Poison/Untitled

I don’t recognise the face in the mirror. It might be that the boys’ bathroom mirrors in the school toilets were always covered with filth and stains, but I doubted it greatly. The face in front of me was harsh and disconcerting. I don’t remember it. I didn’t used to be like this.

My knuckles are mottled where I’m holding onto the edge of the sink, my nails feeling like they’re going to crack as I scrape them across its surface. My eyes are green but all I can see now is hate and rage. My face is angular, with high cheekbones and tight, pale lips. I look harsh and unforgiving. I hate it.

I spit into the sink and shove the door open into the hallway. My ‘mates’ Holly and Mike are waiting for me outside. Holly is a skankyly thin girl, with parchment skin, wispy blond hair, and huge blue eyes. When I come out of the bathrooms she’s smoking a cigarette. In the main hallway of the school. She doesn’t have to be scared someone will tell her to put it out.

Mike is bulkier, and taller than Holly, almost my height. He isn’t that pleasant to look at really. He looks like any dumb, high school bully. I looked like a bully, not dumb. I wasn’t dumb. Anything but dumb.

Holly saw me first, pushing off from where she’d been leant against the wall. She dropped the cigarette, squishing it under the toe of her steel-tipped boots. Her eyes were bored as they looked up at mine, and very empty, so not to piss me off. I wasn’t someone you wanted to piss off these days, especially not if you were weaker than me. Holly was one of those people.

‘You took a bloody long time in there,’ Mike growled. ‘I want to get some lunch.’

I gave him a disgusted once-over, and even that was enough to shut his trap up. He was a fat idiot and I didn’t have to be here. I wasn’t his ‘friend’ and I never would be. I would never be anyone’s friend, but I could shove people down the ladder if I wanted. I didn’t like it, but it was just something that happened.

Holly gave Mike a sneering, sidelong look; ‘you look like you’ve already had several lunches today.’

That’s the Holly I know. Smart, clever enough to stay in my good books, witty enough to know when to open her mouth and say something. We had been going out off and on for the last month, but she really wasn’t my time. Not deep down. I didn’t used to be fit to go out with someone, let alone the arrogant cheerleader. I didn’t like her that way.

I set off down the hallway, and she took my arm, hooking it with hers, half sneering half smiling as we walked along. She was almost four inches shorter than me. I was quite tall though, five foot ten. I couldn’t blame her for being so short. I would have called her ‘petite’ if I didn’t know any better.

Mike followed us, lumbering and menacing. People stepped aside to let us pass; it was a given. Nobody would dare stay in our direct course, unless they wanted to end up shoved headfirst into a toilet or something.

That was the kind of thing I did these days. Like I said, I didn’t used to be like this, but that was all in the past. I had to forget it. If I remembered here I’d break down, and that wouldn’t be good for my credit.

We took our usual seats at the side of the hall, where we could see everyone. I liked view over my dominion. It made me feel more in control; more secure. Holly and Mike went off to get their food. I didn’t. Holly would get me a glass of water, but that would be it. I didn’t eat. It tasted like cardboard.

I wasn’t used to anyone looking at me directly in the eye, so I was surprised when I caught sight of a boy across the room, staring straight at me. My brow frowned, and then fell back into place; I couldn’t be confused to him. I had to stare him down, and if that didn’t work, well…

He was in my year, so he had to be about seventeen, but that was all I knew about him. He had shaggy brown hair, but I couldn’t make out his eyes from where I was sat; he was directly on the other side of the room. He was handsome in that pretty-boy kind of way, elbows on the table, hands cradling his chin.

The others were back. My gaze broke, looking at them. Holly gave me my glass, and settled down to eat her salad. It was as scanty a meal as she was. All I could make out on Mike’s plate was a big heap of dull colour. Attractive.

