The Pot Of Stew: A Mixture of Here and There by Miss Hanako Cullen.
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Honorable mention
• next story in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 29 of 29
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Ooooh!!
Well written!!!! I couldn't keep my eyes off it. Every event seemed to weave with the other. I got confused at parts as to who the main character and there were, indeed, some tense changes and some characters seemed to come out of nowhere. Even with those mistakes, though, I understood where you were going with it. I liked the description and yes it was FAIRLY long. Keep writing, my friend. -
this is awesome lol keep writin
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Wow!
I am so disappointed that I haven't read this before now. This is brilliant. You are excellent at describing your characters, and your imagery is flawless.
There is the odd spelling or grammer mistake, but nothing to distract from the storyline.
I also noticed that a lot of people here said that they didn't like the overly lengthy descriptions, but I myself love very descriptive stories, and get bored without vivid imagery.
I don't usually like the fantsy genre, but this is definately changing my mind! I will definately be reading more of this tonight (as I'm kind of busy today lol, so I'll be on and off here), so don't worry about that!
Well done, this could definately become a novel,
~Miranda xx
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I believe I had read this before and I liked it then and now. I think a little more detail about what they look like could be added, I would suggest for this site to split long chapters into two, so you have chapter one, part one and then part to. You may get more readers that way.
This is my opinion, there is a lot to take in and enjoy, you have a way with words and I encourage you to continue.
Nice job on the storyline.
Sarah. -
♥ oH MAN THAT WAS LONG ♥
Though when saying that it was an intersting concept and storyline...
You did delve into the characaters quite a but, maybe a little to much I am not sure, I cannot complain cause I was not bored with this peice..
I can tell however the effort and writing was well worded and thought out with precisly the right amount of conflict, emotion, character decription and scenery...
It might take me a little while to get used to the fantasy genre but we all live in this world to learn new things and your story might just let me in on what fantasy has to offer
♥ blair
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Well, what can I say about this story? It was pretty good story line wise. But it needed some more *Punch* you know?
If you keep working at it, and editing it I'm certain this will be a marvelous piece! As for my review, I say well done and keep working on it!
Nice Work!
beginning: 5, language: 3, plot: 2, ending: 5, dialog: 4, characters: 2.
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Cheers for the comment,
I know this part is a bit dull but it all kicks off in the second part
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Commentary
Read below for the possible corrections...
• “Another day begins” James thought sadly as he tramped on his way to school. The sun was shining, bathing the world in wonderful warmth and the birds were in full song. Yet, he was not happy. His parents and two older brothers had noticed. He had seen them exchanging worried glances over dinner last night. He knew they all cared deeply for him and he was spoiled as only a youngest child can be. It was just he felt like he wasn’t a part of it like he didn’t actually belong in that setting.
• “If you would prefer to be doodling, Mr. Dyxsler, then could I suggest the Art Department? I hear it has much paper you could use as opposed to one of my valuable books”
• It was halfway through the class when something very strange happened. There was a knock on the door and before anybody could see or answer it opened and a girl stood at the door. A Xiscapian, she was small, shorter than James, and very slimly built, the blazer looked far too big although skirt seemed to fit fine. Her bushy tail flicked nervously as she walked towards Harte’s desk. Her long purple hair glinted as though it were made of diamond strands. She was good-looking, James admitted, but not as well as some of the other girls in the class. Terri Anderson being one of them.
• (LAST SENTENCE: ONE OF THE WORDS CAN BE DROPPED FOR IT MEANS THE SAME THING)As the girl walked up to Harte’s desk, James heard a thud behind him. He noticed that Seth had taken his feet off the table and now looked very alert. He also seemed to be nervous and had his hand on something inside his blazer pocket. James’ eyes narrowed as he watched Seth for a moment, Seth seemingly not noticing his stare, before his attention turned back to the girl at the front of the class. She was talking to Harte now who also seemed to be taking a keen interest. She spoke quietly and shyly
• “Really? May I see the Transfer papers please?”
• Abigail took the yellow piece of paper out of her skirt pocket and dutifully handed it to Harte. He glanced over it quickly. James also saw him glance towards the atlas in the corner of the room
• Once the class had ended and emptied, James walked over to Abigail in the corridor and raised his hand in greeting
• She seemed to jump and spun quickly to face him; and then nodded a greeting to him
• She smiled at him “Great! You can show me the way there”
• He nodded and gave a small smile of his own “Certainly”
• Later in the day it was time for Gym, James’ favourite subject, and as usual the girls changed arrived much later after the boys had come out and stretched the muscles. The girls arrived, all giggling and posing apart from the few serious ones that were actually interested in Sports. Abigail was amongst those actually being serious. Mr. Lewis, the Gym instructor and part-time body builder, bounced out and indicated that the students should follow him through a nearby door.
