Katie opened her eyes. Something wet was lapping on her legs, and there was a rough feeling on her cheek, kind of like how it felt to kiss her boyfriend Tom when he hadn't shaved in a while. Her body hurt. Everything hurt. Her legs ached, her ribs groaned, there was a nasty bruise on her left forearm, and a gash above her eye. Looking around Katie realized she was on a beach. The wetness she had felt on her legs was the ocean waves coming up on shore, the rough feeling on her cheek was the white sand of the beach. Then it hit her. She now remembered. Her ship exploded. The one she was taking a cruise on. It was hijacked by men in black clothes and black ski masks. They were all waving guns. People were being shot innocently. Katie herself managed to jump right before the entire ship blew up. Lucky chance perhaps?
Now thinking she realized she was stuck. Stuck in the middle of the ocean on an island with nothing but sand, an occasional bird, and a few trees. This was now her home. She called it her home only because she did not want to call it her hell. She didn't want to give up. She was going to survive. Getting up, Katie slowly made her way over to the few trees on the island. Looking up she saw she did have luck with her once again. Coconuts. Now that she had a way to sustain her energy, she needed to find a shelter. Looking around again she saw that there was a little hollow in the ground. Perfect. She could take some palmtree fronds and build a small shady area. It would work for a while. But she knew that it wouldn't hold up against any storms. The storms out here in the pacific could be savage. Katie gathered some palm fronds and laid them over the hollow. Katie's Hollow. Number 1 Beach Drive, Isolated Island, No zip code needed. That was her new address. Katie knew. She knew as well as anyone. She could not live much longer then a few weeks. Not on this island. This tiny little home. She knew that she was totally isolated. Nobody knew where she was. Nobody would find her. She knew. Thats what isolation can do to a person. Make a person resort to the worst kinds of thinking. If she did not starve, she would get sick and die. If she did not die of thirst, she would be attacked by a shark in the water. These are the kinds of things running through Katie's mind. She was stranded. Isolated. Done with her life. She just did not know it yet. Her body and mind refused to believe what her heart was telling her was true. Katie laid down in her Hollow. Katie's Hollow. And she slept.
A contest entry
- anything decent less than 600 words. by Anonymous Shadow.
100 points, ended January 24, 2008, 26 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - With So Few Words... by yumesandman.
350 points, ended January 9, 2008, 31 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest
Comments
1 - 13 of 13
-
It's okay, but it could use some improvement.
Firstly, the pace is way too fast. We go from her waking up to her ship exploding to her realizing she's not going to make it all within a matter of sentences. Add more detail, and slow it down a little bit.
Also, how did she manage to figure out that she wouldn't have enough supplies to live off of while still curled up on the beach? How did she know she was on an abandon island without getting up?
At the moment, this is like a very detailed outline. You need to add more to it to make it a story. Once you've done that, I think it will end up being very good. -
Short and sweet, the saying goes. This is short, but not exactly sweet. (Joke)
Anyway, I found several structural and grammatical errors throughout the story that made it difficult to read and understand. Most of the sentances seem to be fragments, though that could work given the situation - if the story was written more in a third-person objective standpoint and less of a detatched third-person.
This could be expaned upon, deepenedm lengthened, and detailed to a much greater extent and thus create an excellent story that could be pretty interesting. It does hold a few familiar tunes to other stories (Cast Away, Sole Survivor, etc.)
Anyway, good job so far. -
What a terrible fate! To go from thinking you had escaped something, to discover you had only placed yourself in another fatal predicament. I like the way you turned the perceived paradise of a desert island into a lonely hell. Great contrast.
-
You could make a good long evenful story out of this. But this one seams so rushed and strait foreword that it takes all the fun out of it. There's really no emotion, no adventure, nothing. Just words describing a quick, rushed, story.
It could be one hell of a story line if you started at the begaining or fed things in stedaly, add background, something more three dimenshional. -
Ok the island..is short enough for her to see everything...its just really a small sandbar..with a few trees on it...and i was trying to write as in her thoughts..not like a full story..or else i would have been more detailed and the sentences would have been better and longer..but i will definitely take your review into consideration! thanks!
-
I can see the underlying of a good story here, but you practically threw all the information into your reader's face all at one time. It's more interesting if you tell the backdrop a little at a time so we wonder but not for too long.
I don't feel anything from this piece. It's like reading words on paper and I don't feel your character's loss or horror over the fact she is on that island.
She doesn't even check out the island before deciding that there's no way out. For all she knows, there could be a whole other side and maybe even other people or a tribe?
I like how she referred to her address, though. That was funny.
Needs more work but it could develop into a really good story with a lot of potential to go in several different directions. -
yeah, it is kinda short to really judge the story.
one question, it the island like lost, big enough to have adventures in, or like the cartoon one you could spit accross? -
That's it?
I think you ought to work on writing more interesting sentences. Each of your sentences is rather short and a bit too simple. Subject, verb....Subject, verb. Sometimes, you get generous and throw in subject, verb, object! This becomes rather dull...boring...even monotonous! "Monotone!" That's the word. I can hear it. And it drones! And you're a bit repetitive also. For example: "Then it hit her. She now remembered. Her ship exploded. (da-dah...da, dah-dah..da dah-dah...) "The one she was taking a cruise on..." It was hijacked by men in black clothes..." (Zzzz) :They were all waving guns!" (ZZzzzz) Why not say: "THEN SHE REMEMBERED HOW HER CRUISE SHIP HAD EXPLODED DURING THE HIJACKING!" (isn't that more interesting? It makes people want to read on to find out what happened. Otherwise you just break the story up inhundreds of tiny little fragments. Dull. Dull. Dull.) Then continue with: "The ship had been taken over by GUN WEILDING HIJACKERS WHO SHOT INNOCENT PEOPLE WHEN...!" This SOUNDS more like a story. (You get to finish! lol!) -
YAYAY
I like this beginning!
I can't wait to see how it unfolds! Will she go crazy? will she make a coconut firned. Posiblitys!
I will so be reading this evertime you write a new one.
beginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 5, ending: 4, characters: 4.
-
Good beginning
I think you rushed through the back story a little too fast. I really liked the part about her address. Very funny. Keep writing this could be really good.
-
wow
This was really good. I'm really impressed with how realistic Katie is. Also, I loved the title and you worked your theme in really well.
Excellent job! -
"The storms out her in the pacific could be savage." I think you might have meant here... Other than that, an overall good story. I wouldn't mind hearing more about how else she tries to survive, like trying to catch fish and stuff, but it's still awesome the way it is.
-
Wow, niceley written!
The title fit well! I was expecting some great story about how Katie would try and get off of the island, all of the possible dangers she would face. But you didn't write that, you wrote something better.
We all know that death is inevitable, especially for Katie. I think that you did a wonderful way of displaying how it is that Katie feels, and what she's thinking, what she's allowing herself to think, and what secrets she's keeping from herself.
Keep up the good work, and goodluck in the contest!
xxx
bye
Adding your comment:
1 - 13 of 13