I looked back up at the boy, but he was looking away now, talking to the ginger girl sitting next to him. I recognised her. Kenzie. If he was hanging out with her then he wasn’t popular. Wasn’t worth my time. Still though…

‘Morgan,’ Holly said loudly, snapping her fingers, ‘what’s bugging you?’

I started at that sharp sound, looking at her slightly confused features. I shrugged, ‘a kid over there. He was staring at me.’

She wanted to know whom, so I pointed him out to her. Her nose wrinkled as she turned back to me, ‘that’s Ethan. He’s a nerd.’

‘Oh,’ I said simply. That was all I said, because he was looking at me again. It wasn’t as harsh as before, but he was definitely looking at me. She looked back and scowled at him, ‘brat. Want me to go over there and tell him to stop?’

‘No,’ I said softly, even as she was halfway out of her seat. She dropped back down with a thud that must have jarred her entire body. He was talking to Kenzie, still looking at me out of the corner of his eye. She looked, and then rolled her eyes and laughed. He glared at her. She continued laughing even as they got up and left the room.

I watched them as they went. They got quite close to our table to exit. The boy was very tall, taller than me. Most certainly. Taller than my mother even. Where I was lanky, he was slender and flowing. He was wearing layered shirts, and netted gloves under them. Drainpipes cut close to his long legs, over his sneakers. He was wearing a black scarf that hugged his neck tight.

As they went out the door, he looked back at me, almost shyly, and then went after Kenzie. Once he was gone, I felt very confused about what had just happened. Had they been talking about me? Had Kenzie been mocking me? I don’t think she’d dare after what Holly did to her. If she had been, news would drift back to me, and then I’d have to do something to them. Had to keep things in check, you know.

I kept my eyes open for the boy in my last two lessons. I didn’t see him in English Lit, but I caught sight of him in the Art Block after. He was in photography though, whereas I was in graphic art. I kept giving him glances through the windows in the halls, and making excuses to go over to the other side of the room to get a better look at him. I didn’t think he knew I was there. Kenzie was with him, as were a few other untouchables. I didn’t see why he hung round with them. He was attractive enough to be popular, though there was that whole ‘nerd’ cast. He was still nice to look at though.

Only Holly was in my class for art. Mike had music across the block. When the bell rang, I went out ahead of her, cutting across so I’d end up walking out passed Ethan as he came out of his room.

He came out with Kenzie and another girl called Rian. Rian was a little chubby, with plenty of spots. Figure. They were laughing. I swallowed and made my way up to them. Kenzie noticed first, stopping to stare. Ethan looked to where I was, and the laughter died in his pretty little throat, staring at me too, and then Kenzie grabbed his arm and dragged him out of the building.

I stopped and clung to my sketchbook. Blue. His eyes were blue. I smiled.

‘What’d you do that for?’

I looked round. Holly was standing there looking flustered. She was displeased I’d gone off and left her. I shrugged it off and then made my exit out of the building. Ethan and the untouchables were nowhere to be seen. Damnit.

‘Morgan!’

‘You know that boy Ethan, why was he hanging out with Kenzie earlier?’

She frowned, confused by my question, ‘what?’

‘Why’s he with the unpopular lot?’

The jolt in her clearly said she had got what I was saying. ‘Oh. He’s gay.’

Oh. Right. I should have known. He looked gay, after all. Yeah. Ethan was an untouchable. Right. I’d stop thinking about him now. Or try.

Holly walked me home, silent as a beautiful corpse. She kissed me on the cheek when we reached it, and then continued walking. She only lived one block over.

I gathered my breath and stared up at the building towering above me like death. I didn’t want to do this. I didn’t. The person I’d seen in the mirror shuddered out of me in one sickening moment. I felt scared standing on my step. I felt scared to go into my house. I could always just chase after Holly and ask to sleep over at her house, though the last time I’d done that my parents had gotten so mad at me.

Fine. This was it. I unlocked the door with shaky hands, feeling the lock give under the feel of smooth metal. I turned the handle and stepped into the lobby, shutting the door.

