Untitled (Havent got a Title yet)

You know that time before you’re awake, but after you’re asleep, when you know what day it is, and where you are, but your eyes haven’t opened, and just won’t open? Maybe it’s the fact I didn’t want to get up…Or maybe it just happens to everyone. I dreaded the moment when I opened my eyes, coz I knew if I did, I would have to get up and go to school. Otherwise known as “Hell”. I rolled over and went back to sleep. 1

“Alex?” I heard. “Wake up! You’re late!” I groaned and turned over. 2

“I don’t feel well mum. I’m not going.” I heard her laugh.3

“Yes you are. Now up! Up!” She said back, grabbing my arm and pulling me out of my warm bed, practically pulling my arm out of its socket.4

“Fine, I’m up.” I said, flopping down on the floor, amongst the clothes and crap on my floor. After my mum left, I slowly got ready…very slowly. I figured the more time I take to get ready, the more time I have before I have to go to school.5

I’m at the bus stop now. Sitting with Darla. Darla is really pretty, really nice, really smart…you know those ‘perfect people’. The ones that I seem to have had for best friends for the whole of my life, which makes me, look pretty pathetic next to them. But by now (Grade 8) I’m used to being the shadow, the not so perfect shadow of something with no faults. The bus arrives and we hop on, me taking the usual window seat which totally disconnects me from everyone else on the bus, but that’s how I like to spend my mornings. Separation to some people means being alone, but to me, sometimes it means freedom. I mean it probably seems stupid that I am talking about this about sitting on the window seat on the bus, but if I don’t, I end up getting completely caught up in some stupid debate over who’s guitar is better or if size really matters. I mean who needs that crap to belong? I can sit here, think about whatever I need to think about, and not get caught up in people trying control my mind. And this morning my thoughts are caught up in Friday night. 6

I went for a late night walk, along the beach near my house. I was just walking along totally caught up in my discman, where my hardcore rock music was blaring, when I felt a hand on my shoulder. I actually remember exactly how I felt that moment. First I felt scared (instinct) that it was some rapist or murderer, but then I felt comforted, because I was so cold walking along the empty beach, and I have to admit I felt alone, more than free, until suddenly someone else was sharing the beach with me. I turned slowly and saw Derek. Derek is a guy at school, I used to like him last year in grade seven, but he’s kinda not really the sort of guy that would go out with me. He’s one of those popular, sporty, funny guys, whose friends with everyone? You know what I mean? Anyway getting off track. I turned off my discman, and we kinda walked slowly along the beach, in the dark, barely talking. Our silences were long and drawn out, but comfortable. They weren’t the type where both people are frantically trying to think of something to say, but nothing comes. They were comfortable and nice. Sort of silences where I swear we could read each others minds. It was like we had a connection. We walked for about an hour, and when I turned to leave, he grabbed my shoulder in the same way he did before and whispered “Thanks for talking.” As if we had been talking the whole time. I remember smiling to myself, and walking off, but not before whispering back “Anytime”. 7

The bus pulled into school and I got woken from my memory. I still can’t remember if it really happened…well I know it did, but it’s the sort of thing I’d be more likely to dream about then to actually happen. Walking along, having a connection with a majorly cute and sweet guy that all the girls want, and it not getting awkward. It was a miracle for it to happen to me, Alexandra Bree Miller. But hey, I’m always open to miracles.8

The day went quickly, which is surprising. It wasn’t actually that bad, except the fact that I didn’t even get a glimpse of Derek all day. I wanted to run up and talk to him, or walk with him in silence. I wonder if it would still be the same, or if now things would be uncomfortable and awkward. I hope I haven’t lost my miracle yet. Anyway now I’m standing around after school, with Hilary and Chris. Hilary is my supposive best friend, but who has been caught bagging me behind my back a number of times. Chris is her boyfriend. He is alright looking I guess, very immature but funny sometimes. But his best friend Pete is the real funny one. Sometimes I feel sorry for Chris, guessing he must get the not-as-perfect shadow feeling too, but then he farts with his armpits or runs around pretending to be a turkey and I think maybe he doesn’t. Although sometimes I think that Chris goes a little overboard with the immaturity, Hilary thinks it’s cute and he’s the best thing since sliced bread. She literally doesn’t shut up about him; every topic will bring the conversation back to him, probably because he impersonates every topic or thing on earth. Or tries to at least. But sure it’s cute, if you like guys with deep voices and three day growth acting like cartoon characters permanently.  9

