Ugna Leafplacer paced the length of the Great Hall. Its walls were made of countless young limbs shaped and molded into curved walls, reaching towards the sky that peeked through the boughs of the towering trees above.1
Back and forth, in front of the raised platform he paced. Every footstep became a stomp, every breath rapid and hot.2
“Where is Forthroan Teals?” Ugna bellowed. His angry voice echoed through the branches of the tree city of Old Oak.3
People in plain dress cowarded on each side of the hall as they watched fearfully as Ugna paced.4
“I will not ask again. Where is Teals?” He searched the room. His leaf green eyes resting on a lone figure hiding. “You, come here.”5
The figure slowly slide out from the intricately craved chair. “Y-yes sir?” His stuttered, eyes as wide as saucers.6
“Can you tell me where Forthroan Teals has gone?” Ugna towered over the trembling man. His bark brown hair disheveled and lying against his brawny shoulders.7
Gulping air rapidly the cowering man replied, “no sir,” quickly ducking as the chair he had been hiding behind flew, crashing against the far wall.8
“Does no one know where my captain is?” His voice rising louder. “No one?” Anger rolled off him, like the mist of a cold lake at dawn. “Find him! Find him before we set out in two days! He must lead us to the talisman.”9
He turned and marched out of the hall, back straight and all in the hall breathed a sigh of relief.
Author notes
Edited 9/7
Edited 9/25
Edited 10/7
Edited 12/5
In a list
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 37 of 37
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Really good! A small question. "People in plain dress..." Is it supposed to be "People in plain dresses" or are you saying the people who wore plain clothes... I'm slightly confused on that little thing.
Sorry. I love the beginning, I'm off to read the rest of the chapters! You really got a story going! -
WOW. You suck cause I so want to read more now. And now there is no more to read. Well, except for the list. *giggles*
So going to spending alot of time on your page, aren't I?
I love your descriptions. They were dead on, made me realy see what you were trying to spill forth. Excited in a way that's near embarassing, love!
. Rewarded 6
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I you want to you can spend alot of time on my page
but you really don't have too. But I'll hold a loaded stick to you back and march you there 
Just joking.
I am glad that you liked this. I've never written a prologue before so this was new. And everyones been really helpful on it.
Now, Syren's Song is not finished and it may never be, but there are quite a few chapters and parts. I hope you like the rest
Brooke
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So let me see if I got this right--the dude with the green eyes is pissed, right? *sideways grin*
Well, you've done a good job here, Love, but pray tell where's the rest of it?
*waits patiently...*
. Rewarded 4
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Hahahahaha
Now tell me you can read, right? The list is at the bottom of the story 
Ugna is not mad
He's just showing his cuddley side.
Now off to read more you, nut!
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i like this. its a bit short, but being a prologue thats perfectly fine. I like the use of description and the use of language and grammar. the plot is smooth and flows nicely into thoughts of what will happen next, and what might have set off the man in the hall. THe names and scenery are intersting and sound imaginative and as though your creativity will only continue as you write more.
Minor revisions would make the techinicalities more proper, but other than that, its great.
XOXO~Dreamwriter. Rewarded 8
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Thanks for the praise. I hope you check out the rest.
I will see what I can do about the revisions.
Brooke
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I like it. It's short, but simple and to the point. And, as always, you have an excellent use of grammar and spelling. I've been meaning to read your Siren's Song series, but I get easily distracted. Anyway, so far I like it. Good job.
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I am getting so bad at returning comments. Sorry for the delay.
Thanks for the praise.
Brooke
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Good preparation for the story to come
Words paint powerful images.
Rugged, roaring, powerful leader
Preparing for an adventure
His second in command has gone missing; leader wants him found
Followers are terrified of his anger
Hint of a hidden treasure waiting to be found behind a waterfall
Good preparation for the story to come.
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Hey Lou,
Thanks for the comment and for the applause.
Brooke
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and molded into curved dome,----I think you need an "a" before curved.
eople in plain dress cowarded on each---cowered instead of cowarded?
intricately craved chair.---carved instead of craved
Gulping air rapidly the cowering man replied---comma after rapidly
Capitalize No in the dialogue just after the above sentence.
He turned and marched out of the hall, back straight and ----comma after straight
Ahh...the mystery! Very interesting piece that you added on to the end of this prologue. It really adds to it. Of course, you don't show us enough, but there's enough mystery here to keep me interested. Nicely done! -
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You got a couple that other had missed. Thanks for pointing those out. Will fix those. Thanks again for reading it twice or three times, I've lost count.