I could hear the telly playing loudly in the sitting room. The house stunk of alcohol, sick and cigarettes. My cat Sadie didn’t come to greet me, which was a bad thing. It either meant mother had locked her up in the bathroom again, or she’d retreated to my room because of something bad. Sadie spent a lot of time hiding in my room. I’m not sure why; a lot of the stuff happened in that one room. Maybe it was just that I hid up in there too.

I walked into the hall, peering into the living room. My father was asleep in the chair, huge and ragged. A can of beer was perched between his legs, about to spill at any minute. Disgusting. I detested the man. I hated the feel of his hands rubbing against me. I disliked the taste of his fist in my mouth. He wasn’t the worst one though.

I couldn’t see my mother, so I snuck upstairs silently, wincing as one of the floorboards creaked under my weight.

‘Morgan!’

Oh shit. I sped up the stairs at full pelt, slammed my door shut and slid down the back of it to the floor. My heart was beating a thousand miles per hour, my breath coming rapid and scared. I’d been known to hyperventilate, so I tried to concentrate on breathing normally.

The floorboards began to creek as she walked up the stairs slowly. My concentration left me and I began to panic again. There’d once been a time where I’d been small enough to hide under my bed. She used to drag me out kicking and screaming by my ankle. She’d liked that. Now however I was too tall and broad of shoulder to fit under it. I had a knife hidden under my mattress, but I’d never quite gained enough confidence to use it on her. One day though.

She rapped on the door, quiet and unthreatening. My heart stopped beating for a few seconds. Her voice was sickly sweat, something that could make you sick if you listened to it too long.

‘Morgan, baby, can I come in?’

I stayed silent. She knew I’d be in here, so there was no point really, but my terror made my mouth stick and my teeth grit. I didn’t want her touching me.

‘Oh Morgannn,’ she catcalled, and I could taste the smirk on her lips, feel it as she started to turn the handle and push on the door.

A high keening sound forced its self out of my throat, and I bit my tongue to stop the squealing. She liked it too much. She was like a hunting dog with a squirming rabbit. One that she could get between her teeth and chew on.

‘Please, no,’ I whimpered, and she heard me. She laughed, high as jingly bells.

‘Surely you can’t be scared of little old me,’ she said, mockingly soft and innocent. ‘Not a big boy like you. Should I get your father to change your nappy, or are you going to let me in?’

My hands balled into fists, but like a little child, I stepped away from the doorway. She opened it slowly and I took another step back, away from the monster that had locked me in the closet with her for so many years.

She was six foot tall, and had been so for all my life. I’d been a small child and only found a growth spurt when I was sixteen, so she was intimidating. I felt like a bug whenever she walked into my room. One that she planned to squash under her heel. She was smiling sadistically, her blond hair falling over her roughly angular face. She reminded me of Holly, just more menacing. Holly wouldn’t do any of the things my mother did to me either. Holly was a saint compared to this witch.

‘Why’re you looking at me like that, boy?’ she asked gently, her smile twitching up further as I stammered to answer. ‘No matter; just sit down on your bed. Tell mummy how your school day went.’

I shook my head and murmured, ‘I don’t wanna,’ exactly like I had when I was five years old.

She sat, crossing her thin legs over. She was wearing a short skirt. I didn’t need to look to know she wouldn’t be wearing anything under it. She patted the place next to her, ‘come on then, boy.’

I sat, staring across the room. I couldn’t believe I was being this pathetic. She touched my thigh, sliding it up the inside. God, she’d have a field day with Ethan; I was nothing compared to him.

‘So,’ she whispered, leaning over me to lisp into my ear, ‘how did the day go for my wicckle solder?’

‘Good,’ I muttered. ‘It was good.’

‘How’s that girl Holly doing?’

‘Good.’

‘Have you fucked her yet?’

