Sped Up

 
Sped Up
by David Shank

 It was half past four and not a minute more. Rennie Thatcher was as good as late. He sped down the two-lane freeway, knowing that his boss would put him through hell if he was late one more time.1

He sped up 2

His girlfriend had asked him to drop her off at home because her parents couldn't come get her. That was just like her—waiting until the last minute to tell him the important things. 3

He sped up.4

Why couldn't she have said something the night before? Even in the morning would have been good. But when he asked her, “Hey, babe, when are your parents coming to get you?” and she replied, “You can't take me home?” then there was a problem.5

He sped up.6

Rennie finally looked down at the speedometer. The needle was at eighty and rising. He slowed down gradually, glad he was almost at work, but it was too late.7

He heard that magical sound behind him. Everybody knows that sound; it's usually accompanied by red and blue lights and a fear of having to room with a burly man named Bubba who wants to make his roommate his girlfriend. At least he'll protect you from all of the other burly men if you comply. Rennie shuddered.8

Rennie swore and began to pull over to the shoulder of the road, preparing his license and registration. He rolled his window down and waited for the police officer to get out and write him a ticket. He watched in the side mirror. The cop was still sitting in his car, the lights atop the car still spinning. He said something into his radio and wrote something down. Slowly, he got out of his cruiser and began walking towards Rennie.9

Rennie began to fidget. He played with his license, looking at it just to make sure everything was still up to date. Then he dropped the card on the floor.10

Quickly, Rennie began to search around the floor and under the driver's seat for the card.11

“Out of the car, now!” he heard a boisterous voice. Rennie was scared. Had he done something wrong? “I said, out of the car!” he heard again.12

Rennie came up from under the seat and looked at the cop. He now stared down the barrel of a pistol. Rennie froze solid. He threw his hands in the air as if it were a reflex.13

“Sir, I need you to slowly open the door and slowly step out of the car,” he said more calmly, as though he was trying to gently coax the boy into compliance.14

Rennie, being careful to be slow in the procedure, reached for the handle, opened the door, and stepped out. He kept his hands up.15

“Put your hands on the back of your neck and lace your fingers together.”16

Rennie did as he was told, not sure why he had to lace his fingers. He figured out quickly why he requested this of him. The cop grabbed his middle two fingers on his left hand firmly. It was a police move. His friend had shown it to him. When they grab those middle two fingers, the hands became locked together. There was no way out, and attacking the policeman was definitely not a choice.17

Rennie figured it would be better to do as the cop said. The officer guided Ren to the hood of the police cruiser and—without even a little bit of gentleness—laid his head down on it. He pulled out a pair of handcuffs and trapped Rennie by the wrists, moving his hands down to his lower back. He didn't care, the cuffs didn't hurt as much as the finger trap did.18

The officer patted him down, all the while talking about Rennie's rights. All of that “You have the right to remain silent” stuff. Anyone who's ever owned a television knows it.19

“I have reasonable cause to search your vehicle,” the cop told him, “Would you like to tell me before I look if you have any weapons or drugs?”20

Rennie didn't have any weapons. He'd never even used a weapon before. He shook his head nervously.21

Rennie's mind began to race. Do I have any weapons? he asked himself. He was going through a bout of nervous paranoia. That same feeling everyone gets when they are accused of lying. “Did I lie?” everyone asks themselves. They know they're telling the truth, but for some reason, they believe that maybe the accuser could be right.22

Rennie still didn't understand why he was in the position he was in. What was this “reasonable cause?” He tried to figure it out.23

“Sir, would you like to explain to me why there is a tire iron under your driver's seat?”24

A tire iron? That's not where it goes, it's supposed to be in the trunk.25

“You look nervous. Is this what you were diving to the floor so quickly for?”26

Oh, that's why I'm on the hood of my car in handcuffs....27

Rennie remembered why it was there, but he couldn't speak without stammering. It made his explanation seem completely unconvincing. “M—my dad. He chained—I mean—ch—changed the tire. It was full—I mean—flat.”28

The cop nodded suspiciously, then walked around to the back of the car to where the spare was supposed to be kept.29

“If your dad replaced a tire,” the police officer began, “then why is there a spare tire under there? And don't tell me it's new; I saw it.”30

Rennie knew that answer too, but was sure it wouldn't sound believable. They had a broken down old car in the driveway whose tires matched those of Rennie's car. His dad had removed a tire from that car and replaced Rennie's spare. “My dad's old car tire. An old Mustard—Mustang.”31

The cop nodded again in that same suspicious manner, this time adding an unbelieving “Uh-huh.”32

He opened the back door of the old sports car. The cops eyes glittered like he had found a treasure of incredible value. He reached down inside the car and picked up his find. Holding it out for Rennie to see.33

