My Little Angel

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I caressed his soft skin, cupping him into a cradle of my arms. He was warm to the touch, gentle and delicate. Tears came to my eyes unbidden. I could feel them tracing a stain across my cheek. I did not care. I was in a different place. There was no sadness there. No empty, hopeless grief. Just me and my little angel.  3

I was in some timeless place, encaptured in a memory. 4

Just me and my angel. Suspended in cosmos, his soft form pressing into mine.

I pried his eyes open, hoping to see some silent, subdued light. A twinkle or starlet of life. They were blue, etched with strings of an emerald green. Greener than garden grass. Bluer than forget-me-nots; shades of an azure tinge.5

I could sense people staring. Eyes both kind and pitying stared into me. Jealous eyes too. It seemed impossible. Could they not see what I could see? Feel what I could feel?6

His skin was pink and winkled. Such a beautiful baby, I thought. I curled my fingers around his tiny ones, squeezing them, wishing they would squeeze back. I thought I felt something in my ears. 7

A whisper sounding. Only for my ears.8

Mama.9

Yes, baby.10

Mama.11

Strong hands wrapped around me, gently tearing me apart from my child. I saw too intenseeyes, brimming with tears. A man. My man. I smiled at him, let him touch my child's little feet. His little toes. The man stifled a sob. 12

Then, the man motioned towards a woman and she approached me, attempting to take hold of the petite stature. A stern woman. The baby was so gentle, so sweet; I did not want him in her hands. She would break him.13

Yet, she pried the stillborn boy from my hands, turning her back towards me and making towards the door. 14

I just stared.15

Someone grabbed my shoulders and pulled me into a hug.16

I did not feel the compassion.17

I was in a good place.18

As the baby and the woman disappeared behind the glass door, I thought I heard him whisper once again. 19

Mama.20

Yes, baby.21

No answer now. Just an empty silence. 22

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Author notes

For Marisalyn and hdysl:
I picked My Immortal by Evanescence

This is also a sadder version of MIRACLE by Celine Dion


In a list

A contest entry

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Comments

1 - 59 of 59

  • boisterousMidnight
    November 2
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    I feel like crying for you.
    It's totally brill and sooooooo sad.


  • Lets Roll In Glitte
    September 4

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    Very sad.
    But I truly enjoyed every minute of reading this piece.

    Thanks for entering and good luck!


  • Toxic Valentine
    September 1

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    This was indeed sad. That would be very difficult to have to lose a child. This was short...but effective. Just by how you described the mother holding her baby described how sad she was. I really enjoyed this story. Thank you for entering.


  • ELFgirl12
    August 30

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    :(

    Awwwww....thats soooo sad . It was really good though....great description and emotion and, guess what? i cried. so, brownie points! again, great job.

    -Ellie (Rae)


  • andhearts. ox
    August 30
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    Delightful

    Brownie points: 0
    Best of luck!
    Tori!


  • Clary-SeleneGangsta gold member
    August 27
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    Finalistttt!


  • MorbidGarden
    August 26

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    oh, wow...a tear jerker this is...so very sad it leaves me feeling hollow with is few paragraphs....good luck with this one...if the contest holder wants saddness, you're sure to win gold


  • eirini
    August 24

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    I probably sound sexist but shit I didn't think a dude could write like that, specially with that subject. Very admirable.

    beginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 5.


  • Farhan gold member
    August 24

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    It was sooooooooo nice!!!!

    It made me very sad. You are a wizard Asfand. Literally a wizard. You charm the readers with your great writing. The story was however a short one, but was beautifully written. and it was a perfect master piece. And it is not the first time that you have charmed me with your impressive writing. You are the same always.
    Good luck with your future writing.

    beginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 4, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 4.


  • lavanya
    August 18

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    wonderfully sad story Asfend i lve the discription of little baby and it amazed me that it is written by a man...well done dear. keep writing and good luck.


  • Clary-SeleneGangsta gold member
    August 18

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    Exactly what I was lookin for!


  • TryMeLOL
    August 15

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    I'm in love with your stories.
    What a perfect peice !!
    I wish I could write like you too !!
    You have such an amazing way with words !!

  • volleym
    August 15

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    I really like this,it had a lot of emotion in it. I wish there was a little bit more to this, but it was still good.


  • Lia-Lily
    August 10

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    Asfand-

    The emotions that control this piece are beautiful! A reader must be able to feel the essance of the character, and you gave the reader so much...the reacher had to feel terrible for the character.

    No glaring erros stare straight out at me while reading this piece, only that some people do not understand this...so, you should probably clear it up in the AN. (Readers often are frustrated by the fact they cannot piece together a write)

    Good luck in your future writing career,
    Lily.

