Gone.
Alone.
Never to return again.
Never again to hold on to.
Never again to say “I love you.”
Where all the word that came into her mind. Her tears came down her pale face, up to her chin as they hit the dark oak floor. With each drop, her heart broke. With each broken heart, came her pain. Pain of losing some one so dearly, made her lose all feeling in her legs.
Mary stared at the uniformed men in front of her. They soon became blurry figures, with all the tears she was shedding. And she would not stop, not until she could feel his arms around her.
Ruby, Mary’s next door neighbor, was holding her, as she almost fell. The news these men gave them was too shocking. Rick, Mary’s husband, was killed in Iraq by a car bomb. What made it worse was that Mary would not be able to give her husband a proper funeral.
The two officers looked down as the now widow cried her heart out. There was nothing they could do. Their orders were to tell Captain Meadow’s wife, that he was killed. This was something very difficult to do. To the person who breaks the heart of another. What could be worse?
“Come on, honey. Let’s go sit you down.” Ruby guided Mary to the couch, and went to show the officers out. Before they stepped out, one said, “I’m sorry, miss. I’m truly sorry.”
With a nod, they left, leaving a beaten, heart-broken woman. Ruby went to her side, saying anything she could as she tried to comfort the young women. This was too much for Mary.
And the baby.
Mary didn’t tell Rick. She found a couple of days after he was deported to Iraq. She was going to tell him. That would have been today. She got all dressed and ready for him. She wore a beautiful red and black knee length dress. Rick always said that she looked absolutely radiant when she wore it. She was going to tell him that day. She was imagining the look on his face.
They always wanted children. They got married about two years ago, August 19, the best day of her life. He was a captain in the Marines when they met. He said that he always wanted to join the military, even as a child. She didn’t want him to continue knowing that he might be deported to Iraq, but she supported him.
And look were it has brought her. If only she had said something. Then maybe this would not have happened.
Mary cried in Ruby’s arms, hoping that it was a mistake. That Rick was going to show up at the door any minute. But it he never came. Only darkness.
‘If only I had one more 'I love you'. One more kiss. One more hug. One more moment with you, Rick.’
Drip. Drip.
Water.
Water dripping.
Mary awoke to the sound of water dripping….into a river? When she opened her eyes, she was in a river bank. Tall tress surrounded her, birds singing, and it looked like it just rained. She stood up, looking around. Where was she? How did she get here? She heard the grass move, some one was coming. When she turned around, her hands came up to her mouth as the tears came down. Stand in front of her was…
“Rick.”
Rick stood in front of her. Smiling, in his uniform looking as proud as ever. She ran to his arms, crying. Telling him how she missed him, and never wanted for him to leave her again. Rick smiled wider, and put his arms around her.
“Mary.” He said calm and gentle, “Mary, please understand that I won’t be able to come back to you.”
“NO!” Her arms tighten around him. “I don’t want you to go, Rick. Please don’t leave me.”
“Mary, you have to be strong. You have to be strong for our baby.”
Her hand went automatically to her stomach. The baby, how could she forget that she was carrying Rick’s baby within her?
“You knew.”
“Yes, Mary. I do. I want you to know that I’ll be watching over the both of you. Ok Mary?”
“You keep saying my name.” Shaking, her tear stain face looked up at him.
“I want to say it as many times as I can, Mary.”
Mary smiled and hugged him once more and enjoyed the feel of him in her arms. It was the last time she would ever hug him. His hold tighten and he started to release her. Mary noticed this, and started to panic. Why was he pulling away?
“Mary, its time for me to go.” He said as her tears came down even faster. Mary lowered her head. She knew this would happen, but didn’t want to admit it. But she would have to some day.
“Before you go, please let me have one more “I love you” from you, Rick.” He smiled and lowered his head to give her one last kiss. When he moved away, he started to walk away slowly.
“I love you Mary. Make sure to tell her that I love her too. With all my heart.”
“I love you Rick. I always will.”
Mary awoke in her bedroom. She got up, her brown hair in knots. She noticed the way the pillows where wet with her tears. She saw him. She held him. She kissed him. She told him that she loved him, for the last time. And she smiled.
“Mommy!”
Mary turned to see her six year old daughter come running towards her. She was the spitting image of her father. Black straight hair, with green eyes. She was beautiful.
“Mommy, are you ok?”
“Yes, Daisy. I’m fine.” She picked Daisy and put her into her lap. “Did you see daddy?”
Mary looked confused at her daughter, wondering how she knew the dream she had. “Yes, but how do you know.”
“He told me.” Daisy smiled, holding a teddy bear with a yellow ribbon.
“Who told you? And where did you get that bear?”
“Daddy did.”
“What?”
“Daddy came to my room. He told me that he loved me very much. Gave me this bear while we where having a tea party. He also told me that you named me Daisy cuz, it was his favorite flower since it reminds him of you.”
