They say that it's hard...to put so much meaning, so much emotion, into such few words. I disagree. With three words, you lifted me. "I love you." With those three words, I found peace, solace, love, and happiness. In those three words I discovered life and reason, a meaning to exist. In those three simple words, I found a place to belong.
And then you did it again. Uttered a few short, beautiful words, that brought a new warmth into my heart. "Will you marry me?"
Four words. Four words that encompassed everything I felt. In their utterance I heard love, I heard commitment, I heard tenderness. In those words I saw visions of our future. Together forever, til death do us part. In sickness and in health. I'll stay by your bedside forever. I will love you always, forever.
You brought me such words of joy. It only makes sense that someone else should bring me words of pain.
"Final stages of cancer."
"Terminal illness."
"Nothing we can do."
Nothing we can do? No. Never! There's ALWAYS something. Nothing? How can that be? How...is that even possible?
"He has about a month left."
No no no no no...this can't be....you'll get better!
"He's fighting bravely but-" The doctor shook his head.
You can't die...let me die, I don't want to live without you. Why can't I die instead?
And then, holding your hand, I watched. Watched as your eyes closed, your beautiful brown eyes, that looked at me for one last time, with love and tears in them, before closing to the world forever. I watched your eyes close, your breathing slow, and the slow rise and fall of your now emaciated chest stop. All the wires and tubes strung through you useless now. I heard, deafening, the sound of your heart stop beating. Beep. Beep. Beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeepppppppp. And then the machine was unplugged, and I knew you were gone.
Here I am now, on the rooftop of the tallest building in the city. You remember this spot, don't you? It's where we had our first date. It was our favorite view of the city. It's where you first told me you loved me, when I had thought I'd hear those words a million times more. Before I knew we'd never get the chance. This is where you proposed, and I said yes, believing that word would keep us together forever. And this is where we talked about names for our children, never to be. I come here now for a reason, to find my way back to you. I came here to say my last words.
And as she jumped, the words "I love you" were caught, and torn away by the wind.
Author notes
I decided to enter this story into the contest "1 vs. 100" because emotions are what I like to think of as my specialty, and this is perhaps either the most, or one of the most emotional pieces I've ever written. I don't know how it might stand up to other writings on this site, it's not very creative or anything, but it has a lot of feeling and that's why I think it might have a chance.
A contest entry
- The Goods by Maui Jane.
225 points, ended September 23, 2007, 20 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - Love Is In the Air! by lexiconsthedevil.
125 points, ended October 3, 2007, 23 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - Quicky heaven by plurangel.
600 points, ended October 23, 2007, 17 entries
Honorable mention
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - My First Contest by Natalie-.
540 points, ended October 27, 2007, 16 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - : Make me cry. by Taylor Renee.
375 points, ended November 20, 2007, 31 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - 1 Vs 100 by asthray.heart.
3135 points, ended November 27, 2007, 71 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - Send Me Your Short Shorts! by whichcraft.
145 points, ended December 3, 2007, 32 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - First Lines by werner1221.
145 points, ended December 24, 2007, 24 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - Flash Fiction Festival by SignifyingNothing.
170 points, ended April 23, 2008, 15 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - Make me sad by Reaver.
170 points, ended May 28, 2008, 7 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 19 of 19
-
Well Done!
This was very well articulated, but didn't really make me sad. Thought the premise of cancer and dying certainly pulls at the heart, i sort of felt like i had read this before. Not to critisize the work, just my own taste. Very well done with structure and grammar. Wonderful flow as well. Well done! Durian. -
Definitely a lot of feeling here, and well expressed. Very tragic ending.
I am not sure how to react to the last line. It seems a bit jarring, as the whole piece was in the woman's voice and then suddenly its third person. Maybe a break (like a line) to indicate that shift would benefit it? Just a suggestion, I'm not really sure. I'll have to read it again.
Thanks for entering the contest. I enjoyed reading your work, and best of luck. -
So much emotion...
in such a small package, often a very difficult thing to achieve and do so well but you did, in superb fashion.
Ignore the critical commentary, you did what you set out to do and it worked, very well indeed.
As with another story of yours with a tragic ending,you deal with the extremes of human emotions, the deep and serious ones, that, I think, frighten most who read as most lives are lived in quiet desperation and without the passion to do more the be spectators in life.
