The throne room was full, and noontime light streamed in through the large windows. The King of Calador sat upon his throne, decorated elegantly with gold and gems, and on both sides of him sat five people each that made up the Lanov, the King’s council. Other than that, men and women alike of great importance gathered around the outer walls of the throne room, clogging it like children at a fair, garbed in robes of rich colors, and tunics and dresses of draped with capes embedded with family crests, showing off their lineage.
In the center of the room, that which everyone had gathered for, stood three people. They were the most peculiar in the room by far, wearing some of the strangest clothing. One young man, late teens, sported a rough beard and medium length dark brown hair, and he wore nothing more than brown traveling clothes that were so ragged and torn that he could have easily been mistaken for a beggar. The man to his right seemed to be in his mid twenties and had piercing yellow eyes and brilliant white and golden hair, spiked up in a most unfashionable manner for Caldor. His clothes, while very elegant, would have been considered unworthy at a royal party, for his wardrobe consisted of a bright golden tunic, white undershirt, and dark brown leather chaps. Finally, the young lady to the first man’s right was the epitome of perfection. Her long, wavy brown hair fell from her head onto her shoulders and shone in the light. Her face was nicely tanned, and even more so accentuated by the white dress she wore.
The first man, the beggar, approached the king. One of the members of the Lanov, a woman, stood up. “We are to understand you have come to present a gift to the king?” Her voice was rude and cynical, filled with undefined anger for no apparent reason. She was just simply one of those rude people.
He nodded, calmly. “I have.” His deep brown eyes showed no fear at this woman’s intimidation, nor did he fidget once. Why she attacked him so was strange, for not only did he have to power to snap her neck he could have also gotten away with it. But things like this would never cross his mind. He was a pacifist, and she was troubled as the past hurts were reflected in her eyes.
The king stood, commanding silence all around him and forcing the councilwoman to sit. “What have you come to present me with, Prince Gan?”
“Don’t call me that. You are not my father, so therefore I am no prince of any nation.”
The king nodded. “Very well, Gan. What do you have for me today?” Even as a king, he could not come to command the actions of this young man. He had his respect; he knew that, because Gan was not above or below anyone. All were equal to him.
Gan turned to the golden haired man to his right, extending a hand. He nodded, and procured from his tunic a small orb, no larger than an orange. It was made of glass, and appeared to have a swirling opaque white mist inside it. Runes had been inscribed around the equator of the orb, and two more runes at both its poles.
The orb was transferred from the golden haired man to Gan, where he raised it high in front of him. “I present to King Baierl and the Lanov an Orb of Summoning. It has been specifically designed for one purpose and one purpose only, that being to summon me. Fused with the powers granted to me by my ancestor the Prince, it will call upon my being and take me to it, no matter where I am.”
King Baierl raised an eyebrow. “Anywhere?”
Gan nodded. “Yes, anywhere.”
The king nodded in approval. “Thank you very much, Gan. With you being abroad so much lately, it is sometimes hard to contact you in times of need.”
“I know, sir. That is why with the help of some friends,” Gan said gesturing to the two on either side of him. “I have managed to create the Orb of Summoning.” He walked forward, approaching the king and placed the orb in his hand, but keeping a firm grip on it. “But before I leave, I have but one rule about it.” He could see the woman in the council seat roll her eyes, and King Baierl gave a nod of concern. “This is to only be used in case of emergency. Only! If I’m in the wrong place at the wrong time and you decide to use it just because, then it will be hard for me to ever go back to being abroad.”
Another nod. “I know, Gan. I just hope we won’t have to use it.” Gan finally released the orb, relinquishing its ownership to Baierl. Walking back to his friends, they huddle together before disappearing in a mix of black and green smoke.
-- Chapter One --
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 17 of 17
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It sounds like an interesting read, but some of the narration is choppy and doesn't seem to flow very well. But that's a common problem in a lot of stories. Your grammar and spelling were very good and the story as a whole kept my attention. When I have more time, and less distractions, I'll read the other chatper(s).