“Like to do a little partying, huh? This is a good brew; too bad you're too young to be drinkin' it—not to mention the fact that it's illegal to consume alcohol while driving.” The cop saw that Rennie was about to open his mouth to say something, then added , “Let me guess: your dad likes to drink when he works on cars, right?”34

Rennie nodded.35

“All right, let me tell you the deal. I'm going to write you a ticket for speeding, then one for reckless driving, and then I'm gonna see what I can write you for all these stories 'bout your dad you've been tellin' me.”36

Rennie looked like he was about to cry. The tears didn't start to fall until the cop added that Rennie would have to pay for the tow truck that would take his car.37

Then the cop started laughing. “I'm just messin' with you, Rennie. I was just doin' this to see how far I could get before you figure out it was me!”38

Rennie stared at the man in disbelief. “Who?”39

He laughed again, “You're dating my little niece! I was at her graduation party. You don't remember me?”40

Rennie shook his head.41

The cop showed Rennie his license and said, “I think you dropped this. Just make sure you don't dive to the floor of your car next time you're pulled over; it makes us think you're going for a weapon. I would've let you out of the cuffs earlier, but seeing as I know you, I thought it'd be fun to scare you a little.”42

Rennie laughed when the cop—his girlfriend's uncle—had said “a little.” He had no idea how big of an understatement that was.43

The cop let Rennie out of the cuffs and said, “All right, now here's what I'm going to do. This is your first offense, although a serious offense. I'm going to give you a warning, don't let it happen again, got it?” Rennie nodded, “Good. Now you can go.”44

Rennie smiled uncomfortably and got back into his car.45

Then he really smiled, because he had an excuse for being late this time.46

He sped up.47


48

Author notes

I'm going to use my imagination, or try dying. Wait a minute...

In a list

A contest entry

Please tell me what you think

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    Comment Suggestion: What is your your first impression?
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Comments

1 - 41 of 41

  • MikeyMurder
    July 21

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    Amazing

    I'm always gripped by your writing. Don't stop, keep on writing more I lyked the ending, nice and short. And your use of "He sped up" really nails it into your head so well done!! You have an amazing talent at this.


  • Nublada
    June 4

    Edit | Reply
    You're a really clean writer. And not just you know, hygiene. =P Your writing is clean, the dialogue works, you even manage to put in some comments throughout the piece that really speak to your ability to create humor. However, I don't know, something's missing for me! While I like the twist ending, I just don't feel like there's anything about Rennie that particularly makes me care about him. Maybe some more... back story? Some unique character details? A little more on how he comments on his environment? Right now this feels very cut and dry, an isolated event with people I don't know anything (or much) about. I'm only being so picky since you seem to have a lot of writing ability! SOOOO, enjoyed it! Good read!

  • Marta gold member
    June 2
    Edit | Reply
    A Good Story.

    beginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 5.

  • Woa Nice Work Liked It

    • For the sake of myself, you, and any others you may comment on, please accept my advice:

      First, short comments are seldom appreciated here. When the writer has put in a good effort to entertain the reader, he prefers that others would return the effort in their critiques. We all strive to get better, and to do that we need criticism.

      Second, when you leave a comment, please point out at least one element of the story you liked, think could be better, etc. Be specific. This proves that you have given the time to read the story.

      Finally, when you leave long comments, you will be rewarded with points. Comments over 100 characters (which is about my second or third paragraph here) are given a star rating. You earn two points per star, and depending on what the author thought of your comment, it can be rated up or down, earning you more points.

      This is no insult against you, only advice. Thank you for reading my story


  • Caradoc
    May 13

    Edit | Reply
    Poor kid. That sounds like something some people I know would do if they had the chance. I really liked the whole description of this one. And the fact that Rennie was panicking goes to show something about people when under stress during moments like that. He's really lucky it was his girlfriend's uncle.

    beginning: 4, language: 5, plot: 4, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 4.


  • MJs-Angel
    April 20

    Edit | Reply
    Wow. I really liked it! It was funny at the ending. I was sorta scared for Rennie. Actually, that's an understatement....I was scared for poor Rennie.

    beginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 4, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 5.

  • Haha! =)

    Nice I particularly liked this one
    This is the kind of story where I didn't know what would really go on and I was entertained - sometimes, because of nervousness, we do just clam up and act all "suspicious"

    Anyway, one little thing: "You have the right to remain silence" should be "silent"

    But yeah, nothing too large Thanks for sharing this with us ^_^


    • GuitarShank Moderators member
      March 24
      Edit | Reply
      Holy crap! I never noticed that! And neither did anyone else...

      Thanks for the comment

  • Nice...

