Temple of the Sphere: Chapter 1

A drum and rattling chains heard in the distance on the parched out trail. A group of travelers walked through the scorched meadow to the forest. The grasses cracked underneath their boots as the drummer boy kept beating on his drum. A tall man wore a red cloak and carried a smooth black rod. On the top of the rod was a large circle made out of tiny red diamonds. He led the group to the path. 
 1

Behind the leader were two priests who wore silver cloaks. Four young maidens with light green cloaks and another two priests with silver cloaks were behind them. Six huge guards were on each side of the group, bearing huge round shields on their left arms. A red and green leather belt carried a sword, which was on the right side of each of the guards. 2

Behind the group, was one lonely priest carried a rattling chain that echoed in his ears as he walked. The sweat dipped from a maiden’s brow as she tugged on the chain fastened to her wrists. He pulled on her restraint and a sharp pain raced up her arms. When he relaxed the chain would drop, her arms ached like she was carrying heavy rocks around her wrists. The chain dug into her skin. The cuts released tiny drops of blood and fell on the dirt. 3

The young priest kept yanking on his end of the chain to make her walk faster. Sonya pulled down the narrow path with the others by the priest and the trail overflowed with rocks. Sonya wanted to scream at the other girls. Smiles etched on their young peach faces. Their long red hair danced in the light as they skipped down the path holding hands. 4

Her stomach turned and turned as the acid started to climb to her mouth. A sharp pain entered her arms as the chain rattled. Her thick red curly hair began to tingle. Her capturer gave her a dirty look from his tan face. Sonya yanked her arms; the young priest flew backwards. He landed on the rough ground by her feet. A cloud of dirt arose in the air as Sonya kicked him in his knees. He jerked on the chain again. Sonya pulled up quickly and kicked him harder. Her wrists began to glow.5

 “Don’t!” Draco stood and held his black rod in front of her. He was dressed in his red cloak. His dark brown eyes pierced her soul and his massive frame blocked the sun. 6

She looked up. “I’d rather die than go to the Gated Circle.” 7

He moved his rod in front of her face. “Young maiden, you’ll get that wish, but not by me. The Masters will deal with you!” 8

Sonya stared at the other maidens. “We’re going to be slaves to the Masters and do their will. Can’t you see that? We must fight back!” 9

“Enough!” Draco snapped as he pounded the rod in the ground. 10

The other girls turned away from her. Sonya slowly sunk to the ground with tears running down her dirty peach cheeks, and it took the last of her will. The young priest stood up from the terrain. 11

“She’ll be no more trouble. I’ve seen their kind before. Once they realize their fate all their fight goes away like the west winds.” 12

The young priest snapped the chain and Sonya stood up with her head lowered. She entered through the deep forest; the sunlight faded away while the giant trees overtook the skyline. He kept tugging on the chain harder while Sonya’s feet knocked into the rocks on the path. The girls turned around while they laughed and pointed at her. 13

“You want to be free from your destiny,” the young priest said. 14

She raised her head and stared into his green eyes. 15

“We’re all slaves to something. Embrace it.” 16

Sonya stopped for a moment. “All humans should be free to choose their own path.” 17

“That is foolishness,” the priest replied. 18

Do you have a sister? You do. I can see it in your eyes. How would you like your sister being forced against her will?”
19

He walked back to her and grabbed her dress. “She knows it would be an honor to be chosen.” 20

She stared into his eyes as his hot breath touched her skin. “Are you sure?” He dropped her. 21

“Walk!” he yelled as he snapped the chain.
22

She tripped and slammed into the rocky terrain. He marched over to her and with one hand grabbed her red thick curly hair. He yanked up her head to look at her. 23

“My sister knows her place! The Masters will teach you.”
24

“The Masters are evil and only want our world for their needs and pleasure.” 25

“You know nothing!” He pushed her on the ground. 26

“Right now you have the power, but that will change. They'll turn on you. I have seen it. This is your chance to change your fate.” 27

He lifted her up to her feet by her hair. Rip. A bunch of her hair was in his hand. 28

