Jake Reynolds

Jake Reynolds1

“Hey, I wanted the last cookie!” Dana’s high pitched whine cut through the haze of early morning. I had just woken up from a deep sleep, and I was still a bit woozy. I propped myself on my elbows, leaning on them, and against the several cushions on the couch. I looked down, with semi-blurry eyes. I rubbed them, and slowly, my crumb-covered T-Shirt came into view. Shit.2

“Where is it? I WANT it NOW!” Dana was hysterical. She was turning 4, and she was almost as bad as when she was in her terrible twos.3

“Oh, grow up already. It’s just a cookie,” Sarah grumbled. She was 13, just turning 14, and very goth. It pissed off Mom a lot, but Dad kept saying it was a ‘stage she would eventually pass through’. I hoped fervently, that for the sake of the entire family, he was right. No-one could cross her and get away with it, except of course, Mom.4

“MOM! Sarah’s being mean to me…and who ate my cookie?” Dana was screaming with her trademark high-pitched whistle scream. I think my eardrum shattered just then. 5

“Shut up, you little twerp!” Sarah’s voice, rupturing my other eardrum. Damn these girls, and their high-pitched voices. Why couldn’t their voices deepen at puberty? It would do us men a lot more good…6

I quickly brushed my shirt with my fingers, just as Dana came into the living room. I didn’t want further damage to be inflicted upon my poor ears. She glanced at me for a second, then kept walking to our parents’ room. I sighed, wearily. I had been hoping that just once, I could sleep in until 7 on a Saturday morning. 7

But no, my insane sister had to wake up. Thank God it was only Dana and Sarah. Kevin and Keith, the 10-year-old twins, were even worse. They were still asleep though, those two could snore through a tornado. Actually, they could drown out a tornado with those snores. I was the eldest in our happy family of 7. Happy might be exaggerating though, come to think of it. And being the eldest was the best at some times, and a pain in the neck at other times. For example, I slept on the couch every night. Sleeping on the lumpy, uncomfortable couch was by choice, believe it or not.8

It was either that or sharing a room with Kevin. See, there are four rooms in our house. One room belonged to my parents. The other room was shared by my sisters. The third one belonged to Keith, and it smelled horrible; almost like a mixture of stale mashed potato (if you’ve never smelled stale mashed potato, take my word for it, it is vile), rotten eggs, and crap. Oddly enough, all the girls were after Keith (and Kevin; they are after all, identical); he himself smelled fine. The last room belonged to Kevin, and supposedly, me. He kept me up the entire night.9

We had a huge fight one day, a few weeks back. I insisted on taking the room, and making Kevin share Keith’s room. He refused, and I can’t really blame him for that, I didn’t think anyone, besides Keith, wanted to live in that room. I was furious, being the eldest; I felt I deserved a room to myself. Kevin agreed; he suggested that I move into Keith’s room, and that Keith move into his.10

Both Keith, and I disagreed on that one. I couldn’t believe that I was having this conversation with someone 5 years younger to me. What did I do? I took the matter to someone 20 years older than me. Mom’s word was law in the house, and I hoped she would be on my side. She was, but she didn’t want to sentence Kevin to living in that room.11

I am no match for the twins’ combined power. I don’t think anyone is. They found me making out with my girlfriend and threatened to tell Mom. Personally, I thought this was a bit rich, considering that they were considering tattling to someone who had given birth to me at the ripe old age of 20. Still, Mom had forbidden us to date until we were 17, and I was only 15.12

Fact #1: Ten-year-olds are not above blackmail.13

Fact #2: They have no conscience whatsoever.14

Fact #3: They are hell-spawn.15

So, in the end, they suggested I sleep on the couch, and I, miraculously agreed. I was seething, but I bit my words back. I’d get in trouble for saying foul things, and my evil brothers knew that.16

“Did you take the stupid cookie?” Sarah asked me. I stared at her; she had a lip ring. I pointed, my gaze a blank stare.17

“What are you staring at?” She asked, turning behind her.18

“Doesn’t that make it difficult to eat?” I asked, incredulous that someone would pierce their lip. She raised an eyebrow.19

“Excuse me? It’s my body; I can do whatever I want with it,” she snapped. I blinked, still half-asleep.20

“Did you eat it?” She asked again. I rolled my eyes and nodded. She shook her head in disbelief. “This family is so freaking dysfunctional!” she lamented to the wall.21

“Hey, no we’re not. We’re unique,” I groaned. It was Kevin. Which meant Keith wouldn’t be far behind.22

“Hey, Jakey!” I felt someone grab my tender ears and pull back. More assault on tender flaps of skin. It turned out he was directly behind me.23

“Argh! You idiot,” I grumbled, struggling.24

“I want my cookie!” Another shrill shriek from upstairs. We all winced.25

“How’s the couch, Jake?” Kevin asked, after Keith released me.26

“Screw you,” I muttered.27

“Language, Jake,” Keith admonished, winking. “We’ll have to add that to the list.”28

“What list?” I asked stupidly.29

“Of things you aren’t supposed to do,” Kevin said.30

“Like sucking on Karen’s face,” Kevin added serenely, pretending to jot down something in his palm with an imaginary pen.31

“The hell is Karen?” Sarah asked, interested. I shut my eyes. This was my punishment for eating that damn cookie. God really did punish ten-fold. Kevin and Keith smiled, and in identical motions, clapped a hand over their mouths in mock apology.32

“Whoops!” They said in unison. I hated when they did that. They each put a hand on Sarah’s shoulder and steered her away to a corner.33

“See, our brother was off…” I heard hushed whispers. Wonderful, they were exaggerating what had happened. Not that it needed any. I heard a sharp, bark-like laugh from Sarah.34

“You are so joking!” She said. “Who would date him?” She asked, throwing a scornful glance at me.35

“Gee, thanks,” I called.36

“What is going on here?” Great. Mom. I heard her yawn, and I looked up to see her coming down the stairs, a very disgruntled Dana leading her. “All right, guys, come on. Where did you hide the cookie?” The twins raised an eyebrow in similar ways and turned to stare.37

“Cookie?” Keith asked, confused. “I thought we were discussing Jake’s-”38

“It was me!” I blurted, cutting in before Keith could finish opening his big mouth. “I, uh, ate the cookie,” I cringed seeing the look on Dana’s face.39

“Dana, no!” Mom called, but it was too late. She had leapt from the landing of the staircase, and pounced on me, yelling bloody murder.40

“Argh! Get ‘er offa me!!” I cried, my words muffled. I could hear the twins laugh, hear Sarah’s sigh of annoyance, and Mom’s voice.41

“Dana, that’s quite enough, young lady! We’ll get you cookies later, but for now, you  apologize to Jake, all right?”42

She pouted for a minute, but mumbled a quick ‘sorry’. “I’m sorry too,” I replied, feeling guilty for some reason.43

“Sorry for what?” Dad, sleepy-eyed and in his pyjamas walked down the stairs.44

“Eating,” I replied truthfully. He appeared puzzled, but then shrugged it off.45

“Well, what are we waiting for? Let’s eat breakfast,” he said, rubbing his hands together. He moved into the kitchen, and then paused. Quickly, he turned around and spoke to Mom. “Well, darling…let’s eat!” He said brightly, meaning she had to cook something. Mom huffed, but soon she was bustling about making something for us all.46

Well, breakfast was another fiasco altogether, what with table etiquette (foodfights), forks and spoons, (one or the other), and table manners (elbows, hands, and in Dana’s case, feet). Me, I’m just glad to have survived another morning at the Reynolds household. 47

-Morgana48