Forever Rawr

Rawr.
That’s all he would say after he turned four, never hello, never goodbye, just rawr.

Dylan was my 13 year old brother, I say was because he died, 4 years ago, hit by a van, he suffered severer brain damage, past away 3 days after the ‘accident’. We were once living twins now…we we’re just half, living and dead.
I’m here to tell you about him, his story, his life, about my brother’s rawr.

We spent 4 years trying to get him to say mom or dad or Delilah, but with no prevail. I was usually the only one who understood him. A lot of the time he was quiet, he just sat and played with his toys, while I played dress up. Me and Dylan were twins but you wouldn’t think that. We were two different people but still we knew what each other wanted or needed.

Anyway….

“Rawr” often got annoying I would yell:

“SAY SOMETHING ELSE!” but he would continue to say ‘rawr’. I knew he understood me.

When Dylan and I were five, we went to Primary. I was scared that the other kids would make fun of him for only saying ‘rawr’, they did, but Dylan didn’t care. He went through all of elementary being known was ‘Rawr Kid’, ‘Slight Mute’ or ‘shut mouth fuck face’. I would hear him crying in his room sometimes.
He said ‘rawr’ a lot, but he could write. About a year and 2 years before he died, him and I exchanged notes. I was in the room across from him. So we threw balls with notes attached. He often told me
“No one at school likes me because I don’t like talking, my teachers understand, but the ass holes in my school are like “SAY SOMETHING MUTE FACE!”
We also had debates about stupid stuff like, why Carrots are orange. He usually won those debates.

I always asked him why he was silent besides saying ‘rawr’, but he often didn’t reply and pretended to be asleep. I’d get frustrated and then fall asleep.

During the day at school, he would hang out with me. He wouldn’t say anything even when I was only one around. He would either shake his head or say, ‘rawr’. Again I’d get frustrated and then stay frustrated for the rest of recess or lunch.

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Even though Dylan didn’t talk, he could scream. When ever he was upset or something at my parents, I would have to plug my ears it was so loud. The yelling would often be about him refusing to talk. He wanted to be left alone. Couldn’t he enjoy his silence? No my parents didn’t want him to be silent.

It finally came to the day he got hit.

He and I were sitting out on the porch of our house in the city. He turned to me and said

“Delilah…I don’t want to be here anymore.”

I was so amazed he said something I couldn’t say anything but “What?”

“I need to leave this place, this world. Maybe I’ll find eternal silence. I wrote a note for mom and dad. But I wanted to spend my last day with you. And now my time has come to depart.”

“What are you talking about?! You’re not thinking of killing yourself are you?!?” I was scared.

“I’m sorry Dee. I have too. I don’t belong here. Thank you for being here for me, I love you.”
After he said that he hugged me with his own tears trickling slowly. I hugged him back I tried holding on to him as long as I could; crying my eyes out, wishing he didn’t make this choice.
Dylan then stood and walked to the curb. My hands were moping up my tears, more like smearing them into my skin.

Then….


He jumped….

He went flying far, I ran over crying harder then I ever had.
Dylan laid there motionless… then I saw his chest move. Tears of sadness mixed with joy trickled fast.

“Dylan!” I was crying hysterically from the thought of his name “ Dylan! Can you here me!?!”

He mustered up words with heavy breaths, his eyes twitching and tears seeping through the corners of his eyes “I’m…going…I…can feel...it…But not…Right...now...”

I held on to him until the ambulance came. My mother went with him and my dad held onto me while I continued to cry.

His funeral was difficult to go through. I thought I had finished crying but my tears flowed just as fast as they did when he jumped into the front of the van.
I said a few words in his honor
“Dylan was my best friend, I was his, he told everything through note we wrote each other. He often told me he hated school he hated being bothered. He wanted to be silent. He only wanted to say ‘rawr’. He was a silent, yet loud, opinionated individual. I will miss him forever. I love you Dylan, you’re my best friend even though you’re gone.”
After I read my eulogy my entire family cried.

From there on in I said ‘rawr’ as much as possible. Forever will I rawr, Dylan’s rawr.

Forever Rawr.