The Tale of Tabuki and Masumo

China 14021


Stone surrounded the court yard. The moon was high in the sky; the trees swayed with the cool night breeze. There was one tree in the middle of the courtyard, which at the stroke of midnight turned a light pale pink. Much different from it's daily green tone, to the residents of the stone fortress it seemed to be a blessing from Buddah. Somehow, a gift of approval from their most high God. The family created traditions over the years; the daughters were always married beneath the tree at the turn of midnight. If a member was sick, they were placed beneath the tree. Over the years many rumors escaped from the strong stone walls. Some of them were very disturbing to the family. So disturbing in fact that the fifth family locked themselves inside at night, and no one was allowed to leave. They beleived that the lord had favored them,with the honor of protecting of the sacred tree.2

It wasn't until the fifth family died away and the three daughters were left. The three daughters Ella, Kartra and Masumo beleived that the tree was simply magical, and was of no use. All it did was sit there and turn pink at night. The eldest daughter ordered the tree removed in order to build her new throne room. No one could have guessed what would have happened.3

Once the tree was removed and the construction of the new throne room was being built, strange things began to happen. On the twelfth day of construction four workmen were killed. Smashed by stone tablets meant to encase the floor. None the less, the eldest daughter Ella, demanded that the throne room continue to be built.
Even stranger things were beginning to happen. Ella's personal slave came down with an unknown disease and had an intolerable urge to kill her master. Ella demanded that the young slave be killed for attempted murder. The deed was done. Convinced that all these strange occurrings were just coincidences. She couldn't have been more wrong. 4

Ella demanded that no one leave the castle at night. It seemed that the strange deaths happened during the night. Ella beleived that the tree had been a curse and Buddah was fighting a battle with the trees evil aura. She made sure that the night was calm, quiet and undisturbed.5

On the final night of the throne room's finished contruction, Ella took a seat on the newly marbled throne. Suddenly, she heard an eerie voice whispering on the wind. 6

The Eldest daughter went pale as a shadowed figure floated before her. The face of the stranger was narrow and eyeless; her face was painted white. Her lips were deep black, her cloak a dark green trimmed and etched with blood red seams and designs. The moon was no longer visable, and the breeze was no longer flowing through the open windows. The place in which the pink turning tree had rested, was now completely covered and the moon could no longer shine down upon the earthy soil.7

"You are the Eldest Daughter of the Haruang Fifth family are you not?" the eerie voice asked in hushed tones. 8

"I am." Ella replied with much confidence and pride.9

"Your family has worshipped and believed in me for many years. And you have destroyed that sacred balance."10

Ella tilted her head, her golden talismans on her crown jingled at the movement.11

"I don't beleive this.." she said laughing, "You're just a trick of my imagination!" she shouted pointing a bony finger at the shadowed figure.12

"Replant the tree and maybe I'll leave you alive! Refuse me, and I shall kill you and your second sister."13

Ella was unmoved by this Ghosts demands, as far as she was concerned there was no way the being could harm her. She was the princess of the fifth family. She was near being immortal!14

"I deny your request! Be gone!" Ella demanded standing and walking through the ghostly figure. 15

At the entrance of the door Ella suddenly stopped, her third sister Masumo was standing in the doorway. She peered over to see the ghost floating over the floor.16

"What's going on?" Masumo asked meekly. 17

"None of your business." Ella said sending a hand across Masumo's cheek. "I told you to stay in your room and to not come out."18

Masumo shed a tear, "Where is the pretty pink tree?" she asked softly. Her sister glared at her with a vengance. 19

"None of your business." she said walking back toward her stone throne. 20

Masumo followed like a lamb to the shepard. 21

"I want to know what happened to the pink tree that used to stand here."22

But Ella was unwilling to answer her sister. She simply sat down and looked bravely out the door. 23

Masumo waited, she stood beside the ghost. 24

"Do you know what happened to it?" she asked the ghost politley.25

"Yes, it was my soul bearing tree. I blessed your home for many a generation. But your sister ruined it by turning my tree to mulch. Now I have come to exact vengance on your family." 26

The ghost looked at Masumo with a kind expression, "But not you." the ghost then replied. 27

Masumo smiled, "What is your name." 28

"Tabuki," the ghost said smiling a toothless smile. 29

"Tabuki, I think I can resolve this problem. Come and look." 30

The ghost agreed to follow but demanded that Ella accompany them.31

Ella followed but very unwillingly. 32

Masumo led the two up the circular stairway, they walked the red hallway the sound of the two womens heels clicking on the floor. Masumo stopped at her bedroom door. There sitting on a small table was a small green tree. Masumo stood beside it smiling. 33

