Dear Diary

15:49pm
Saturday 8th September 2007
3rd person.


She wanted to go, she wanted to run away from her mind. Win every game she ever lost, forget, everything she thought. Why when something was so clear to her, did doubts have to come in the way of  her healthy thinking making her feel shattered? Not sure about anything any longer, feeling insecure, the way one shouldn’t feel. The way she was influenced to feel that way by her mother. She didn’t have a strong enough mind to overcome other’s doubts on the choice she was going to make. Yet she was so sure of what she didn’t want, she automatically knew that that was the only other way left anyway. She had made that choice. But it was in her hands to make it all go right. She couldn’t do that with other people silencing her positive thoughts. That is exactly how she felt.
Blasting through her ears, yes, she needed something to make her stop thinking, but then feelings arose instead. She liked these feelings though. They were clearing her mind! Floating out of her brain, brain cells flying all around the room, in search for those notes of happiness she once found. Nervous though, for this wasn’t enough to make her unable to perceive everything else that was happening to her right at that moment of her life. Not like that other time. The pauses just made her think how much she wanted her life to pause. To pause and to let her think. To stop everything that as happening and to make her control her decision, make it without anybody else. For it was up to her. It was only up to her to feel happy, sad, in despair, lonely, afraid, any other feeling that was passing through her right there, at that very instant. She felt them all at once. Hitting her like the force a chewing gum wrapper would have if it were dropped from high, high above.
Maybe she needed help? She had been offered help, but out of embarrassment had said no. Maybe it would be a time to reconsider. Maybe this help would be useful. Once again, doubt flooded her mind, she wasn’t even able to make that decision. She needed a break. A raw feelings break. And for that she needed Muse(the band).
Without interruptions! Then her mother entered her room.1

In despair, thinking, "Why couldn’t she leave me alone? Let ME think for a change? Let me overcome my doubts? Why didn’t she trust me and act as if she did? Even believe she did when she didn’t? Maybe I needed some distraction for a change".2