Carson leaned over and picked a stone up out of the creek. Feeling its weight in his hand, he felt it and ran his hands over both sides. One side was extremely smooth, almost like marble. The other side was rough, bumpy, almost like a mountain range on an otherwise flat land. Then he realized life was kinda like rocks. It could be going along smoothly, perfectly, with nothing at all wrong. But it could also be rough, bumpy, lots of troubles along the way. Right now Carson was on the bumpy side.
Tossing the rock into the bushes, he got on his hands and knees and took a drink from the water. It was refreshingly cold as ice, and tasted better then the bottled water he usually bought. Carson drank his fill then stood up and walked casually over to a tree. Sitting down in its shade, he leaned against the trunk and closed his eyes.
******
"No!! Don't hurt me! Please!" cried the lady, snot running down her face, tears dripping off her chin.
"I'll do anything! Anything!"
Carson snorted and laughed cruelly.
"Im sure you will. You are quite the slut Linda. I have been watching you. God has appointed me to get rid of the sinners. You are one of them."
Leaning back down, Carson grabbed the hedge clippers at his feet. He had already used them to cut two of her fingers off and leave a jagged cut across the heaving top of her left breast.
"Im sorry! Please! I will never do it again!" sobbed Linda.
"It's too late now Linda. God has told me to finish your sinful ways. Your too far gone." said Carson, and jammed the hedgeclippers into her chest.
With her last breath, Linda screamed, then her mouth went silent for the last time ever.
******
Carson awoke with a start. This dream had been haunting him. Linda was the last mission he had been sent on. She was the one who had caused him to be discovered. It was because of a stupid mistake by none other then himself. Just because he was the first to use those hedgeclippers and he didn't have gloves on, the police were able to get fingerprints and identify him. Since then Carson had been on the run. The police didn't understand him. If they caught him he would go to jail and God would be dissapointed. All the murders he had committed were on god's orders. That would not hold up with the police though. The fucking police would take him and lock him up, no ifs thens or buts about it. Sure, he could plead temporary insanity, but he knew himself it wasn't insanity.
Standing up, Carson grabbed his pack-sack and began walking again. As he walked along the path in who knows where (really he was in a small un-named forest somewhere between Portland and Salem, Oregon), his thoughts began to go back to the very first time he had talked to God and had been ordered to murder a sinner.
*****
As Carson shut his bedroom light off and closed his eyes, he was assaulted with a bright light and a human shaped figure that he couldn't place any details to.
"Carson..you have been chosen to be an eliminator" said a deep voice.
"Wh-Who is this?" asked the scared teenaged Carson.
"God. This is God. And you have been chosen to be an eliminator. You will be eliminating the sinners of this world. Your first job is to eliminate that sinful girl in your class, Kali Donaldson."
Carson instantly knew who he was talking about. Kali Donaldson was the dentist's daughter. She was tall, blonde, and beautiful. She also had slept with almost the entire football team.
"Eliminate? As in kill?" asked Carson, somewhat fearfully.
"Yes. Kill her. I will visit you with your next victim after you finish this job." said the heavenly being, and with that he dissapeared.
The next day, without thinking about it, Carson had takin his dad's pistol to school in his bookbag. He then waited anxiously all day for school to be out. Finally the bell rang signaling the end of the day.
Carson practically sprinted out of the class room and found Kali. He followed her home. She never made it home that day though. Carson followed her til they were both out of sight, and then called to her. He asked her if she minded if he walked her home. After she looked him up and down, she winked and said sure. Carson then walked with her a little ways and then forced her off the side of the road, saying that he saw something. He then took off running into the woods, and she had followed him. When he thought they were deep enough, he told her to close her eyes as he walked behind her. The last thing she heard was "Sorry" before the bullet went through the back of her skull and out the front, her brains and shards of her skull exploding out the back, just a small bit of blood shooting out the front. Carson then buried her underneath a tree, and she was never seen again by anyone.
******
Smiling, Carson was glad he had revisited that scene in his head. Carson was now on the run from the cops. He knew who his next victim was. A man by the name of Carlos Santero. The problem was getting there without being caught by the cops. He needed to get to the small town of Davis, where Carlos lived. Carson continued walking through the woods, thinking of how he would take Carlos's sinful life.
Authors Notes
The town of Davis for which Carson is heading is a completely made up town. If it is a real town, then the likeness was coincidental.
A contest entry
- "Voice" your thoughts! by Bitter Irony.
225 points, ended September 27, 2007, 15 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - The Writer's Challenge: Round X by Asfand.
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• next story in this contest, remove from contest
Comments
1 - 16 of 16
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too many words for my contest thanks for entering tho
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There was no category listed for your story so I read it and found that it was about your character being chosen to kill people, which is not the type of story that I enjoy reading. Thanks for entering but I could't read your story any further.