"What do you smile for child?" asked Tabuki. 34

"Look.." she said opening the curtain. The moonlight shone through strongly and beautifully. With the milky glow shining down on the tree the change began to happen. The leaves turned a light pink, the trunk of the tree laced itself with sacred markings identical to the original tree. Tabuki gasped, she looked to Masumo.35

"You saved my tree?" she said admiring the beauty.36

"Only a small part of it. I cut off a root when I was very young, and placed it in soil from the same spot. This is like a child to the tree, over the many months it has grown exceptionally. If we replant the tree I beleive it will grow strong and tall."37

Tabuki looked to Masumo with a smile, "You are strong spirited child. Your sister has an unchangeable yearning for destruction. Your second older sister has fear unwilling for change. But you, you have the gift of sight. The gift of love. Thank you for using your love to help this tree to grow. My soul will be able to rest in peace once more when the tree is old enough." 38

Masumo bowed her head and took the potted tree. Tabuki and Masumo chose the perfect spot for the tree. Within a year the tree was large enough for Tabuki to rest within it's base.39

Once he rested the strange things stopped happening around the castle. Night was no longer fearful, the family stepped out of the castle walls at night. Admiring the lakeshore and village they had been deprived of for so long.40

Thus is the tale of Tabuki and Masumo.

Author notes

Option 3- Nature
Hope it's okay, it is about a tree. lol. And thats nature. : )

My Username is- Miss Hanako Megumi

And thanks for hosting this contest! I love storywrite Cafe! lol

A contest entry

Please tell me what you think

    : , Your review:

    Comment Suggestion: What is your your first impression?
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Comments

1 - 24 of 24

  • asthray.heart
    October 26, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    A lovely fable, this was so cute. Something I could see being beautifully produced by Studio Ghilbi. You use a good amount of imagery and tell enough without overdoing it

    Great work hehe ^^


  • Elisabeth gold member
    April 9, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    Some minor spelling and grammatical mistakes. Nice story/fable.


  • B Chandler Greeters member
    March 29, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    Loved the imagery


  • Shiki
    January 7, 2008

    Edit | Reply

    Magical absence!

    I say^_^ the story is good about a japanese like fable this was very interesting. hmm but not exactly what I was looking for I was looking for a usage of the power. And In here I don't really feel the usage of a certain power. What I felt was the blessing and curse of a sacred or divine tree You didn't read the fantasy part throughly lol but This is a good story just lack of what I needed Good try^_^! you still have more chances try to read what I wanted You already have a very strong base to write fantasy stories just need to write what I required and It would definately score you points


  • Zach...thats me
    January 3, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    ok this story was awesomely done and much feeling i had when i read this again because it is so great i like the ending it is good you should write more stories like this one so i can read some more of your stories and give you more cmts


  • Zach...thats me
    December 29, 2007
    Edit | Reply
    very interesting i like it great job


  • aloominum
    December 16, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    this is wonderful, it gave me a happy feeling inside ;D

    i dont feel that this needs anything, as it is purely lovely and other people have critiqued it already.

    if there were more points i would give them to you!

    beginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 4, characters: 5.


  • Victoria Locket
    December 11, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    FANTASTIC!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! IT WAS JUST FANTASTIC! I mean, well, I have nothing to say but...

  • native g51
    December 11, 2007
    Edit | Reply

    great

    it was well worked on good job i liked it very much

    beginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 5, ending: 4, dialog: 3, characters: 4.


  • TatteredAngel
    December 10, 2007
    Edit | Reply

    Love it.

    I love it. I've always been enchanted with storys, from all over the world. This is just the best.

  • B Chandler Greeters member
    December 10, 2007

    Edit | Reply

    Commentary Critique

    Well, to start off with I'm not quite sure what the point was with the massive empty lines after the story ended but I think that is just unneccesary. Secondly, even though I loved this story, I can't help but to wonder why you used the two character names so much throughout which in turns detaches itself away. Another point being made is the awkward grammar placements in certain sections of the story (Note that the possible corrections will be listed)

    • Stone surrounded the court yard. The moon was high in the sky; the trees swayed with the cool night breeze. There was one tree in the middle of the courtyard, which at the stroke of midnight turned a light pale pink. Much different from it's daily green tone, to the residents of the stone fortress it seemed to be a blessing from Buddha. Somehow, a gift of approval from their most high God, the family created traditions over the years; the daughters were always married beneath the tree at the turn of midnight. If a member was sick, they were placed beneath the tree. Over the years many rumors escaped from the strong stone walls. Some of them were very disturbing to the family. So disturbing in fact that the fifth family locked themselves inside at night and no one was allowed to leave. They believed that the lord had favored them, with the honor of protecting of the sacred tree.