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The King of Calador sat upon his throne, decorated elegantly with gold and gems, and on both sides of him sat five people each that made up the Lanov, the King’s council.
is a run on sentence... placing a fullstop after "gems" eliminating the "and" and putting a comma after people would take care of that.
watch using unnecessary words...
in the following sentence "alike" isn't necessary, and again you have a run on sentence which is taken care of with a bit of rewording.
watch putting too many ideas within 1 paragraph, this makes the story feel more rushed and doesn't grab the reader as much.
You have a good start and a good idea here, not entirely sure the guy would talk back to a king but ... ok. Otherwise I enjoyed the read, keep up the good work.
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Interesting but a lot of description for a prologue. In depth description of Gan and who he is, why he has so much power; now that is what I want to know at the start.
"and tunics and dresses of draped with" This is a very confusing sentence. If you reread it I believe you will be able to clear up the problem.
"In --- which everyone had gather for" ??? They gathered for the room?
What is "the Lanov" and is this woman a bit player to be mentioned then thrown aside? If not, just who is she?
Still this is an intriquing idea. Just why would the king want to call Gan back from someplace? At least you have me wondering.
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Yeah, I know there's a lot wrong with it. It was kinda written quick (and also written after the novel was finished). Thanks for pointing them out, and I will definitely fix them when I find time.
And yeah, that woman is just a character for the prologue. She has no real purpose.
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for not only did he have to power to snap her neck, --->Replace the 1st "to" with "the"
because Gan was above or below anyone.---this passage is a bit confusing...perhaps change anyone to no one?
Ok, I agree with Yoshi, there is something lacking here. To me, a good Prologue grabs you from the start. The Prologue to Eragon is an action sequence that also foreshadows greater danger later as well as introduces the egg Saphira hatches from. Here, nothing really grabs us until the end when Gan presents his warning about the orb. Who is this Gan? Why does he need to create the orb? How is he connected to his realm? Now, these are questions you may want to leave unanswered for now, but you've gotta throw us a bone here!
I prefer Prologues with hooks...meaning shrouded in mystery but packed with enough nail-biting sequences that you want to read on to see how the author reveals his/her secrets. I'm not sure this Prologue does that. It sort of feels like a chapter to me.
Here's something from my own experience. I've written a novel called "Children of Darkness and Light." In the Prologue, I introduce the villain, as a baby being born. In the prologue, I show what the newborn is capable of, giving the reader some insight into what this monster's role is in this story. Hopefully, the reader will continue on to discover who/what this monster is and how he fits into the story.
I hope this rambling makes sense! LOL
Now, I am curious to see what the purpose of the orb will be later. I'd just like to have a bit of insight into Gan or make this a separate chapter and write another prologue!
Yoshi makes excellent points below, and hopefully this rambling review will only enhance what he has already said. Good luck with this and get Saej into editing mode so we can read on! -
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Okay you! Editing mode... meh.
These are great suggestions, and I don't even have to read Yoshi's to know he has great suggestions, but I did. I will edit all of this as soon as I get my hands on it! lol.
As of now, I am not the one that is delaying the progress of the editing. lol. He's working hard, and barely has time to do with as he pleases, so it may be a little longer. Be patient!
Great works of art can not be, and will not be, rushed! lol
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Intriguing start, though I would question if this should be a prologue.
One of the jobs of a prologue is t foreshadow a coming issue that the reader should be concerned about. Reading what you have written, I have no reason to believe that such a danger exists, so I question if the orb will ever be needed - though I assume such, as it must exist for a reason.
I have a few suggestions, which I have pointed out below, then I will speak of further ideas I would like to suggest for tis story:
[The King of Calador sat in the throne, decorated elegantly with gold and gems, and on both sides of him sat five people each that made up the Lanov, the king’s council.] --> The King of Calador sat upon his throne, decorated elegantly with gold and gems, and on both sides of him sat five people each, that made up the Lanov, the King’s council.
