And there they stood, man and horse, silhouetted against the rising sun. A gentle breeze ruffled his hair, throwing his raven locks carelessly aside, revealing his handsome features. His slighly angular features detracted slightly from his evident humanity. Enormous dark brown eyes permeated the otherwise paleness of his features. Thin lips tightened in what appeared to be an eternal grimace, these, combined with his eyes, added a certain softness to his appearance. 1
Sunlight cascaded into the valley, its refreshing golden glow pooling in the holes and flowing over the soft hills, illuminating all the imperfections of the earth below. Much of the terrain was cloaked in shadow, however, the sun showed no lapse in determination of chasing them away. 2
A small town was situated at the far end of the valley, but the life- giving light of the sun had not yet revived its inhabitants from their periodic slumber. His horse, a proud stallion, as black as his owner’s hair, whinnied his soft approval of the valley below. With that, he had surveyed the land, the man reined him in and urged him to begin the steep descent.3
As they made their way down the virtually untouched cliff- face, weaving in between stray boulders, the man realised how tedious a job it must be to navigate these cliffs on a regular basis, as either gypsies or simple tradesmen. He could imagine the caravans, swaying precariously as they made their way through the obstacles, the horses buckling under their heavy loads, and the men shouting encouragement until they reached the relief of the slope. He himself knew how hard it was to calm his own horse whenever there was a slight sign of danger or unease. 4
An eagle's cry alerted him of its presence and as he glanced at it he noticed that it was oddly large, despite its altitude far above and that it was of a most brilliant blue, such of which he had never before seen. Envious of the bird's freedom, he could not help but stare, tranfixed, as he observed its lazy rising and falling on the air thermals, its beady eyes determinedly fixed on its prey's residence below. He marvelled at its concentration, unwavering, though it was jostled about by the unpredictable currents of the air. 5
Still staring awestricken at the bird, he wished he could concentrate like that, fully on the present moment, but his mind often wandered and was impossible to harness constructively. Even now his thoughts swirled, jumbled in his head. He was jolted unceremoniously out of his thought induced stupor and was rather startled to find himself in an open field in the valley.6
From above on the precipice, the valley had looked picturesque, like an oil painting, but from here he could not help but feel he was trapped, with the foreboding rock faces glaring down upon him, watching his every move. His horse nickered gently, and tentatively stepped from the shadows into the full brilliance of the sun. 7
“Thanks Rainshine,” he murmured gruffly, stroking the soft black coat of his horse’s neck affectionately.8
He shook the long curtains of hair from his eyes so that he could see through the glare of the sun, though he still had to shield them from its glare with his hand. Locals who where working the surrounding fields were staring at the stranger in their midst suspiciously as he rode slowly down the trail that led into the village. The locals were part of a tight-knit community, one which did not see new-comers often and any excuse was as good as this to distract them from their hard day's work.9
The man had an exuding persona of mystery and awe and it seemed the locals were slightly intrigued yet intimidated by this quality. Though there were people dotted on the trail he followed, they all gave him and Rainshine a wide berth. He was followed by the critical eyes of the people around him who barely even tried to conceal their suspicion and distaste.10
The fields shrank away as sparse housing fought for dominance of the road edge. The trail also became a wider, but still meagre, road. As he neared the edge of the village, the ‘road’ became congested with horses and carts that bore the items bound for today’s trade. The previous ring that had existed around the lone man and his horse was disregarded. People were too involved in their busy lives to think of anyone else, let alone notice a stranger.11
Upon entering the town, people bustled around and jostled Rainshine forward. Traders, hoping to make a quick sale, pestered wandering citizens with their best offers and items; none however daring to disturb or bother the somewhat rugged-looking traveller who seemed to be stranded on his horse amongst the seas of people who had long ago made the wise decision to continue on foot to their destination. 12
Just a little further into the mass of people, he gave up, dismounted, and continued forward at an only slightly better pace. A boy who the stranger had noticed eyeing him for awhile finally approached him.13
His hair was straw blonde and freckles dotted his face. He looked up at the stranger and he revealed eyes of an intriguing blue color- so bright, they seemed to illuminate his face. Dressed in modest clothing of rough texture, long too small, his eyes were most definitely his most beautiful asset. 14
“ Please sir,” he said in a meek voice. “ My name is Thomas, son of Joshua. What kind of horse is that?” His eyes became large with curiosity, like that demonstrated by an innocent child. The boy looked about thirteen. 15
At first he was slightly taken aback by this strange question but a suspicion-laced reply formulated in his mind.