I probably should not say such things in public without my usual leash or restrait....grins...
Well done!
Amicus...
-
1st 3 lines.
aw. a sweet start. could basically go anywhere from here. nicely done. -
This story has a lot of emotion but unfortunately, you chose to tell the reader everything your character was feeling instead of letting them feel it themselves. It seems off the surface and I couldn't get absorbed in the pain your character was obviously experiencing. It makes the reader care little for her situation. Your story does spark an experience that the reader may have gone through but not from the character itself.
-
I read this, and then I read why you entered this in your story, and I wonder. Like I do with alot of the entries I hav gotten to in this contest; why the writer has so little faith in themselves.
This peice has emotion, pain and an insight that hurts the reader to know a person could go through this.
I enjoyed this peice alot, had good stuff to it. But your reasonings put me off, makes me think you dont have the faith in your writing that you should.
Tnks for entering and goodluck.
~Lady Madeline.
-
PAIN
What a painful piece.
I might only add, as a bit of constructive criticism, that technically the only thing somewhat out of place is your last line at the end of the piece. It is another POV...and, even as a "semi" short story...the point of view should be one...certainly should not change at mid stream or at the tale's end. You COULD fix this...narrator could tell all...or soften the abrupt change somehow.
Heartfelt.
Rough!
GA -
This was really sad. Terribly sad. I think you did a great job with it. The wording was beautiful from the beginnning, and the plot was awesome, and something we could all relate to.
Awesome.
I really love this piece.
Thank you so much for entering, and good luck!!!
xoxo
tay
-
AW!
Dude i love this. This is so truly amazin. Man it almost brought me to tears. you rock... this rocks... Dude you should have won the contest with this one. Beautiful and inspiring.
-
Yes, I read this briefly before, very much a tear-jerker. Thanks for entering my contest.
-
awwww!!! OMG your making me tear up with this! you had me hooked right from the start. It sounds like a fairy tale gone wrong. but wow!! The ending was marvelous! I loved the ending. the guys Death scene - out of 10 stars i'd give it like 13 stars. The second to last paragraph - GENIUS!!! oh wow! I'm so glad you entered this. goodluck in my contest.
-
Three words ...
I loved it!
Though, at the end, I had a small hope she might decide to live on, to preserve his memory.
The emotions were sweeping in this piece. The only change I would make would be to remove the beeping of the machine and perhaps replace it, like this:
[I heard, deafening, the sound of your heart stop beating. Beep. Beep. Beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeepppppppp. And then the machine was unplugged, and I knew you were gone.] --> I heard, deafening, the sound of your heart stop beating. I held my ears for the final tone, as it threatened to drive me to madness. And then the machine was unplugged, and I knew you were gone.
Other than that, extemely well done!
beginning: 4, language: 5, plot: 3, ending: 4, dialog: 5, characters: 5.
-
this was tragic but beautifull and it captured my attention and reeled me in
the last lines were the most powerfull i think
luv blair
-
It started off so happy, then got so sad. I was utterly impressed. I can feel tears coming on. Awesome!
-
This is definitely a multi-hanky piece. The love story is established in very few well chosen words, I really felt a connection to this piece. Very well done!
A couple grammar things stood out for me, when the verbs changed tenses, and the last sentence being in third person when the rest is in first person, but may be just an artistic choice (I make lots of those kind of choices).
Beautiful!
-
What can I say to this beautifully written story. It was so sad, yet really enjoyable,a tear jerker.
I'm so glad I stopped by and read this, thanks for sharing.
Sarah.
beginning: 3, language: 3, plot: 3, ending: 3, dialog: 3, characters: 3.
-
This was very sad and sweet. I really wanted to cry while reading this. I probably would have if I haven't had other distractions while reading this. Work on grammar, thats all I can say that'd be helpful because its awesome to me. Great job.
-
I know you prefer content comments so the only structural one I'll tell you is that "and" or "but" shouldn't start sentences unless they're in dialogue.
Otherwise I like the emotion felt through this. Thank you so much for sharing it. it's something many people can identify with. -
Wow, this is a very touching write. You brought so much emotion into it just by your descriptions of feelings.
Love and loss always go hand in hand.
Great job and good luck
Adding your comment:
1 - 19 of 19
