Because of You I Can Learn to Love Again (working title)

They are yelling at each other again. I pulled the pillow harder over my head to try and block out the screaming and swearing, then comes the crashing and the noises of skin smacking skin. I know it is my mom who is getting hit, she never really fights back. I creep out of my bed and poke my head around their bedroom doorway. That’s when I see it, Dad coming at my mom with the framed family picture. NO!
I gasp as I awake from the nightmare that has haunted me since my mother’s death. I look at the alarm clock, it reads 5 am. You’d think I would have stopped having this dream by now, my mother died when I was seven. At sixteen I still remember the day it happened. I got home from school and my mother was in her room swallowing pill after pill, tears streaming down her face. When she saw me in the doorway she slammed the door in my face. That was the last time I saw her.
I found out from my aunt later that my Dad had left for good earlier that day. I have never seen him again either. I live with my Aunt Nell now. I am grateful to her, if she hadn’t taken me in I would have been sent to a foster home, but she doesn’t know anything about raising a child, much less a teenager whose life has been pretty much crap since birth.
Knowing that I will never get back to sleep after the dream, I head downstairs to the kitchenette to make myself some coffee. As I take the first sip I close my eyes and try to forget my life for a moment. Then Nell comes into the room.

“You had the dream again didn’t you?”

“I’m fine“, I lie.

“I really think you should see a counselor.”

“No Nell, I don’t need a shrink”, I say as a walk out of the room.

I can hear her sigh as I enter my bedroom. After taking my time in the shower and putting on my make up, I grab my keys and get in my car to go to school. A few minutes later I am back in the apartment calling my boyfriend Gabe to ask him to come and pick me up again. I swear my car is possessed. It never starts when I need it to.
When Gabe pulls into the parking lot of the apartment building a few minutes later I yell goodbye to Nell and run done the stairs to meet him. He tries to kiss me for the millionth time and for the millionth time I pull away. I can sense his disappointment. After hugging him instead and apologizing about the car inconvenience I climb into the passenger’s seat.

“Are you okay?” asks Gabe after a few minutes of driving I silence, “You have that far away look in your eyes again”

“I’m fine, just tired I guess.”

“That’s what you always say, Chloe.”

“Well it’s the truth.” I want so much to let him in but I don’t know how.

“I used to believe you but now I’m not so sure. I love you Chloe but if you don’t trust me I don’t see how this can work. We have been going out for six months now and I know you have been through a lot but you can trust me with anything.”

“I love you too, Gabe“, I reply half-heartedly as we pull into the school parking lot.

“Then tell me what‘s going on”

“I just can’t.”

“Then maybe we should call it quits.” He says getting frustrated.

“Fine, then maybe we should!” I say, as we both get out of the car and slam our doors shut and I start to run away, tears beginning to form in my eyes.

“WAIT!” He yells.

“WHAT?!” I scream as he catches up with me.

Then he grabs my shoulders hard, too hard. Memories of my father hitting my mother and grabbing her the same way flash through my mind as he begins to say something that I don’t even hear. Terrified, I wrench myself from his grasp and run as fast as I can away from him.
Never stopping, I try to make it into the bathroom before losing it but I but fail miserably, sobbing uncontrollably before I even make it into the building. I try and ignore the stares as I rush to the privacy of the girls’ bathroom.
I don’t know how long I cried but I finally calm myself down enough to go to the nurse. After seeing my condition she says,

“I think you better go home honey. Do you need a ride?”

“No.” I lie, knowing that I won’t be going home.

“Okay, drive safely then hun”

I leave the school building a start the long run to the cemetery, the only place I can really be alone. After having to stop several times because my eyes were to full of tears for me to see anything, I finally make it to my mother’s grave. I fall to my knees in front of the tombstone that has my other’s name “Marissa Davis” written on it. I start talking to her, between sobs, even though I know she probably can’t hear me.

“I will not make the same mistakes that you did
I will not let myself
Cause my heart so much misery
I will not break the way you did,
You fell so hard
I've learned the hard way
To never let it get that far

Because of you
I never stray too far from the sidewalk
Because of you
I learned to play on the safe side so I don't get hurt
Because of you
I find it hard to trust not only me, but everyone around me
Because of you
I am afraid

I lose my way
And it's not too long before you point it out
I cannot cry
Because I know that's weakness in your eyes
I'm forced to fake
A smile, a laugh everyday of my life
My heart can't possibly break
When it wasn't even whole to start with

Because of you
I never stray too far from the sidewalk
Because of you
I learned to play on the safe side so I don't get hurt
Because of you
I find it hard to trust not only me, but everyone around me
Because of you
I am afraid

I watched you die
I heard you cry every night in your sleep
I was so young
You should have known better than to lean on me
You never thought of anyone else
You just saw your pain
And now I cry in the middle of the night
For the same damn thing

Because of you
I never stray too far from the sidewalk
Because of you
I learned to play on the safe side so I don't get hurt
Because of you
I try my hardest just to forget everything
Because of you
I don't know how to let anyone else in
Because of you
I'm ashamed of my life because it's empty
Because of you
I am afraid…….”


Then, I hear a voice whisper behind me, “Chloe…”

My head whips around and I am relived to see Gabe instead of some crazy stalker, but still a little scared after he grabbed me. One look into his eyes told me that he had followed me and heard the whole episode.

“I am so sorry; I never meant to hurt you.” He says, slowly walking toward me, as if he is afraid I will run away again.

“I know, I just-”

“Wait, I’m not finished." he said as he put his finger on my lips to shush me "I had no idea that you were still hurting so much………“

I didn’t even hear the rest of what he was saying because in that moment I realized that for the first time I didn’t need to hide. For the first time I could really trust someone. I didn’t even listen to the rest of what he said; I just rushed into his arms and began sobbing into his chest. He put his arms around me and just held me.

“Gabe....” I choked.


“What is it?” He said as he looked down at me.


“I love you.” And for the first time I truly meant it.