A four year old wanders around a series of corridors lost, lonely and confused.
“Mom, Mommy!” She yells occasionally. The four year old starts crying, she’s alone and scared. Stopping she sits down in the middle of the corridor and covers her eyes as if she did it would make her mommy appear. The corridors all look the same, army green walls with blood red doors and stained red carpet.
The girl starts to rock herself back and forth. “I want my mommy.” She sobs and her voice echoes through the lonely and deserted corridors.
“I can help you, Emily.” A grisly voice rasps out and the little girl looks up, sniffling.
“F-Find my mommy?” The four year old questions as she wipes her eyes and stares at the man intently.
The man says nothing more as he turns away and starts down the hall. Emily hesitates for a moment, watching the man disappear.
“Mister,” she calls. “Mister wait!” Getting up Emily starts toward the end of the hallway where the man had disappeared. When she reaches the end of the corridor she places her hand on the wall, feeling for a secret passage way.
“Emily…”Something whispers behind her and she recognizes the voice.
“Mister.” She says, turning around. “Mister where did you go?”
“Room number 8 Emily.” The grisly voice whispers. Slowly Emily starts toward room number 8, when she reaches it she stops. Emily stares hard at the door trying to decide whether or not to go in. Emily’s mommy had told her not to talk to strangers, but then again, that man wasn’t a stranger. After all he did know her name. Just as Emily was about to reach for the door knob, the door opened slowly with a creek. When the door was open fully Emily peered inside and screamed at what she saw. Laying on the bed was her mommy, legs dangling over the edge and her head turned towards the door, eyes open but glazed over, staring at Emily.
“Emily..” She hears her name, but doesn’t turn around. “Emily…Emily….Emily wake up!!”
She feels herself being shook and she shoots up in bed, realizing it was just a horrible dream. The same horrible dream she’d been having since it happened ten years ago.
Author notes
I picked this topic because I had part of this written but I didn't know where to take it. Reading through the rules it gave me an idea.
A contest entry
- Displaying Creativity- The Beginnings Of Greatness by Miss Hanako Cullen.
180 points, ended August 29, 2007, 15 entries
Honorable mention
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - Scary Stories/Poems by loyda.
320 points, ended February 26, 2008, 15 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - H is for HORROR by Intoxica.
300 points, ended July 18, 12 entries
Silver trophy winner
• next story in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 6 of 6
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GREAT!
This story was perfect for my contest. I like brief and interesting. I liked this.
Especially the end.
I do feel you could have put a little more effort into capturing Emily's fear, though.
And present tense...brave choice! Something that I would not dare attempt...But then i get my tenses mixed up all the time.
Anyway back to you...
Again, marvellous ending.
Really, really great ending.
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oooooh, it was very scary!
i liked the ending. -
amazing. I love how you fit the story together with past and present. You're words were smooth, and inviting, making everything seem alright, but they had an edge, leading one to beleive there is another agenda.
Great work, keep it up
Bye
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Hmm, very interesting. I loved the twist at the end, where you find it's just a dream, yet, not just any dream, a dream about something that really happened. Wonderful. I loved it. Nicely done. Good luck in the contest. God Bless!
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Very Good
Very cool, I liked how you took this one. lol. It almost made me sad, but it was so horrific too. I would have loved for you to expand on the death of Emily's mother, but how can you with only 500 words! lol.
Good Job!
beginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 5.
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Such a sad write, and kind of horrific. I think you did a good job on writing this and it's really emotional. How old's the girl supposed to be, anyway?
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