This was a loaded question. If I said yes, then she would accusing me of cheating on her, and well…I don’t want to think about what she’d do, actually. If I said no, she’d jeer and me and beat me. In truth, I hadn’t actually slept with Holly yet, but well…

‘No,’ I said. ‘I haven’t slept with Holly.’

She raised her eyebrows, ‘no? And I thought you’d have lured her in, with you being such a big boy and all, you know.’ She smiled that little girl smile, running her finger across my crotch. I didn’t like it. She liked to kid herself that I did. I didn’t. I was terrified.

‘Maybe you’re not the boy I thought you were,’ she pouted. ‘Maybe you’re not my big, strong boy after all. Maybe you’re just weak. As your stupid, fat, layabout father. Hm?’

‘Maybe,’ I squeaked.

Her fingers crawled up my stomach, over my ribs, to my neck. She tapped it boredly, and said to herself, ‘I bet you wouldn’t even have the guts to stop me if I slit your throat. Oh wait, I’d have cut the damn things out by then.’

She hit me. I’d known it was coming, but it still hurt. She got me in the eye, and I yelled, slamming back into the wall away from her. Her lip twitched in disgust, and then she got up, ‘you’re not worth the effort.’ She adjusted her skirt, ‘you’re not getting any of me tonight,’ and then left.

My eye already felt like it was swelling, or maybe that was just the pain of not being able to open it. Shit. I listened to her walking down the stairs. Once I was sure she was downstairs, I nipped into the bathroom. Sadie rushed passed my feet meowing as I opened the door. Mother had shut her in again. Thankfully, Sadie hadn’t been in there long enough that she’d spoiled the carpet like last time. Mother had blamed that little incident on me last time.

I found the painkillers that I kept stashed at the back of the closet, and swallowed a bunch of them in preparation. I didn’t like the dull throb that blows like that gave me.

I slunk back into my room, tired and still somewhat scared. Sadie was already curled up on my bed, waiting for me. I went to her, lying around the blob of black and white fur, stroking it. She began to purr, and I curled up on the bed and thought of Ethan, the untouchable. Ethan the gay untouchable. I stayed there, stroking Sadie and thinking about Ethan until I fell asleep five hours later.

X

Holly didn’t ask where I’d gotten the bruise. She knew me better than that. She knew my parents hit me, but that was where her knowledge ended. She didn’t know about the other stuff.

I didn’t see Ethan until lunch. Holly and Mike had gone off to get their food as usual, and I was slumped on the table, my head in my arms, face pressed into them. I felt a small tap on my shoulder, and looked up.

Ethan. I frowned, forgetting who he was for a second, and then remembering. He smiled nervously as I sat there looking up at him tiredly.

‘Hi,’ he said, and his voice was indeed, very camp. ‘I’m Ethan.’

‘I know,’ I muttered, allowing my usual tone of hatred to fill my voice like bubbling sandpaper, ‘you were staring at me yesterday. I don’t like people staring at me.’

‘Oh?’ He looked down, and then back at me. There was a moment’s silence, and then, ‘you knew what my name was?’

‘Only because Holly told me.’

‘Oh.’ He looked downcast. ‘Right. Sorry for coming over here.’

I think he was going to go, but I stopped him.

‘Ethan, sit down.’

He looked confused, but he sat next to me, careful, oh so careful, about how close he sat to me. He gave me that shy smile again, depositing his bag on the other side of the bench. He looked pleased to be there, and for that second, I really didn’t care what the people looking at us where saying and thinking. I’d made someone happy. Brilliant. Whoopty do. Least I could do. I’d probably done something awful to him in the past. Or Holly had. Or Mike. Who knows? I couldn’t remember.

Holly and Mike were back. They stood looking at us, most disconcerted at an untouchable’s presence at our table. Holly cleared her throat, and said, ‘what in the world is that…freak doing here, Morgan?’

I shrugged, taking my water off of her hovering tray. I looked back at Ethan, who was still nervous, ‘aren’t you getting anything to eat?’

