Mistaken me

The sun is rising, I always loved the sun rise. But who really cares if I loved it. No one has ever gotten close enough to find what I really love. I was the type of person who stayed away from people, as I didn’t want to know there opinions of me and my belief’s. I never did anything right. I was never good enough for anyone, so I kept to myself. That was how I was and how I still am. 1

I have to go out today, but I don’t want to. Going out means seeing people, and there glances at me. I hate it when people stare at me, its not that I am ugly or funny looking. Its just that I wear my life on me, and not in me. I don’t know if you know the type, it’s the kind that dress exactly how they are; cold hearted and empty. I wear black every thing. I would not be seen at night, except for my face and hands. I don’t dress or act how I do to get attention, just merely because that’s how I am. 2

I was shunned as a child, no parent wanted me to hang out with there kids. My parents didn’t even try to get me to go out and play with other kids. And I didn’t pester them about it either. I was lonely, yes, but that was how people treated me so that was what I thought it was going to be like always. I didn’t try to make friends, you could always find me with a book in front of my face or writing some sad poem or story. Other kids strayed away from me as I looked slightly menacing with my non-emotional face. I never smiled and I held an expression of death on it. Some people strayed away from me because they thought I would kill them. But really I wasn’t thinking that, I was merely thinking of my own demise. I hated living through each day, as they always started out good then ended as bad as they can get. My life was one big mistake after another.3

My latest mistake was falling in love. I told myself I would never fall for a person who took interest in me, but I did. Seeing as I had never had anyone look at me and not wince. I fell in love after his first few words. Miguel smiled at me then asked if black was my favorite color, at first I didn’t know what to do, whether to answer or just pretend like I didn’t hear him. After a moment I looked at him then told him purple was really my favorite color. He looked surprised as no one had ever seen me in anything other than black, But I told him nothing else looked good on me. After that first small conversation we became very close friends, every moment of the day I thought about Miguel. I couldn’t help it, I started slacking in my studies. College was my life, and then Miguel came along  and made me want to have more of a life all the time. And I did, only it was with Miguel that I really felt alive. 4

One morning after having spent the night at his place, he looked at me in bed and told me he loved me. I loved him as well, but I don’t know what happened in my mind. I just freaked, looking away from him I told him “No you cant love someone who’s cold hearted and worthless!” 5

Miguel placed his hand on my cheek faced away from him and turned my face to him again. He looked into my eyes and said that he knew I was stubborn and would push him away and that no matter how cold hearted I say I am he will never believe it! 6

I couldn’t take it, the tears ran down my face. No one had ever said they loved me and told me that I wasn’t what I thought I was. I started thinking. But not good thoughts. I have a rather bad habit to think the opposite on a situation. I knew I loved Miguel as he was the only one to ever care for me, but I was scared and I didn’t know what to do. 7

Laying my head back on the pillows, I cried and thought more. Miguel got up and said he would be right back. I looked out the window as the sun rose. A little while passed and Miguel never came back. I got worried, I walked around the house in a robe. It was three the next morning when I gave up waiting for Miguel. He never came back. I was left with a broken heart and a lost soul. 8

I walked home in dirty cloths and tear stained face. I was a nervous wreck. Falling in love and then loosing it in the same day is especially hard for someone who is worthless. I never even saw it coming.9

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I never saw Miguel in school anymore, it bothered me. But I got over it. Later on I started to close back up, become that lonely, shy girl who held death in her eyes.  When school ended and I got my major in writing, I started looking for a job. Obviously something more than McDonald’s and other small stuff like that. I found a small newspaper job, they wanted someone to write some kind of column about something. And thankfully they didn’t choose it, I chose “Current feelings across the sky’s“. I received letters from people who were severely depressed or extremely happy. It was an ok job, I made enough money at least. 11

A while into working for The Daily Thoughts, I started getting bored with it and not giving very good reply’s to peoples letters. I got fired. And obviously depression hit me again. Being trapped in my house was my life again. Alone…again. Heartless…again! 12

In my neighborhood I found refuge in the woods behind my house. There was a little house back there that was abandoned. It became mine, no one ever came back there so I was quite alone all the time. I became poor as I didn’t have a job, so I had very little money left from working. I only bought what was really necessary, which was almost nothing. 13

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Every morning, I would wake up before the sun would rise, as that was the only thing that always came back to me. It shimmered through the broken and cracked wooden boards, spreading its way to my small cot. I loved the sun rise. This morning, I found a dead bird by my bed. To me it was a bad omen, I took it as death to come of me or something close to me. And seeing as I didn’t have anything close to me, I knew it was me that was going to be suffering. 15

I went along with my day, as I hadn’t anything else to do. I needed something to eat so I went to the grocery store a few minutes away. The lady at the register was named Steevie, she gave me a quizzical look as I wasn’t smiling and I smelled bad. She rang up the bread and peanut butter for me, then asked me “Are you ok ma’am?” 16

“Yes I am fine, I am merely tired…Of living!” I gave her my money and left the store with my food. Walking down the street was painful, the sun was shining and the birds were chirping. It made me cringe. Finally I made it to my shack, with its darkness overwhelming the light. I ate a slice of bread and then  sat on my cot, hoping to think of something that will make me smile. Ha, like I could actually do that. Something glinted out of the corner of my eye, I looked over and it was a long piece of glass. I had never seen it before, and it looked rather inviting. I don’t really know what made me think it, but I grabbed it and ripped it hard across my upper arm and a stream of blood ran down it. 17

It excited me, so I did it again and again, till my arm was nothing more than shredded skin and blood. I laid back on my bed and watched the blood soak into the blanket.  My eyes closed, I was still alive, as I checked my pulse in my throat. It was faint, but still there. I tried remembering all the small amounts of good times in my life, there were only two that I could remember as being most recent, Miguel and the job. But of course those are gone from me. I lay there, almost dead and pondering my miserable life, when I realize, that thinking about it will do nothing. Getting it over with will do the trick just fine.18

Once again I grabbed the glass, with the last bit of strength I had and jabbed the glass in my heart. I felt it sink in hard and smooth, grazing a bone. I winced, but really I felt nothing more than what a shot felt like. I slumped over, eyes glazing. My hand holding the glass never left it. I hit rigor mortis fast, quicker than normal. No one ever found me. I remained a mistake, in the woods, and in life. 19