I am a cat that walks through walls.
I have perfect freedom in the world of humans. Anything that is bound or barred by a wall, of brick, steel, or wood, I can enter. And humans are so dependent on walls, longing to be encased in a tomb of confinement, that I come and go as I please from building after building. Most of the time I am not noticed; humans are more self-obsessed than they know.
My two favourite buildings are almost identical, lying opposite each other on a quiet road some way from the city centre. They used to be part of a generic, comfortable, suburbia; but times have changed and both were converted to flats some time ago – three flats to each house, two four-rooms and a one-room attic space.
Let me show you.
The first building, the first room. A tiny bedroom, painted black and with the detritus of an imperfect life scattered across it. Lying on the bed a teenaged girl, red threads stretching from her wrist across the bed to drip on the floor, staining it dark red. So she’s finally surrendered to inevitability…
Across the room, under the bed, through the wall. I emerge in a large living space, kitchenette in one corner, table, sofa, armchair, TV, a PlayStation lying in a hoard of wires underneath it. On the armchair a small boy – his tenth birthday is in a week or so – sits, rocking back and forth with a cushion pressed beneath his tearstained face. He is watching a fuzzy copy of The Lion King, always a bad sign.
From the next room there is shouting. I recognise the voices; the parents of the above-mentioned, going at it hammer and tongs. Again.
The last room is empty.
In the second flat I stroll casually through three empty rooms and into a bedroom. Grasping onto the headboard is a woman, naked, tears shining on her face. At her other end a man grunts and moans.
In disgust I carry on.
The last flat, the attic one, is generally my favourite. The student occupying it is lonely and introverted, welcoming my company and coddling me. But this time I hear, through the door, sobbing; when I walk through the wall to its side I see him sitting on a chair, head in his heads, weeping. Lying on the floor is a piece of paper, official-looking text covering it.
I cannot read; presumably I’ll never know what my favourite human’s grievances are.
The second building is similar, and yet immeasurably dissimilar; while the layout and design is the same, the people are indescribably different.
In the first flat all but one of the rooms are empty. This one room is full of people, a boy, a girl, two parents, engrossed in an episode of…I think it’s Doctor Who. I shall join them in a minute.
I scamper up a flight of stairs and poke my head into the next flat. Once again almost all the rooms are empty; the full room has a man and a woman, ostentatiously watching a film, but more interested in each other.
Let’s leave them to it.
The last flat, the attic one, is – like its counterpart – inhabited by a male student; but unlike the first one, this particular male student is active and loud, wandering around the room talking to a friend on his mobile phone, schoolbooks forgotten on the floor.
…
Which house do you prefer? The house of darkness and dismay, or the Utopian world of warmth and light?
Speaking in my capacity as a figment of my creator’s imagination, I choose the dark house. There are more questions in despair.
Author notes
For "The Writer's Challenge" judges: I don't usually enter a story for more than one contest, but I consider this one of my best stand-alone works. ^^ I'm not sure if it's THE best, but certainly one of...if I win, I solemnly vow to be in for the long haul. I'm not one to just walk away from a challenge.
For "August's New Members Contest" judges: If this counts as non-G rated, disqualify away. It was fun to write and I wouldn't have written it without the contest, so I don't really care if I win or not.
Stupid stupid title. Couldn't think of a decent one.
A contest entry
- August 's New Members Contest by SW Greeters.
350 points, ended September 6, 2007, 10 entries
Bronze trophy winner
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - The Writer's Challenge: Round X by Asfand.
175 points, ended October 19, 2007, 21 entries
Honorable winner
• next story in this contest, remove from contest
Criticism = Good
Comments
1 - 10 of 10
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That was definitely interesting. I agree with Asfand when he says it's one of the most imaginative pieces I've seen here in a while.
Score!
Theme 9/10 - Great job with this. I really enjoyed it and was pulled in from almost the beginning.
Originality 14/15 - This was amazingly original. I've only seen a few that take this sort of view, but what you've done with it... breath taking.
Flow 23/25 - The flow was amazing. It was easy to read, and I my thoughts weren't interupted when you switched over on focus.
Feeling 19/20 - I have to say this piece was wonderfully devoid of emotion. The narrator was indifferent to everything going on around him/her, and it showed. But the emotions of those around the cat were vivid. Nice balance there.
Structure 24/30 - This was one of the most structurally complete stories that I've judged, so far. However, it wasn't perfect and can always use re-arranging and polishing.
Total 89/100
Great job, and good luck in the contest. -
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Thanks a lot. =) I wasn't aiming for detached-cat, but it seems to have...appeared. Guess it fits, which is good. ^^
Can you give me more specific feedback on the structure? I've done everything I can with it...can't improve without help. Which is why I'm here. =/
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Wow ~
One of the most imaginative pieces I have seen here in a while ~
This was definitely a stunning write ~
The language was a little sophisticated at times, some of the 'expensive' words were not well-put in some lines ~
Some tiny comma errors ~
The idea is fantastic, so creative, so beautiful and the ending left me in awe ~
Sighs, good job on making me jealous ~ Howcome I never thought about that ~
Wonderfully crafted piece ~ The ending was a killer that really did kill me ~
Congratulations on being the first one where at least I did not have to give long lists of grammatical errors ~
It is clear you worked hard on this piece, as it does really seem well-thoughout.
Spectacular entry ~
Good luck and thanks for entering. I am quite sure we will be having you in the future, as we need consistent people ~
And if this isn't consistent - neither are me eating habits ~ go figure!
Theme ~ 9.5/10
Originality ~ 14.0/15
Flow ~ 23.6/25
Feeling ~ 18.7/20
Structure ~ 28.9/30
Total 94.7/100
Highest score yet ~ thought my co-judges may rate absolutely differently ~ it all depends on taste and knowing quality work ...
From me, you ought to be strong contestant ~
Bless!
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Thanks SO MUCH. Like...a million times thanks. OK, that sounds rubbish in English, mille grazie. There you go, some Italian.
Point out the commas and words that you felt sounded wrong; there's a good chance I'll change them. =) I'm never satisfied with my own work, and love people telling me how to change.
I'd be ticked off if there were grammatical errors. >.< I'm a grammar stickler, so much so that I installed a spell checker on my browser...
This is one of the stronger things I've written because it had time to develop. I came up with the idea in Italy, when I was without a word processor, and wrote it about a week later in England.
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That was really good =]
Like, it was super dark, but protrayed in a shallow way, as if the cat is very offhand and not really caring about what's really going on.
Loved it
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Good - because that's the way it's meant to be. =) The cat doesn't care, the cat just observes and reports.
Thanks for the applause/comments/compliments, it's a real confidence-booster. =D
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I think you have good really well describing the people and the objects in the flats. Like Andy, it seems rather like a cat, going about looking at things which are going on. To me, this cat seems invisible or magic. Well done!
~Vanessa Hudgens~ -
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...Hmm. Magic, yes, invisible? I don't know. o.0 What do I know about what I write?
Thanks very much. =)
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Good Story!
This seems rather like a cat, going about looking at things which are going on. Insatiable curiosity cats have at times. Also the cat is an observer, not deeply involved. I was wondering if anyone would take the prompt of a cat walking through walls. You have done well here. Good writing.
Andy
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I guess it was just luck that got me on the curiosity-looking shbang; I don't actually know cats all that well. ^^"
Thanks for compliments and applause. =) Was fun to write.
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