The Strength Needed

The Strength Needed1

She was scared.  Her world within the last twelve hours was flipped upside down.  When going for a regular checkup she never expected to hear this.  He had said it so calmly that it made her sick, as she sat in the waiting room she didn’t know what to expect anymore and she cherished her life more than ever.2

“Anslee,” called the nurse, “the doctor will see you now.”  As she stood up fear over took her every thought and she started crying.  The nurse trying to comfort her said, “Cancer usually goes into remission.  Don’t worry you’ll be fine.”3

She walked back to the doctor’s room and he was waiting for her.  “Well,” said Dr. Brolinson, “I know I sprung it on you really fast but you’ve had time to cope.”  She cringed at the thought of him saying that she should be able to cope by now.  There was a possibility that she would die and she should be able to cope?  She looked him up and down loathing every part of him, from his dirty blond hair to his dark brown eyes and square jaw.  She wanted to scream at him, yell at him, do something so he would start to understand her, but she didn’t know how.  “We have to talk about your options.”  He continued in an almost mocking manner that made her even angrier.4

She said calmly twirling her long brown hair around her delicate fingers with tears welling up inside her bright brown eyes, “What is there that I can do?  It’s cancer.  I’ll probably die from it anyways.”5

He looked at her shocked and corrected her, “You do not have to die.  You can go through chemotherapy or take medicine which works over 75% of the time.”6

She hated the fact that he was lying to her.  She knew chemotherapy made you weak she had read it in a magazine out in the waiting room and she couldn’t afford that not with her husband out of work and her mother sick in the hospital.  “What side effects does the drug have?  Will it make me weak and tired all the time?” 7

He responded, “Most people that were tested showed signs of weakness,” she cringed at the thought and almost started to cry again, “but over 25% who had a reason to be active, for loved ones or for themselves or the community, were still able to continue on with their daily lives and only be a little more tired than usual.  But remember we aren’t even 100% sure you have cancer it is just a possibility and if you do, the drug might not be for you.”8

She grew angrier, “What do you mean you aren’t 100% sure?  You told me I have cancer.  Why if I may not have cancer did you tell me I did?”  He sat back and stared at her.  She had a sudden urge to slap him but held back knowing she had to stay calm and wait for his answer. 9

“We have to do a few more blood tests to be sure.  So you may or may not have cancer but if you do we will do everything we can to make sure you will be OK.”  10

More blood tests?  She hated needles but she had to know.  11

If there was any hope left it was within this doctor’s hands and she felt completely helpless.  “When will I have to come in for the blood tests?  When will the results be back?”12

He looked at her and said “We can do them right now but the results won’t be back for another hour or so.”  13

An hour? Could she wait that long? Before telling anyone that she might have cancer, she had to know for sure.  “I’m ready.”  She said with only a slight waiver in her voice, “Let’s get this over with and get the results back as soon as possible if you would please.”  He smiled for the first time all session, she hated him for it, it was a mocking smile towards her and she just wanted to strangle him at this point. 14

An hour later she was still sitting in the doctor’s office.  She had been praying it would come back that she was fine, but had almost no hope and dreaded the time when Dr. Brolinson came in with the results.  Her mother had been through this almost a year ago and she couldn’t bear it.  She just wanted to run and hide.  But where would she go?  She had to find out and be as strong as possible, for her family’s sake.15

Just as she thought that, he entered, sat down at his desk and looked her in the eyes.  “Well the results are in.”  She sat on the end of her chair praying and almost cried again.  “Now remember no matter what the results the outcome will be the same.  You will still live a normal life and you will be fine.”16

She was terrified it sounded as if he already knew that she had cancer.  “What are the results, doctor?”  She said sheepishly wondering if everything would be OK.  He looked at the paper then back at her.  17

At this time the nurse ran in and said, “You’re next patient is waiting.”  18

Saying thank you he continued on and the look on his face was neutral meaning to her the results could go either way.  “You have cancer.”  19

She sank back into her chair. Every emotion she could possibly feel ran through her, had he said she had cancer?  It couldn’t be true.  Could it?  Feeling helpless, she cried.  She thought over her options chemotherapy or pills.  Well considering the two, the pills sounded easier than chemo. 20

Interrupting her thoughts, Dr. Brolinson broke in, “You do have cancer, but it is in the first stage it can go into remission faster if we do chemo.  The pills will take longer though.  But the choice is yours.”  Turning this over and over for a few minutes, she decided to take the pills.  Telling him he went and got a few test pills he had and filled out a prescription.  As she left the doctor’s office that day driving to the pharmacy she looked around at all the people, young and old, living their lives normally with not a care like hers in the world.  She almost started crying but then she thought of her family, she wondered how she would tell them without crying herself.  She didn’t know where she would find the strength but she had to, she just had to.21