A heartfelt explanation

Sarah walked into the room to see Mat sitting on the couch of his home staring blankly at the wall opposite. She came over with a concerned expression and sat down next to her boyfriend. He did not move or even flinch as the weight adjusted in the couch. Sarah knew something was very wrong and he was upset. She kissed his temple and looked into his expressionless face.

“You know I love you, right?”She said trying to keep her voice calm. Mat nodded but did not show any expression. “What's wrong?” She persisted. This silence was a stark contrast to his usual jubilant nature. He just released a breath that he seemed to be holding for hours. “What happened?” Sarah's voice was quivering now under the worry and strain.

“It's Cali.” Mat said in such a low whisper that it was almost inaudible. He groaned and ran his fingers through his hair as he lowered his head to rest them on his hand which were propped up on his knees. Sarah took a deep almost gasping breath.

“Cali?” The mention of his sister that she had never met sent shivers down her spine. She had only heard the name mentioned twice in the two years that she had known Mat and eight months that they had dated. “But I thought you said-”

“Yea she ran off and never told us if she was alive or dead.” Mat's voice had a bite in it that Sarah knew was not meant for her but it still stung. He looked up into her hurt eyes and the anger melted from his expression. “I'm sorry, it's just...” He trailed off as he lowered his head into his hands again. Sarah took a deep breath and shook off the affront to continue her questions.

“So did she come back?” She held a breath and waited for an answer. Mat tensed before he answered.

“Yes, last night.” Admitting it seemed to make it more real and he sunk into his grief. Sarah was still confused. If it was a prodigal daughter she thought Mat would be happy, unless there was more to it, which she was sure there was.

“So why are we having such a depressing conversation if your long lost sister has returned.” Sarah tried to lighten the mood and intently regretted it. He flared up and looked at her with hurt, anger and anxiety.

“It's complicated!” He shouted like caged animal. Sarah instantly backed up on the couch but Mat calmed down and returned to his depressed position. There was something eating at him and she knew it. She just wished he would tell her. She moved closer and put a gentle hand on his shoulder as she continued.

“Why is it complicated?” Her voice was calm and low in an effort to sooth his obvious fear. His breath became labored as she watched emotions stir in his hollow eyes when he looked up. “Just tell me, I can help you.” Sarah's voice was barely above a whisper.

“She came home last night and...”His voice trailed off as he choked back emotion. “And she was not happy at all to see anyone. I mean mom was crying and we were all so happy to see her but she did not say a word until mom ushered her into the kitchen.”Mat swallowed and looked at the ceiling as he let out an agonized breath. “She... She told us... She told us that she had cancer.” Sarah gasped and Mat leaned over with agonized panting breaths. He started muttering words that she could barely understand like cancer, irreversible, six months, no treatment.

Sarah covered her mouth as a whimper escaped and she felt a trail of salty tears coming down her cheeks. With her other hand she tried to sooth Mat until his retching sobs died down and he looked up at her with blood shot eyes.

“You know what?” He said on the verge of breaking down again but he did not wait for her answer. “When she got home, I was mad. I was mad at her for leaving and then deciding when to crawl back into our lives. I was angry because mom and dad paid her more attention in five minutes than they have given me in two years. I hate her.” His strong voice started to crack as his feelings came out in the open for most likely the first time.

“I hate her so much and she's going to die. She's going to die and I don't care what she says because made my life a living hell when she was gone. All I ever got from our parents was: 'If Cali were here it would be different.', 'I wish you were more like your sister.', or 'Why did we ever have another child when no one could measure up to what Cali was.'.” Mat groaned and pounded his fists into the couch as he stared at the ceiling with earnest.

Sarah's face was damp with tears that refused to stop as she watched with a breaking heart. All she could do was listen to his agony while she secretly wished she could do more. Her lip quivered as his anger and guilt filled the small dark room.

“What if I can't stop being angry at her? What if she dies before I can talk to her? I will never see her again and all it will be was a never ending fight.” His dark brown eyes searched Sarah's eyes as if she held all the answers and he waited for them. It ripped her heart in half to see him so sincerely lost.

“Then stop. Forgive her, cherish what time you have left. Don't waste time that you don't have.” She said through her tears. She wanted with all her heart to guide him back to light and out of the black pit he was in. “And even if you lose that time and she passes on, you will see her again.” The words seemed to flow from her mouth as if they were not her own. “We will see all those we love again if we live a good enough life to deserve it.

“We weren't put on this earth to live, love and die to just move on to a dark unknown with endless sorrow. We are supposed to be happy, God wants us to be happy.” A warm chill ran down Sarah's spine. Mat looked up at her like she was his lifeline in a storm. The word that erupted from her tongue were not hers but she knew they were true with out a doubt in the world. “The plan God has made for us is that of happiness not of sorrow and grief.”

Mat's eyes turned cold with deep doubt. “If He wants us to be happy then why does this happen? Why would he want us to feel this way?” His mistrust was rooted in the fear, grief and anger of his current situation and Sarah knew it.

“Because he loves us.” She replied with a sincerity that was impossible to deny. Though his eyes showed confusion and disbelief. So she continued to explain. “Why do parents let a baby fall when learning to walk? So that they can learn to stand. If our lives were easy or if a parent held us for our whole lives, we would never learn or grow or be happy.

“Trials strengthen us and help us become strong and so God gives them to us because he loves us with all his heart.” A sensation Sarah had never fully experienced before washed over her with such force that it was all she could do to not laugh with joy. She knew beyond a doubt that she was being a mouth piece for the lord.

“Why would God, the creator of the universe, love me?” Mat's tone was harsh and cold but she continued on.

“Does a parent love it's child? Such is the lord because his is quite literally our father that lives in heaven. He not only created the universe but he created us, every single one of us. And he knows us individually and loves us with such passion that he would raise heaven and earth if he could to save us.” A calm settled over the room even though Mat looked as if to ask another harsh question.

“Then why doesn't he?” His voice was not mean or condescending but low, calm and hallowed.

“Because his is not only bound by his love for us but also by justice. He is a just and honest God. He must serve justice as well as his word. He must let us also make our own choices and our own consequences. If it was not so we would never be able to be happy for with out pain there is no joy. We must stumble along the road of life or we will never be able to become like him.

“God wants us to have a perfect life and to feel no pain but he knows that would be cruel in the long run so he puts obstacles in our path but he only puts them there if he knows you can climb over them. He would never give you a task you could not accomplish. Even if it seems too much for you he will help you if you just ask.”

“How do you ask for help?” Mat was enraptured and a light shone in his eyes that Sarah had never seen there before. It made her eyes fill with tears at how accepting and willing to learn he was being.

“You pray. You don't resist some prayer that you think he wants to hear, you just open your heart and talk to him. You tell him of your pain and ask him to help you through it. And he will always help you if you are sincere. 'Ask and it shall be given, Knock and it shall be opened unto you.' He will listen, and He will help.” A warm silence filled the room as Sarah ceased talking. She stared through tear filled eyes into Mat's which were just as misty.

“Thank you.” Was all he could say as he leaned into to embrace her. His heart which had been black with anger just an hour before was now light with joy and happiness. They sat there on that couch for what seemed like an eternity just absorbing each other's pain and replacing it with unconditional love and strength that came from knowledge of the gospel.