Virgin Feast

Missing image

 1

I watch her as she sleeps in bed
Soon all her dreams will turn to dread
She softly breathes her mind at rest
Her soul and body are my quest2

I touch her now, her open eyes
She sees me and she's terrorized
She has no hope, she has no chance
As I have placed her in a trance3

She cannot scream, she will not shout
As now for her there's no way out
Her skin is soft, her body's fresh
And soon I will dine on her flesh4

Deep in her eyes I sense her fear
As the reason I've come is clear
I'll taste her meat, I'll take her soul
No longer does she have control5

She cannot move, she cannot run
Her torment though has just begun
Tears at her face, her nose is wet
Her heart pumps hard, it's not time yet6

I loom above, I sense her heat
Her warmth and youth are very sweet
I dig a claw along her gut
Her blood and guts show at the cut7

Agony is now on her face
And death will soon her life replace
Her belly I tear open now
And on her innards I do chow8

She's conscious as I eat of her
Warm living flesh I do prefer
But soon her life and soul do pass
I stay until I've had the last9

Delicious was this virgin feast
And now her soul will know no peace
I have devoured her body whole
And captured with it her dear soul10

 11

Author notes

I'm six lines over. I thought you like this one. Bounce me out of the contest if you like.

A contest entry

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Comments

1 - 44 of 44

  • kiwiluver
    November 28
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    Edit | Reply
    It flowed well and made me cringe. Thats a good sign I promise. Your a great writer good luck in the contest!
    -kiwi


    • Andy Stephenson Greeters member
      November 28
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      Edit | Reply

      Thanks

      Thanks for hosting this contest and for reading and commenting. I appreciate it.

      I wasn't sure what type of poem you might want, so I gave you one of my favorites. I like writing dark writes.

      I hope you have many good entries and much fun.

      Andy

  • trekkergirl gold member
    November 26
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    yeah I can honestly say this is a dark poem. Very scarey. The picture is scarey too. This is a well written poem. Thanks for sharing this with us and thanks for entering it into my contest.


    • Andy Stephenson Greeters member
      November 26
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      Edit | Reply

      Thank You

      I hope you enjoyed this little journey into the dark. I'm glad you felt it was well written.

      Thanks for hosting this contest and for reading and commenting. I appreciate it.

      May you have many good entries and much fun.

      Andy


  • Rain-IchLeibeDich
    November 23
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    Edit | Reply
    I will not bounce you out due to the flow of this poem. But there is only one part I don't like:
    'She cannot move, she cannot run
    Her torment has only begun'
    To me, it doesn't flow. If you added a 'just' after 'only' I think it would flow MUCH easier.
    'She cannot move, she cannot run
    Her torment has only just begun'
    If you don't agree, that's fine. It is just my opinion. Other than that, I LOVED IT!
    ♥Rain♥


    • Andy Stephenson Greeters member
      November 23
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      Edit | Reply

      I agree,

      The flow in that line wasn't quite right, but adding 'just' to it as it stood was creating too many syllables. I changed it to "Her torment though has just begun". I think it flows much better that way. Let me know what you think.

      Thanks for hosting this contest and for reading and commentng. I appreciate it. May you have many good entries and much fun.

      Andy


      • Rain-IchLeibeDich
        November 23
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        Edit | Reply

        YES!

        Yes! It is much better
        Sorry for criticizing! I just thought that the flow to that didn't feel right. I tried reading it out loud because my mind is kinda weird (Lol) but it still didn't feel right. But now it has a much better feel and I loved reading it!
        ♥Rain♥


  • Sgs silver member
    September 26

    Edit | Reply
    Wow this is really well written and a very intense subject. Not exactly most people's cup of tea, but good. Thanks for the contest entry!


    • Andy Stephenson Greeters member
      September 27
      Edit | Reply

      Thank You

      Thanks for hosting this contest and for reading, commenting, and all the applause. I felt that it would be good to enter something a bit different. I hope you like it.

      May you have many good entries and much fun.

      Andy


  • Bello.Midnight
    September 23

    Edit | Reply
    Intensly morbid...
    I had to bite my lip because while it was dark and malice in a lot of ways: it was to a feast of a poem in itself and it made me dwell on my own dark desires. good luck !!!!

    Blake ♣


    • Andy Stephenson Greeters member
      September 24
      Edit | Reply

      Thank You

      Thanks for reading, commenting, and applauding. I appreciate it.

      I feel that writing dark poetry and prose is a good outlet for pent up anger and frustration. I think reading it serves a similar purpose. I hope you like this poem.

