My brother was a big guy, not tall, but big - you know what I mean. There always seemed to be more of him than what you could actually see. Presence, I think it’s called.
I always looked up to him throughout my life – from a child’s awe at the big brother who is SIX years older than you to the great respect for a man who had “seen the world” by the time he was 21.
So to be told he had bone cancer…to be told that he had perhaps weeks to live…. to be told that there was nothing that could be done, just make him comfortable…to watch him slip away as the bone-deep pain became unmanageable…to sit by his side as he breathed his last just weeks before he would have been 49…to offer comfort to his widow…to be supportive of family and friends at his cremation and scattering of his ashes…to become, for my other siblings, THE big brother rather than the one-in-the-middle….how am I meant to cope with that?
All my adult life, when things started to get too much, my he was there for me to turn to, to lean on, to listen. Now, at 42, I’m supposed to do without that for the rest of my days?
Sure, we’d grown a little apart over the last years we had – but then who knew the future? I’d a young family to raise, another focus to my life. I had years to get back to my brother – he was a patient guy, he understood – didn’t he? Now I don’t get that chance, now I only get to miss him like crazy, an ache that comes on me like a sledgehammer blow and leaves me reeling, an emptiness inside that never quite goes away, but sometimes yawns like a sleepy lion, it’s teeth tearing at my insides, pain without malice.
It comes on you at the damndest times, too. You never know what will happen which will pull that well-concealed rug out from under you, leaving you flat on your back and gasping for breath. It can be something someone says, something you see on television, something in the street – or sometimes it just wells up inside you and burns its way out. Whichever way it strikes, it leaves you shocked and exhausted.
Don’t get me wrong, I can spend a whole evening with my sister-in-law and not get a pang, it’s not that predictable, but there are other times when something is said, or there is a lull in the conversation, or a silence in the night, and there he is, the big guy, filling my heart to bursting point. How do you cope with that? How do you get over it? Can you?
Author notes
I've never submitted before, but I wanted to share this - especially now.
I wrote this a year ago, and on Friday he'll be dead a year - Will it ever get any better?
Comments
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Fine tribute...he lives in this piece...as do you!
An excellent piece, of course. Strange how deep and profound pain gives rise to fine prose. In a way writing of this eases the pain...in a way reading of this can bring it back. That's because it's in here, if the piece is any good. And this is good.
In time, things will heal. It's just...life...doing its inevitable thing.
GA
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I really dont know what to say.I am so sorry. I can see how you feel. I wont tell you I can understand how you feel, because I know it is very difficult for you..
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Incredible! This actually brought a tear to my eye. Shocked and exhausted, very different feelings but when you put it together in this piece, it fit! I'm thoroughly impressed.
Keep going with your writing.
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I do feel this was really well written and can tell it's from the heart. I cannot even begin to know how you feel, but am very sorry for your loss. Please continue to write, as this was an excellent piece of writing.
Sarahhitch.
beginning: 5, language: 4, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 5.
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My eyes are filling up reading this. I thought it was obviously heartfelt, which meant it had to be real (or an exceptional talent). I'm sorry for your loss. It's something that I have yet to go through - all my immediate family is still alive. So I'm afraid that I can offer no advice.
From a writing point of view - keep it up, you have a talent there. It's very well written.
GoNE
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Wow I didn't realize it was a true story. I feel bad giving any critisism on this piece. I'm sorry for your loss.
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This is such a brave thing you have done, to put out your deepest feelings and fears on here. You have done it honestly and openly, and im sure anyone reading this will appreciate its simple heart felt emotion and meaning. I also imagine the 'big guy' would be proud of you if he could read this now. I suppose with grief, we just have to be patient and wait until those pangs of pain become pangs of memories we can smile at. There is no quick fix, just time and patience. No body is truly ever dead until they are forgotten. And i can tell from reading this that your wonderful brother will certainly never be that!
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Thanks
Thank you for that. Today is the first anniverary of his death, and I'm finding it a bit hard to get through today. Hopefully it's true that it gets easier, I know it was when I lost each of my parents, but somehow it seems much closer when it's a sibling. Perhaps it's a fear thing - Death stalking ever closer!
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I am sorry you lost your brother. This was a very sad yet buetaful right, but some of your wording was a little weird.
All my adult life, when things started to get too much, (my) he was there for me to turn to.
(might want to reword that)
I’d (I had) a young family to raise, -
Very sad
I could feel your emotional struggle writing this. To answer your question yes it does get better. I lost my own big brother 16 years ago. Now when a memory pops up I smile and keep the memory in my heart and cherish the fact that I have them. -
Ever? Probably. You will always miss such an important prescence in your life, no question. Your everyday grief will get better-- live life as he'd want you to. But there will be those pangs, always, I'm sure.
I'm amazed at the eloquence with which you can talk about your pain. Of course, I bet you've had plenty of time to think about it.
Sorrow & Hope for you and your family...
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Thoughts appreciated
I think that putting it down on paper really helped - got it out in the open - most of what you read today came out in one sitting - only the last paragraph was added later. It all sort of came out, and only one spelling mistake (fixed).
Thanks for you thoughts
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