Why?

Ryan sat at the table, looking at his watch once again. Its 6:15, she should have been here already he thought to himself. He looked out all the windows again, straining to see her in the fading daylight, but she was nowhere in sight. He tapped his fingers against the table, nerves getting to him. It's the night he planned to propose and he couldn't help but feel a little anxious. Where IS she? He wondered yet again. The place was packed and he watched as men and women walked through the door to the restaurant. A thin young woman who looked as if she should have been a model strutted in, then an older gentleman with a greying beard. A bulky young man walked in next and Ryan noticed that he looked disproportionate, that his size was larger than his arms and face would imply, as they were much more suited to a thinner body.

Ryan checked his watch again 6:20... He stood up to walk to the window at the side of the restaurant. It was a beautiful view of Sydney. The restaurant was located within the Sydney Opera House. Leyla, his girlfriend, was definitely the artistic type, and they had visited the Opera House together on many occasions. In fact this is where they first met, both attending 'La Boheme' last year, they had been seated together and hit it off while speaking about the show before it began. He was amazed when he met her, they just agreed on so much. He had never found a young woman his age that shared his passion of the arts. It was almost a dream that they had been so well matched for each other, and the past year had just floated by for them both. He sat for awhile, reminiscing on the times they had spent together. Finally he looked down at his watch again 6:30... She's a half hour late now... she's never late, maybe she found out what I was planning and doesn't want to... Maybe something's happened to her he thought to himself as he began to panic. He decided to go call her.

As he stood up he felt himself being thrown forward by an unexplainable force, followed by piercing screams from all around him. A sharp stinging pain shot through his leg and he realised that one of the screams was coming from his own mouth. He stopped and rolled onto his back to be greeted by a fiery scene. The entire room, or at least what was left of it, was on fire. He realised he needed to get out as he began to cough from the smoke. People were running, screaming, down the stairs to the left, trying to get out. He stood to move out with the crowd and as he ran down the stairs he tried to piece together what had just happened, as many other people were most likely doing. Someone in the kitchen started a fire? But that wouldn’t give off the force it did... it was like... an explosion? But how would that happen? A gas leak? But there were more important things to figure out at that time then what happened.

He started to herd people down the stairs, telling them which way to go. Then he, and another man also helping to get people out, jogged over to an elderly couple. Both the elderly people used walking frames and couldn’t get down the stairs, but the escalators were towards the rapidly spreading flames and probably inoperable anyway. "How do we get them down?" the man asked Ryan. Ryan stopped to think for a minute They look pretty frail.. He thought. "They look pretty frail, they're probably fairly light, maybe we can each carry one down, piggy-back?" He yelled back over the crashing of some wood falling. He helped the older man onto the back of the younger man who was to carry him out and those two headed off. Ryan then kneeled down to pull the woman onto his own back. "What about my walking frame?", the woman asked as they were about to head down the stairs. Ryan grabbed it and began his long slow trek down the stairs.

Only a short way down he realised he couldn’t make it while carrying rhe frame. He looked down to see that the other man, carrying the elderly man, had also discarded the frame, as it was lying at the bottom of the stairway. "I have to throw it away, I'm sorry" he yelled to the woman as he too threw the frame down the stairs, and continued to move down them at a slow pace, keeping the woman on his back. She gripped him tightly as they both heard a crash, and some of the roof above them fell in a flaming mess. The fire had spread upstairs and was moving down them, chasing Ryan and his passenger. As he moved down the stairs as fast as he could he saw the crowd of people running to the hall that led to the door out. They were like ants, running for shelter from the rain that was the flames. The explosion was in more than just the café. It was by the wall that was shared with the largest auditorium, spreading the fire there too.

Finally he reached the bottom of the stairs, only to see that some of the flaming roof had landed on the frames, making them too difficult to try and pull out. "Can you walk on the flat floor?" he asked the woman on his back. She shook her head "I put all my weight on the frame, I'm too weak without it" she cried softly. So Ryan began to walk slowly to the door, carrying the woman. By this time everyone had left that area of the building, and the fire was spreading all around.