    I liked how it was all a prank by Rennie's Girlfriend's uncle. That was pretty clever. At first, I thought the cop was corrupt or something, then the entire concept came together.
    Nice write!

  • fallinghero
    March 1

    Edit | Reply
    That was pretty funny. I would have wet myself, or hit the cop, but that wouldn't hav ended well. The only thing I would have wanted more of was description of the settings. The mind's eye did fine for this one, but I felt like you could have painted a little more of a picture.


  • Matt Coggan
    February 19

    Edit | Reply
    I quite like this piece, you do not use much description but the scenes are set believably enough and the plot flows nicely. I am not sure if it is just me – quite likely – but for some reason the twist of the copper being someone he knew and just playing games with him, did not connect succinctly. I like the idea, but somehow the transition needs work??

    You show a lot of potential here and I mean that sincerely and without patronising. If you fix up a few of the grammatical and structural discrepancies, and perhaps add some bulk to your descriptions both of the physical and emotional world your characters are faced with, this could be really good

    I have written a few suggestions below on possible changes to help this read better, feel free to disregard them.

    “Out of the car, now!” he heard a boisterous (boisterous is not the right word for this situation, it implies adolescent larking around, not the voice of an authoritative man) voice.

    Everybody knows that sound; it's usually accompanied by red and blue lights and a fear of having to room with a burly man named Bubba who wants to make his roommate his girlfriend. At least he'll protect you from all of the other burly men if you comply. (I think this piece would benefit from further detail about these “burly” men, you could really inflict hurmour, fear and disgust onto the reader and should not overlook such an opportunity)

    He figured out quickly why he requested this of him. (Consider altering the structure of this sentence, it seems clumsy compared to your others.)

    There was no way out, and attacking the policeman was definitely not a choice.17 (Consider replacing the word “choice” to “option”

    Rennie figured it would be better to do as the cop said. The officer guided Ren to the hood of the police cruiser and—without even a little bit of gentleness—laid his head down on it. (Consider altering this sentence, the middle section that joins the sentence together does not do your writing prowess justice, perhaps – ‘with blatant disregard to Ren’s well-being – laid his head…’ or simply cruiser and laid his head down roughly onto the hood of the police cruiser)
    The officer patted him down, all the while talking about Rennie's rights. All of that “You have the right to remain silence” stuff. Anyone who's ever owned a television knows it.19 (these sentences would work better if fused together, otherwise it almost seems like you are inserting an editors not outside of the narrative. If you wrote ‘All of that “You have the right to remain silence” stuff that everyone who's ever owned a television is familiar with,’ it may work better.).

    beginning: 4, language: 3, plot: 4, ending: 3, dialog: 3, characters: 2.

  • johnsbaby
    February 12
    Edit | Reply
    i really enjoyed your story! amazing writin

    beginning: 1.

  • cronox2001
    January 4
    Edit | Reply

    Cool

    This is a very cool story, glad i read it.


  • Firestar-
    January 4
    Edit | Reply
    Awesome Story! Great job!


  • Savage
    November 22, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    This was excellent! It was actually kind of funny, that twist was great.

    THis was really good, it has a nice style and is original (right? No, I'm kidding) The stutter was good, I pity him when he gets to his boss.

    Just one small thing.
    'It was half past four and not a minute more.' Try and rephrase that, how about 'it was half past four, not a minute over.'

    Really good, great job.


  • Dassy
    September 16, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    That was soooo marvelous! and the ending was totally unexpected! A great twist makes a great story!
    Keep writing!
    ~.~

  • Vampwolf
    September 3, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    I liked it. Very good pace and style. It was also quite believable.

  • btamulis
    July 26, 2008
    Edit | Reply

    Good Job

    Nice Dialogue and nice twist.....


  • Pixels
    July 24, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    I loved this, I didn't expect the ending. It was really well written.

  • livingstorywriter101
    July 12, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    This is very good! I wasn't expecting it to be his girlfriend's uncle. I felt like I was Rennie the whole time I read this! Well done! Bravo!


  • Oblivion Kitty God silver member
    July 7, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    Excellent. I loved it. It was nervous and yet humorous. Maybe it's just my tiredness talking... who knows. Anyway, good work, GS.


    • GuitarShank Moderators member
      July 7, 2008
      Edit | Reply
      Thanks for commenting. I'm glad you liked it

      And thanks for the trophy too

  • iyomite
    June 29, 2008

    Edit | Reply

    Wow

    Wow that was amazing. I like how you used "He sped up" to build the intensity...it seemed to have an abrubt ending though...but I really liked it...WOW!

    beginning: 4.