“How does it concern you? It is a large and confusing task dabbling in the species of an animal of which there are infinite varieties and variations, especially in a noble breed such as the horse.”16
The boy paused, thinking of how to reply; it was apparent he was terrified, again, like a small child. “I…I am training to become a doctor, to help animals. There are many varieties of horses around these parts and I have a considerable amount of experience and knowledge of them. However, I have never seen such a magnificent specimen as your horse. And if you don’t mind my asking, sir, what is your name?”17
“I know not of my horse’s origin. But I have heard of these so called ‘animal doctors’. Veterinarians, are they not?”18
The boy nodded quickly.19
“As for the name of my horse, his name is Rainshine. And I am Artemis, just Artemis.”20
And with that Artemis mounted his horse and began the way to the other side of the city, not looking back and so not seeing the boy still staring interestedly after him.21
“I hope we meet again, Just Artemis,” murmured Thomas with regained confidence in his voice which made him seem much more mature than his age would permit.
Author notes
I have tried to fix this up a bit more...
- Writing Whatever You Want group list • next in list
A contest entry
- 1 Vs 100 by asthray.heart.
3135 points, ended November 27, 2007, 71 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - What can your mind create...take TWO by LostShadow.
600 points, ended September 26, 2007, 31 entries
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100 points, ended September 15, 2007, 20 entries
Honorable mention
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - So You Think You Can Write? by EtherealButterfly.
1225 points, ended October 5, 2007, 39 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - another contest :) stories, essays, and poems by Elvenfairy.
100 points, ended September 25, 2007, 13 entries
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Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 20 of 20
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Definitely needs work but I liked the way that it read.beginning: 5, language: 3, plot: 5, ending: 4, dialog: 2, characters: 3.
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Lots of lush wonderful detail, and a very interesting beginning. Though I must admit that I am not a huge fan of the dialogue, it does seem to fit your story's frame.
Awesome job!
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tes i would need to read more to make an accurate judgement
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I second all of Dean's suggestions. Including the one saying that this is extremely hard to judge since it's not a complete story. I can say that this is a good start to a story, and your writing is precise, but it's not something that quite fits within the parameters of the contest.
One thing that instantly caught my eye:
..."revealing his handsome features" -what handsome features? You told us that he was handsome, but describe it in detail. You also told us that the village was picturesque. How? Really delve into opportunities like that.
Thanks for entering. -
This is a good start. It's hard to judge this, plot-wise, seeing as it's only the first chapter of a larger work.
As far as grammar and flow goes, I'd say you did a pretty good job. I only saw a few comma errors, although some of the paragraphs seemed a little stilted and forced.
One tip: try to avoid using phrases like "All of a sudden" and "With that". They are useful only in very specific situations, and usually they only serve to make sentences seem less dramatic and more...well..."written", if that makes any sense.
Also, I noticed at least one paragraph where nearly every single sentence was started with "He". That begins to get repetitive. This can be avoided most of the time by simply describing what's going on. So, instead of saying something like:
"He looked above him and spied an eagle, lazily rising and falling with the air thermals above, beady eyes fixed unblinkingly on the green fields below where its prey resided",you could say:
"Above him, an eagle was lazily rising and falling with the air thermals above...etc"
Overall, good, but like any piece, it could use just a little work. Also, I don't know if it was wise to submit this to a contest since it's not finished. It's impossible to judge you on plot.