Ryan walked as fast as he could, when he heard a faint cry coming from some rubble. He looked over to see two children, no more than 4 or 5, lying under it, with flames coming closer from all sides. "Sir, help us!" one screamed as loudly as she could while her chest was being crushed by the wood. As Ryan turned he saw that the fire was too close, and it seemed as if at least one child's leg was broken because of the slab on it and the blood running down... He knew he couldn’t carry both the children and the woman and suddenly realised the choice he was faced with. He looked around for anyone else as he prayed to the Lord that he wouldn’t have to make this decision himself. But no one appeared and he realised if he stalled any longer the fire would reach the children. "Let me go" whispered the woman, realising the situation. "I haven’t got long left anyway, and they still have their whole lives ahead of them. Save them, I'll try and find a way out on my own". With tears streaming from his eyes Ryan realised what he had to do. He let the woman down, and ran over to the children in the rubble.

With haste he pulled away the wood and iron on the young ones as they cried, terrified of dying and watching the flames come ever closer. A crash sounded as more roofing fell down, and this only made Ryan work faster. As he got the top layer off, the children began to try and free themselves, throwing off smaller things that they could lift. Ryan could feel the heat from the flames intensely as he pulled off the last plank of wood. Grabbing the children, he ran as the fire began to consume the pile that they were under. He ran through the hall, only noticing the piles of rubble where the woman once lie but knowing waiting to find her would only get them all killed, as his suspicion was correct that not one but both children had broken limbs. He was in such a surreal mindset because of the disaster before him, that he wasn’t even conscious of what was happening around him. All logical thought had ceased, all emotion blank, as his mind filled with the need to escape and save these little ones. He ran out the door of what used to be the Opera House, children in arms, and right over to the ambulances lined up outside, caring for people. "Help! Both of these kids are bleeding heavily, please!" he screamed as he ran to the doctors and nurses.

A woman took the kids, while another made Ryan sit as she examined his leg. It was only now Ryan realised how badly injured he was. He had a shard of glass embedded into him, and was bleeding badly. He vaguely remembered a sharp sting when the explosion happened. How could I not notice that..? How could I have run like I did with that stuck in my leg? Ryan took some time to breathe and try to figure out what had just happened, what was going on in his mind. He couldn’t figure it out and he had a splitting headache. He fell into tears as the adrenalin and shock began to wear off, leaving him open to all that was around him.

The tears ran down his face as he saw the image of the woman, lying under the rubble, dying, and he didn’t help her. He couldn’t help her. He thought of the old man who thought he would protect her. And he felt guilt. He knew he had no choice, but still, guilt. He looked up at the doctor tending to him "What have I done?..." he asked earnestly, but knowing the doctor couldn’t understand, couldn’t know what was shooting through his mind at that time. How could anyone understand? I let an elderly woman die in there, I should have tried something else, I could have done something... "You can go. Wait around for an empty ambulance, but your case is a lower priority right now. You're all bandaged up and should be able to walk" the doctor informed him. Ryan looked at the doctor, to see that he, too, had tears in his eyes from the shock and devastation of the scene around him. Ryan got up and walked around. He had no aim, nowhere to go.

He just looked around for somewhere he might be helpful. Somewhere he could help save someone else. He felt in his shocked state that maybe if he could help enough people it would make up for what he had done. But he knew he could never forgive himself for the horrible choice he had been forced to make. He found himself going over all the events that had occurred since he stood up in the café, thinking of what he might have been able to do differently. He looked up just in time to see the children he had saved being carried to an ambulance, both alive. As the ambulance drove off he couldn’t help but smile. Maybe I did the right thing... now those two have the opportunity to grow up and see things for themselv...

His thought was cut off as he felt himself being flung forward for the second time, immense heat around him. This time he was closer to the bomber, and was thrown further. He landed hard on the street amidst more screams, further from the Opera House than most people, separated from the others by the line of ambulances. This time he wasn’t screaming, he couldn’t. And this time he didn’t sit up to look, he was flat on his back and couldn’t move a thing. He felt blood trickling down his left leg which he saw to be at a skewed angle, much like his arm. He was covered with burns simply from being so close to the bomb. He tried to call for help, but it was no more than a gurgle, and he realised his time was up. What the heck is happening?... I don’t understand. There's no kitchen out here. The only thing that could cause that sort of force is a bomb... The bulky man? No, he couldn’t be... why would he?...

