Tears Across the Miles

August 6, 20041

The day had finally come.  Today was the day I was leaving to see my son!  The blaring alarm buzzed next to my ear - seven o'clock AM.  I reached over to turn it off and hopped right out of bed, heading towards the bathroom.  My boyfriend, Chris, got up shortly thereafter and fixed me two eggs, over easy and a couple slices of buttered toast, complete with a huge mug of piping hot coffee.  Feeling very anxious and apprehensive, I polished off breakfast and prepared myself for the long drive ahead.  2

I headed out to finish my last-minute errands before the trip.  First, to pick up my paycheck, then to change the plates over on my car.  You see, my plates were still registered in New Hampshire and two months overdue.  Had I not gotten them switched over to Michigan I would have been pulled over the minute I hit New England, if not sooner, and ticketed on the spot.  I doubted even crying could get me out of that.3

I hate good-byes.  I returned home to affix the plates to my blazer and cried as I kissed Chris good-bye for four long days.  As much as I didn't want to leave him behind, I was going to see my little boy so that helped me get through it.  The pained expression on his face as I drove away just broke my heart many times over.  I had gotten no further than five miles away and realized I had forgotten something - my passport!  So, we had to live though another teary good-bye but then I was finally on the road, at nine-thirty AM.4

Driving through Michigan was a breeze, the construction wasn't too bad and the weather was great.  Speeding down the highway at eight miles an hour isn't half bad either.  Of course, I stopped for gas at Port Huron before leaving Michigan to enter Canada.  Now you know why I grabbed my passport - it's not that you need it, it just makes things easier if you have one!5

Now Canada, that was interesting.  Cities passing by at speeds of one hundred and forty kilometers per hour, and I was just moving with the flow of traffic!  After stopping twice at some roadside rest stops in search of a place to burn 6 CAD, I kept pressing on, until New York.  Of course, I followed my directions wrong and ended up right in the heart of Buffalo!  Only about a half-hour extra there though, I was wise to stop and ask for directions.  Other than that, New York and Massachusetts were both fairly boring.  Miles of farmland, as far as the eye can see, complete with red and silver grain silos standing tall against the sun.  Although I must say, the valleys on the New York Thruway are just impeccable - you can see vast spans of nature at its finest, complete with little towns splashed here and there.6

Finally, I was rounding the home stretch.  I had made it through Massachusetts and all its construction between Worcester and Lowell, miles of single lane highway drove me absolutely nuts.  By this time it was already nine PM and I was beginning to get tired.  Believe me, twelve hours on the road alone, with nothing but the radio blaring and wind rustling through your hair can get pretty boring.  Add to that the stress of driving so long, it only gets worse after dark.  I remember sitting behind the wheel, trying to keep from jumping up and down, all I could think of was that I'd get to see my little boy tomorrow, that thought was all I needed to keep me awake.  I finally pulled into Dad's driveway at ten-thirty PM.7

August 7, 20048

The excitement builds, today I get to see him!  After spending some time conversing with my stepmother both last night and this morning, I have time to kill.  I keep counting down the hours until we are going to Chuck E. Cheese later on, after Dad gets off work, of course.  Too bad he isn't feeling well so we won't be able to stay too long.  So, I putz around on the computer for half the afternoon.  9

Then the call comes, "Leave now, we're on our way there."  Oh my, I am so excited I can barely stand it!  Hopping into the car, I finally make it there.  This whole ordeal becomes worth it when a little voice shouts, "Mama," upon seeing me get out of the car.  I swear I held him half the time we were there, the other half we were crawling around on the floor under Chuck E.'s big, plastic playground.  This becomes the happiest and saddest day of my life as I hold onto my little boy for dear life.  Pizza and apple juice dreams will forever haunt me when I get back to Michigan.10

The tables are turned though, when my little boy is grabbing my shirt and this time he's the one holding on for dear life.  Why?  Because Chuck E. Cheese has just appeared in front of him and wants a hug.  No way, pigs would fly before that happened, although he did muster up the courage to give a high five and then wanted me to do the same.  As much as I didn't want him to be scared, I have to admit, I liked it when he was holding me.  I missed the feeling of holding him in my arms, I'd been with him almost all the time since he was born so this has been incredibly rough.  Most definitely the hardest thing I've ever been through.11