‘I’ve already eaten,’ he said quietly, avoiding my eyes. ‘With Kenzie. The girl I was with yesterday.’

‘Where is she?’

‘She left when I…I wanted to come say hi to you.’

Holly made a disgusted sound in her throat, plopping herself down onto the bench. At her lead, Mike did the same. I ignored them. I cradled my face in my arms again, looking up at Ethan. He was cute. Very. I would say he had the features of an angel, but that would make me sound gay. He had a big Adam’s apple, which moved in a motion that looked painful every time he swallowed. He was doing a lot of that, actually. Scared. He knew I was looking at him, but he didn’t return the gaze now he was this close. He stared at the table instead, as if it were the most interesting thing in the world.

‘So, Ethan,’ Holly growled, stabbing a fork viciously into her salad, ‘what’re you doing sitting next to my boyfriend?’

He stammered, forgot what he was going to say, and then shuffled a little further away from me on the bench.

‘Just wanted to say hi, I guess,’ he mumbled. ‘Morgan said I could sit down.’

She gave me a dirty look, which I ignored. I liked having his presence. It was oddly comforting. I wanted him to hug me, hold me against his body, and keep me safe from the scary monster that hid in my cupboard. I wasn’t sure why. I wondered if he’d object, once we were away from everyone, that is.

I smiled at him. He was obviously startled. I think he thought I was about to make a nasty comment about him, or tell him to go away.

‘Why’d you want to ‘say hi’ to Morgan?’ Holly said in an immature voice.

Before Ethan could stammer out another answer, I said, ‘cut it out, Holly. You’re acting like a kid.’

She snorted, but gave in. I think she was jealous, actually. Too right she was. Possessive; Holly had always been possessive. I hated that; it reminded me of my mother. I had to fight back against it.

‘Want to blow this juke joint?’ I said to Ethan.

He blinked for a moment, and then a soft, ‘sure.’ He was scared. Probably thought I was going to beat him up or something. Oh well.

I didn’t once look back at Ethan as I walked out of the cafeteria, and out back of the school. I wondered if he’d get chicken and stop following. The way he’d been acting inside, I wouldn’t have been surprised if he had.

When I finally stopped and looked round though, he was still behind me. Nervous and several paces away, but he was still there.

I gave him the once over. He was at least five inches taller than me, and this close I could see how his shirt clung to his lean muscles, and how his jeans fit perfectly with all his curves. Everywhere.

‘You’re pretty,’ I said, with a forced edge of what I hoped sounded like mockery.

He smiled, and it was meltingly so. It reached his ocean-blue eyes. I could never have smiled like that.

I crossed those steps in an instant, reaching up to thumb his lip before I knew it. He flinched back, but stopped when he saw what I was doing. Poor guy; probably still thought I was going to beat him up.

He stayed frozen until I let my hand drop. His voice was slightly strangled when he said quietly, ‘what’d you do that for?’

‘I wanted to touch you.’

‘You can touch more of me if you like,’ he whispered. I stared at him. He blinked, realised what he’d said, and started backing off.

‘For Christ Sakes, I’m not going to hit you,’ I sighed, rolling my eyes.

‘You aren’t? What do you want then?’

God he was dim. Pretty, but dim. Plenty of guys around the school experimented with each other. You know, a touch here, a touch there. I’d never done it personally, but it was a wide known fact it went on.

‘Sit down,’ I said firmly.

He looked around for a place, and we ended up drifting to the other side of the pathway. He sat on the wall, and even then he was as tall as me. It felt good for him to be my height now.

I smiled, but I knew it’d come out twisted; I hadn’t mastered the art of smiling yet.

I sighed again and sat on the wall next to him. I let my hip bump his as he had done me earlier.

‘What’s wrong?’ he asked, seeing my sigh.

‘Nothing.’

I spat that word out, determined not to break out of the person I’d forged for myself at school.