“Tell me what you know.” He shook his fist at her.
29

“The Light from the sky came to me and opened my eyes. It showed me the truth about the Masters. The Masters feed off our darkness that’s what gives them their power.” 30

“You lie! They are the inner Light.” He pushed her again. 31

Sonya stumbled and caught her balance. “No! The Light only comes from the Sky. We must accept the Light.” 32

He wrapped the chain around his hand. He slapped her and then slapped the other side of her face. Sonya fell onto her knees. A warm liquid began to fill inside of her mouth as the blood ran out of it. 33

“You know it is true. You’ve seen what Draco has done.” 34

“You want me to let you go! I know this little game.” He pulled her up from her knees and glared into her eyes. 35

“Yes, I’ll be free one way or another.” She stared back at him. 36

“What does that mean?” 37

“We all have a destiny to fill. You can let me go.  Come with me and we can take back our home.” 38

“You’ve no idea how powerful the Masters are. You’re mad! I know my place.” 39

He threw her on the ground and bent down. He pressed his knees into her back. The priest wrapped the chain around her neck and slowly tightened it. Her hands clutched on the rocks as she tried to wiggle away from him. 40

“I could kill you right now. Maybe I should.” 41

“I can’t breathe! You’re hurting me.” She clutched the rock harder. 42

“Good. Your gifts are gone until we reach the Gated Circle.” 43

Sonya wanted to fight him and runaway from this place. 44

“Enough! Get up from her!” Draco yelled, as he grabbed the priest and threw him in the air. 45

“I was teaching her a lesson.” 46

“We don’t need her dead. The Masters will decide her fate and not us.” 47

The young priest took his right hand and made a fist to his chest with his palm open. Gently his fist went into his palm and did a slight bow. 48

Draco grabbed her hair and yanked her up to her feet. Sonya felt the rushing air around her as the chain rattled. He pushed her into a tree as she slammed into the trunk. The sweat ran down her back as she held her breath. 49

Draco marched over to her.
“If you delay us one more time, I will kill you myself. It will be a long painful death! Do you understand me?” 50

Sonya had never seen such anger before as she swallowed hard and shook her head yes. 51

“Good. Now let's go.” 52

The young priest pulled the chain to make her walk. His pace was faster as her legs grew weak. The narrow path had turned into a mountain and climbing was no easy task for Sonya struggled to keep walking. He tugged on the chain while drops of blood were dripping from her wrists. 53

Her knees folded and she fell on the cold rough ground. She put her hands up in the air at him. 54

“Water.” Her dry throat burned. 55

“No.” The young priest walked over to her. “Get up!” 56

“Water.” 57

“No. Get up.” He kicked her on her side. 58

Draco marched over to them.
“What is going on?” 59

“She fell and is asking for water.” 60

Draco raised his hand to summon the drummer boy. He shook in fear as he gave the pouch to Draco. 61

“You’re nothing but trouble,” Draco growled as he opened the pouch and poured water all over her face. She slowly opened her mouth to get the cold water. “Now my dear, time to keep my promise.” 62

He turned his head to each of the guards at the end of each line as he closed the pouch lid. “Guards, beat her up. Then you can have her for your pleasure but take her deep into the forests. I'll come and kill her later.”
63

The guards gave an evil grin as they walked over to her. They put their shields on their back and looked at their prey. 64

“No!” Sonya yelled. 65

Draco yanked her up and threw her towards the two guards. Sonya tried to gather up all her strength for her last fight. The guard caught the chain and slowly pulled her towards him. Then he stopped as the other guard walk behind her. He took his hands rubbed on the outside of her thighs. 66

Sonya wiggled and tried to pull away from them. Their hot breath touched her skin. She jerked away as the chain rattled while the guard pulled her back to them. Sonya bit her lip as she looked into the eyes of the guard. 67

“I said in the forests!” Draco yelled. 68

A distant rumble echoed through the forest. Draco gave the signal and the young girls put their hoods over their heads, and they huddled together. The rumbling strange noise came towards them. Some the branches of the trees and the bushes were moving. 69

