Chapter 1- Just Artemis (Revised)

And there they stood, man and horse, silhouetted against the rising sun. A gentle breeze ruffled his hair, throwing his raven locks carelessly aside revealing his handsome features. Sunlight cascaded into the valley, its refreshing golden glow pooling in the holes and flowing over the soft hills, illuminating all the imperfections of the earth below.  A small town was situated at the far end of the valley, but the life- giving light of sun had not yet revived its inhabitants from their periodic slumber. His horse, a proud stallion, as black as his owner’s hair, whinnied his soft approval of the valley below. And with that, he had surveyed the land, the man reined him in and urged him to begin the steep descent.

As they made their way down the virtually untouched cliff- face, weaving in between stray boulders, the man realised how tedious a job it must be to navigate these cliffs on a regular basis as either gypsies or simple tradesmen. He could imagine the caravans swaying precariously as they made their way through the obstacles, the horses buckling under their heavy loads and the men shouting encouragement until hey reached the relief of the slope. He himself knew how hard it was to calm his own horse whenever there was a slight sign of danger or unease. He looked above him and spied an eagle, lazily rising and falling with the air thermals above, beady eyes fixed unblinkingly on the green fields below where its prey resided. He marvelled at its concentration, unwavering, though it was jostled about by the unpredictable currents of the air. He wished he could concentrate like that, fully on the present moment, but his mind often wandered and was impossible to harness constructively. Even now his thoughts swirled, jumbled in his head. All of a sudden, he was jolted unceremoniously out of his thought induced stupor and was rather startled to find himself in an open field in the valley.

From above on the precipice, the valley had looked picturesque, like an oil painting, but from here he could not help but feel he was trapped, with the foreboding rock faces glaring down upon him, watching his every move. His horse nickered gently, and tentatively stepped into the full brilliance of the sun.

“Thanks Rainshine,” he murmured gruffly, stroking the soft black coat of his horse’s neck affectionately.

He shook the long curtains of hair from his eyes so that he could see in the glare of the sun. Locals who where working the surrounding fields were staring avidly at the stranger in their midst as he rode slowly down the trail that led into the village. Obviously in the time it had taken to descend the mountain, the locals had woken up and started their work for the day. The man had an exuding persona of mystery and awe and the locals were slightly intrigued yet intimidated by this quality. The fields shrank away as sparse housing fought for dominance of the road edge. The trail also became a wider but still meagre road. As he neared the edge of the village the ‘road’ became congested with horses and carts who bore the items bound for today’s trade. Upon entering the town, people bustled around and jostled and Rainshine forward. Traders hoping to make a quick sale pestered wandering citizens with their best offers and items; none however daring to disturb or bother the lone traveller who seemed to be stranded on his horse among the seas of people- the other horses had long since dissipated, a wise decision it appeared by their owners. Just a little further into the mass of people, he gave up, dismounted, and continued forward at an only slightly better pace. A boy who the stranger had noticed eyeing him for awhile finally approached him.

“ Please sir,” he said in a meek voice, “ My name is Thomas, son of Joshua. What kind of horse is that?”

“How does it concern you? It is a large and confusing task dabbling in the species of an animal of which there are infinite varieties and variations, especially in a noble breed such as the horse.”

“I…I am training to become a doctor, to help animals. And as there are many varieties of horse around these parts, it is fitting to learn their varieties. I have rather a considerable amount of experience but I have never seen such a magnificent specimen as your horse. By the way, what’s your name?”

“I know not of my horse’s origin. But I have heard of these so called ‘animal doctors’. Veterinarians, are they not?”
The boy nodded quickly.

“As for the name of my horse, his name is Rainshine. And I am Artemis, just Artemis.”

And with that Artemis mounted his horse and began the way to the other side of the city, not looking back and so not seeing the boy still staring contentedly after him.

“I hope we meet again, Just Artemis,” murmured Thomas, quietly under his breath.

A contest entry

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  • skye01 gold member
    December 6, 2007
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    Good descriptions and holds my attention. Please write more to complete answers about Artemis mysterious visit and his relationship with Joshua. I' m not a good proof reader as the words play like a movie in my head so I see only the whole picture and not any grammer mistakes.

  • sarahhitch
    August 19, 2007
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    Hi there

    I enjoyed this and can tell you have worked on it, after reading this you wonder why he is there and why he is there, so yes more chapters are needed, the reader is left with question.

    I would advise againsn't starting sentences with And, also I would never start the whole story with and.

    Sarahhitch

    beginning: 3, language: 3, plot: 3, ending: 3, dialog: 3, characters: 3.


  • six of diamonds
    August 18, 2007

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    In the first paragraph you have two different sentences that start with "And", you might want to change those, especially since it is right in the beginning.

    When you hyphenate words, like cliff-face, there is no space after the hyphen.

    spell check

    staring avidly (do you know what avid means? try looking it up)

    people bustled around and jostled and Rainshine forward (doesn't make sense, awkward)

    traveller-->traveler

    among the seas of people-->amongst

    OK, all the nit-picking aside, I liked this beginning well enough to read on...

    Good job!


  • asthray.heart
    August 18, 2007

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    Okay let me say, firstly, the description in this short peice is astounding and you have a rather magnificent way with words. Its magical the way they seem to meld together and form a sentence and raise the description from the page.

    Okay with the praise on that out of the way, let us get to the parts that could use some improvement.

    The sentencing needs to be made into smaller paragrahs, the block form is rather off putting in some places, making it a little hard to read, throwing you off.

    More comma's might be helpful as well, breaking up the longer sentences were appropriate. Spelling though seems to be intact, a few mistakes here and there, but they are little and of small importance.

    This has mystery, and definite promise for forcoming parts after this one. It was a marvelous read and I enjoyed immensely.

    I must thank you for entering, and hope you go in with this and let me know when there is more up, I would much like to read on with Artemis and see where he goes and why he is known as just Artemis.

    Thank you, and goodluck,

    ~Lady Madeline.