Mary stared in shock at her daughter. Rick went to pay their daughter a visit? “Mommy, don’t look sad. He left you a present too. He told me to come and get you and tell you. Come on, it’s in my room.”
Daisy got off her mother’s lap and took her hand. Guiding her through the hall, they entered Daisy’s room. On the small table, in the middle of the room, were two tea cups and next to one was a letter. And a daisy.
‘ Innocence was the first thing that came to mind when I first laid eyes on you.
Loyal, you have always been.
Love, is that you have given me through out the years.
I'll Never Tell you how much you mean to me, the first time I led eyes on you.
Author notes
(This is for a contest. My favorite band and song Linkin Park - Given Up)
I thought of this story when I heard Avril Lavigne’s song “When You’re Gone”. This is the first thing that came to mind. I hope you like it.
Innocence,Loyal, Love,I'll Never Tell is what Daisy (flower)means.
Just to let you all know that this story is NOT based on a true story. But I do have family in the Marines, God bless her, and my mother's friend's son, was killed in Iraq from a car bomb. May God rest his soul.
"Life is only happy when you wish for a falling star."
God bless our troops.
A contest entry
- Short and Sweet by abba12.
175 points, ended October 2, 2007, 38 entries
Honorable mention
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - What's In Your Head? by Miss Hanako Cullen.
245 points, ended September 23, 2007, 19 entries
Honorable mention
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - The Writer's Challenge: Round X by Asfand.
175 points, ended October 19, 2007, 21 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - The Goods by Maui Jane.
225 points, ended September 23, 2007, 20 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - Hibitijibbitis......... by angel.of.mine.
420 points, ended October 15, 2007, 17 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - So You Think You Can Write? by EtherealButterfly.
1225 points, ended October 5, 2007, 39 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - Love Is In the Air! by lexiconsthedevil.
125 points, ended October 3, 2007, 23 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - Scare Me, Woo Me by hey incendiary.
1225 points, ended October 3, 2007, 18 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - ANYTHING AT ALL, LOSERS! by Springs.
360 points, ended October 17, 2007, 45 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - Shed My Tears by Kagamine Rin.
350 points, ended August 23, 2008, 10 entries
Honorable mention
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - Fall In Soldier by WritersEffigy.
450 points, ended August 23, 2008, 12 entries
Honorable mention
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - Such a Tragedy... by Shinami Tsuyoki.
825 points, ended September 13, 2008, 30 entries
Honorable mention
• next story in this contest, remove from contest
Comments
1 - 21 of 21
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*nods*
I can't believe someone wrote something like this! I enjoyed reading it and it was really good!
So much emotion was in the story. The first sentence, "Gone.". That tehre made me feel so sad, because, obviously, something was taken away and to never return. Sob sob! But as I read forward, I became a bit happier. I almost cried listening to this!
Good luck! -
Nice!
I didn't expect to find a sad story and I wanted to stop reading it but I found that I couldn't. I espceially liked how you transitioned through the years, as if they were only hours, bringing Daisy into the story, who was able to meet her father.
I really liked this story even though it left me feeling sad.
Now please excuse me while I go get a tissue, sniff, sniff! -
This was a really emotional story, and I really liiked-keep up the good work!
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Touching
It started out slow. I wouldn't know how to fix that. Maybe don't. I was very touched at the end. It brought a lump to my throat. You should be proud.
Now. Here's the errors I found:
She found a couple of days after he was deported to Iraq.
She found out She didn’t find out until . . .
Tall tress surrounded her( is this grass?)
Stand in front of her was… (standing)
wanted for him to leave her again.( I don’t think you meant to add the ‘for’
Shaking, her tear stain face looked up at him. (Here you have an omission, I think)
towards her (don’t need the ‘s’ in toward)
I'll Never Tell you how much you mean to me, the first time I led eyes on you.
(Maybe “I’ll never be able) and (laid, not led)
Lizzy
beginning: 4, language: 3, plot: 1, ending: 1, dialog: 3, characters: 3.
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Okay, apparently I forgot to comment on this one when I read it. My appologies.
Score:
Theme- 8/10 > This was good, but I felt it could've been stronger. It didn't jump out and grab me right away. It wasn't until I read further that it pulled me in.
Originality- 10/15 > Honestly, the whole "being visited by a deceased loved one" is getting to be a little over done. This doesn't take away from the impact of this piece, but it isn't the most original.
Flow - 23/25 > There were a couple places where the phrasing became awkward. In some spots it seemed rushed, as though you were tired of writing that part and just wanted to get on with it.
Feeling - 18/20 > It was tragic, yes. However, there were places that I wanted to feel her heart actually, literally, breaking. You did a good job of telling me that it did, but I wasn't pulled in to the point where I felt it was my heart breaking instead of hers.