    • GuitarShank Moderators member
      June 29, 2008
      Edit | Reply
      Thank you

      I meant to have the abruptness there near the end though. I think it adds a feeling of an 'unexpected twist'

      Thanks for reading


  • RxxSpiritWolfxxJ
    May 15, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    Whahahaha.....FUNNY. I like this. Well written and believeable - I cried and sighed in relief along with the character. Boy, what an uncle.
    Great job.

    RJ


  • Mieta
    March 20, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    Interesting...the situation is unthinkable but then again nothing is impossible just highly unlikely. The twist what interesting and worked in very well.


  • tallblondie gold member
    March 13, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    Interesting plot. How the driver found himself in the situation was believeable (now who hasn't run late for work over someone's incosideration? Nice twist with the cop being his girlfriend's uncle and playing a prank on him. The comment "Then he really smiled, because he had an excuse for being late this time" was quite insightful - it really portrayed both the relief of the driver and also a person's innate wish to have a plausible excuse for running late for work.
    Keep writing!

    beginning: 4, language: 3, plot: 5, ending: 4, dialog: 3, characters: 4.


  • Viola.King
    February 19, 2008

    Edit | Reply

    Sped Up!

    Great job with this story! I loved your characterization, and I found myself actually worried for Rennie when the cop found the beer. That was a great way to keep readers guessing. Rennie was very believable. This is a wonderful piece...you're writing style is very admirable. Keep writing!

    beginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 5.


  • rubytearsarefalling
    February 17, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    I think that you have real talent for writing and that if you REALLY *cough cough* try you will be famous one day. ^^


  • BluRobyn
    December 20, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    That was good, I loved the ending. The repetition of 'sped up' was good at the beginning and I liked the way you put it in at the end. The bit where he was really flustered was good, really relatable. Brilliant!


  • VainfulSideEffects
    December 1, 2007
    Edit | Reply
    lol it was funny at ending, keep up good work =}


  • asthray.heart
    November 19, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    Lowl great work =] Was really funny I enjoyed this.

    Tnks for entering and goodluck.

    ~Lady Madeline.


  • potaytee
    November 7, 2007
    Edit | Reply
    That is really good. I loved the unexpected turn at the end! That was soooo good.
    Good Luck.


  • Olinda
    November 5, 2007
    Edit | Reply

    good

    This is very good. I love the description, and wow... I'm so excited!! So happy!!


  • Olinda
    November 5, 2007
    Edit | Reply
    awesome!


  • IrishYndina Greeters member
    October 23, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    Poor Rennie, all that stuttering and confusion. lol. It was well done - your dialog, as always, was great. I love the repetition of "he sped up" in the first few paragraphs. There are only two things I can suggest this time (no list, sorry lol). First, that finger hold the cop puts him in sounds painful, but he hardly even mentions the pain in passing. If it hurts, make sure we know it. Second, how does getting stopped by a cop give him a legitimate excuse for being late for work? Especially if he doesn't have a ticket or anything to show them. I mean he could tell the story about how his girlfriend's uncle pulled him over, but does that really sound like a true story? lol. Overall, this was both humorous and entertaining - a bit less serious than your other work I've read. Nicely done.

    beginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 4, ending: 4, dialog: 5, characters: 5.

    • GuitarShank Moderators member
      October 23, 2007
      Edit | Reply
      The finger hold doesn't really hurt, actually. It's just very restrictive. The only way it would start hurting is if you try to get out of it. I've tried that before, not too fun lol. And my mom's a cop so I know a lot of the little things others don't know. Did you know that if you grab someone's first two fingers and push them back and then down you can make a person fall on the floor?

      And I'm pretty sure if you tell your boss you were pulled over and let off with a warning you'd get away with it. Especially if you appeared flustered when you get to work. I've gotten a fender bender and then told my boss about it and he was just like "Are you okay?" I've been pulled over twice, same damn cop both times too lol. But my mom's his boss, so I got off with warnings. That had no significance to this blurb but I just thought it was funny

      But yeah, this was fun to write. I'm glad you like it


  • HeartSxAnDxStripeS
    August 28, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    I liked it, a funny story, I guessed that you knew that by my other prompts. You delivered a perfect funny story, I really enjoyed reading it, great job and good luck.


  • Andrew Timothy
    August 27, 2007

    Edit | Reply

    "He sped up"

    Lol, this was great, the end-line was great, the humor was great.

    Now, normally I'd offer a critique about the story here, but, seeing as it was done so well, the only thing I can offer is perhaps editing the title. It's fine as is, but I think it was kind of a draw back to the whole of the story. I dunno, but anyways...

    Good luck in the contest.


  • HeartSxAnDxStripeS
    August 26, 2007
    Edit | Reply
    Prompts are up, and the time left is up on the contests comments. Good luck.

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