      Andy


  • disturbed-dreamer
    September 19

    Edit | Reply
    It is hard writing dark poetry, so by writing this, you are amazing. =]

    There was only one part where I saw that you struggled a little (since the English language does not have that many rhyming words.) It was at "Her belly I tear open now
    And on her innards I do chow"

    Overall, the imagery and morbidity was great. I also loved where you put where words rhyme in each verse. It is a very well-written poem.


    • Andy Stephenson Greeters member
      September 19
      Edit | Reply

      Thank You

      Thanks for reading, commenting, and applauding. I appreciate it.

      I suppose the 'now' and 'chow' may have been reaching, but the poem as a whole seems pretty good. If something occurs to me that is different, I may change it.

      Thanks for stopping by. I'm glad you like this poem.

      Andy


  • BorntothePurple
    September 6

    Edit | Reply
    A dark and evil write. This was compelling tbough there were a few spots where the rhyme was a little shaky in that you had to invert sentendces to get it. But for the most part it was good. iliad was right that it was a bit choppy, but I don't really see what the problem with that is, its a poem not lyrics, and doesn't have to have an exact rhythm. Congratulations on the Silver trophy.


    • Andy Stephenson Greeters member
      September 6
      Edit | Reply

      Thank You!

      It's not a perfect poem, but it was written to be dark. I think it does pretty well there, although Delfishie has some that are much better.

      This poem has done well at AP and pretty well here at Storywrite. I write songs and sometiems a word in a song is stretched or cut short for the sake of the rhythm. It's much the same with poetry.

      I could probably develop a melody for this, but I'd want a chorus and perhaps a bridge. It would be a rather long song.

      Thanks for reading and commenting.

      A Chorus like this perhaps:

      Too late little girl
      Your time has come
      It's too late for you to run

      Sleep tight little girl
      Soon dreams will end
      And your terror will begin

      What do you think? Should I make it a song?

      Andy


  • iliad
    September 4

    Edit | Reply
    This is was good, but it could have been great. I like the darkness, and I like the fact that it was sort of uncomprimising; all these things were good, but I had a few issues.

    First of all, the rhyme was consistent, but the rhythm of the poem was jolty, and if it had been consistent, or as I liked to use because I am a musician, "singable" it could have made it so much better. You should look at lyrics when you write a poem like this one, and think that whenever the first verse foes da-da-da-da-dada-da, then the next verse should have an equal amount of consinents (think I spelled that wrong). The Raven from Poe, had just this sort of thing, with maybe or two lines that weren't perfect in rhythm but no more, so that you as you speak it, you more or less chant it, thus it's magic.

    I for the most part liked the end rhymes, but I thought "Chow" was completely out of place, and something better could have been chosen. The poem itself doesn't really have a coherant center, and in that way, it feels like you kind of rushed your way through it.

    Don't take this negatively, I am only trying to help you get better. Like I said, I liked it, but these issues kept me from loving it. Overall, I think this was a good piece, and a nice effort.

    -iliad-


    • Andy Stephenson Greeters member
      September 4
      Edit | Reply

      Thank You

      Thanks for reading and commenting. I appreciate it. You didn't like now and chow? The rhythm is not perfect, but it can be read so that it flows pretty well. I'm glad you like it, sorry you didn't love it.

      Andy


  • Ghost of a Siren
    May 30

    Edit | Reply

    Oooo scary

    Very creepy, I think this may be the first poem I've read of yours. The flow was flawless, and the descriptions extremely vivid in all their unsettling glory. lol. Great job as usual.


    • Andy Stephenson Greeters member
      May 30
      Edit | Reply

      Thanks Stephanie

      Thanks for reading this little poem. It was fun writing it. I'm very pleased that you like this poem. Thanks also for commenting and all the applause.

      Andy


  • Forsaken Unicorn
    April 27

    Edit | Reply
    Whoa....o.o Awsome but....disturbing. Still very good piece of writing. I really like that last verse.


    • Andy Stephenson Greeters member
      April 27
      Edit | Reply

      Thanks

      Thanks for reading and commenting. I appreciate it. I'm very pleased that you like this poem. It is supposed to be a horror poem, hope it doesn't disturb too much.

      Andy


  • MysticalRayne
    April 26

    Edit | Reply
    Beautiful write my friend ~ I love dark sometimes feeds the muse.. best of luck in the contest


    • Andy Stephenson Greeters member
      April 26
      Edit | Reply

      Thanks

      I'm glad you like this little this little trip into the dark and evil. I got silver in the contest. Thanks for all the applause.

      Andy


  • Friesian gold member
    April 26

    Edit | Reply

    Oh wow!!!!

    This was DEEP, Dark, and Satisfying! Oh, I loved it! It made me shudder and cringe, yet stare helplessly at the screen in anticipation! Excellent! Bravo! Keep writin!