He swallowed, and then an arm found its way round my shoulders. I went ridged for a brief second before leaning against his body. God he was warm. I laced an arm round his waist and nuzzled my face into his chocolate-coloured polo neck. It smelt like soap and felt like comfort.

I broke at that smell. I totally broke down. Tears and everything. He felt me crying against him, and made a soft shushing sound in his throat. He traced my jaw with one hand, his other still holding me to him. I was getting his shirt all wet and sticky now, but I didn’t want to move away, and he didn’t seem to mind.

‘Morgan,’ he cooed hesitantly, stroking my hair. ‘Morgan, what’s wrong?’

‘You smell like soap.’

I felt the smile on his lips as he said, ‘is that a bad thing?’

My voice was hoarse as I whispered, ‘no. It’s nice.’

‘Well then, why’re you crying?’

I shook my head, clinging to his shirt like a child. He rubbed my back and shoulders, letting me just sit there, holding onto him. The Morgan he’d found didn’t care if anyone saw us. This Morgan knew Ethan would protect him.

‘Morgan,’ he said again, ‘the bell’s ringing. Lessons.’

‘I don’t want to go inside.’

‘Okay. Can we get off school grounds then?’

I nodded, and stood. He gave me some tissues, and dabbed at his shirt with the remainder; he’d given me most of them.

It was my turn to follow Ethan this time. We’d stayed round back until I’d stopped crying, and then he’d led me out. It was only when we were out of school grounds that I grabbed for his hand. I’d wanted to hold it before, but the school Morgan had slid somewhat back into place, and he didn’t want anyone to see them together.

Ethan found us a place at a café and got us cokes. He sat across the table, still holding my hand over it.

‘Morgan,’ he said again, stroking the back of my trembling hand. ‘Is something going on?’

I shook my head. Maybe he wasn’t as dim as I’d thought him. He was going to continue his questions, so I butted in quickly.

‘What were you doing staring at me yesterday? Why’d you come over?’

He smiled shyly and looked down at my hand is his, ‘I thought that’d would have been obvious.’

I was struck between a blind panic of wanting to yell, ‘I’m not a faggot,’ and wanting to throw myself into his arms. He must have seen my inner struggle somehow, because he took his hand out of mine. He didn’t take it off the table; he just moved it away slightly.

‘Take your time,’ he said softly, still smiling.

I broke eye contact, moving my hand to lift the glass of coke to my lips. I tried to swallow too much, and ended up spluttering. Embarrassing really. He didn’t laugh.

Eventually, I pushed my hand back into his, ‘Ethan?’

‘Yeah?’

‘Can I have a kiss?’

He didn’t look surprised, but he didn’t look like he’d expected me to say it either. He just leant forwards over the table. Forgetting the people around us, I pressed my lips against his. They were soft and gentle. I was going to move back, but he opened his lips slightly, and I fell into his mouth. I knew how to kiss; I’d kissed Holly enough times. Nails dug a little into my hand as I moaned into him.

When he was finally able to escape, he was flustered, but smiling greatly. I smiled back. Properly. That made him smile even more.

‘You taste like spice,’ I said. To break the silence.

‘And all things nice?’

‘Totally.’

His teeth were a bright white. Perfectly shaped. I could make them out because he was smiling so big. I hoped I wasn’t smiling like that.

We didn’t go back to school. He walked me home like Holly did, except he was like an angel, and he talked to me constantly. He held my hand too. Holly would have kept her trap shut. I wouldn’t have wanted her to talk to me. Strangely enough, I wanted this untouchable to talk to me forever.

When we reached my house, I stopped being happy though. I shut down, drawing my hand out of his. I took one long look up at the building, and then started towards it.

‘Don’t I get a kiss?’ he called.

I turned, standing up on my tiptoes as he leant his head down to kiss me. It felt better than before, like he was drawing all the hatred out of me. We hugged, and then he left. I looked round just in time to see the curtain fall back into place from my parent’s room. Great. Just great.

