Part One: The Realm of Monsters2
INTRODUCTION3
(What once was and may never will be)4
In this world prejudice and tyranny grip the land like an iron fist. The land was once ripe and fertile, but now all has turned grim and gray. The air used to smell of salt from the ocean, of mint and pine from the dense forest, and the smell of the morning dew could wake the senses. 5
Now the air smells of nothing but rotting death as if the whole land were dying. The ocean was once blue and the sound of waves crashing gently against the rocks was like the very sound of tranquility. Now the water is black as death and just as calm. 6
The night’s sky was once filled with a million diamonds that shinned so bright they stung the eyes with unyielding beauty. Now only shadows loom overhead casting over the world with its darkness and desolation. Mountains stood so high with their snowcapped peaks you could have sworn that they were a place of gods. Now the mountains seemed to crumble away and a fortress of iron stands in their place.7
There was once a kingdom where all who lived there felt at peace with each other and them selves, and the spirits of the earth lived among them, ever giving ever caring. Now there is only fear and hate, and the spirits of the earth have turned away and died, turning hope into nothing more than a glimmer of the faintest flame about to be extinguished at any moment. A world of beauty has been turned into the realm of monsters. 8
Born9
Chapter One10
The night’s sky was blackened with the thick smog that bellowed from the smoke stacks of the iron refinery. Even into the late hours of the evening, the sounds of industrialism echoed off in the distance. The smell of burning coal and molten iron invaded every square inch of the city as the human slaves worked endlessly into the night.11
A thriving industrial outer city complete with electricity sits at the base of Mount Ballah, where near the mountains peak sits a massive fortress built of iron and stone. The castles seven slender towers pierce the smog like a hand reaching out to the stars as it stands overlooking the country of Azterra. For a few brief moments a full moon reveals its self through the smog and shines its radiant light down on the place where most of Azterra’s inhabitants reside, unmasking a different world that lies just beyond the mountain. 12
The inner city, or more commonly referred to as the Slums. In this place of shallow hatred, the weak of soul, and the lost of hope, no one can ignore the feeling of strife and hunger. Adobes line the streets that twist and turn like a labyrinth, each connected to the one next to it by a common wall, some are stacked unevenly on top of one another like a child’s building blocks. Raggedy, worn drapes blow in the wind, letting in the nights chill through the pane-less windows. No building is untouched by the elements, the erratic changes in the seasons lead to massive cracks in the clay and erosion eats away at every edge and corner. 13
A sudden downpour of rain floods the streets with muck and with it the wet stench of filth and rot. The night is a dangerous time for one to wonder the streets, for the monsters of the shadows come out to pray on the weak.14
Deep within the alleys of the slums, a young man lays face up in the muddy streets. He awakens, as if from some unimaginable nightmare, his naked body shivers in the freezing rain as it beats down on him. Slowly, he tries to get to his feet but the mud acts like a vacuum that refuses to release its hold on him. The mud pops as he rolls over onto his stomach, he gets on his hands and knees and begins to stand, but as he puts weight on his legs they buckle from weakness and he goes sprawling back down into the mud.15
The young man hits the ground hard, murky water splashes up into his face and dark colored hair. His head spins in a rage of confusion and nausea as he makes a second attempt to get up. This time he braces himself against the wall of a nearby adobe 16
Slowly his eyes began to adjust to the darkness and black turns to mixed shades of gray. As he approached the end the alley he looks up to see a dark mass staring back at him with a single red eye burning bright like a hot red coal. The young man froze with panic; the dark mass was immense and loomed high over the young man's head. But the dark mass continued to only stand before the young man, staring past him. A few short moments later the dark mass shifted and the red eye walked away from the young man, its heavy footsteps pounding in the mud, shaking the ground like an earthquake.17
Whatever it was, the young man was thankfull it hadn't noticed him, one word echoed through his mind, monster. 18
The young man continued to stand still until the footsteps faded away. Then his head began to swirl about in a daze, he dashed out into the street feeling sick from fear. He fell to his hands and knees and his stomach turned over one last time before he began to vomit.19
Even after the sickness left him, he continued to lie in the street on his belly feeling only a little better. He still could not remember who he was, or where he was really trying to go. His mind felt like it had been broken into a thousand pieces. The harder he tried to pull the shards back together the further they seemed to become scattered apart. He lifted his head up to gaze out in to the street.20
For what seemed like an eternity, not a single soul could be seen in the dark cold empty streets, but the rain had suddenly stopped. The man continued to lay in the mud his head swimming about in a storm of confusion. The buildings surrounding him seem to reach out into the sky with no end, each one twisting on it own foundation and leaning over as if they were staring down at him.21
Each one was as ruinous as the last. Broken stairways, wooden ladders going to rot, torn drapes blowing in the wind showing dark holes in the walls with no windows to keep out the rain. The walls were made of clay and were chipped and cracking in several places revealing the wooden beams that made up the infrastructure of the buildings. 22
Then suddenly the young man noticed a faint light from what seemed to be a torch from across the street. A short husky creature began to approach the young man, eyes shinning bright from the fire of the torch. The creature was wearing a worn woolen cloak and was soaking wet, the hood of the cloak was still dripping water. The creature knelt down next to the young man, removed a blanket from its backpack and placed it over him. The blanket was dry and instantly began to warm the young mans body. 23
“Easy now.” The creature’s wispy voice told him. The young man lifted his head to look at the creature’s face. Its forehead was large and covered in short fur, and its brow sat low over the top of its large round eyes, which were all white and seemed to shine naturally. The creature’s cheeks were wide and plump, and a long hairless snout drooped down giving it a long shaped face with a stringy and frizzled beard. In a way it looked like something with the head of a husky and the body of an ape.24
“W-who, are you?” The young man asked.25