    • It wasn't until the fifth family died away and the three daughters were left. The three daughters Ella, Kartra and Masumo believed that the tree was simply magical, and was of no use. All it did was sit there and turn pink at night. The eldest daughter ordered the tree removed in order to build her new throne room. No one could have guessed what would have happened.

    • Once the tree was removed and the construction of the new throne room was being built, strange things began to happen. On the twelfth day of construction four workmen were killed. Smashed by stone tablets meant to encase the floor nevertheless, the eldest daughter, Ella, demanded that the throne room continue to be built.

    • Even stranger things were beginning to happen. Ella's personal slave came down with an unknown disease and had an intolerable urge to kill her master. Ella demanded that the young slave be killed for attempted murder. The deed was done. Convinced that all these strange happenings were just coincidences, she couldn't have been more wrong.

    • (NOT SURE IF YOU MEANT TO SAY ‘BUDDHA’Ella demanded that no one leave the castle at night. It seemed that the strange deaths happened during the night. Ella believed that the tree had been a curse and Buddah was fighting a battle with the trees evil aura. She made sure that the night was calm, quiet and undisturbed.

    • On the final night of the throne room's finished construction, Ella took a seat on the newly marbled throne. Suddenly, she heard an eerie voice whispering on the wind.

    • The Eldest daughter went pale as a shadowed figure floated before her. The face of the stranger was narrow and eyeless; her face was painted white. Her lips were deep black, her cloak a dark green trimmed and etched with blood red seams and designs. The moon was no longer visible, and the breeze was no longer flowing through the open windows. The place, in which the pink turning tree had rested, was now completely covered and the moon could no longer shine down upon the earthy soil.

    • "I don't believe this...” she said laughing, "You're just a trick of my imagination!" she shouted pointing a bony finger at the shadowed figure.

    * "None of your business" Ella said sending a hand across Masumo's cheek, and then added, “I told you to stay in your room and to not come out."


    • Masumo shed a tear, "Where is the pretty pink tree?" she asked softly. Her sister glared at her with a vengeance.


    • Masumo followed like a lamb to the Sheppard.


    • "Do you know what happened to it?" she asked the ghost politely.

    • "Yes, it was my soul bearing tree. I blessed your home for many a generation. But your sister ruined it by turning my tree to mulch. Now I have come to exact vengeance on your family."

    • Masumo led the two up the circular stairway; they walked the red hallway the sound of the two women’s heels clicking on the floor. Masumo stopped at her bedroom door. There sitting on a small table was a small green tree leaving Masumo standing beside it smiling.

    • "Look...” she said opening the curtain. The moonlight shone through strongly and beautifully. With the milky glow shining down on the tree the change began to happen. The leaves turned a light pink; the trunk of the tree laced itself with sacred markings identical to the original tree. Tabuki gasped, she looked to Masumo.

    • "Only a small part of it due to that I cut off a root when I was very young, and placed it in soil from the same spot. This is like a child to the tree, over the many months it has grown exceptionally. If we replant the tree I believe it will grow strong and tall."


    • Tabuki looked to Masumo with a smile, "You are strong spirited child. Your sister has an unchangeable yearning for destruction. Your second older sister has fear unwilling for change. But you, you have the gift of sight--the gift of love. Thank you for using your love to help this tree to grow. My soul will be able to rest in peace once more when the tree is old enough."

    • Masumo bowed her head and took the potted tree. Both had chosen the perfect spot for the tree. Within a year the tree was large enough for Tabuki to rest within its base.

    • Once he rested the strange things stopped happening around the castle. Night was no longer fearful; the family stepped out of the castle walls at night. Admiring the lakeshore and village they had been deprived of for so long.


  • Infectious Insanity
    November 12, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    this was awesome... not my fav genre but awesome! well done!

    good luck in the contest and thanks for entering

    *sheep*


  • Olinda
    October 20, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    as always, spectacular. Your writing is so beautiful and intriquate. I love the way you wind your stories, and you are just plain talented.


  • Artemis Gem
    October 7, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    ooh i love the story! its just...the names bother me...since ella totally doesn't sound chinese...yet then masumo and tabuki sound japanese...and then kartra...almost hindi. i dunno. that was just-distracting for me. But I love this story!

    pegleg

  • Zach...thats me
    October 2, 2007
    Edit | Reply
    I love this story if i had a contest for this type of story u would win. i would give u 3 points but i ran out im sorry but nice story


  • Kevan gold member
    September 30, 2007
    Edit | Reply
    Hahaha, I love this type of story.. with the whole curse thing going on, and how she doesn't even realize it at first. Excellent job, and good luck in the contest.
    -Kevan
    p.s. I like how you decided a tree fits into the whole nature theme d: Very original, haha


  • Athena of Starlite
    September 7, 2007
    Edit | Reply
    Sorry, but I only managed to get throungh the first few paragraphs before I had to stop. Your structure is not working for me; you have way too many incomplete sentences. Your words are simple, boring, monotone. Your ideas aren't bad, you just need to improve some basic skills.