He turned his head to the left to see a small blue box. It was the box he had kept the ring in. He was reminded of his girlfriend and began to cry. And he was happy, happy that she had been late and never arrived, happy that she wasn’t able to come. Whatever had happened to keep her couldn’t possibly be worse than being here, right now, and watching this destruction or being within it as he now was. He dreamed of her, closing his eyes. And he thought he heard her voice. It was all so realistic. "RYAN!" he heard her scream as his eyes shot open. She was running towards him in her small black dress, tears beginning to run down her face. "RYAN!" she screamed again as she fell to her knees beside him. "Oh Ryan! What's happened!? What's going on!? Please, speak to me!" she cried hysterically by his side. But he knew his time was up. "I love you" he tried to say, but it came only as a gurgling sound to her ears, scaring her more. She took his hand, the one on the broken arm, tightly. She realised what Ryan had realised as he was first thrown. In desperation to make a final statement to his love he remembered the ring. Slowly he moved his unbroken arm up, until he finally clasped the box it was in. She saw it and took the box from him, confused. As she opened the lid she began to cry more, tears running down her face as she understood the statement that ring made. And as she looked back to her love she saw his eyes close, and felt his pulse stop. And she saw the smile upon his face, that he had the opportunity to see her, one last time.

Author notes

This was originally written as a school project but I now consider it to be my best work as far as short stories go.

lady madeline - i suppose the top explains it well enough, i consider this to be one of my best stories, i worked very hard on it. id really love to win the contest with this story because by the looks of it that would be a huge achievment.

magicaldreamhorse - Life is only happy when you wish for a falling star

Someone (didnt check the name, oops!) - Alexander is the God Emperor of the World

ATTN!! - I've had to have this argument many times. If you have issue with the way my paragraphs are done please scroll down to the comments before saying anything about it. I appriciate Americans learn it differantly and I don't consider that to be wrong. But I wont change my writing because Americans decide they're right and we're wrong.

A contest entry

    : , Your review:

    Comment Suggestion: What is your your first impression?
    : Cost: 0 free left 0 points, You have 0. (?) (Line numbers)
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Comments

1 - 29 of 29

  • tallblondie gold member
    May 30, 2008
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    Good emotion evoked, though I felt that you could have described both the surroundings and characters better - give them three-dimensionality rather than just generalise. Reasonable atmosphere - though mostly obtained from the setting and theme of the piece than from writing style and skill. Overall, an interesting story.

    Thank you for your entry.

  • Thedamned77
    May 23, 2008

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    Overall, one great story. I don't have a problem with the paragraph structure, but I didn't like the angry, defensive attitude you took about it. Keep in mind many readers may be American and by taking a negative stance on how Americans are taught you're alienating your readers. I think if you really felt the need to explain yourself then you could've done it in a non-offensive, polite way as opposed to the offensive attack on others writing style. The reader that critiqued your paragraphs was taught one way and that's how he critiqued. You need to realize maybe you aren't RIGHT and it's not a matter of RIGHT or WRONG simply different. If I were you I'd forget the whole deal. You were taught one way, we were taught another. That's fine. No one is right or wrong, simple taught differently. That's the end.
    For the story itself I thought it was a little too Hollywood. And by that I mean that I think it was possibly too embellished and a little predictable. The explosion, the vital decision, the sacrifice of the old woman, the children, the second explosion. It was like there were so many places to end it. I did, however, love the ending. Such raw emotion. You told the story well and I found myself close to tears. Bravo

    • abba12
      May 24, 2008
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      I understand they're differant, but for my country, I'm right. Unfortunatly most americans beleive they are right for the whole world. The attitude frustrates me, and almost everyone else outside of america, greatly, so I won't change my work for them and I will defend myself. Prehaps I got too defensive but it was far from the first american to say it. I'm forced to learn about your culture while you couldn't care less about ours. I say 'you' as a generic term for your county, you yourself seem to be fairly understanding of the idea that we aren't all the same.

      Thank you for the comments on the story. This story was supposed to be a little steryotypical, but I do see what you mean about the predictability. I'm glad you liked it


  • ElfSong
    March 31, 2008

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    I really liked this. You didn't make me cry though, and there were a few mistakes. It was extremely engaging and action packed. There was quite a lot of nice build up towards the end, but I feel that the end itself was a bit abrupt. Setting it in Australa was a good move too (I'm Aussie). Good luck.


  • Jenni-Wren
    March 21, 2008
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    This was beautiful and so tragic. I will admit I was actually crying at the end. Great write.