“It's me, Judah. It's alright Born, I’m your friend.”26
“Born. Is that my name?”27
“What’s the matter, can't you remember anything?”28
“Everything is…so...mixed up.” Born said. 29
”It’s going to be ok, Born. Can you stand?”30
”I think so,” Born said as he got up from off his knees.31
”What’s happened to me?” 32
“That is going to have to wait. We need to get going. We have to get back home now. There is no time to explain.”33
Born and Judah made their way back into the alley. Born moved as quickly as he could as he limped along, hanging on Judah’s shoulder.34
”Judah please, tell me what’s going on.” Born pleaded.35
“It’s the Shadow Guard, they’ll be looking for humans like you. You shouldn’t be out here, it’s too dangerous, and if they find you they’ll take you away and put you into slavery or worse. They will kill you.” 36
Humans like me? Born thought, confussed now more than ever. Whatever this place was, it was certainly a place he wasn't welcomed in. He certainly didn't want to find out what the Shadow Guard was, especially if they were like the massive creature he had avoided earlier.37
Off in the distance Born could hear a faint whirling sound and an electrical hum. As Born looked back he saw a light in the sky, shinning down on the slums searching for something, or someone. The moment Born saw the light in the sky, his instincts told him it was in fact the Shadow Guard.38
”Run!” Judah screamed so loud, that his voice cracked39
Judah and Born began sprinting through the street. Slowly the spotlight began to close in on them, the electrical hum was getting louder. Born’s chest was burning as he fought to keep his pace. Unable to continue much longer, Born’s weary eyes scanned through the darkness for some sort of refuge. Just up ahead was a pile of wooden crates and garbage.40
“Judah over there!” Born said as he pointed to the crates hoping it would be enough to conceal them from the light in the sky, which was nearly upon them. Quickly, they changed direction and made their way to take cover just as the light got overhead. Born could hear shouts, the sound of heavy metal feet stomping in the mud, and the clank and rattle of ring mail. He covered his body with a discarded drape and peered through the gaps of the crates.41
“Capture the Humans!” yelled a deep hoarse voice. As the spotlight shinned down directly on top of them, Born noticed three humans running away from the light. 42
“They’re after them.” Born whispered to Judah. 43
“Quiet, don’t talk.” 44
Suddenly a loud bang echoed through the air. Born watched as the humans ran past him. Then long spears began to rain down from the sky. The young boy in the front managed to avoid the first few spears but was struck in the back just below the neck. Blood and bone burst from the exit wound as the spear popped out of his chest and blood splashed down into the mud. The boy was dead before he hit the ground. The second was no younger than Born, he lay in the mud, tugging at a spear that had penetrated through his ankle pinning him to the soft wet ground. 45
“Kya run!” the man screamed. A young girl ran past her fallen friend but was suddenly stopped in her tracks as a steel net wrapped itself around her. She lost her balance and fell down into the mud. The girl franticly struggled to break free, but the harder she tried to escape the more the net tightened around her and began to cut into her flesh. The girl quickly grew exhausted and just laid in the mud, whimpering. 46
A few moments later their pursuers approached. Born couldn’t see their faces but he knew they weren’t human. They were all clad in armor, with helmets with long curved horns. Metal and ring mail clanked together as they walked, their heavy footsteps splashing in the mud. The first walked up to the young man with the spear in his ankle. The guard yanked out the spear with disregard and the young man gave out a short cry of pain just before the guard struck him in the head with the butt of his spear. The girl began to cry uncontrollably but a second guard landed a mailed fist into her jaw to silence her cries. 47
The guards dragged the two unconscious runaways by their feet through the alley, while a third guard dragged the dead boy by the spear that was lodged in his chest. A trail of blood followed as these monsters in iron disappeared into the night. 48
Born and Judah waited till the alleys grew silent before emerging from the crates and trash.49
"Who were they?" Born asked, meaning the humans.50
"I don't know, probably escaped slaves. I'm surprised that they had made it this far into the city. We need to get going or we'll both be joining them."51
"Where are they taking them?"52
"To their graves, let's go."53
Born was only able to take a few steps before the sickness returned, his skin grew pale and his head began to start swirling again. He lost his footing and plummeted to the ground. Judah attempted to catch him but wasn’t fast enough. The world was a cloud of nausea and confusion as Judah stood over him.54
Born could barely hear Judah's voice as he said "No, not again!"55
Then the world faded to black.56
Author notes
I've done a little editing based on the suggestions I gotten from comments, mainly typos and some misspelled words. I'm sure I didn't get everything though, I tend to over look thing whe i read my own work seeing how I read what I MEANT to say rather than what I DID say.
P.S. this story is in a list so if yu enjoyed it, move on to the next chapter
In a list
- Novel Reviewing Group group list • next in list
A contest entry
- Nominate Your Friends by Taylor Renee.
225 points, ended June 19, 2008, 10 entries
Honorable mention
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - First Things First - Writing 101 Group Contest by IrishYndina.
600 points, ended July 9, 2008, 21 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
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i love yor detail
when he hit the ground in the beginning i actually got skin crawls as if i was the one that fell. -
First off, I love the name Born - and it fits so well for someone who has amnesia.
I also love the way you use details that caress all of the five senses - that is one of my favorite things to see in writing! The storyline itself is engaging and asks a lot of questions, which will propel most readers to keep reading. The prologue, though very interesting and a good introduction to the style of the story, doesn't hold much of a hook, though. *shrugs* Maybe it's just me.
Once you start chapter one, you switch tense a couple of times, and sometimes you stick two sentences together as if they were only one sentence. Something to watch for.
Thanks for entering and good luck!
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Despite your many correcting comments, all of which were good and helpful I'm sure, I love this.
I really do.
True, it could be a little better in the grammer sense, but I really don't mind. I love it.
It caught my attention, because of the plot.
I really like it.
Thank you so much for entering, and I wish you the best of luck!
[The adobe abode comment made me laugh.
]
xoxo
-♥-
Tay

