Johnny ran, happy to be out of the house. His mother, Nancy, was driving him crazy. She kept bombarding him with plans for college. Nancy was habitually early for everything; Johnny wasn’t even in high school yet. Throwing him handbooks and letters from the college deans that Nancy had contacted, even at 14 Johnny knew every college wanted their chance to snag him. Johnny had been exceptionally bright for his age for as long as he could remember, every teacher he had wanted him to skip ahead to the next grade. He refused stating that all the kids that skipped grades were thought of as freaks, and he just wanted to be normal.
Running kept Johnny sane; nearly everyday he would grab his compass and rush out into the nearby woods. He loved the feel of the wind blowing past his face, the smell of the dense pine trees all around, and the birds singing their beautiful songs as they flew over his head. When Johnny ran he couldn’t remember the last fights with his mom, his total lack of companionship, or even that his dad hadn’t called him in months. He was free and more content in these woods than he was anywhere else.
Johnny’s legs began to weaken and he broke into a slow jog, pulling out his compass to make sure he hadn’t veered off course. Johnny noticed something lying on the leafy ground just to the right of where he stood. He walked over and kicked it trying to get it loose from the hard ground. It was early spring and the ground hadn’t completely thawed from the harsh winter that still seemed to linger in the trees. He recognized the trashed bag from the supermarket just down the road, it was a dull brown plastic emblazoned with red block letters reading Stop and Go Superstore, a place Johnny had been many times in his life.
As Johnny kicked the bag an object that had been lodged in the ground came free bringing the bag with it. He stooped down to pick up the article glinting on the solid earth. Johnny gasped as he realized that there on the ground of the woods he loved as if they were his home, lay a knife. Cold hard steel shone up at him darkened by the dirt and some unknown deeply colored substance caking its surface. An impulse in the back of Johnny’s mind urged him to pick it up while reasoning told him to leave it as he had found it. Johnny couldn’t resist the urge to examine it, however. A burning sensation flowed freely through Johnny’s body the instant his hand wrapped around the plastic coated handle, something like a mix of fear and anticipation as he heard slow calculated foot steps approaching from both sides.
Their calm breathing sent tingles up and down Johnny’s spine causing his skin to become pale. The footsteps came to a stop a few feet from Johnny as a deep masculine voice could be heard on the left side of him. The officer told Johnny to put the weapon down and no one would get hurt. He panicked throwing the knife off the path in front of him. As the man approached, Johnny’s mind was whirring with plans of escape. A split second decision and Johnny was running again. This time his journey had him moving quickly down a steep embankment off the path. Johnny danced between trees attempting to block out the shouts from behind him of stop before we shoot.
Johnny’s life was flashing before his eyes. He could feel that everything was only going to get worse from here. Finding a possibly bloody knife in the woods, to getting chased by men threatening to kill him, Johnny’s world was spiraling quickly out of control. He was completely lost in thought not seeing where was going or how he would get out. Johnny could still hear the shouts and footsteps of the men chasing him. Although, they disappeared the moment Johnny’s head hit the ground. Too exhausted to get up the last thing he remembers, before fading into a dreamless sleep, is looking down to see the biscuit sized rock that had caused him to topple over.
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 10 of 10
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It certainly grabs your attention, and doesn't let go easily. A bit overdone - and a bit vague in the description of those chasing him. And there seems no reason for him to run. And a "biscuit sized rock"? What size is a biscuit?
beginning: 4, language: 3, plot: 3, ending: 3, dialog: 4, characters: 2.
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You're telling more than showing and overwriting. But I still like the story. For instance "Johnny couldn't resist the urge to examine it, however..." What's wrong with "Curious, Johnny picked up the knife?" In such a dimunitive work, it's cumbersome to use a paragraph to get across a point rather than a sentence. But the beginning was great. Johnny's relationship with his mother reveals more about him than two pages of you telling.
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He refused stating that all the kids ( comma after refused) ... He walked over and kicked it trying to get (comma after kicked it) ... As Johnny kicked the bag an object that had been lodged in the ground came free bringing the bag with it. (commas) ... something like a mix of fear and anticipation as he heard slow calculated foot steps approaching from both sides.