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keep this up, your writing style has a nice feel to it, maybe try to think of something a bit more original than the whole pyscopath sent from god bit. good job anyways, and good luck in the contest\
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Good luck in z Contest!
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This mightg be a classic. You should send me the links of the other chapters though.
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very graphic with the brain splattering thing. this is just my opinion, but i think graphic details are distasteful unless they are significant to the plot. Your descriptions were done well though, painting the image in the readers head. thanks for entering my contest
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Hm. If I had a nickel for every time I'd read a story like this... well, I'd have about 35 cents, but that's besides the point. The thing is that this idea is so far overdone that I can't imagine how you could change this one up to make it at all different from any of the others. It's just... unoriginal. Maybe if you threw in an unexpected kind of spice - what, I'm not sure - but something set apart and creative, maybe then I'd say it was unique. But not being rude, but I have seriously read at least seven stories like this. Anyway, other than that, it is pretty nicely written. Good job on that. Keep looking for that creative twist.
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This is a good, descriptive sotry, a bit of mispelling, but I don't mind, as I dont spell good either.
Reminds me of an episode of supernatural.
Is this boy actually being told by god to do these things? Is it his mind playing tricks? I think it could be god, as it may be possible that some of these people he has killed he did not know. Ofcoure, the girl in his class he did, but Linda, perhaps, he did not know. It would be far easier to kill someone you do not know, the brutality he showed might be a clue. Oy ucan ttell I watch to many crime/mystery shows
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"god told me to do it" is a classic excuse, both in fiction and RL.
making characters belive god's talking to them is easy, making the reader belive it is somewhat harder.
if god asked me to kill someone, id like to think it was someone important, not just some slutty cheerleader. -
This kind of reminds me of a story I watched before. A brilliant story plot, all the same! I would be afraid it was the devil talking to me,l rather then God. Your story was awesome, good luck on the contest!
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Total 82.6/100
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Hm ~
I liked how he was acting on God's orders ~ A make-belief insanity's playwrite you see, very well done on that one ~
What bothered me was your lack of seriousness. Please, do bother to reread your writing. Lots of spelling, grammatical mistakes ~
Good job, though ~
"Im <-- (PLease take the liberty of proof-reading ~ missing apostraphe in several places) sure you will. You are quite the *bunny* Linda
Theme ~ 8.6/10 -- I liked the divine-insanity as you placed it ~
Originality ~ 12.4/15 -- Not original, you get a plus '2' points because of how he was acting on godly orders ~ which were not so godly at all ~
Flow ~ 19/25 -- You lose points here. It was very rushed, I would loved mroe detail, more expression to comfortly snuggle into the story ~
Feeling ~ 17/20
Structure ~ 25.6/30 -- Bad structure, because of grammatical errors. REMEMBER, proof-reading is necessary ~
Good luck and thanks for entering ~
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Okayidokie... this was good. It was a very interesting concept, and I think you did a good job expressing it. It would be intersting to find out what happens.
Okay, score...
Theme ~ 8/10 > while this was an intersting concept, it didn't really grab me and make me read it.
Originality ~ 10/15 > This is not the first "I'm a sanctioned killer" story I've read. To be honest, I didn't really see anything in this that separates it from all the others with the exception of there not being a reason for why he was chosen.
Flow ~ 22/25 > There were a few placed that were phrased awkwardly and this story jumped around a bunch. I think your transitions could've been done better.
Feeling ~ 10/20 > I didn't feel anything. You told me what he was thinking, but what was he feeling? The overall piece seemed bored, but from the words I don't think that's how it was supposed to feel.
Structure ~ 20/30 > You're two thirds of the way there with the structure. The transitions and things need to be worked on, and that will help you with the structure.
Total 70/100
Good luck in the contest, and thank you for the contest entry! -
A neat story with a crafty plot
he had committed were on gods (God's) orders-his dads (dad's) pistol -the dentists (dentist's) daughter.--You need to watch those possessive nouns. They can be a irritant to a reader.
Certainly don’t want to run into the Eliminator--grin. A neat story with a crafty plot.
Your character would make it possible to do away with all that expensive law enforcement. I do believe you have a twisted individual who likes to lay his blame on God for the brutal acts he commints. I could be mistaken (happens now and then) but the final end of the story will not be pleasant for Carson.
One thing is contradictory, you say the last victim was responsible for his being caught—but he hasn’t been caught as yet.
Would like to read the rest,
Geri
beginning: 4, language: 3, plot: 5, ending: 4, characters: 4.
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u are right...i did contradict myself! it would have been better if i had said that his last victim was the cause of his being discovered..thanks for the comment! and thanks for pointing out those possesive nouns!
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Very creative story idea. Watch out for repitition in description, though: you use the word "side" three times in three sentences at the opening, and mention Carson feeling the stone twice in one. Also, see if you can be more objective in your description: instead of passing judgement by saying "cruelly", etc, try giving the objective details of Carson's laugh.
Thanks for entering the contest, and good luck!
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