  • leolord5235
    August 9
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    I don't get it, this isn't a romance story to me. It was a good story, but now for this contest


    • Asfand
      August 9
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      Love story can also be taken in context of love between a m0other and child ...

  • rustic
    August 9
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    it didn't make me sad

    but it was powerful and a great read


  • UsagiDreams
    August 9

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    Very well-written, you got the denial of the woman's emotions correct. I feel that you should perhaps keep working on it, however. Also you made a typing error in the story: "intenseeyes" which should be "intense eyes". Good luck in the contest.


  • poison-ivy-girl
    July 29

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    This is very well written. It brought tears to me eyes and sent a shiver down my spine. You put a lot of emotion into it, and it turned out very well. Great job.


  • Aqua-Chan
    July 28

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    This is so sad! I cannot possibly say how bad or awful this is! It's descriptive and very emotional. Simply amazing.

    Good luck in my contest!

    ~Aqua


  • demonkitty
    July 27
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    awwwww ~sadness~


  • CantYouHearTheDrums
    July 25
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    Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!!!! (now I'm crying) Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!!!!! (sniff)


  • CallMeWhenUrRich gold member
    July 25

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    This made me want to cry...

    Beautiful and emotional. I think that's the best I could come up with, yes, I know it's not very good.

    I love the wonderful imagery of the little baby, of how beautiful and fragile he was. You did amazing once again, Asfand.

    Well done.


  • Andiness
    July 23

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    Wow...I don't cry easily from stories and I didn't here but it was very close. I was sitting there, just knowing what was happening and telling ymself "No! That can't happen!" At the same time.
    -Andi


  • Lady Pixie Greeters member
    July 22

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    this brought tears to my eyes instantly as it made me think of my own stillborn child I had almost 7 years ago. It's extremely emotional.. yet, without a lot of description to muddle up the page. I did love the descriptions you used for the scene, though. You conveyed the sadness through your words astoundingly. Thank you for writing this wonderful yet sad piece.

    I did catch a couple small errors and will point them out if you choose to revise:

    p7:His skin was pink and [winkled]. wrinkled

    p12:I saw too [intenseeyes], brimming with tears. intense eyes

    That was all I caught Well written and powerful, short write. Job well done.


  • Crys Moro
    July 21

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    Very sad and touching piece! The grieving of a mother is something inexplicable, yet you were able to capture the feeling and express it in words, great job.


  • whoudini
    July 13

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    You did This very well and thanks although I enjoyed it , it was

    very sad and you put descriptions in this and very well done, I could almost feel the emotion as the child was taken away. Will look for more of your work thanks again.


  • Visions to Ponder
    July 10

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    This was good, but really really sad. I loved how you described the baby's eyes, I was taken on the journey that your readers should be on whenever they read one of your stories. Great job.


  • andhearts. ox
    July 10
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    Well odne !


  • andhearts. ox
    July 9
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    Great. I loved this. Good luck in my contest


  • Glitflyer
    July 5
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    You did it reaaly well.. One of the stories that made me actually wanna cry.. Great great job


  • Amicus2K9
    July 4

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    Well done!

    A difficult subject to write about and you did it well,congratulations on the Silver.

    I tried this same subject some time ago, in poem for, perhaps you have seen it: http://allpoetry.com/poem/1324546

    Thank you for the visit and the comment.

    Amicus


  • Neviah-Hatake
    July 4

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    SO GOOD

    I'm crying. That was so sweet. Good job! You're one of the greatest writers I've seen on here. I'm not lying. I love your stories! Keep up the good work!

    love,
    Neviah! (:


  • amanda vampiress silver member
    July 1

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    This is another entry that made me contemplate things. I thought your story could have had quite a few different meanings. I really enjoyed reading this piece of writing, even though it made me a bit sad; but that is good since it evoked emotions within me. You have very good word usage and you used that to enrich your story. This was a lovely read and I'm glad that you entered it into my contest! Good luck!


  • Le Masquerade silver member
    June 26

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    That really made me want too cry...Okay you did make me cry... that was really beautiful and full of descriptive writting! excelent job and good luck in my competition!


  • iDifferent-
    June 21

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    This story was amazing. It made me feel warm and fuzzy on the inside. I'm glad you wrote this. I think that stories with such feeling as this one had deserve good awards.

    Please continue writing,
    RayneFall


  • Araxia13
    June 18

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    Beautiful

    This story is so powerful, and the use of descriptive words makes it really flowing and gentle. Love it!


  • Kari gold member
    June 16

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    This sent chills. The ending is mixed with emotions but mainly sad. You can really feel the love between the two.

    Well done on your silver.


    Kari

    beginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 5.