    • Andy Stephenson Greeters member
      April 26
      Edit | Reply

      Thanks Friesian

      I'm very pleased that you like this poem. It is one of my darkest poems. Thanks for hosting this contest and for reading, commenting, and all the applause. I appreciate it. May you have many good entries and much fun.

      Andy


  • SnowFlakeWolf Greeters member
    April 25

    Edit | Reply
    O.O this should have been entered in my horror contest. ^^ Very good. ^^ Thanks for entering and good luck in the contest. ^^ Keep penning.
    Ruth


    • Andy Stephenson Greeters member
      April 25
      Edit | Reply

      Thanks again

      Thanks for hosting this contest and for reading, commenting, and all the applause. I appreciate it. I'm glad you like this poem so much. I hope you have many good entries and much fun.

      Andy


  • Delfishie
    September 10, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    Ooohh, you made it centered! I've never figured out how to do that.

    This poem totally reminded me of 1970s horror movies for some reason. Did you ever hear of a movie called (I think) The Strangest Story Ever Told. It isn't very good, but it has a catchy theme song. This poem reminded me of that song.

    Good job. Especially with the rhyme scheme, which actually worked most of the time (for some reason, in this contest, EVERYONE like rhyming poems. I wonder why....)


    • Andy Stephenson Greeters member
      September 10, 2007
      Edit | Reply

      Thanks Delfishie

      Thanks for hosting this contest and for reading and commenting. I appreciate it. The best I've done in one of your contests I believe is silver. I didn't place in this one Competition keeps getting tougher.

      Using rich text editing, to center you highlight what you wish to center. Then you click the center icon at the editing bar. That will do it for you. Then click anywhere on the page to get you cursor again and cancel the highlight. Don't press a key as that will erase everything highlighted. Surely you done some of that kind of editing.

      Andy


  • ChristineDaae
    September 1, 2007
    Edit | Reply

    OMG

    All I can say is wow. I haven't really seen anything that good for a while


    • Andy Stephenson Greeters member
      September 1, 2007
      Edit | Reply

      Thanks

      Thanks for reading and commenting. I hope that you like this poem. I really appreciate you stopping by. This is an entry for a horror poetry contest. If you like that sort of thing, check out the contest.

      Andy


  • Synthetic-Nightmare
    August 31, 2007

    Edit | Reply

    W00T

    STUNNINGLY DARK, TWISTED AND AMAZING! Wow, this would be an awesome experience! Kudos on this write and i wish you luck in the contest! YOU'RE TALENTED!


    • Andy Stephenson Greeters member
      September 1, 2007
      Edit | Reply

      Thanks

      Thanks for reading, commenting, and all the applause. I really appreciate it. Being eaten alive or eating someone alive would be an awesome experience? Glad you like this poem. Thanks for stopping by.

      Andy


      • Synthetic-Nightmare
        September 1, 2007
        Edit | Reply
        Bah.....NOT eating someone. That's not quite what i meant. lol. YOUR WELCOME!!!! HAVE A GREAT DAY


  • im.perfectly.flawed
    August 31, 2007

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    Wow this was good as, I loved how it rhymed, while mantaining the awesome descriptions at the same time. Bery gory, you should have a good chance at this

    Keep it up. This was a great thrilling read.

    ~Ebb.


    • Andy Stephenson Greeters member
      August 31, 2007
      Edit | Reply

      Thanks Ebb

      I am very pleased that you like this poem. It was a little gory Thanks for reading, commenting, and all the applause. I really appreciate it.

      Andy


  • Midnightmare
    August 31, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    this was amazing! brilliant description, excellent "storyline", if you will, and as always excellent flow and rhyming. loved it!!!!


    • Andy Stephenson Greeters member
      August 31, 2007
      Edit | Reply

      Thanks

      Thanks for reading, commenting, and all the applause. I really appreciate it. You like my demon that eats virgins? That's good, I'm glad you like this poem. Thanks very much for dropping by.

      Andy


  • Token Massacre silver member
    August 31, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    this flowed very well. Missing commas throw off the sound of it as you read. Otherwise it's very well done. Good luck in the contest. I enjoyed the piece.


    • Andy Stephenson Greeters member
      August 31, 2007
      Edit | Reply

      Thanks Christina

      Thanks for reading and commenting. I appreciate it. I'm glad you like the poem. I noticed that you have also entered this contest. I don't win Delfishie's contests, but I keep trying.

      Andy


      • Delfishie
        September 10, 2007
        Edit | Reply
        hah! It's a lie! I totally gave you a gold trophy for the write-about-yourself-as-you-want-yourself-to-be contest (I forget what I actually called it).

        *grins*

        Or...at least I think I did. Didn't I? Or am I completely confused?

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