  • jonbautz
    March 14, 2008

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    This is beautiful

    The only thing not beautiful about this is the defensive stance in the author's notes on the whole paragraph thing. I'm not going to argue grammar. What I will interject here is this. When you present something for an audience, and for an informed audience no less, and request feedback or place it in a forum setting where feedback will be given, why stand so firm? The point of writing is communication. If you could just, you know, divide subtopics then this is what you would be doing. You would be taking something great, and making it more accessible without compromising the integrity of the story. The feedback on this site is to help make you a better writer. Why not consider the audience instead of just considering them wrong? That's all. I hope you find this helpful. I could really really go on about accessibility equalling success but why bother. I, myself, don't have the background in writing to presume to do that, but I have the background in other mediums to know that its true to them. That aside, let me reitterate how beautiful I found this to story to be. Love peace and chicken grease!!!

    • abba12
      March 14, 2008
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      To me, and to people from almost any country outside of america, the small paragraphs do not make it more accessable. In fact, for me, I find they make it less accessable, harder to read. I refuse to change my writing because americans beleive they are right, and everyhing should be done the way they do it. Also you say I am assuming the readers are wrong. You miss the fact I did in fact take in many of the other suggestions, and that the person commenting assumed that I was wrong in the way I wrote.
      Again, I have no issue with critisism and this story has actually been changed due to critisism both in the comments and in real life. But I will not change the way I write, the way i find it easiest to read, and the way students in my country and many others are taught to write, because americans beleive that they are right and everything must be done the way they do it.


  • LadyLionnir
    March 10, 2008

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    I've already had this in one of my contests, lol...and for this one I was really looking for something different. I'm sorry.


  • callthexylophone
    March 8, 2008
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    Well written, so sad!!!! Good luck!

  • risktravel1newmoon
    February 17, 2008

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    It was realistic to true feelings. The lost feeling of letting someone go, the emptiness of failing. Wonderful!

  • LadyLionnir
    February 17, 2008
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    Impressive, really. It had such a thick amount of emotion-love, confusion. I also liked that you described the people and scene quite well. It really kept me focused because I could see everything. I didn't mind the paragraphs and didn't notice any mistake, it's honestly a great story. Thank you for entering my contest and good luck!


  • RxxSpiritWolfxxJ
    February 15, 2008

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    OMG. This was a totally cool story - I just can't find words to describe it. Sad and tragic, but the way you portrayed it was simply amazing.

    Cheers and good luck in my contest.


  • Starlight-Kisses
    February 6, 2008

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    that was excellent i loved it it was emotional and tragic sad that he had to made a choice between three people but that was an excellent story very well done and good luck ( feel bad for his girlfriend though poor thing)


  • On.Cue
    November 10, 2007
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    This was beautiful and intense and emotional.
    good job!


  • So Strange Greeters member
    October 2, 2007

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    I don't see a movie or real life type cast, and that's one of he main rules in the contest that I'm judging tomorrow. You must add a cast if you don't want to be dq'ed.

    Good luck in my contest, though!


  • Violet Moodswing Greeters member
    September 30, 2007

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    Welcome to StoryWrite

    And thanks for entering the new members contest. This was definately an intense write. It sort of kept me hanging onto the edge of my chair.

    Best of luck in the contest.


  • Wait-for-Quiet
    September 21, 2007

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    Wow. This was beautifully done, and extremely sad. The writing was fluid most of the time- and I really am glad I got to read it. There was a sacrifice in this (the old woman), though if Ryan made a sacrifice it was vague to me. Wonderful writing.

    Thank you for entering!

    MoonNight


  • pookah1111
    September 21, 2007

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    This was a great story. It caught my interest in the first paragraph and didn't let go until the very end. I really like the pace of the story. It started out a little slow then suddenly jumped into hyperdrive and didn't stop.

    Great job.

    I don't know if you have a different spelling for the word realize where you are but if you don't you spelled every instance with a "s" instead of a "z".


    I only saw one grammatical problem:

    noticing the piles of rubble where the woman once lie but knowing
    I'm not sure but I think you meant to say "lay"?

    anyway, thanks for a great read. Keep writing.



  • Maui Jane silver member
    September 19, 2007

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    Very interesting. I liked the emotion that you injected into your writing. I would have liked to have had a bit more detail on the first attack amidst all the confusion - more internal thoughts and background descriptions. What you did describe was fairly well done though (I'm always an enthusiast for more ) My comments are always filled with more more more - but you did deliver on this story and very well! Good Luck!