“H-h-hello A-a-Alex.” He stutters in a porky pig voice. I smile at the pathetic impression and fake a laugh. Hilary can tell I’m faking and gives me a look, grabs Chris’ arm and hugs him, whispering to him. Probably telling him how amazing he is. I slowly back away and find myself backing into Kurt. 10

“Yo Alex.” Kurt says, giving me some sign with his hands. I pretend I know what it means and do it back.11

“Yo.” I answer. He smiles, until his girlfriend Felicity comes up behind him, wrapping her arms around him. Another couple. I look around trying to find another singleton to talk too, but find none. I must be in couple central. I swear I’m surrounded by about five couples. I can’t even find Laura, who is my best single friend. It sounds stupid having a best single friend and a best not single friend, but sometimes being around Hilary and Chris can really get to me, being pretty alone myself. Yeah I know it’s by my own choice, but that doesn’t make it any easier. Me and my never-ending screwed up relationships and crushes. Oh well, the bus is here anyway.12

I’m sitting with Darla, Kristina and Josh on the bus. And no, Kristina and Josh are not a couple. So I’m sitting here, feeling like I belong, because for once I’m not the only person with a screwed love life. Josh was going out with this girl named Meg for awhile, but she tried to sleep with him, so he dumped her. I know that coz she went around showing off to everyone how frigid he was…although I can only think of a couple of guys who would actually go through with sleeping with her. Oh well if it makes her feel better about being dumped. 13

“Oh my god, what the hell is that?” Josh yelled at Kristina, who was eating something that looked exactly like horse shit.  Darla went into hysterics. I have to admit I laughed a bit myself.14

“It’s a double chocolate chip cookie that my mum made.” Kristina answered, spraying us all with crumbs of her horse shit. This made Josh start laughing his crazy laugh. 15

“It-It looks like…” He started between laughing. “A big fat chunk…of SHIT!” Kristina looked at what she was eating, looked hurt, but then she started pissing herself laughing more than anyone else. This is an average bus trip for us. We will piss ourself laughing at anything and everything. Josh is so frickin funny, just his facial expressions and the way he says stuff. We are at my bus stop. I leave just as everyone is laughing about Josh’s hair. No-one wastes their energy to say goodbye to me, I usually don’t bother to say bye back. I’m kinda anti-social. Well that’s what people say, but I say I’m a listener rather than a talker. Just coz I would rather listen to other peoples problems than spill my guts about mine, doesn’t make me anti-social. I think it makes me more social than people who are so wrapped up in their own problems and the sound of their own voice that they can’t see past themselves. Those people are anti-social.16

I check my phone on the long walk home. Three new messages since after school. Hmmm…First one from Mum. ‘Not at home. C u at 6.’ Thanks for being informative mum. Doesn’t even bother to tell me where she is. And using god damn ‘sms talk’. I hate that shit. It’s just for lazy people. Okay deleting that one mum…next time just don’t bother. You probably count it as a waste of your time anyway, along with talking to your children. Next one from…Hilary: ‘Hi. I thought I would msg u and tell u that I can’t come 2night 2 tha show thing, im meant to ring Chris. Trust me once u get a boyf u will understand how u wanna spend every sec wid them coz ur love for them iz so strong, anyway cya tomoz.’ Another victim of ‘sms talk’. Hmm another show I will be dancing alone. Last time she called it off coz Chris got the chicken pocks and she wanted to make him a get well card. I mean seriously. And all that shit about once I get a boyfriend. What if I don’t want one Hilary? What if I want my life to make sense? What if I don’t need one to make living worthwhile? Oh well, I will go along and probably make up another wild story about making new friends which is supposed to make Hilary jealous and wanna be my best friend again, but she will shrug and run to Chris. Again. Anyway one more message. It’s from…Jeremy. My little brother. He is in grade six. My mum is so wrapped up in her dates with guys and her desk job that she gets us phones in like grade four, because she’s never around when we need her. It says ‘Hi Allie. Me and Benny are going to walk home, so I won’t be home until five okay? Cya then. Love ya. Jerm.’ I have to say, although I don’t have much in my life to be proud of, Im really proud of my relationship with my brother. We are so close, I tell him everything and he tells me the same. My mum doesn’t know he walks home, not that she would have the time to care anyway. 17