Structure - 20/30 > This is the one that is "you're almost there, just not quite". It's like this for most authors, mostly because if there's anything out of place, even if it is just slightly, not only is that part of the story affected, but the structure it, over all, is.
Total - 79/100
Good job, and good luck in the contest. -
very well done, it made me cry heh. my mum and dad were in the army before they had children. its such a sweet story. my only suggestion would be something, even a ~*~, just to seperate the scenes, because the lines are a little hard to notice. good work..
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Wow, you've entered the story in all of those contests? Hope you win!
I found the story so sad and the awful part is that the troops are still in iraq. It's crazy to think that in this day and age, we're at war and this story brings all of that to the foreground.
It's a great story of deep love - a love that transends time. -
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Yea...I ferget that I entered the story in other contest, and having entering it too much. Thx for the comment.
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aww how sad but happy
this was a great short story and very interesing. thanks so much for enetering i loved reading this xox
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Thx.
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A very interesting story. I wasn't quite sure where you were going but I love how you continued on and brought in sort of a paranormal/faith aspect. The emotions are very relatable
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Thank you
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Sweet ~
A very sweet and touching story ~
It was rather cliche at the very beginning, because there are lots of other stories with the same thing, but the middle and end really were - original - especially the daughter being visited by her father ... very beautiful ~
There were LOTS of grammatical errors, so you lose points for that a little, but the story is sweet ~
At present, I do not have time to point all the mistakes out sorry, but I must say ~
Do be careful of the tense, you kept switching from one tense to the other which really took away from the story ~
Somewhere it was past, then suddenly the present, then again the past ~
A reread will help ~
Good luck and thanks for entering ~
Theme ~ 7.5/10
Originality ~ 11.8/15
Flow ~ 17.2/25
Feeling ~ 23.7/20
Structure ~ 23.3/30
Total 83.5/100
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Thank you for the help. I see if I can fix some of mistakes.
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..."made her loose all feeling in her legs." I think you meant to say "lose".
"Ruby, Mary’s next neighbor.." What do you mean here? Is it her "next door" neighbor?
..."was killed in the Iraq by a car bomb..." -No "the" before Iraq.
"There was nothing they can do." -Since you are writing in past tense, you should say "could do" instead of "can do".
“Come on, hunny. Let’s go sit you down.” -Spelling error on "hunny".
"With a nod, the left, leaving" - A mistake I make a lot. You left out a letter..."they". Also, "heart-broken women" should be "woman" It could be "women" since there are two of them, but you write in the singular.
"He said that he always want to join" -the past tense in this sentence would be "wanted".
"Then maybe this would not have happen." -Past tense would be "happened".
‘If only I had one more “I love you”. One more kiss. One more hug. One more moment with you, Rick.’
-You have got this backwards with the " and the '.
.."she was caring Rick’s baby within her?" -"Carrying"
“You keep saying my name.” Shaking, her tear stained face looked up at him. “I want to say it as many times as I can, Mary.” -There should be a paragraph break after Mary looked up at him.
"Hugging him once more, enjoying the feel of him in her arms." -You went back to present tense in this sentence. Should read "Mary smiled and hugged him once more and enjoyed the feel of him in her arms."
Also, later on in that sentence, "It was the last time she’ll ever hug him." -You skip back to present tense. Should be "she would".
"wet with her teas" -Tears?
“He told me.” Daisy smiled, holding a teddy bear with a yellow ribbon. “Who told you? And where did you get that bear?” -There should be a paragraph break when Mary speaks to Daisy.
The note he leaves Mary has a spelling error in it. You write "led" but I think you meant to say "laid".
-Very touching story. I think you captured the emotions that went along with it. Very good write, I commend you on the imaginitave twists that you put into it. The only thing I saw was that you started the story in the past tense and kept reverting to the present tense throughout the story. Have you considered writing a story in present tense? You seem to be very good at it.
All in all I give this a 7 out of 10. Great write!
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Thank you for the comment. I'll fix the story with your help.
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OH....
This made me cry!!!! : (
This story was very good, I loved the sweetness and the thought of her husband coming back to tell her he loved her. I think we all wish our loved ones could come back and say they love us, that we too could say we love them.
Awesome job with this story! I loved the "God Bless Our Troops" thing at the end. God Bless 'Em is right!
Bravo!
beginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 5.
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Thank you.
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Oh Crud, it said it didn't load so now you have two from me
>.<
Sorry!
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Lol it's ok
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This is adorable.
It's horribly sad, because the situation in Iraq is horribly unfortunate to all those who have a loved one in the war.
It's a great bit of writting, the emotions are very clear.
I like how there is use of flowers to symbolze their love, it was a great touch.
<3
[Keara]
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