• Quickly he fired a look at Abigail who returned it. To James, there seemed to be a pleading in his eyes, a begging. Abigail did not seem to be returning his gaze with any sympathy. Seth broke eye contact; it looked like he lowered his head slightly.
• Two of the smaller boys raced forward and began to attach themselves to the harness. There were three guide ropes, one for each competitor and one for Mr. Lewis in case one of the racers found himself stuck. It turned out to be a good feature as one competitor found himself tangled just below halfway while the other got stuck slightly further ahead. Mr. Lewis climbed strongly and managed to help both boys to the top. Pair after pair climbed to the top boys versus boys and the girls against each other. The girls didn’t really take to the task and so Mr. Lewis was forever climbing the wall to try and rescue the girls who had gotten lost or tangled with their harnesses or simply looked down at the floor and gotten cold feet.
• Seth seemed to nod sadly; his silvery mop of hair had lost none of its shine despite the tough climb he had just endured. James looked at him suspiciously for a moment. Despite stopping at the top, Seth wasn’t even out of breath. On the contrary he seemed annoyed more than anything else as he peered over the wall to watch the final pair. Abigail and Terri Anderson were the last pair up the wall. As they were both girls, Mr. Lewis hadn’t banked on them posing a serious challenge for the likes of Dyxsler or Seth, even though the later had had a poor climb.
• Abi and Terri ran forward, both ignoring the harnesses and tearing up the wall quickly. James watched in surprise as she climbed the wall with all the grace and elegance of a cat, swinging quickly and easily from ledge to ledge, like Seth but faster.
• Terri was going quickly as well but she was falling behind the rapid Xiscapian, her tail swinging from side to side as she swung. She flipped over the edge and stood there, not even out of breath. Stunned, Mr. Lewis looked at the stopwatch then at an equally stunned Dyxsler
Other from the possible corrections, with the lack of periods, the write would seem to roll on top of each other even though there are spaces in-between them. -
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Yeah, this one of the first things I wrote so there are a lot of mistakes there that are no longer used in the other parts (I hope) Thanks for your comment
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Average
Huh, this was in my view average. Too many characters for me. Yes it was better than you last story/screenplay but that was awful so of course it would be better. (All people who do screenplays/scripts on this site are terrible at them) I'm not going to apologise because it's your fault not mine. If there are any other stories who have to defend yourself with, please send me thr link.
DD YouNeedHelp -
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Gettin' better. First Shocking then Average and now I'll see if I can go the full nine yards
http://storywrite.com/story/128871
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Your story holds a lot of good description and in a few parts only, there are some tense changes (from past to present to past again).
You have quite a lot of punctuation mistakes. A simple spellcheck would have fixed that problem and something you should improve on with your future works. This is something that can be easily improved.
Having different races in your story was a good twist and I am wondering how they will affect the story later on.
For such a large first chapter, it should have more direction as to what the reader is going to expect. It appears to be a character driven story and has the theme of jealousy between the two characters. There's no real mention of a plot in such a large first chapter, really. I'm not sure what this story is about. If this is to get the reader to read the second chapter, you're taking a chance that they will go on to the next. -
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I have TERRIBLE grammar problems so please bear with them. Ordinarily this would be one single chapter but the length of it meant that it was easier to read. I did not intend for this to read as a stand alone chapter
There is more action in the second part I can assure you
THANKS FOR THE COMMENT
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Though long...it held my attention
Aden Recreated
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it was a good read and i enjoyed it
it was very long but still kept my attention
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Thanks for the comment, if you could get onto the second part at some point, I'd appreciate it
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Most of your problems are with punctuation. Missing commas mostly,
“Another day begins” James thought
since this is a thought it should either be in italics or single quotes. double quotes are for spoken dialogue.
Watch putting too many ideas into one paragraph. It throws off the flow and makes it feel rushed.
for example
The sun was shining, bathing
should start a new paragraph
your description and character building are well done.
Other than punctuation your dialogue flows well.
You capture the readers attention well. Keeping them reading through the end of the part. I enjoyed reading this. Keep up the good work.