Thanks
Brooke
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This prologue is as it should be, something to catch my notice and hook me.
Liked it the first time—will enjoy reading more of the story.
This prologue is as it should be, something to catch my notice and hook me.
You have a amusing way of describing the action and your characters in this prologue, so I imagine the continuing plot will be very interesting.
Only found a few things you might look at.
Ugna Leafplacer paced the length of the Great Hall. Its walls were made of countless young limbs shaped (and molded into curved dome) missing a before curved
People in plain dress( cowarded) cowered on each side of the hall
The figure slowly (slide) slid out from the intricately craved chair.
It was more like a torrential rain pelting the (placed) placid surface,
A curtain of swift water fell,( it's ) its journey finished in the pool.,
like a firefly signaling (it's) its mate.
Pesky little its—grin
Geri -
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Hahahaha thanks for pointing those out. I'm awful with comma's and ('). Have fixed those and am off to try and write some more on this.
Brooke
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I enjoyed reading this, wonder if there as a part before, as I would like to read more.
Sarah.
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This was Good!
This was a good story. It didn't really "Catch my Attention" at first but as I started reading I wanted to know more. Wording of sentances was good, characters emotions were well played and described.
I suspect the story in itself to be very good.
There were some errors and a few awkward lines. The first is-
People in plain dress cowarded on each side of the hall as they watched fearfully as Ugna paced.
- I think you want to say "The people, who were plainly dressed, cowarded on each side of the hall as they watched fearfully watched as Ugna paced."
-That makes it seem not so awkward..or a differntial change even similiar to that would make it an easier read. I just had to go over it a couple of times before I understood it.
The Second-
The figure slowly slide out from the intricately craved chair. “Y-yes sir?” His stuttered, eyes as wide as saucers.
-"Slide" should be "Slid" "Craved" should be "Carved"
“Y-yes sir?” His stuttered, eyes as wide as saucers.
"His" should be "he" and I would put a "his Eyes as wide as saucers" that makes it more clear.
Other than those errors this Prologue was very good. I explained some without revealing too much. I don't really like the name "Ugna" because it's doesn't sound that pretty to me. Also, when you read the story..you're not sure if Ugna is a boy or girl?? That is confusing.
All in All, A pretty well written story. With some more editing and a little error correction this prologue could be very good.
Great Job and Nice work!
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Nice work here. Will have to admit it would be nice to know "why" the anger? Unga go in a rage when he doesn't get something right away, or was he feeling ignored?
Sure you will catch the "n(N)o sir" A typo.
This moved right along then took a very quick turn to a totally different tone. Very nice.
Jim -
Excellent read!
I enjoyed this chapter very much and I thought the chapter had a wonderful flow.
What I didn't understand was the problem. Why was Unga upset? You need to explained the problem just a little bit more. Also what does Unga look like too?
You have a wonderful storyline building too! Keep omn writing!
SPAG below:
It sounded like rain when it hit the clear water (below. But) not a gentle rain.
*below, but
You don't need the period.
Looking forward to the next chapter,
Lynn
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and molded into curved dome,
I think either you meant into "a" curved dome or into curved "domes"
That sentence is also a run on sentence breaking it up would make it flow better.
He searched the room. His leaf green eyes resting on a lone figure hiding.
could be combined.
something like
He searched the room, his leaf green eyes resting on a lone figure hiding (hiding where?)
The figure slowly slide out...
I think you meant "slid"
His stuttered, eyes as wide as saucers
forgot the word "his" before eyes and "his stuttered" should be "he" stuttered.
Gulping air rapidly the cowering man replied, “no sir.”
should have a comma after rapidly and "No" should be capitalized
He turned and marched out of the hall, back straight and all in the hall breathed a sigh of relief.
umm I'm confused ... I think if you meant the people in the hall you may want to reword this
He turned and marched out, his back straight. Everyone in the hall breathed a sigh of relief.
This also gets rid of the repetitiveness of "the hall"
"And" or "but" shouldn't start sentences unless they're in dialogue. Otherwise you should join them with previous ones or try rewording.
Behind the rapidly falling waterfall
again repetitive... "rushing" waterfall? perhaps?
This is probably the longest comment I have ever given someone. I'm not sure where this s tory is going but I am definitely keeping my eyes on this one. Please let me know when you've posted more (even if it's not in group) you have truly captured your reader. Especially one who normally doesn't even like this genre. Please keep writing. Most of your problems are wording but that's easily fixed. I still couldn't stop reading. Well done!