[In the center of the room, that which everyone had gathered for, stood three people.] --> 'that which' is an awkward construction, might want to rewrite this sentence
[She was just simply one of those rude people.] --> I would omit this line
[Why she attacked him so was strange, for not only did he have to power to snap her neck, but he could have also gotten away with it.] -> Why she attacked him so was strange, for not only did he have to power to snap her neck he could have also gotten away with it.
[He had his respect; he knew that, because Gan was above or below anyone.] --> He had his respect; he knew that, because Gan was not above or below anyone.
[It was made of glass, and appeared to have a swirling opaque white mist inside it.] --> It was made of glass, and appeared to have a swirling opaque white mist inside.
Now, all that aside, I think you are standing in front of us with a canvas filled with flowers. Unbeknownst to us, there is a deeper and more interesting painting hidden beneath.
I know this, as that's why you chose to write this as a prologue. You say to yourself - just enough to tease, and not a shred more ...
Well, you need to tease a bit more. A prologue MUST create concern, or it might turn the reader away.
Now, you might say to yourself. Yoshi, I already teased them with the orb. What else could you want?
Plenty, and I am certain it is within you to deliver. However, what I ask of you is nothing that you could not deliver, and not a bit too intrusive, once you see where I am headed with this.
We, the readers, demand to know this King and his people are in troiuble. Now, you need not hit us in the head with it, but you need to let us know - and preferably, before the orb is unvieled.
When the King is handed the orb, we need to know he will definitely be using it, and perhaps, rather soon.
Give us more in the prologue. Let usknow what it is that we need fear, and a hint at how the orb might help make things right.
Do that, my friend (and I do consider you my friend) and you will have yourself a prologue that will sell readers to the first page and beyond.
beginning: 2, language: 4, plot: 3, ending: 3, dialog: 3, characters: 4.
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Wow. Thanks. That was an amazing comment. I definitely will change most of that.
This prologue was written because too many people thought my older prologue shouldn't have been a prologue as well.
As for the end critique, the King and his people aren't really in any danger. If you read ahead to chapters 1 and 2, and still feel the need it needs more (which I agree it does, just not to the extent you described) then I will work at it.
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Nice story.
I may have changed and to as in the first line.
While the king and his council could have used more description, I can see why you saved the details for the three, as they seem to be who the main story will revolve around.
I like how the 'beggar' is actually the descendant of a prince, though he plays the relationship down. I also like the concept of the orb and how they disappear in puff of smoke in the end.
It leaves me wondering just what kind of powers they possess and where the story will go from here.
Good job,
Greg
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Man, what do you do to get so many comments so quickly? The most I've ever gotten was 8, and several of those were my own.
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Nice story... I liked the description, particularly in the first and second paragraphs...
beginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 5, characters: 5.
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I think it entirely unfair that you put this up when I've already commented on it! You ruin my record. Yours shall be the only one without my name beside it. meh...
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Ya know, commenting isn't a contest...lol. Except of course when the prize is a gold membership. Then it's war!
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The throne room was full, and noontime light streamed in through the large windows.
**TO me, this is a weak first sentence. Maybe make it two sentences
Men and women of great importance...
**maybe try to show this with their attire or maner
She was just simply one of those rude people
**You said that in the sentence before
instead of describing the orb as glass afterwards, just say glass orb
hmm... it was interesting. I think you should some how put more tension with the emotion in that he might have to be called back and the giving of the orb...
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NOW you put in a prolog! Don't get me wrong, I'm loving it all the way! But this would have been more helpful earlier...like when I was completely lost about the whole orb thing. Anywho, this is wonderful! I love the added info! Keep up the good work!
~A♥E~
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GuitarShank has a point. It does provide the much needed questions. Don't worry about th grammar and what not, that's my job. Yours is to provide the excellent ideas and finishing touches!
Good job, buddy. I really think this is much better. Do you?
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Great! Now that really draws a reader in! The mystery that it adds and the idea of "What's going to happen?" really adds a lot to this story.
There are some grammatical errors here and there, but it's late now and I'm tired, so I'll point them out later.
Thanks for writing this, it really is a big improvement to the story.
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