A cloud of thick smoke fell from the sky and surrounding around Sonya and the guards. The rumble sound was right behind her. She tried to run as a hand grabbed her arm. She tried to struggle while her feet left the land. She let the hand pull her up onto the four-legged beast. 70

An arm went around her waist as the beast dashed away from her impending doom71

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Comments

1 - 20 of 20

  • August Lily
    August 8
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    Wow! This was a really amazing story! You caught my attention instantly, just from the title alone, and you didn't disappoint me as I read on. I was kind of irritated by the simple manner of telling the story here, I think that's due to the lack of descriptions but I guess it has its advantages cause each sentence just flowed to the next and kept me hooked. Oh who gives a monkey, I loved this story! Keep up the great work!

    ~*Princess*~

  • I loved it! When are you making the next chapter? I want to know who the person is at the end! Your detailing is very good and the imagery painted pictures in my head. As soon as I started reading it I couldn't stop.

  • Whoa. That's so incredible!! The detail is utterly amazing and powerful, I was trembling in my seat toward the end. I loved it! You write with such strong words and dialogue, I'm definitely off to read more!!


  • BloodRush
    April 23
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    Great!!!

    Awesome! ^^


  • Faker
    April 13
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    I won't bother telling you where your mistakes are since gerifitzs noticed all of what I was going to tell you. Good Luck in the contest, not usually what I would choose to read by the first few paragraphs but I would like to know who the person at the end was.

  • I think you have the beginning of a terrific fantasy,

    Have you changed the title or something? I definitely read this before; I’m surprised I didn’t comment on it.

    I think you have the beginning of a terrific fantasy, lots of brutal characters in the bodies of Draco and his priests and guards.

    A lovely heroine and apparently an unknown hero (unknown as yet ) who comes to rescue Sonya on the back of a flying beast.

    Of course it might be more Science Fiction, in that the Masters are obviously not humans—Sonya tells the young priest that.

    I hope you keep posting this I enjoyed the read. The plot flows well; the dialogue is good and mixes perfectly with the action. And your characters are colorful and interesting.

    You will need a bit of editing. I picked out a few changes I think might help; but you should also try not to be repetitive. Sonya’s wrist bleeding, someone pulling her hair happened a number of times.

    check out these:

    Behind the group, was one lonely priest carried (carrying) a rattling chain that echoed in his ears as he walked.

    “She’ll be no more trouble. I’ve seen their (her) kind before.

    He pushed her into (at)a tree as (and) she slammed into the trunk.. His pace was (became) faster as (and) her legs grew weak.

    “No. Get up.” He kicked her on her (in the) side. 58

    A cloud of thick smoke fell from the sky (remove and )surrounding (remove around) Sonya and the guards.

    The rumble (rumbled) sound was right behind her.

  • Max654sapien gold member
    April 7
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    Extremely good! You've got it down pat; but for a few miinor errors in syntax like - the sky surrounded around - you don't use those two words together - try the sky formed into a vortex that surrounded everything and reached down and gathered around h


  • CrystalKitsune357
    February 20
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    I love the creativity and the fantasy sense. It was very intersting.

  • coruscate
    February 20
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    brutal

    i like it, keep writing x


  • Akino Bear
    January 3

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    this is great i love it much feeling and the fantasy is soo good and i love the details in the story great job


  • eyeambaldman
    October 21, 2007

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    Hmmm...this took me a bit to get into. I love fantasy and sci-fi, but this took too long to get going. I'd almost wipe out the 1st three paragraphs and re-write them. I think you could make things more clear by starting with the action and letting us catch up.

    You also seem quite repetitive when describing things like the chain that binds the girl. It seems to "rattle" a lot.

    You use some strange adjectives to describe actions. For example, Sonya's feet "smacked" on the rocks...that's an odd use of the word. Perhaps re-write that sentence. Another: Their hot breath "touched" her skin. Again, using touched is kind of odd. Try something like "Their hot breath brushed her skin." Or something like that.