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Wow. I really enjoyed reading this piece. The details were divine...I could imagine myself there, looking out with Artemis. Believe it or not, I imagined Artemis as Daniel Day-Lewis, who I watched a movie of last night...The Last of the Mohicans. A wonderful piece. I liked the dialogue, too, and was expecting Artemis to turn around and say, "No. Artemis."
I will read more of your work as time allows. Again, wonderful.
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"and" or "but" shouldn't start sentences unless they're in dialogue...
Watch paragraph structure. Putting too many ideas into one paragraph throws off the flow and makes it feel rushed.
for example...
"A small town was situated at the far end of the valley," should start a new paragraph...
Watch using complex language. Speak as your character would, it makes it more realistic and improves the flow. When people have to keep running to a dictionary, chances are they'll lose interest.
For the most part you have good punctuation. I saw a few extra commas where they're not needed and some that are missing.
for example...
“ Please sir,” he said in a meek voice,
should have a fullstop after voice not a comma
I like the idea of the story and will continue reading onto the next part. Your description is well done without being overdone. The dialogue flows well also. This is a good start just needs some editing. Keep writing
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I liked the immagry you had in this story. Thansk for entering my contest. SOrry it's taking so long to judge
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ay que bueno!
Your description was superb and I could visualize everything! Good luck in my contest! -
i liked it but i didn't really know exactly what was going on. but i thought the writting was very good. your paragaphs got very long though. anyway, good job and thank you for entering this contest. i hope you read and commented and i hope it helped you get more reads/comments in return!
peace&love,
greeneyes -
Woot yayness finally I get around to commenting this after reading it for the fourth time
Sorry it took me so long but I got sidetracked all the other times, now though I am free to comments as I please.
I really enjoyed this, was as good as the other chapter and I look forward to reading more from you Artemis.
Tnks for entering and goodluck
~Lady Madeline.
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wheres the hook?
i have no idea whats going on, but thats not quite the same thing. -
I'm gonna use Quick Comment, so bear(bare? never did understand those two) with me.
1st Para: "...light of sun..." --> "...light of the sun..."
I love a story with amazing descriptions, and that's what yours has, but the ending was a little...weird. It just kind of ended with a random conversation. Of course, on the bright side, this does open up questions for later chapters, if its incorporated into them.
Nicely done.
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The description is done quite well. A great setting which seems to be leading to some type of action.
A few sentences seemed to be a bit over long; an easy fix if you were to read this out loud.
Not certain about starting with "And." Seems a bit awkward.
Believe "sea of people" vs "seas."
All told there is a tension built here making me want something to happen. Nice writing.
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Good job
Much better read than the last time, not that the last time I read this it wasn't good, but some of the wording works so much better, I give you 10 out of 10 for improvement.
Great job all round.
Sarah
beginning: 4, language: 4, plot: 4, ending: 3, dialog: 4, characters: 4.
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Chapter 2 has now been posted. its called Chapter 2- The Reading.
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oooh, I like it.
there were a few parts that were overyly redundant, and there were some choppy sentences. This interupts the flow of the story, and knocks the reader out of the world you've done a great job painting for them.
There was some grammar issues,and a couple places where you switched words. For example "where" and "were".
This was promising, and I think you can do a really good job with this.
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number one, dont start the entire story with the word 'and'. it makes us think we've missed something and with it being chapter one, logically its not. the story so far is fairly slow, maybe even a bit too slow (i read too many comics so i tend to need a little action to get started). the mystery that artemis exudes needs to be examined more, i feel, since he enters a town where he's a stranger and nobody speaks to him essentially. thats pretty normal for the type of world that is suggested. give him a mysterious aura or have the townspeople give him a wide berth, so there is a wide ring around him. the chapter ends with no real resolution, nothing close to an ending because nothing really happens.
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wow great so far im no far down and its great but i have to go so i'll finish it l8er courtzattack/artimis the hunter. omg! did u know theres goin to be an artimis fowl movie comin out soon!
by the way dis is tweety 101 but witha new account! cya
beginning: 5, characters: 5.
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Wow. The beginning is fantastic! Really discriptive. It flows good to. Think I'm going to have to lurk round some more...
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