We have our picture sketched in one of the booths.  Too bad he's looking away right when they snap the thing, although he very intently watched the computer as it sketched both of us out.  So we do another one.  Just him and Mama.  One for me, and one for his room at Grandma and Grandpa's house.  It was a big plus to find out one of the rides he liked the most took his picture while he was "driving" in the car next to a plastic Chuck E.  We have three of those pictures.12

We both had a blast there and each got to take something home.  He gave me his token cup and I got him a car with his tickets.  Just a little Matchbox type one with the mouse on it, but he loved it just the same.  It was like I had never left, all he wanted to do was play with me and the toys and games, just like it's always been.13

Surprisingly enough, I remain strong when it's time for him to go back to his Dad.  Huge hugs and wet kisses follow reassuring him that I'd be at his birthday party tomorrow.  The night is sprinkled with tears and resentment, as talks with my father did not go very well.  It finally becomes clear to me why things happened the way they did - Dad just didn't want to have arguing in his house, and now I'm far away from my pride and joy.  If I could do things differently, I don't know how, but I would.  More tears are shed as I cry myself to sleep that night.14

August 8, 200415

Well, the birthday party went surprisingly well, as my son and I played for most of the time during.  Instead of opening his presents, he decided he'd rather play trucks with me, which felt so good, even if it did upset my ex-husband a bit.  Eh, he's a man, he can deal with it for a day.  I hated leaving this time - I swear I felt like I was going to die.  This time, I couldn't stop the ocean of tears from streaming down my cheeks as I held and kissed my little boy good-bye.  He's too young to really understand what's going on now, but I wish he didn't have to go through this.  I hate being so far away, it kills me to not see him.  The tears will never stop falling though, not as long as I live, they will always be there.  Even when I hold him in my arms again, the tears will flow for what is in the past, they will never ever disappear.16

I can't believe he's just about three now.  I also can't believe I am missing out on these years - it's horrible.  How many times I have cried that "life just isn't fair" and something of the like.  Just hearing him say, "Bye Mama," was enough to make me pray that this is the worst the situation will ever get, that he will still love me when he's older.  I regret that things have turned out the way they did so many times.17

The car is packed to the brim and this time, I'm taking everything but two boxes that absolutely will not fit.  Another long drive ahead of me tomorrow, longer than the trip here.  This leg figures to be about fourteen hours or more, as I'll be swinging down through Ohio - I don't want to drive through Canada with so many boxes, as Customs may have a fit and unpack my car!  18

As my final day draws to a close, I think back on the memories made and tears shed over root beer floats and strawberry sundaes.  After leaving my son, my stepmother took us both out for ice cream in hopes that it would help me calm down, as I was a hysterical mess by that point.  Over vanilla swirls in dark cola I finally stopped crying and was able to compose myself for a little while, until I went to sleep that night.  More tears stained the lavender pillowcase as I tried to get some sort of rest for tomorrow's drive.19

August 9, 200420

Saying good-bye to my parents wasn't a huge deal, just a few hugs and kisses, "I love yous" and "Be carefuls" as I backed down their long driveway and back onto the road.  Travelling back to Michigan was fairly uneventful, I only stopped as needed and stumbled upon an internet kiosk somewhere outside of Buffalo.  I spent the necessary dollar for a four minute session, it was the minimum, and sent a quick e-mail to Chris reminding him how much I loved him, when I'd be home, etc.  The last three nights we kept in touch via instant messengers but we missed each other dearly.  I couldn't wait to get back to him.  After all, I couldn't go back to New Hampshire, so where else was I to go?21

After getting a little lost in Toledo, almost being pulled over for speeding and missing my exit home, I finally arrived around eight-thirty PM.  I had left New Hampshire at six o'clock AM, so the whole trip this time around was just about fourteen and a half hours.  Still trying to gather an armload of stuff, I peeked up and saw Chris waiting for me on the steps.  When I reached him, I dropped everything and he kissed me like we'd been apart for years.  It felt good to be with him again, but I still missed my son.  We unloaded the car and had a long talk as I relaxed in a hot bath - how someday, we both with move back to New Hampshire so I can be near my little boy.  It was a long, tiring trip, but definitely worth it!22