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At paragraph 17 you switched tenses from present to past. Try making the whole thing past. It will be easier to write.
This was an interesting beginning. So, I'm thinking this is a post-apocalyptic future? It reminds me a bit of Battlefield Earth by L. Ron Hubbard. I'm moving on to Ch. 2...can't Ch. 5 without reading everthing before it!
--Phil
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Nice work..very descriptive, and very firmly set /7 structured.... the way in which you used language was amazing
very comple, yet simplistic story.. a lot of work I can see has been put into it 
Blair

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I gather you have taken us to a future Earth, or a similar world that is showing the results of long abuse. Always an interesting concept that captivates Science Fiction readers, so if you are able to put a new twist on the idea the story should sell.
That description before the opening is nicely composed, almost lyrical, but your story really begins here with Born. There is a feeling of the action to come; tension and fear, the emotions that draw readers into your created world.
You do a fine job of describing the activities as they happen, painting your characters and detailing the scenes—everything that makes for an exciting read. Born (like that name) and Judah are odd companions and that always intrigues readers.
Giving the slave girl a name of course makes some readers empathize with her, so I hope you plan on bringing her into the story.
Some sentences to look at;
A young man awakens deep within the allies (alleys) of the slums.
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· As he slowly stands, head throbbing, hands and feet bleeding, he tries to remember where he is or (and) how he got there.
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He continues on (,) shivering and feeling confused, his black hair thick with mud and his skin is covered in filth.
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· The young man froze with panic, the dark mass was immense and loomed high over the young mans (man’s) head.
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· A few short moments later the dark mass shifted and the red eye walked away from the young man, it’s (its) heavy footsteps pounding in the mud and (I would remove and) shook the ground like an earthquake. 17 its heavy footsteps pounding in the mud shook the ground like an earthquake. 17
· His mind felt like it had been broken into a thousands (thousand) pieces.
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The creature knelt down next to the young man, removed a blanket from its backpack (and) placed it over the (remove the) him. The blanket was dry and instantly began to warm the young mans (man’s) body. 22
“What’s the matter, can (can’t)you remember anything?”27
”I think so. (,)” Born said as he got up from off his knees.30
Born moved as quickly as he could as he limped along, hanging on Judah’s shoulder.33 (Born limped along as quickly as he could while hanging on to Judah’s shoulder.)
”Please, Judah, tell me what’s going on. (,)” Born pleaded.34
”Run!” Juda (Judah) screamed so loud, that his voice crackled37
· Born’s weary eye’s(eyes) scanned through the darkness for some sort of refuge.
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· to conceal them from the light in the sky (,) which was nearly upon them.
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A trail of blood followed as these monsters in iron disapeared ( disappeared) into the night. 46
"Who were they(,)" Born asked.48
"To their (their) graves, let's go."51
·
· Thumbs up,
· Geri