I am sitting on the couch with a block of chocolate and a tall glass of icy water. The little dancing bears on the TV are only the background. My eyes are really focused just above them, on a silver framed picture. It shows four figures. Two towering over the others, arms around each other and the little figures beside them. Four figures I don’t know anymore. My brother is the first there. He was so innocent then, I remember he came crying to me one night because the lightening was scaring him. He is so much tougher now. He is still only little though, grade six but has to be so adult. I hate mum for doing that to him. Stealing his innocence and replacing it with responsibility. Next is my Mum, She used to be so wrapped up in her family, that nothing else mattered. I remember she quit her job once because they wouldn’t give her time off to go to my primary school play. Now that’s all gone. She is so caught up in her job and endless boyfriends to even notice whether me and my brother are alive or not. She is barely ever home and when she is we don’t even know she’s there, she’s either locked her and her boyfriend away in her room doing god knows what, or doing her work on her laptop. She doesn’t even count as a mother. Next is dad. I love dad. He died when I was in grade five. I still remember that day, I came home from school, and my mum was curled up crying on her bed, she grabbed me and held me until she settled enough to explain to me. She said she got home at midday, and heard my dad, she ran into the bedroom and my dad was lying there, reaching up for her. She said she ran to him and asked what was wrong. She said he had had a heart attack. She said it was out of nowhere. She said she was with him when he died. She also said that she would never leave us like he did. What she said were all lies. I heard her and the police; he had slit his wrists in the bathroom. My mum had taken one look and ran and called an ambulance. She had been lying on the bed while he screamed her name, trying to talk to her. By the time the ambulance got here, he was dead. I still don’t know why he did it. He had such a passion for his family and for life. I guess the people that look happy can sometimes be the saddest of them all.  The next person in the photo is the most changed of them all. My mum tells me it’s me. But I can’t believe it. ‘I’m’ standing next to my father, smiling, holding his hand. ‘I’ am wearing a ridiculous pink beach hat. I don’t know that me anymore. I don’t know the me that was always happy and laughing. I don’t know the me that couldn’t get brought down by anyone.  That me might have existed once but she is dead now. She died along with my father. She was in that bathroom, she bled with him, she suffered with him and now she’s watching the new me, trying to live life where she left it, but struggling under the weight of it. It’s too much for the new me’s shoulders. 18

She’s going under too.19

There’s a new girl at school today. And a new guy. Hazel and Jake. Jake became an outcast as soon as he stepped foot into the school. He walked in, his trousers a little too baggy, his hair a little too long, his voice a little too quiet. As soon as ‘they’ saw him, they judged him unfit, uncool, an outcast, a loser, a bogan. Not that it really bothers me. I’m used to the judging. I mean I’m not saying its fair, but it happens to everyone and if you get cut about it, then you’re just as bad as them. By the way, if you’re wondering, I didn’t go to the concert last night. My mum was late home (surprise surprise) and didn’t get home until 3am. I was not gonna leave Jeremy all by himself. He had fallen over on the way home from school, his whole leg was drenched in blood, and he couldn’t walk properly. So I spent hours hugging him, giving him icepacks, and watching some movies with him. He didn’t have to say it, but I knew he didn’t want to be alone. 20

“Alex! Come here! Meet Hazel!” Yelled Hilary, who has a habit of making friends with absolutely everybody. I walked over.21

“Hi Hazel.” I said very unenthusiastically. Hilary gave me a look. She’s lucky I didn’t groan! Hazel was average height, thin and tanned. I could tell she was tanned by her skirt…which was the shortest thing Ive ever seen. She had those shoes that you can just tell cost tons of money and her hair pulled up tightly.  She had one of those overly enthusiastic smiles that made you think you’d rather have your eyes dug out with spoons then see her smile one more time. 22

“Hello! I am so excited! This school looks luuuuuush!”  She said, dragging out the last word to make it more into a song. I smiled the fakest smile ever and walked off. Well, that was interesting. Another interesting day in the life of me. 23

I managed to walk straight into the new guy as I was leaving. I had decided to walk home today, because Jeremy wanted me to walk to his school and walk home with him coz he still couldn’t walk too well. I tried to smile at Jake and leave without conversation but it wasn’t that easy.24

“Hi. I have to walk home, and I don’t know the way. Your not walking home are you?” He asked. I wondered if this was one of those situations where you can ‘white lie’ and tell him I’m not, as too save myself from the agony of walking home with someone incredibly odd and anti-social, who may quite possibly end up doing impersonations of Star Wars air crafts. I supposed it wasn’t. 25

“Umm yeah.” I answered. Don’t ask me to walk home with you. Please Jake.26

“Will you walk home with me?” God damn it. Ahh what do I say now? Umm…think of something. Think of something.27

“Sure.” Oh nice going. Why did I have to agree!? 28

Okay we have been walking for ten minutes and it’s been awkward as hell. He’s been asking things like ‘What is your favourite subject?’  I’d rather he was doing Star Wars aircraft impersonations. 29