    The plot seems interesting enough, but this needs major revisions to tighten up a lot of the problems with the prose. It reads awkward in places, which detracts from the flow.

    I think you have good potential here, but I'd like to see it developed more. Tighten up your prose and you'll really have something!


  • Token Massacre silver member
    October 21, 2007

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    The first 2 sentences are a little confusing. You're mentioning rattling chains yet there's no questioning, no confusion, no reaction basically from any of the characters. You might want them at least looking confused or something since you mention it. That would be a good way to grab the reader.

    Your description and dialogue are extremely well done. I like the way they flow together, building not only interest but suspense in the situation. Very well done.

    “I was teaching her place.”
    this sounds a bit awkward though. I think you meant
    “I was teaching her "her" place.”


    I enjoyed the first chapter, but at the beginning I felt that I walked into the middle of something. It was a bit confusing without a little back story. It still flowed well. Good read, I'll continue with this story.


  • octoberdusk
    October 20, 2007
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    well done! nice beginning; you give enough details to make us interested in the next piece, and also to set the tone of the story nicely. I would only suggest that when describing imagery, show us, don't tell (e.g. two priests who wore silver cloaks <- this is telling us, rather than displaying it). It just makes us feel involved in the story rather than watching on through a window. The drama and suspense in this piece is very solid; looking forward to reading the rest!


  • artemis the hunter
    October 10, 2007

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    this is a promising piece of writing that leaves you wanting for more. Great descriptions! Good job!


  • Abstract Muse gold member
    October 4, 2007

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    Nice story.
    Good descriptions and the intensity keeps the reader's attention.

    Aside from Jazz's and silversword's comments I saw a couple of other things.

    'When he relaxed, the chains her arm would drop...', - 'When he relaxed the chains, her arms would drop...''

    'The huge round shields on with their left arms.' ...Confusing sentence. I don't know what that means.

    'Once they realize their fate. All their fight goes away..', - '..their fate, all their..'

    'The masters feed off their darkness that's what gives them...', - '..feed off their darkness. That's what gives them..'

    'I was teaching her place.', - '..was teaching her her place.'?

    This is a good storyline. I enjoyed reading it and look forward to seeing where it goes from here.
    Good job.
    Greg


  • silversword
    October 4, 2007

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    It was a very good beginning and an interesting setting that you have created.

    I liked the characters and you have moulded their emotions and personalities well.

    In some sentences, though, I feel you have had the same word too much, if you know what I mean ;D

    ( He lifted her up to her feet by her hair. Rip. A bunch of her hair was in his hand.)
    Hair is mentioned twice, a bit too close together.

    (The young priest took his right hand and made a fist to his chest with his palm open. Gently his fist went into his palm and did a slight bow.)
    It took me a few reads to understand this sentence. Maybe reword it, but maybe its just me

    Overall you have kept the feeling throughout the story and I enjoyed it very much. I will be looking out for the next bit ;D


  • Lostskins
    October 4, 2007
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    Great storys leave you wanting more, i wanted more!


  • Playjazz66 silver member
    September 28, 2007

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    The first paragraph caught my attention and it was held from that point. Fast and hard or good description will get attention and you managed to get both in there at one time.

    One thing did bother me from the beginning, and continued throughout the story; short, almost choppy sentences. I'd suggest using a comma plus a conjuction (and/yet/or, etc) giving a pause instead of a full stop.

    When you write, "Don't!", who is speaking? This is followed by, "She looked up---" but that would be another paragraph unless you had, "Don't!" she said, as she looked up ---head."

    "Young maiden---" again does not indicate who is speaking. Draco, the priest?

    "He threw her--- down. He pressed" Suggest replacing the second "He." Maybe "bent down and pressed his ---."

    Nothing much to say when I love Star Wars and Tolken. What more can be asked than a last minute save by a mysterious person on a beast?

    The storyline is really terrific, leaving me here wanting to know what is going to happen next.

    Jim


  • sarahhitch
    September 27, 2007

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    Loved this story, no nits to be found, really look forward to reading more, this flowed well and a pleasure to read Lynn.

    Sarah.

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