beginning: 5, language: 4, plot: 4, ending: 3, dialog: 4, characters: 5.
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While you won't really see Kya, the slave girl you mentioned, you do meet others like her. try reading chapter2, you get a little more incite of the slaves from chapter one.
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Amazing
In the first paragraph of '1-1 Born', I think you mean 'Abode', not 'Adobe'. Adobe is computer software, while abode is a home. Common spelling mistake.
When the Night Watchers come to get them, and the one guy yells, is he supposed to have an actual 'horse' (as in the animal) voice, or a hoarse voice?
Other than those few spelling errors plus a few others I noticed, the entire thing was great. Like wolfgirl1 mentioned, great imagery. I didn't really read other people's comments, so if I have repeated someone else said, just ignore it. Haha. But great job, dude.

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yes adobe is a computer program, but adobe is also a type of house made from clay, while abode is another word for home.
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Really? Well then I am sorry. I learn something new everyday.
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great imagery, but you have some punctuation problems mixed in.
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wow wow wow wow wow
dude i can't believe how awesome this story is!!! (not to be mean or anything) Is there a part 2?????


beginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 5.
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DAmn dude! This is just amazing!
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Amazing!
This story caught my interest from the very beginning. I love the description and imagery. It was wonderful. I spotted the same mistakes as other people, but I found a few more:
>The blanket was dry and instantly began to warm the young mans body.
A Dangerous place to be after the sun goes down,
<(assuming you didn't want this capitalized) A dangerous place to be after the sun goes down,
>”It’s going to be ok Born. Can you stand?”
<"It's going to be ok, Born. Can you stand?"
>”I Think so.”
<"I think so."
>”Please Judah, tell me what’s going on.”
<"Please, Judah, tell me what's going on."
>As the Spotlight shinned down directly on top of them Born notice three humans running away from the light.
Again, great job. I'll definitely be looking for more. :]
-jj


beginning: 5, language: 4, plot: 3, ending: 4, dialog: 4, characters: 4.
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almost finished! I cant complete this now, but i will and then i will give you a full diagnostic. But the first part was excellent! There was such description. I felt as if i was walking by the black sea on a cold day and i felt despair. Great imagery. Keep up the great work!


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this was a very good story that compelled me from the start. You wrote it ;ike an author and used great descriptions. The only problem would be that the tenses in many sentences don't agree, and therefore they don't make much sense. But overall you did an amazing job and I hope to see a full novel published someday.
P.S-did you ever read Peeps? I ask this because it has the Night Watch in it as well, which could lead to problems if you use them a lot in the story.
GREAT JOB!


beginning: 5, language: 3, plot: 4, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 5.
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great
geart start with the intro, some very nice Imagery there helps paint the picture in my mind very clearly.
really like the pace and style of the story keeps me wanting to read more. i like that the main character has amnisia we learn as he does, and we question as he does. very nicley done. will be reading more.
a few notes.
>(What once was and may never will be) will dosn't need to be in this phrase.
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>in the mudand shaking the ground like and earthquake
>in the mud and shaking the ground like an eathquake.
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>“Capture the Humans!” yelled a dee horse voice
>deep, insted of dee
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brilliant
The story is both chilling and gripping.

beginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 5, ending: 4, dialog: 4, characters: 3.
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I applaud you...
I really love the intoduction, it almost has a poetry type feel to it, really helps to paint a picture for the reader.
Note: "...he dashed out in to the street..." - in to should be one word.
Note: "Blood and bone bust from the exit wound as the spear popped out of his chest." - bust should be burst.
A very good start, a story that I would like to continue reading.
beginning: 4, language: 4, plot: 4, ending: 4, dialog: 3, characters: 4.















