His body is thrown across outstretched hands, all struggling to get one finger on his sweat saturated t-shirt. There is one girl, small and delicate, all decorated in bright colors and dark eyeliner, that is lifted above the crowd on the arms of friends. Desperate to reach him, she extends her tiny hand with beautiful, neon pink finger nails. He catches them in his grasp. Her sweet face lights up even in this dark club, but he is soon pulled away.
“Pete! Pete!” She calls, but shortly after she is swallowed back into the searing crowd. Pete is handed back to the stage. The vivid red Fender is pressed into his clammy, tattooed hands. He presses his mouth to microphone to mutter some choice words and to thank the throng of dancing bodies.
Pete screeches as piercing and hoarse as the lungs beneath his visible ribcage will allow and sends the pick across his cords. The crowd doesn’t seem to recognize or care that he is a dreadful musician.
They just want to see him.
Drink him in; they are attracted to him like no other person that has ever caught their eye before. Pete is their savior, their messiah. The rest of the bands: his disciples. He voices his appreciation to them one more time, followed by his skinny little legs running off the stage.
The crowd wants him back, but he can give them no more. That will take away from his control over that crowd. Those boys and girls that want him so bad.
Pete laughs and stops backstage.
“When are we going?” Comes a voice behind him. Pete sighs now.
The only one who can have control over him.
“I dunno….” He mumbled, going in for a hug. Jeanae pushed his hands away, smoke from the bud of her cigarette curling around her pouting lips and metal lip ring.
“Well, I want to go,” she told him, her black hair falling away from her attractive face as she gave her head a little shake. “Now.”
“Alright, alright,” Pete left to go tell everyone he was leaving and saw the lead singer of his band sitting on a metal chair, fiddling with his cell phone. He looked nervous.
“Pete!” Pat looks relieved. “Can you give me a ride home? The bus doesn’t run on weekends.”
“What about Anna?” Pete asks, already knowing the answer.
“She didn’t answer her phone.”
“Oh.” Pete says, trying to look like he cared.
He didn’t have time for this, he had BIG plans. A campaign to take over the world.
Dark eye-makeup, Converse shoes, tight jeans, bright hoodies, and that awful, shaggy hair. Have you noticed any of that upon your person?
Believe whatever he tells you, the words that come out of those lips will be your bible.
He knows the truth; you cannot hear anything else, any other reasoning. They are lies, and Pete speaks with honesty.
Only know love for him and this scene. Love for anything other is a fabrication of the others’ beliefs. It does not exist.
Won’t fall for this? That is laughable, because, sweetheart, you already have.
Author notes
uhhh...yes, i did base this off a famous guy, kudos to you if you know who it is.
A contest entry
- The Writer's Challenge: Round X by Asfand.
175 points, ended October 19, 2007, 21 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest
PLEASE CONSTRUCTIVE CRITISICM IS THE BEST.
Comments
1 - 5 of 5
-
That was very interesting.
Score:
Theme: 8/10 > Very strong. I liked it. It definitely left me wanting more, but I felt like I'd been thrown into the the middle of something that wasn't completely explained.
Originality: 14/15 > I like this idea, and I've never read anything quite like it. It was interesting, but I've already said that.
Flow: 23/25 > There were a couple spots that I thought were a bit awkward, but other than that this flowed nicely. The movement was swift, and it transitioned from situation to situation very smoothly.
Feeling: 17/20 > I understand the feeling of the crowd, but I don't think I was far enough into Pete's head. I want to understand better why it is he's thinking and feeling what he's thinking and feeling.
Structure: 27/30 > Great structure. There were a couple paragraphs that I felt could've been split up for easier reading. All in all, it was good.
Total: 89/100
Great job, and good luck in the contest.
Sorry about that. Little mistake on my part. hehe. I read the numbers wrong. -
You got your opinions of the character, Pete, across very clearly and you wrote them beautifully. The way you showed the difference between his grip on the crowd and Jeanae's power of him was very well done. You should expand on this, because it'd be interesting to see this as a series or something. Good job
-
-
thank you! i might expand on it....
-
-
Original concept ~
There were certain things that I liked and certain things that I disliked ~
The concept is a very original one ~ I haven't heard something like this in months ~
Loved how you associated him with religion - it is a pop-star cultured world out there ~
However, there was no feeling put to the story ~
You explained a concept, but left out everything else ~ no detailed description, no plot, no future to the story ~
You could have a potentially publishable story here ~ do not limit yourself to words, expand on your writes ~
*Love for anything other is a fabrication of the others’ beliefs. It does not exist.*
What a heart-wrenching sentence ~ so wise ~
I understand your 'idea' it's as clear as day ~ but make it difficult for me ~ make me decipher it not know it ~
Over all, very impactful ending ~
The story is great ~
Theme ~ 9.6/10
Originality ~ 14/15
Flow ~ 22.4/25
Feeling ~ 17/20
Structure ~ 27/30
Total 90/100
Another ninety ~ well done ~
-
-
thanks, this was one of the best comments i've ever gotten!
-
Adding your comment:
1 - 5 of 5