  • Mallig
    September 18, 2007
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    This is a really amazing story, great dialogue and intense emotional impact. Very well done!

  • snomann
    September 17, 2007
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    WOW !!

    Very good effort

  • EnemyOfAll
    September 15, 2007

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    really good story, it really conveys the emotion and the confusion, it really felt as if i was there, i really enjoyed this, keep up the good work


  • angel.of.mine
    September 13, 2007

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    AWWWWWWWW

    HE DIED!!!! this was so sad!! i loved it the way you worded and described it all was very good. i loved the story line you made and everything it was just amazing! good luck and tahnks so much for enetering! i really loved reading this!

    beexox


  • Jack Necron
    September 13, 2007

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    Excellent

    This was very well done. Very deep and grabbing. The way you described everything was good and the dialouge was excellent.

    Good luck in the contest.

    beginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 5.


  • Andy Stephenson gold member
    September 13, 2007

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    Intense!

    This was intense and exciting. It is a very good story and well written. You really made the reader feel for your main character and for the other victims. Thanks for entering this contest.

    Andy


  • Token Massacre silver member
    September 11, 2007

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    when a character is thinking, unless someone is reading their minds it's assumed they think to themselves so "to himself" is unnecessary.

    Watch paragraph structure. If you put too many ideas within the same paragraph it makes it feel rushed.

    La Boheme should either be in italics or single quotes as it is an actual event.

    watch punctuation you're missing it in some places have extra in others.

    separating dialogue in paragraphs
    he said
    she said
    for example... gives emphasis on who is actually speaking.

    I have to say this is extremely well written and emotional. You grab your readers attention and keep it throughout. I have to say, I found it completely believable. You did well on this piece. Most of the editing is structural. Very well done. Thanks for entering and good luck. (I'll check back for edits.)

    • abba12
      September 11, 2007
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      Ok my explanation has turned far more longwinded than I meant it to, but I'm going to keep it up for others with the same complaint. I don't mean it to sound as defensive as it does, it's just I've had to defend this point so many times now. Thank you for the compliments on the story itself, I do appriciate the positive feedback

      I've had this argument over and over with Americans lol. Here in Australia, we are taught that a new person speaking goes on a new line if it's on the same line as another speaker, NOT a new paragraph and not a new line when the speaker is the only one on that line. When I first came online I couldn't work out why all the stories had 100 paragraphs heh. This is also why the paragraphs are so rushed to your perspective, we are taught to seperate them only when a new scene or totally differant idea is brought up. I've read some of the reports a good American friend of mine has written and they all have so many paragraphs, whereas we are taught an 800 word report has about 6 paragraphs. As this was originally a school project I decided it best to keep to the way I was taught at school. I don't know why Americans and Canadians (and now to some extent the english, but I find most do it like us still unless they write online a lot) insist on doing it differantly. However I don't feel I need to write to suit Americans. The paragraphs are correct for my country, and for the majority of the UK (some English and Australians and such are begining to write like the Americans)

      Ok rant finished lol. I will go back and edit the show name, thanks for pointing that out. I did the punctuation as best I could and edited it where my teacher was able to point some out as being wrong, so if you could point out where you consider the punctuation to be wrong that would be really helpful, because it's been through a few people now and I thought I got it all out and sorted.

      as for the 'to himself' comments, i felt that if i left it to just 'he thought' that it would have been interprited differantly. It's a small context change but its there. its like,

      'she should be here at 6' he thought - thats a fact, but

      'she should have been here at 6', he thought to himself. - thats emotional, thats talking to himself. At least to me, there is a differance there.

      Again, I really do appriciate the comments on the story itself, and it isnt just because they're positive, I appriciate negative comments on the work itself as well. It just frustrates me that I've had to defend this peice in particular so many times because people don't understand America and Canada learn english differantly to other countries.


  • Miss Hanako Cullen
    September 10, 2007

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    Very Moving!

    Excellent Job! I thought this was really well written! Now, it's not really my thing but I did think it was very good. I love the dialog and I am all about Dialog!
    Good Job!

    beginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 5.


  • RedHearts
    September 10, 2007

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    This is really sad.The dercriptions are very good. And its very touching. So it was a terrorist attack after all...
    Good job!!!!!!Good luck in th contest!!!!!!!

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