I went inside. The TV was off. No sign of life in the living room. I stared up the stairs, waiting for the person who’d seen me to come down. Nothing.

I set about up the stairs. Whatever was going to happen would happen; it might as well be sooner rather than later. Nothing except for the creak of the stairs. It was dark in my parent’s room. I went into mine. Sadie was sat on the window ledge, asleep. Content even.

I flumped onto my bed and watched the open door like a hawk. I drew my legs up and just sat there watching. Nothing.

My stomach rumbled. I cussed at it. Sadie woke, stretched and leapt down onto the bed purring. Pretty. I fluffed up her fur the wrong way. She didn’t look very amused.

Nothing still happened.

Fine. Be like that. I shut the door and curled up on my bed, quiet and restless. I blinked at the abandoned books and old homework lying about on the floor. Footsteps outside. I tensed. They went downstairs. Nothing had happened. I wondered who’d seen me. My father was the less twisted of the two, I guess, but still. They’d both had their fair share of beating and molesting me over the years. A couple of times they’d both gone further than that though. My father didn’t do it on a regular basis though. He was usually too drunk, you see. Mother was on crack, but she was always attentive to her needs. They’d bred and raised me to be their slave.

I woke at night. I’d given in and just gone to sleep earlier. I groaned and rolled over. I was used to waking up; happened at least two times a night. Sadie was on the bottom of my bed making an odd growling sound in the back of her throat.

I began to sit up, but hands pushed my face back down into the pillow. Sadie jumped off the bed. The bed shifted as weight moved around above me. Now I was going to get it. I knew it couldn’t be too good to be true.

The hands moved, knowing that I wouldn’t struggle. They pulled me up onto my knees, and dragged my boxers down my legs. Father. Mother would have done more than this already. Plus, she liked it being light so she would make me watch. He usually came for me in the night if he was going to do something like this. I was used to it, it’d sad to admit, but true.

He pressed up against my rear, and I kicked out with my leg. I’d never quite liked the feeling of him there. Or anywhere else, actually. He cuffed me round the back of the head, dazing me slightly. I didn’t struggle again, only moving a little so that I wouldn’t suffocate against the pillow. Neither of us would have been pleased much at that outcome.

He pushed inside me, and I made a noise low in my throat. Not quite a cry; just an odd, helpless groan. I balled my fists into the pillow as he worked inside me. He was rough, but not nearly so much as mother. I just hoped I wouldn’t bleed onto my sheets again; I’d only just put on clean sheets two nights ago.

I felt the familiar release of him inside me, and relaxed slightly as I knew he’d be leaving. He didn’t stick around. Mother would have.

Once he was gone, I checked for blood. Just a little. I pulled my boxers back up and lay on my back, staring at the ceiling. Sadie pounced up onto the bed and looked at me suspiciously. When she figured out I wasn’t a threat, she curled up next to me again.

It was going to be one of those nights.

X

‘Are you sure you’re okay?’ he asked me for the millionth time that day.

I blinked at him, ‘yeah. I’m fine, Ethan.’

He frowned, hugging me back into his arms again. We’d skipped school totally today, just hanging out in the park and café from the day before. Our mates and the Educational Committee were going to be after asses…no pun intended.

‘Why were you so upset yesterday?’ he asked into my hair. His voice was soothing, comforting. I still wasn’t going to tell him though.

‘Nothing, Ethan. Like I said before.’

God he was persistent. Annoyingly so. Why couldn’t he just drop it?

He touched the bruise around my eye, and then kissed my scalp. I flinched away, pained; it was where father had cuffed me the night before. Ethan grabbed me, moving my hair aside to get a better look at the swelling.

‘Morgan,’ he said hoarsely, quietly. I pulled myself out of his arms and sat down the bench from him. If I told him, I’m sure he would have done something bad or made me go to the police or something. I didn’t want that. I wanted another kiss. I took it, and he let me, but when we’d done, he said, ‘you can’t just keep avoiding it.’