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I just noticed that I haven't fixed any of the mistakes others have pointed out. I had better get to doing that. Thank you for taking the time to type all these out. This is the first prologue I've written and I am stilling learning. This will help me out alot.
Here are the other links if you are interested.
http://storywrite.com/story/98005 Part 1
http://storywrite.com/story/98007 Part 2
http://storywrite.com/story/98013 Part 3
http://storywrite.com/story/98015 Part 4
http://storywrite.com/story/100339 Part 5
http://storywrite.com/story/104277 Part 6
http://storywrite.com/story/104283 Part 7
http://storywrite.com/story/110031 Part 8
http://storywrite.com/story/97997 Part 9
http://storywrite.com/story/97999 Part 10
Again thanks
Brooke
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Although both scenes are short, they grab a reader’s interest. Nice clear writing,
Talk about leaving one wondering, Brooke—and determined to find out more. Nice job.
I take it that ‘A flash of gilded metal,’ is a weapon or trophy that Ugna Leafplacer (great name) is about to set off hunting?
Although both scenes are short, they grab a reader’s interest. Nice clear writing, with only a few things you might take a look at.
Its walls were made of countless young limbs shaped and molded into curved dome, missing a before curved dome
People in plain dress (cowarded) cowered on each side
“Y-yes sir?” (His) he stuttered, eyes as wide as saucers.
Anger rolled off him, like the mist of a cold lake at dawn. ( Geri clapping) You come up with some terrific analogy.
He turned and marched out of the hall, back straight (and) all in the hall breathed a sigh of relief. Query? Wouldn’t while work better than and? back straight, while all in the hall breathed a sigh of relief.
A curtain of swift water fell,( it's) its journey finished in the pool.
, like a firefly signaling (it's) its mate.
Okay, you got me to keep reading--grin
Geri
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Interesting
Loved this story you have going here. Can't wait to read the rest!
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Thanks and I hope you can read more.
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Dear Brooke:
I finally got a chance to read your prologue. I only found some spelling mistakes and typos. I pasted them at the end just in case you'd like to see.
I do think you have to add the word tree to the second sentence because at forst I thought you were talking about arms and legs!
People in plain dress cowered on each side of the hall as they watched fearfully as Ugna paced.
The vein in his temple pulsed as he stared the young treeman down.
The figure slowly slid out from the intricately carved chair.
Ugna towered over the trembling man, his dark brown hair disheveled and lying against his brawny shoulders.
Gulping air rapidly the cowering man replied, “No sir.” (capital "n")
Otherwise, I think this is a fine prologue and I will go on to read the following parts soon.
Hoping all is well by you and your family,
Anaya -
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Anaya
Thanks for pointing those out. I can never thank ppl enough for that. I'm an awful speller and can go comma crazy alot
I'm thinking of adding on to this so it will let ppl know what they are after but so far it's been a block. Maybe I'll have to go a different direction.
Thanks again
Brooke
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This made me ask a lot of questions which is great for a prologue. These questions, such as who is Teals makes me want to read more. The only suggestions I can give are grammar but someone I know told me (and they are a published author) not to worry too much about grammar. Writers create their own style...or so she said. Well, anyways I'm sorry I can't be helpful but I can say that I liked this. Great job.
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Thanks for stopping by and reading this. This is my first prologue and I was very nervous about it. I'm thinking of adding on. Something more to do with what they are after, like eyeambaldman said earlier.
Ugh! I'm awful at spelling and my comma use is even worse
Thanks again
Brooke
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Man, I like this world you've created. Unfortunately, it's too short! For a prologue, I'd like to see more conflict. Who is this Ugna? Why is everyone afraid of him?
There are a couple other spelling mistakes I found that I don't think were mentioned below.
I just want to see more development!
I like this story overall and can't wait to read more.
Nicely done, Brooke!
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Hmmm...I am awful at commas and prologues. This is really the first attempt at writing a prologue. I didn't want to give to much away. Should I explain who Ugna is? BTW Ugna is the leader of the Treeman who are looking for the talisman. But should I go into that?
Thanks for reading and I'll look for those spelling mistakes.
Brooke -
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To me a Prologue should foreshadow events to come. I think it must have conflict or danger for it to be effective. An example of this would be the prologue for the novel "Eragon." If you haven't read it, the dragon egg is introduced here, but the reader isn't told what it is. We just know that it's being protected by the elves and sought after by the Shade. There is an action scene where the courier elf uses magic to make the egg disapper and the Shade captures her.
