I finally made it. I smiled as I entered the office of Linda Gloria. The office was a small one but it had a pleasant feeling to it. There was an oak desk by the window that looked out among the tall buildings surrounding it. A woman about the age of thirty was sitting behind a new IMac computer, typing. She looked up as I entered and smiled.
"Welcome, my name is Linda Gloria." She introduced herself. She stood and met me halfway to the middle of the office. I shook her hand, noting she held a firm grip.
I returned with an introduction of myself. "Hello, I'm Lisa Green." I followed her back to her desk and took a seat in the one chair in front of the desk.
"You're going to be taking an office down the hall. You will have your own computer," She nodded toward her IMac. "There you will type up stories and research anything needed for stories. You will find a camera on your desk, when needed you are to take photos for stories. Any questions?" She spoke fast.
"Just one, I thought I was a reporter." Linda laughed.
"My dear, you're not a reporter! You are here to help the reporters. If you work hard enough you may find yourself a reporter in a few years but not now." I must have looked shocked because she assured me that I was on the top list to become a reporter but there were no openings. That made me feel better but not much.
I thanked her and left to find my office. It was even smaller then the one I was just in. There were no windows and I had to squeeze by the wall to get behind the desk.
"Well, this is what you wanted." I thought to myself. I turned on the computer which was an IMac but a version below Linda's.
"Great! Now I need to learn how to use this." I was used to a regular PC. "Oh well, maybe I can get to the bigger jobs quick and make my way out of here."
I was trying to figure out how to log on when I heard a knock on the door. "Come in!" I yelled as it opened.
In stepped a tall, dirty blonde haired man who looked in his early twenties. I immediately noticed his green eyes and great smile.
"Hello," His voice was deep. "my name is Adam Kenly. I just wanted to welcome you to," He paused, looking around. "Well, to the small office." He laughed. "I work across the hall and I suppose your my new photographer. So welcome." He smiled again.
"Hi." I said quickly. "My name is Lisa Green. I didn't really expect this." I looked around the small room. "I mean-"
Adam cut me off. "You expected to be a reporter right away right?" I nodded. "Well, when do you get off?"
I had to think for a moment. "I think around five." I answered.
"Good, enough time for me to finish my report. I'm offering to take you out for a drink." His eyes sparkled. I just stared at him.
I shook my head. "No, that's quite alright, really." However, Adam would not stand for it. He insisted on taking me out so I finally agreed to meet him outside at five fifteen.
I had about an hour before I got off of work. I finally got the computer to log in but now i needed to get to a word program. Before I knew it, I was done typing my first report, which of course was not really mine but some woman's named Amy Fin. She had done a report about how the earth's climate was changing and along with the typed story was a photo of the earth, comparing it to one hundred years ago.
I sent the final edit of the report to Linda and hoped it was what she wanted done. I grabbed my purse and made sure i had my phone, wallet and everything else. I walked down the crowded hallway toward the elevator. As the door opened, I saw that the elevator was nearly full. The thought of being scrunched in for so many floors was unberarable.
The stairs, off to the side beckoned to me. Yes, it would take longer, but I did not want to wind up like the woman who had just walked by, wearing a dress that could have easily passed as a tapestry.
I could see Adam waiting for me by a fountain spraying water out of the mouth of a fish. There seemed to be a million people walking around as i made my way to him. I was still new to the city life as I dodged a man with a briefcase.
I smiled as I reached Adam. He had changed out of his suit and tie. I noticed he looked quite handsome in his plain t-shirt and jeans. I still had on my black skirt and white top.
"So, where are you taking me?" I asked, smiling up at him. Adam was a good four or five inches taller then me. We walked down the stairs of a subway tunnel.
"It's a surprise." He said.
Author notes
Thank you to everyone with the suggestions and thoughts
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 14 of 14
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I really liked this. It was cute. Is this going to be a series type thing, or is it just to be unknown what they do? Some things need to be reworded, but nothing that a read-through can't fix.
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Thanks
Yes it is going to be like a series kind of thing. Soon, I just started school today so I'm real tired.
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A cute beginning. I liked it.
Becareful when you type "I". You forgot to capitalize a couple of them.