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Way, way better than your script
Well, I know that you can write now. Despite the length it doesn't get dull, and I like the way the plot is woven. The ending hints at future conflict, while the entrance of Abi looks likely to create some sort of love interest. The language used is good. See? You don't ned to use swear words to make a story interesting! It reminds me Noughts and Crosses. The weirdest thing about this story is the race thing. I don't think this is essential to the story, as this is more a tale of jealousy so far as I can make out, rather than a fantasy. This story would work fine if it was set in a real country with just humans. It's not that I think it takes anything away from the story, it's just that I feel it's an unnecessary addition used to try and give this story a unique selling point. Which it doesn't need. The concept of fancying a fox-like creature... I just can't get my head around that. From a romance point of view I think readers could better connect with the characters if the characters were human. Is James a human? By any chance have you played Oblivion? Because the line: "Sanagrin was a real mix and match of the various cultures and races that made up the continent of Athlas" sounds pretty like it. Overall this is a quantam leap over that script. It's engaging to read, well written and on the whole benefits from good characterisation. Well Done!
beginning: 4, language: 4, plot: 4, ending: 5, dialog: 3, characters: 4.
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Thanks for the Confidence boost
That is a massive relief!
I know I'm dreadful at script writing (READ: Useless) and I'll stay clear of it from now on. Although the Landrover part was actually true, I think I'll withdraw and delete it. The Sectarian reference is not something I'm favour of.
If you could read the second part at some point, I'd appreciate it. It does change later in the chapter
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This is a very interesting piece! Early in the beginning you let the reader know that your characters are not just human, they are a mixture of different species and cultures. You have some very puzzling names ;D
The story plot is good, however you have some minor faults towards the end..
(“Sorry, you’ve been beaten by a rather considerable margin”
Abi grinned and walked off, her purple hair wafting in front of the boys drawing their gaze after the Xiscapian as if they were in a trance. Terri stood there with her hands on her hips, panting heavily and with a red face, her long blonde hair damp with sweat. James grinned and walked up to her.
“Hey!”
She turned around and smiled at him “Hey!”
He smiled back, but his smile was more in puzzlement than anything else “Where did you learn to do that?”
“Do what?”
“That”
“What?”
“The mountain assault course! Terri’s been climbing since she was five and you walked all over her”
I had to read this particular section through a few times. I thought that James was talking to Terri, not Abi...maybe just edit and reword this section...but maybe its just me, lol
there are some other punctuation mistakes but other than that, I was drawn in from the start to the finish.
Just one question though..
Is there another part? ;D
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Thanks for the advice. I'll change it immediately
Second part is here
http://storywrite.com/story/111859
THANKS AGAIN
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Nice
Very nice, i really like the way that you have created the creatures, and incorporated them so well in the story.
Just like a few other people mentioned, a few grammar mistakes here and there, not too many though.beginning: 5, language: 4, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 5.
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Thanks for the comment!
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Wow
I loved it my face was attached to the screen until I had to changed the song I was listening to.Well I got to go eat.Just so you know the name Soldier boy doesn't mean I am a boi I am a girl.
beginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 5.
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Thanks for the comment, it changes slightly in the second part.
The thought was never out of my mind about your name
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Ok this was really good kept me glued to the screen, i'll give my final comment for the 2nd part!
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Okay loved the story, took me a few seconds to realise the creatures were from your imagination and they are fab, so different from anything else I have ever read.
Now my only downer on this and it no big deal, just needs a little tweaking here and there, mainly full stops, there are few missing, and as shown below, you need comas before the second speech mark.
happily or leaving off children. It seemed (to me leaving off children didn't quite sound right, do you think dropping off children--would work better?
“Hi(,)” he said(.)
I hope this helps, plan to read more as I want to know more about Abi...
Sarah.
beginning: 3, language: 3, plot: 3, ending: 3, dialog: 3, characters: 2.
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Thanks for the advice, My grammar's always been shakey. I'll work on it
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"Parents" doesn't need to be capitalized unless it begins the sentence.
Double check spelling
spoilt should be spoiled for example
As always he glanced up at the wonderful marble buildings as he turned onto Sanagrin Main Street.
a couple things with this sentence...
the "as" is repetitive and needs a comma after always. in my opinion, I'd change it to something like
As always, he glanced up at the wonderful marble buildings while turning onto Sanagrin Main Street.
There are a few punctuation problems through the story (mostly missing commas)
The description is well done as is the dialogue. You build up the characters believably. The only thing I would honestly suggest is breaking this up into smaller pieces to get more reads. Otherwise it was well done. good piece.
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