  • Prodigious.Mirth gold member
    December 25, 2007

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    SWEET...."MAMA"..... I THINK THIS WAS CHILLING IN MY MIND WITH LOVE, SO HEART WRENCHING

    love blair *_* keep it up...brilliance unmasked

  • F a t i m a
    December 4, 2007

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    GosH! asfand this is sooooo grrreat man!...totally a stellar write!...you rrrreally rock yaar!....and you know I got it print (lol)...funny na!xD....but yaar I really loooouuu-ve it! - just wooow!


  • callthexylophone
    October 6, 2007

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    I liked everything except the use of the word "luscious," because that word brings to mind buxom women or rich foods, and not a beautiful baby. A very very sweet and sad story.


  • hey incendiary
    October 3, 2007

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    Well, it was perhaps a little indulgent in "advanced" words. Remember that it is only safe to use a collegiates vocabulary frequently when you are amongst collegiates. Powerful stuff, though.

  • Ankita DG
    September 20, 2007

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    Beautiful. A very cliche story told in a astonishingly beautiful way. You have a good grip on language and the way you weave your words is phenomenal. Great job! Congrats on the trophy, you were truly deserving.

    Do keep writing.
    Ankita


  • Mallig
    September 16, 2007
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    This is heartbreaking, great job on this very difficult topic.


  • DuchessAura of Brie silver member
    September 15, 2007

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    Wow...this almost made me cry. So amazing. Thanks so much for this entry =) Its very sad.. . I feel the words you used to describe everything was perfect, this story really did make me want to cry.


    • Asfand
      September 16, 2007
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      oh, thanks for the silver!!! thanks for you comment too! I'm glad you liked it!

  • Honeysuckel
    September 14, 2007

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    Beautiful

    The way you captured emotins was right on, amlost cryed because I lost a cousin that way and everything. but wow it was amazing.

    beginning: 2, language: 3, plot: 3, ending: 3, dialog: 2, characters: 4.


  • potaytee
    September 11, 2007
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    Wow

    That is so amazing. So much description. I really liked that

  • Rache
    September 11, 2007
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    i LIked it


  • NotTheDroids
    September 11, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    I almost broke my heart - never lost a child to stillbirth, but lost a nephew and godson to cot death. Feelings were very similar across the whole family, but you describe the mum's feelings perfectly.


  • playjazz67
    September 11, 2007
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    Beautifully done. The emotional pull is terrific here, the fact this being a still born child quite evident yet the scene so compelling.

    Who knows, maybe the name was called out and only that one special person could hear?

    Jim


  • Miss Hanako Cullen
    September 8, 2007

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    This Was Beautiful

    I loved this so much! It's very sad, but you feel the mother's heart as she thinks about her baby. This baby she carried for so long and now to have it, only to lose it. I really felt her emotion, and I felt how sad she was.

    This story made the baby look so angelic. Instead of writing about the death of the baby, you chose to portray those last moments of the Mother and Child with each other, as something beautiful. And you ultimatly sent the silent message that all babies are miracles.

    Wonderful Job as Usual! lol.

    beginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 5.

  • sarahhitch
    September 8, 2007
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    NIce job!

    I have to admit when you begin to read this piece you know the child in her arms is dead, how at first your not sure. Then it becomes clear she has given birth to a still born baby.

    Nice job, pulled on all the right heart strings and a pleasure to read and review.

    Sarah.

    beginning: 3, language: 3, plot: 3, ending: 3, dialog: 3, characters: 3.


  • eyeambaldman
    September 7, 2007

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    Excellent piece of writing...full of emotion and pain. Yes you do change the pronouns and it is a bit awkward. Possibly fix that and you have an excellent piece. Nice job!


  • Saej silver member
    September 7, 2007

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    wow. That was intense. Good job, Asfand.

    There were a couple places where the narrator broke the appearance of thinking of the angel as a 'him' when she referred to him as an 'it'. I don't know if that completely made sense, but it did in my head before I typed it out, so either you understood it or you didn't.

    I likes this piece. Nice job, once again. Your writing style is captivating.


    • Asfand
      September 8, 2007
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      ah, i notice the mistake now, a rather pesky one! thanks for the headsup Saej!

      *goes of to edit*


  • Lethal Contessa
    August 17, 2007
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    This is so touching, and yes, tearing a child away from their mother is very cruel. Your passion and love for this really exceeds the limits of morality, yet you just express every feeling of life you have in this wonderful story. Good job, and keep up the good work!

    beginning: 5, ending: 5.


  • Siby Anan
    August 16, 2007

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    Tearing a child away from their mother is just cruel! And you totally had all the emotion coming through perfectly. It was so sad and bittersweet ^^ Great work and good luck in the contest


  • I Dare to Dream
    August 16, 2007

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    Awwww, this is heart breaking and gut wrenching to me. But how beautiful, you could FEEL the love and emotion in this, AMAZING work here Asfand!

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