    And I don't think Ella, Kartra, and Masumo are Chinese names, tell me if I'm wrong.

    And if I seem rude, my deepest apologies

  • Baba Jojo
    September 1, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    very intriguing and unique. Nice job on this one.. Not much for me to criticise...i would like more detail along the characters and a bit depth in that all...so this good....


  • yoshi97 silver member
    August 30, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    I always like a good fable, and this one delivers a really nice story, /at times, the wording is a little bit awkward, but not so much that it stifles the story.

    The one thing I think this story needs more of is more showing and less telling.

    This is a hard one to describe, as even I am guilty of this one, and only now have I became better at seeing it.

    When the reader feels constantly led through a story but the activities in the sotry, then a lot of telling is going on. Telling is neccessary to communicate ideas, but telling is an emotionaless tool, and emotions are what stories are all about.

    Any time we are made to feel any emotion when reading a story, that's showing, and showing is what pulls on our gut and tells us we need to keep reading.

    By showing more than telling, you elevate a good story to a great one, and the tranformation is not as difficult as one night think.

    All one need do is walk through what's already written and constantly ask, how do my characters react to each event? By *showing* their reactions and making them emotionally felt, you add balance to the sotry and develop more of an interest in the emotional side of te story - which is often the story itself.

    What you have here is very creative - and to my recollecion - unique. As such, it's definitely a worthy story, and one I believe (with the right polishing) could be easily published.



    Here are a few suggestions for improvement:

    [The moon was high in the sky, the trees swayed with the cool night breeze.] --> The moon was high in the sky, the trees swayed with the cool night breeze.

    comma splice, needs a semicolon instead

    [There was one tree in the middle of the courtyard, which at the turn of midnight turned a light pale pink.] --> There was one tree in the middle of the courtyard, which at the stroke of midnight turned a light pale pink.

    I recommend changing the first occurance of the word 'turn' to 'stroke' (or another word)

    [Much different from it's daily green tone. To the residents of the stone fortress it seemed to be a blessing from Buddah.] --> Much different from it's daily green tone, to the residents of the stone fortress it seemed to be a blessing from Buddah.

    [The family created traditions over the years, the daughters were always married beneath the tree at the turn of midnight.] --> The family created traditions over the years; the daughters were always married beneath the tree at the turn of midnight.

    ** first paragraph submerges the reader into concern - well done! **

    [On the final night of the throne room's finished contruction Ella took a seat on the newly marbled throne.] --> On the final night of the throne room's finished contruction, Ella took a seat on the newly marbled throne.

    [The face of the stranger was narrow and eyeless, her face was painted white.] --> The face of the stranger was narrow and eyeless; her face was painted white.

    I used to do alot of comma splices myself. The way to detect themis to decide if all the words on each side of the comma make a complete and independant thought.

    Like so: The cat ran to the hole, the mouse ran away.

    Then, change the comma to a semi-colon, and the sentence is okay.

    The cat ran to the hole; the mouse ran away.

    [Masumo waited, she stood beside the ghost.] --> Masumo waited. She stood beside the ghost.


  • Saej silver member
    August 29, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    aww... that was cute! I loved it! Great job.

    Umm... criticism... I don't think I saw anything that needed to be fixed. It was all beautifully written.

    Once again, great job! and good luck with all these contests!


  • MoonRoseWolf gold member
    August 29, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    This was a really lovely story, and I enjoyed reading this very much. Its style is also told like a traditional chinese myth, which I love, good luck for the contest!


  • HeartSxAnDxStripeS
    August 28, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    That was a great story and I loved the Chinese tale. It was very sweet and I liked the fact that the tree turned pink which is a rocking colour. I really enjoyed your story, good luck.


  • GuitarShank Moderators member
    August 27, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    Very good, I like this story. But Chinese legends usually are very interesting.

    Edits:
    "most high God." -> "highest god." God is only capitalized when you are referring to God, not just a god. And most high just doesn't sound right here.

    "None the less" -> "Nonetheless"

    "Even stranger things were beginning to happen." -> "Even stranger things began to happen." I changed this because it seemed passive, which moves the story very little compared to the active voice.

    Buddha, not Buddah.

    visable -> visible

    vengance is spelled vengeance

    "Ella followed but very unwillingly." -> you can take out "but very"

    "Tabuki gasped, he looked to Masumo." He? You said earlier that "her face was painted white. Her lips were deep black, her cloak a dark green..."

    Good job, and good luck in the contest


  • HeartSxAnDxStripeS
    August 26, 2007
    Edit | Reply
    Prompts are up, and the time left is up on the contests comments. Good luck.

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