She stared at the stars, mind blank and body numb, wondering how she got there, and what had happened to cause the sensations she was feeling. Blood trickled down her leg, but she couldn’t feel the cut it came from. She heard sirens rushing around and screaming voices. She wanted to get up to meet them and ask someone, but she couldn’t stand, couldn’t walk. No one realised she was awake. Who was she anyway?1
From behind the police ropes a young man saw her and ran towards her, screaming. Two officers stopped him, pulling him back behind the line. She wanted to call for the man, she recognised something in him, and she believed he could answer her questions. But they pulled him back, and she couldn’t work up a cry in her throat.2
All around, people looked horrified. She heard the whispers and made out some voices and words. She thought she had been in a car crash. Why wasn’t she hurting? She saw the blood around her but she didn’t know where it came from. Was it her blood?3
A medic finally saw her, walked up to her. She felt like she was detached from her body. “Charlotte?” the man asked. She couldn’t reply, couldn’t nod or speak. She wanted so badly to talk He called another man over and they picked her up, putting her into an ambulance. The lights stung her eyes.4
She began to panic, looking all around without moving her head as they placed an oxygen mask onto her face. She heard all sorts of medical terms, few of which she recognised. She did pick one out though. Paralyzed. Then she heard it. “She’s not going to make it…” one of the doctors said to the other. A lump formed as she began to cry, a tear running down her cheek. The doctors thought she wasn’t conscious.5
She wanted to scream, saying I’m awake, how could I die!? But she couldn’t form the words, she couldn’t get anything out. She felt alone, she couldn’t remember anything. Who she was, what had happened, anyone around her, she couldn’t remember. All she knew was that there had been come sort of accident, and she was going to die.6
She lay there as the pain began to surface, overcoming her. As the darkness surrounded her, she whispered in her mind a small verse she remembered. She didn’t know where she remembered it from, but she did remember that it had comforted her in the past.7
Our father, who art in heaven, hallowed be thy name
Thy kingdom come, thy will be done, on earth as it is in heaven
Give us this day, our daily bread
And forgive our trespasses, as we forgive those who trespass against us
And lead us not into temptation but deliver us from evil
Amen 8
Charlotte died at 11:27 that night.9
The next day, in the newspapers, the following story could be found.
4 die in teenage drunk driver crash10
4 died in a crash last night on main street. A family driving home from a school concert swerved to avoid a car driving wildly on the wrong side of the road, coming towards them. The out of control car, driven by Charlotte Rice, clipped the back of the families van as it tried to pass, sending both off the road. Both parents died, their 3 children seriously injured in the county hospital. The drunk driver and her friend, Michelle Swiss, also died as a result.11
12
Author notes
You know how sometimes the story can start to control the writer? yeah, that happened here. I don't know where this came from honestly!
(favourite animal, panda)
options 2&4
A contest entry
- A Strange Turn of Events by water-spirit-ryuu.
225 points, ended February 29, 2008, 15 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - Anything. by HoneyAngel.
550 points, ended March 11, 2008, 21 entries
Honorable mention
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - Mind play by Thedamned77.
375 points, ended March 21, 2008, 20 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - CLOSED FOR JUDGIND AND FIREFIGHTING by Shah Z.
130 points, ended April 23, 2008, 20 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - I want to read! by damnxrightxitsxanna.
600 points, ended May 6, 2008, 26 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest
Comments
1 - 17 of 17
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I liked how she wasnt able to do anything, yet she could hear and see everything. The whole story ddin't really have any theme behind it, except for the "don't drink and drive" one.. Ii felt a little more jst like a description of what happened then a story, but good job
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This is a good outlook towards a story like this! This could really motivate people to not drink and drive, since it pulls you right in when you read the first line. Great Job and Thanks for entering HitmanShah's Contest!
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This was a great read! I've often wondered what it would be like to die or be unconcious and see what people say and do so I really liked this idea of her being able to hear and see what's going on around her. Also, you feel really bad for her the whole time and it makes you really sad and then the newspaper story at the end makes you shift your perceptions. Great twist. I kinda thought it ended too quickly though. I'd like you see you draw that out a bit and possibly tell about her dying rather than abruptly ending it. Other than that, marvelously done. Good luck!
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This is really good. Really powerful too.
I like it.
Good luck
Angel
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Holy Cow! This was, wow! Really great. I was seriously suprised to see that she was the driver. Great job with the emotion too. I wanted to scream at the people around her to notice she was awake. Excellent job with this story, I really mean that. Keep up the great work. God Bless!
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whoa. She was the driver. Didn't see that coming.
Good Job by the way.
^_^
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I read this in the past, possibly for one of my contests. I'm going to remove this, although I must say that the end part was pretty well written to stir up the readers' emotions.
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Um, wow.
I hope that you will consider writing new stories for each contest because by entering the same story to each contest you see fitting for it will not help you in improving.
Besides that. I enjoyed the realistic touch you brought to the story at the end. Good job =) -
This has been entered into like, everything ._. a little desperate?
Oh dear. I thought she had been self-harming at the beginning, and had gone too far by accident or something. Bad comunication.
Personally, I would have just ended this story at ''Charlotte died at 11:27 that night.'' if I'd been writing it, because it'd very cut off and sharp.
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Interesting. Actually it's growing on me.
The way the sympathy has been built is intriguing in the way it is reversed at the end. I think perhaps you could build the emotional response in the reader a little bit more, in order to make it more effective but maybe that's just me.
Good luck in the contest -
Good story. Rather unique, I'd say, because of the form. It is a very effective "drinking-driving-death" story. I loved how you incorporated the prayer in the story. Well-thought and well-written! Best of luck in the contests.
Keep writing
Ankitabeginning: 4, language: 4, plot: 4, ending: 5, dialog: 4, characters: 4.
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Rather well-done on the sympathy for the drunk driver. The story itself is pretty good. Some missing typos and grammatical areas that could use some cleaning up, but nothing too big.
The beginning is what I was looking for though. The first paragraph wasn't quite "there" for me. I'm sorry. BUt as a whole it was good.
Thanks for entering and good luck. -
NICE
This is very well written and very heart wrenching. It sends a very powerful message. Good luck in the contest
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Interesting twist.
You do bring sympathy for the drunk driver before you bring out that detail. It is a good approach. Most the time, people feel only contempt for the drunk driver, especially when they survive and others don't. Thanks for entering my contest.
Andy
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I had a hard time reading this, my older brother almost dying from drink driving so its a hard topic for me to manage.
Tnks for entering and goodluck.
~Lady Madeline.
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An interesting take on a tried-and-tested theme, this- just long enough to tell the story, and just short enough to leave us wondering. Well done!
beginning: 3, language: 3, plot: 3, ending: 3, dialog: 3, characters: 3.
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Wow, this really is a poignant piece. The accident was actually her fault, so that makes the reader feel shocked at feeling sorry for her in the beginning. Nicely done!
Thank you for the entry!
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