It's not until Ch. 1 that we discover the lead character of Eragon. He then discovers the egg (thinking it's a giant blue stone).
OK, another example would be (if I may toot my own horn) is the prologue for my novel "Children of Darkness and Light." Here, a baby is born to the single mother of a witch during the times of the Salem Witch TRials. The mother and the grandmother expected the child to be a girl. They had foreseen it. When the child was born, it was a boy and foolishly labeled as a demon. The child, killed the mother with a touch of its hand and blinded the grandmother with its thoughts.
Now, the child is the villain of the story. This is not evident (I hope) until the first Interlude called Evoking the Era of Darkness.
In the Prologue, I tried to show what the child was capable of, thus hopefully giving the reader some insight into the evil the lead character would be dealing with later in the story.
Does any of this rambling make sense? I've always found Prologues rather useful, but you must make the decision about what you are going to show. Pick something important (like the egg in Eragon or the villain in CoDaL) and show up clouded in mystery. Create a sense of danger. You don't even have to show the main character at this stage. It's just a foreshadowing for what's about to happen later.
So, I'm not sure if I answered your questions, but I'm hoping you can decide what to do from here. Good luck!
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Okay, first off, another great write. Loved the ideas here, and the descriptions were not overly done either.
Now, for the constructive criticism.
I believe, the story itself was too short. In the way that the ending seemed abrupt and there was not too much cliff-hanging to want me to go on. A little intensity and more reflection on the plot itself and a turning point would really help.
*His bark brown hair disheveled and lying against his brawny shoulders.*
I think you ought to rephrase this. something more like 'His dark brown hair was dishevelled and lay against his brawny shoulders."
*“Can you tell me where Forthroan Teals has gone?” Ugna towered over the trembling man.*
The man was so commanding, the sentence starting 'Can you tell me ..." is contrasting to his personality and ruthlessness.
~*~
Overall, you already know I'm a big fan ov yours, so again, a wonderful write.
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no just joking. Ok I see what you are saying. Hmmm...will have to again go back over. Thanks for reading.
~*Brooke*~
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The second sentence in the first paragraph, though well constructed, is a bit redundant. "It walls were made... into curved walls..." Just redundant.
The comma in the first sentence of the second paragraph is unneccessary and slightly confusing when read. Perhaps you should just reword the entire sentence there. It feels as though it's unfinished.
"His bark brown hair disheveled and lying against his brawny shoulders." This is a fragment. Perhaps you could connect it to the sentence before it with a comma or a semi colon. Whose hair are you talking about? Ugna's or the man he was frightening?
"Gulping air rapidly the cowering man replied, “no sir,” quickly ducking as the chair he had been hiding behind flew, crashing against the far wall." This sentence should be restructured as the punctuation in a situation such as this is tricky. The grammar is fine it's just the punctuation that has my hair standing on end.
"Rising" in the second to last paragraph should probably be "rose" or you could pick another word to describe it. Also, was it his tone that was becoming more stressed, or was it his tone and the volume, or just the volume. If he's angry, tone tends to change with volume. A description of how his face looks could be helpful as well. You know... the bulging eyes or the red splotched face. The last bit is not neccessary though, and completely up to you.
This was a great prologue. It makes me wonder, and having read a bit of the rest of the story, I believe this really fits. Great job.
You have a bit of a tendancy to be redundant in your sentences. Try substituting words that are synonimous with each other. It adds diversity.
I really enjoyed reading this! Good job, Brooke!
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Well I did write this rather fast and I am not a fast writer. I will go through and fix all the pesky problems. Thanks gor pointing them out and I'm glad it fits with the rest of the story. I was worried about that.
Brooke
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Brooooke!!! I'm glad i finally got to read one of yours again
(just the chapters to read up on!)
So short yet oh-so-drawing I love your Great Hall.. I don't know WHY but I thought of Elves or of mystical forrest creatures (maybe because they lived in the Great Oak? ) Haha!
This Ugna.. is he the leader or just someone who conquered this area? THe fact that he strikes fear in those men are... well, he MUST be someone powerful.. maybe even mean as for the captain, where HAS he gone? *can imagine him frolicking with some water nymphs or swimming about, doing un-captain stuff*
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This I just wrote. I've got a couple of chapters of this story out. My first chapter was too descriptive so I was asked to write something that would help grab the reader. I really hope this does. I think though I need to change a couple of things.
Ugna and Forthroan are Treemen. Just ppl with extra long fingers and toes, like treefrogs, to help them climb trees easier.
Brooke
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