You sentences structure is good, but a little choppy. You could fix this by combining some shorter sentences so they flow more easily and it doesn't take one's attention away from what's going on so drastically.
Good job on this, and thank you for commenting on my story. -
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Thanks for the comment, I will look out for those I's
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Nice work setting up the scene and getting some emtion going. Would like to have gotten more than the superficial impression given of Linda.
First three sentences ended with "it." Perhaps using other words would give a bit more punch.
Suggest, "Welcome---Gloria," she---herself. This would give a better flow.
"Hello, my name is Adam Kenly," he said in a deep voice." He paused---
your=you're
Is Adam trusted as if so why?
A good natural setting, with interaction. Some good work. It will be interesting to see where you go with the story.
Jim
beginning: 2, language: 2, plot: 2, ending: 2, dialog: 2, characters: 2.
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Thank you for the suggestions I will look over it again tomrrow for I am buust tongith. Thank you again and I can't wait to hear from you soon.
Mem
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The ending evoked many great story questions: Can Adam be trusted? Is Adam good or evil? Will Adam do her harm? Why does Amy trust Adam?
That's a good thing. If the opening does not pose questions, then the story falters, and never recovers - regardless of how good it might get later. Readers like immediate concerns, and - in this department - you have delivered.
Suggestions:
[Linda started to describe what my job was going to be.] --> I would omit this line, as you show this through dialogie in the next paragraph. Show - good, tell - not so good, always choose show over tell
["Well to the small office."] --> "Well, to the small office."
a pause is needed here to make the sentence sound more natural to the ea
[I jut stared at him.] --> I just stared at him.
[which of course was ot really mine] --> which of course was not really mine
With those few bugaboos aside, I do see one problem. We do spend a lot of time inside Lisa's thoughts, and I think this could be improved upon.
Whenever you say what a character is thinking, you are telling, instead of showing. There are subtle ways to tell instead of show, and these enrich the story greatly.
And why does show work better than tell? Well, readers like to try and figure things out, and they feel rewarded when they are right. As such, it is best to - when possible - give clues to what a person is thinking without spelling it out.
Here's an example from your story:
I walked down the crowded hallway toward the elevator but then decided to take the stairs down. I figured it would be good exercise and I would not get all stuffy with so many people in the elevator.
This could be rewritten like this:
I walked down the crowded hallway toward the elevator. As the door opened, I saw that the elevator was nearly full. The thought of being scrunched in for so many floors was unberarable.
The stairs, off to the side beckoned to me. Yes, it would take longer, but I did not want to wind up like the woman who had just walked by, wearing a dress that could have easily passed as a tapestry.
That's a rough draft, but instead of having the character talk to herself, I expressed how she felt emotionally.
To paraphrase it another way:
The man looked down and thought to himself, my leg burns.
OR
The man looked down, and opened his eyes wide. From his mouth came a yell that was heard throughout the office, "My leg's on fire!"beginning: 3, language: 5, plot: 3, ending: 4, dialog: 4, characters: 3.
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Thank you sooo much for these suggestions. I am going to use them if that is alright thanks again
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nice beginning and the story fed itself quite nicely, keeping your interest even as we tried to figure out what was going on. I thought the end was a little too typical a stab at suspense, but it did its job as usual. Make sure your narration is formal at all times (story/photo is a little too casual) and I'd rephrase 'dirty blonde haired'. Missed a few capatalizations, careful, and a couple little mistakes like 'your' instead of 'you're'. Overall cute story with a lot of potential!
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thank you very much!
It is not over yet. I mean done I just ended it there for now
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Hmmm well yes there is going to be more. Do you understadnd what she is trying to become?
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its a great start
Hey well let me tell you this has a great start, you have the reader asking questions, like will there be a romance, will she climb up the ladder and get her dream job?
haired man who looked around twenty-one. I (I would state he looked in his early twenties)
Like it, I really do.
sarah.
beginning: 4, language: 3, plot: 4, ending: 4, dialog: 4, characters: 4.
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Yay I'm glad you like it
I will fix that.
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Aww cute =] I don't get it, why did you write, "I finally made it....or did I?" as the title? Is there going to be more of this story?
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