Their calm breathing sent tingles up and down Johnny’s spine causing his skin to become pale. The footsteps came to a stop a few feet from (You can't start with "their" because the reader doesn't know who, what, or how many of either are approaching. you have to say "Johnny heard two people," or "saw two shadows," or "saw two police offices approaching," b/c in your next paragraph you say "the officer" without saying that there WAS an officer. Got it?) ... He panicked throwing the knife off the (comma after panicked) ... shouts from behind him of stop before we shoot. (Should be "Stop before we shoot!" esp. the exclamation point, unless these are lazy officers.) ... Although, they disappeared the moment Johnny’s (this place doesn't need a comma, lol ^_^ and sounds funny with "him. Although" make the period a comma, or take although out completely.) ... Too exhausted to get up the last thing he remembers, before fading into a dreamless sleep, is looking down to see the biscuit sized rock that had caused him to topple over.( comma after up, and this whole sentence should be in past tense, not present, although it is a common mistake. Your whole story is in the past tense though, so don't change at the last bit.) GOOD JOB! very nice! keep it up. -
Your grammar is pretty fantastic, although I did notice some problems. Before I get to them, let me say that I really like it, and it's interesting: from the get go I thought it'd could be a good book opener, but having two big plot points on the same page is a little juvenile and confusing; having Johnny be like a kid genius, find a knife, AND be chased by a gun-welding police force is a little too much at first, but okay for a short story. Ummm, ok, I'll put the grammar issues in my next comment ^_^. Dont' take offense- if I didnt' like your story, I wouldn't even bother. Good work!
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Interesting beginning, fast paced. However you are mainly telling the reader things instead of sharing them with him. You are telling the reader in the first paragraph straight out who Johnny is, without showing or implying through his actions or words. IT would be much more effective had you, for instance, shown his mother talking to him about college before he left. But nice job
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I think this is a good start. There are a few little points to be ironed out, but they have been mentioned below, so I shan't point them out again.
I think the fast paced action is a great way to hook the reader, and combined with an element of mystery with the knife, is a failsafe way to make sure we will all be back for more!
Brilliant start, I hope you continue the piece.
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I think you should, it was interesting
I like the feel of the story.
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i like the plot, and yes i defiantly think that you should carry on!
i personally think that you mention "Johnny"'s name too much, after mentioning his name in one sentience it doesn't need to be mentioned in the next couple unless another character is introduced. As Johnny is the main character, and the main focus at the moment we can assume thats what happening is around him.
but keep it up! well done! -
Needs Smoothness
The opening paragraph is rough and choppy, with too many “telling” and “Nancy” and should be combined in an active voice showing the reader. You’ve misused the semi-colon. Use a comma or restructure sentence. To use a semi-colon correctly, both sentences must be able to stand alone independently separate, but have a connection to meaning. You have incomplete sentences that needs restructuring, too. And missing commas.
Example:
Johnny ran out of the house, happy to get away from his mother, Nancy. She was driving him crazy, bombarding him with plans for college. She was an early, habitual planner, and he wasn’t even out of high school yet. She’d contacted colleges and gathered brochures and handbooks, forcing them on him to read and decide. He was fourteen, and wasn’t ready to worry about college, and every college wanted to snag him up anyway. He was exceptionally bright for his age, and for as long as he could remember, teachers wanted him to skip ahead a grade. He wouldn’t because all the kids that did were thought of as a freak, and he wanted to be normal.
I can help you with it, if you want. You can email me or contact me with a message.beginning: 2, language: 1, plot: 2, ending: 2, characters: 3.
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You have my vote.
Should you continue? You have my vote. Sounds like a promising plot you have here.
You don’t give a physical description of Johnny. Unless he’s a good size fourteen year old, it’s unlikely the officers would threaten to shoot. So if this is important to the story, I would find a way to let the reader know what the boy looks like early on. You don’t want to lose credibility before the action begins.
Finding the bloody knife, and running from the police are good hooks to spark the curiosity and build up a desire to learn more in the reader.
If you are looking for commitments for future critiques? I would be glad to work with you. I didn’t really crit this, there are a few rough spots—but it’s so short it may be only a taste (grin). Let me know if you want line by line critting.
Geri
beginning: 3, plot: 5, ending: 3, dialog: 2, characters: 3.
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