I dreamt I found you on the rocks. Crushed by cruel hands, or a cruel world, by waves or by gravity, by the elements or by love. I wasn't sure.1
Your stockings were what I saw first. Black and white with your red red gumboots on them, sticking out of the grey-nothing like witches feet from under a house . . . but you weren't evil, and your gumboots didn't glitter. You were a pixie, and now you're a dead pixie.2
I couldn't see your face, it was hidden by the sharp rocks, but I saw bruises and grazes in that way you do in dreams, not seeing them but knowing they were there. The greenstone in your dread was fractured and your glasses were cracked, not that your eyes could see, so that didn't really matter.3
I woke up and text you, you said you weren't dead, unless you were a ghost and did not realise it yet. I was glad and I gave you hugs, and you believed enough to stay away from the waters edge.4
Others dreamt to, they told you, you told me. We understood such bad omens, you promised to stay away from water, not to wear your stockings.5
But, time goes by, and dreams seem silly. We forget them and move on to better things. Youth seems immature and we know so much more than make believe now.6
And bad men hold knives to your throat and throw you on the rocks after, and I find you on the way home from school.7
Your black and white stocking stick out like you are a witch under a house, but you're not, you're a dead pixie.
Author notes
Seriously did dream this, she isn't dead yet, but other people have dreamt she died to, scary stuff.
Flow? What do you like? What do you not like?
Comments
1 - 18 of 18
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Frightening Stuff, For Sure!
Wow, that's a really scary piece of writing. It was great. Beginning and ending were both marvelous. Language is a tiny bit rough...I agree with Gary Alexander about the verb tenses, and you should keep in mind the difference between "to" and "too". You should also try to avoid joining phrases by simply adding a comma; it doesn't work (i.e. "Others dreamt to, they told you, you told me. We understood such bad omens, you promised to stay away from water, not to wear your stockings.") Also, maybe using too many inside references is a bad idea (the pixie thing is a bit confusing to your average reader). Beyond that, good job on this piece! Keep writing!beginning: 5, language: 3, plot: 5, ending: 4, characters: 4.
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I'd say scary too, I'd be worried for her, However it makes a great story. well written and very discriptive.
I enjoyed reading it. you should take it to a dream specialist, because i believe there is more hidden in your dream, you know it might not have anything to do with death at all. it could be representing something else. its strange how dreams work, but i would definatly check in on it. You can uncover somthing you never relized was there. by the way well written and i really like it brava!!!
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I really liked this... I hate having really vivd dreams about people I care about and having them end up dead in my dreams and freak out when I wake up... so I guess I could relate to this. Good job! and you should keep writing your dreams.... maybe you'll be like Stephen King and be famous 'cause of the vivid-ness of your dreams lol
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Dreams like that can surely be scary and horrific. I have had a few, not scary in the way yours reads, that have had that "deja vu" effect by coming true. It's almost like you're going crazy when a dream does come true for you know what to expect next and scares the crap out of you when it does happen the way you saw it in a dream. Great story effect told by you.
Ted E
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This is good. I don't know if I ever dreamed something quite like that. I'd have to think about iy for a long time. I normally don't remember my dreams though. Anyway, I found this well written, and catchy. Good job, and keep it up.
-Kevan
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The inconsistency in tense confuse. I also didn't realize the gender of your dream character... I had assumed, incorrectly, of course, that this was a male. Wrong. But...should you leave this so vague...until the last graph or two? And...what are "gumboots?"
Pixie? Dead pixie? Not sure about this significance. Should I have known? "Greenstone in your DREAD"...what is that?
"Woke up and text you..." Should it be "wake up?"
"stocking stickS out..." or "stockingS stick out?"
Hmmm!
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Wow I loved your writing in this , but that is scary how you as well as others have dreamed this. I hope that it doesn't come true. Dreams can be really freaky sometimes esp. if more than one person has similar ones. Very sad ending. Keep your friend far away from that area!
beginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 5.
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3rd paragraph "I couldn't see you face", needs to be your. That is the only grammar/spelling mistake I found.
Now onto the meaty part of the story, GOOD STUFF. I really like the way this story flows and how it ends is so sad. Seriously, take your friends stockings and throw them away in a dumpster that she can't find!! -
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Thanks for pointing out my error, I am crap at reading those for what they are and not just what I see in my head, thanks muchly.
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wow, you really dreamt this.
Nicely writen though,good job. -
Very interesting. Short, but interesting. I like how you describe the dream; where you know things you can't see, such as the cuts and bruises. It adds a realistic touch, because that's really how dreams go. I've had dreams where I've seen things (such as the cuts and bruises) that I shouldn't have because of where the thing or person is placed in the dream so I can relate to that.
The flow was good. It was creative. The narrator's voice was intriguing. There really isn't much else to say, sadly, because it was so short, but over all, good job.
P.S. I highly doubt anything will happen to your friend. Don't worry about it. -
The last paragraph was really strange, but I still enjoyed it like I enjoyed the entire piece of writing. I think the flow and grammar was really good, too. I think the spelling and punctuation was really good, as well.
I still think that you should make this story longer, with more depth and stuff, as well. That would make it even better.
Keep up the great work! -
seems like you dreamt about a friend dying or you thought they were dead.I dont know
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very expressive and good
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Very emotional... and very disturbing. I really think maybe some of the disturbing parts should either be taken out, or your should note in your categories or notes that it's disturbing.
Your storyline and plot are good, and I vaguely understand it.
Apart from the bad stuff, very good job. I really like your descriptions.
beginning: 2, language: 3, plot: 5, ending: 3, characters: 5.
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Thanks, I will rate it so, I always forget to rate it.
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WAS THIS BASED ON UR FRIEND- WELL I LOVED IT- I LOVE THE WAY U USE MYTHICAL CREATURES
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It is, sometimes she calls herself pixie, I hope it doesn't come true though.
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