‘I can,’ I hissed.

‘Is it your parents? Are they hitting you?’

My surprised stare was enough for him. He groaned, ‘God, Morgan!’

His voice made me whimper. He toned it down, ‘sorry. Look, you’ve got to tell someone.’

I shook my head viciously. He only knew a fraction of the story.

‘At least come stay at my house tonight,’ he offered. I looked at him suspiciously, feeling very much like Sadie last night.

‘Really?’

‘Of course,’ he smiled. ‘It’d be lovely. My parents are really nice. They’ll love you.’

I smiled back despite myself. He was so cute. I let him draw me back in against his body. His hands traced my ribs. He hadn’t made any comment about my lack of eating, which surprised me. He did touch my ribs a lot though. Subliminal messaging. Neat. Stopped me getting madder at him.

‘I need to get my stuff though,’ I said. ‘Okay?’

He nodded, his cheek scratchy with stubble. It suited him, I think. At least he was able to get some.

We made our way back to my house slowly, more subdued than last time. I made him wait outside for me, promising him I’d only be five minutes.

I slunk inside, leaving him out by the gate. He looked nervous. I shut the door behind me and crept upstairs, managing to sidestep the creaky bits. I was getting better at this sneaking in lark.

I dodged into my bedroom and grabbed up a bag, shoving in some boxers and a fresh change of clothes for the next day. Sadie mewed loudly at me.

‘Shush,’ I hissed.

She mewed more.

‘Morgan,’ a soft, twisted voice said behind me. I swallowed and looked round at the bony woman. ‘Your father told me about your little boyfriend. Is that him outside?’

I nodded.

‘How could you do this on me? With a filthy gay, of all people. Didn’t you think about me?’

I waited for the blow, and it smashed my nose, sending me back onto the bed. I yelled, though I’d meant to keep silent so that Ethan wouldn’t hear.

She leant over me on the bed, taking my chin between her fingers, taking a good look at me. Her lips found mine, cracked and bitter. She tasted like cigarette butts.

I twisted my face out of her grasp, and she slapped me hard enough that my cheek burned red.

She kissed me more forceful now, harder, sickening me. She was pulling on my hair so hard that it came out in her fists. She ground herself down into my lap, and I yelped in pain and fear.

There was a soft intake of breath behind mother. She turned and saw Ethan standing in the doorway. Her eyes slitted, and she stood, letting me slide down onto the floor. Blood slid into my mouth from my nose.

She dived at Ethan, who grabbed her, throwing her backwards into the wall. Sadie was hissing. I reached under the mattress and yanked the knife out. She saw me and threw herself towards me, desperately grabbing for the blade. She’d sliced her hand and forearm up quite a bit accidentally before I managed to position it below her. I shoved it inwards. Blood leaked down my arm and onto my shirt. I screamed.

Ethan pulled her off me, taking the blade away, checking I was okay. He didn’t even pay attention to mother, who died in her own pool of blood on my bed. So much for keeping the sheets clean. Sadie ran out of the room, stricken. She’d never look at me the same way again.

‘Morgan!’ Ethan said loudly, and I only just realised he’d been saying my name.

I looked at his face, ‘what?’

‘Come on, we need to phone the police.’

‘No.’

‘Morgan, it wasn’t your fault.’

‘It was.’

‘Morgan, she’s been fucking around with you.’

‘You said it.’

I was in shock. I knew that much. I sat back on my bed and watched the blood soak in as he went to ring the police. He came back and held my bloody hands. The sirens sounded not that far away.

Harsh knocks on the door. He leant in and kissed me, drinking the fear from me, chasing away the hurt, like he had so many times in the last two days.

Footsteps on the stairs.

I looked into Morgan’s eyes and said softly, ‘what’ve I done?’

‘You’ve done nothing,’ he whispered, and then the police burst into the room.