It was the darkest of days. That was widely agreed upon by all who tasted the cold mist of the morning. But it was not just the dark clouds overhead, threatening rain, or even the chilled November winds that haunted every soul if they dared pass through it, no, this was a much deeper darkness indeed. This day would mark the end of a long and prosperous decade at the hands of the good King Cassian. Here was a king who all agreed was kind and noble. Never to low as to give a harsh word to anybody but never to high to give a few coins to a beggar as he passed. 1
But on this day precious few left their homes at all. The streets were silent and dead. The siege had happened quickly. More quickly than any of the people good have imagined. The kings own son, Prince Donatien had seized control of the throne and had his father arrested. Guards patrolled the streets prepared to deal with any man, woman or child who dared to protest. 2
Donatien had a reputation. His was as cruel and cold as his father was kind. Every now and again a rumor would surface about how he had a servant put to death for spilling his tea or taking too long with his breakfast. Handsome, vain, spoiled and cruel, and now, King. 3
Inside the walls of the castle Donatien descended down into the dungeons to “address” his father. He walked majestically down the cold stone stairs with a guard on either side of him. As he passed the cells the prisoners, all that he had arrested that very day, reached for his robes and begged for mercy at his hand. Donatien dodged these assaults and looked at them with pure disgust. ‘Peasants!’ he thought to himself, loathing every last one of their poor, pathetic forms. Finally he reached the cell of his father who he had dressed in the filthiest and most torn rags. None who saw this man would guess that only a few hours ago he had been sitting proudly on the throne. Now he was beaten and bloody with both of his legs broken. Donatien’s guards had really outdone themselves this time. He was quite pleased.4
“Father,” he smirked, his voice dripping with irony. The former king never bothered to look up at his son instead he spoke as he continued to look down at the floor.5
“So it’s done then. You’ve taken the throne and crowned yourself king. You have my congratulations.”6
“Spare me old man.” 7
“They’ll never stand for it. You must know that.” Cassian said, calmly.8
“They won’t have a choice. All of those who oppose me with be arrested and executed. Any resistance will fall.”9
“A man can be arrested. He can be killed. He can have his home, his family and everything he owns taken from him. A man is a weak thing indeed. I do not expect that any man will come as much of a threat to you. But a hundred men, a thousand men.....perhaps then. Yes, I can see it now. A thousand hungry, but brave men will stand against you and you will fall. You will fall.”10
“How noble father, how touching, how naive! A thousand men indeed! I am the king now! Their ruler!11
“A kingdom beneath your feet and a crown on your head does not make you a king! You will fall, someday you will fall. The people will pull the kingdom from underneath your feet and remove your head with the crown still on it! Ha ha!”12
Donatien ignored this and turned swiftly, his royal cape swirling behind him. He marched straight towards the stairs and without looking at either of them gave them a single order which would later be met with the deafening roar of a thousand men indeed.13
“Kill him”
Author notes
This is the first installment of what I expect to be a two part story. I don't intend to finish it, at least not in the traditional sense of completion. However if someone would like to continue it one their own they may feel free to.
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 7 of 7
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Great Skeleton
Other than from a few minor touch-ups, this story can/could and shall shine.
Corrected Possibilities:
• It was the darkest of days. That was widely agreed upon by all who tasted the cold mist of the morning. But it was not just the dark clouds overhead, threatening rain, or even the chilled November winds that haunted every soul if they dared pass through it, no, this was a much deeper darkness indeed. This day would mark the end of a long and prosperous decade at the hands of the good King Cassian. Here was a king who all agreed was kind and noble -- never too low as to give a harsh word to anybody but never to high to give a few coins to a beggar as he passed.
• But on this day precious few left their homes at all. The streets were silent and dead. The siege had happened quickly- more quickly than any of the people good have imagined. The kings own son, Prince Donatien had seized control of the throne and had his father arrested. Guards patrolled the streets prepared to deal with any man, woman or child who dared to protest.
• Donatien had a reputation. His was as cruel and cold as his father was kind. Every now and again a rumor would surface about how he had a servant put to death for spilling his tea or taking too long with his breakfast. How ironic that he’s handsome, vain, spoiled, cruel, and now, King.
• “So it’s done then. You’ve taken the throne and crowned yourself king therefore, you have my congratulations.”
• “A man can be arrested. He can be killed. He can have his home, his family and everything he owns taken from him. A man is a weak thing indeed. I do not expect that any man will come as much of a threat to you; but a hundred men, a thousand men.....perhaps then. Yes, I can see it now. A thousand hungry, but brave men will stand against you and you will fall. You will fall.”
• “How noble father- how touching, how naive! A thousand men indeed! I am the king now! Their ruler!
• “A kingdom beneath your feet and a crown on your head does not make you a king! You will fall, someday you will fall. The people will pull the kingdom from underneath your feet and remove your head with the crown still on it! Ha-ha!”
Also, keep in mind that if you are going to say a character's more than often, use 'replacement language' (she/he/they) -
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Thanks so much, I really appreciate it. This is still a first draft, so I haven't edited or revised it yet. I just added a second part today that you might enjoy as well.
Out of sheer curiosity, do you had any association with Jayjay16? This is the second critique that I've gotten in the past two days on what I would not consider to be an "new" story. It just seems a little strange to be coincidence is all.
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I liked it. Suprisingly well written with good grammar. Especially liked the line 'Never to low as to give a harsh word to anybody but never to high to give a few coins to a beggar as he passed.'
Noticed what I assume is a mistake here: “A kingdom beneath your feet and a crown on your head does not make you a king!” You will fall, someday you will fall.
There shouoldn't be a " after king!
You should definately write and uplink the next part, you now have everyone hooked and would get a lot of people coming back to read it. Although mystery is admirable, people only like it for a while, then they want the answers
Keep writing, it seems you have talent.
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Thank you very much, though I hope that you are not too surprised by it being well written with good grammar!
As for the mistake, thank you for pointing it out, I've fixed it now.
I actually started writing the next part and I guess I should finish and upload it, thank you.
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Why not finish it?
You have a good captivating start. You chose your words well for this story. I think you have a good plot. Keep going.
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This was so good! I really wish you would complete it because I would love to see more of it. Oh well. I thought it was super good. I can't wait to see more of your work. Bravo.
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This piece is very well described and quite interesting.
"His was as cruel and cold as his father was kind."- it should be he. I think that is a typing mistake.
I will read it if you continue with it.Good job!
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