Hearing the fighting in my head every second of the day. Father against son, brother against brother, sister against sister. Everyone is fighting. And I just sit back and listen and watch them destroys each other’s lives. 1
One night it was brother against brother. I was sitting at the kitchen table. With my head down, listening to them back and fourth screaming at each other. I pick up a pair of scissors, I let the dull blade run across my arm, not feeling much of anything. I ran up stairs to my room, and I started to tear up my arm with the scissors. After that I fell asleep with blood on my arms. 2
The next morning when I woke up, I felt different. I didn’t feel trapped in a cage no more. As I got ready for school I washed off the blood from the night before and put on a sweater so no one will notice them. 3
As the day went on, I felt bad about what I did and scared what people would think if they saw the cuts. I knew my friends wouldn’t understand, the never have. I was just 14 years old! And ever since I was 8, everything has been going down hill. My grandma died, my brother started to get in trouble, fighting with my parents. Everything was bad. I kept on thinking “Things will get better.” How wrong was I? It just got worst. I was walking with my friend Althea, back to her house. And this car pulled up next to us, and started to talk to us, it was two guys. But I won’t get into that though. 4
But now, I am 15 years old and I am almost 16. And I still cut. My older brother use to do it too, and he’s been the only one in my family that has even asked ME and not my friends. What would they know about my slice and dice thing? They never ask, my two sisters and my “best friend” thinks I do it for attention. If that was true, I wouldn’t keep on cutting myself! See, they just piss me off! But… A part of me doesn’t want to stop, it has stopped me from killing myself, see? It’s does have done stuff for me. It’s my way of calming down… It’s the only thing I can control in my life, or does the blade control me? It might sound crazy, but I have dreams about cutting myself and my blades. And it’s all so crazy, I got a longing to bleed.. To see my blood coming out from beneath my white skin. 5
People always think that “Cutters” are crazy and they want to kill themselves, but if you think about it, they don’t want that at all. They are just coping with things that gets too out of control for them to handle. It hurts us to watch are loved ones do it, but what say do we have to stop them when we do it ourselves? And there are many other ways of hurting your body, but I won’t get into that either. 6
I have no clue why I wrote this. I guess it’s to give me something to do and keep me busy or it’s for me to explain myself. And maybe, I’ll get more into another time about why I do this stupid shit. But people will never understand my mind, but I wish they already did though.. I want people to stop staring at my arms like I’m some kind of psycho babble person or whatever. Cause, I belong in this world has much as anyone else does. And if you don’t think I belong outside of a mental place, then just fuck off. 7
I just want to add to this. I am now almost 20 and I'm not as crazy as this... or at least not all the time. And, I am trying my best to not cut anymore, though at times I still miss it and I do get a little crazy but who doesn't when they're stopping something they have became addicted to? Anyways, I just wanted to let people know that I'm not the same whiny person I use to be.
Author notes
I guess I want to explain why.. well, I couldn't think of all the reasons.. and I might add more to it later and fix it up alittle.. Enjoy.
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Comments
1 - 10 of 10
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Thanks. sympathy is something i dont want. ^_^ but anyways. yes I totally see what you mean though.. it's a great way to cope but, it's also dangerous though.. i do it. but, the scars always a content remember what I am. but anyways. thanks for the comment, ^_^ take care..
--SpiT-- -
TakenAway,
Wow, this was...wonderful, I know where you're at, but I'm not giving sympathy, 'cause I hate it when people do it to me. I'm giving empathy instead.
I've been in that position, and I know how to cope with things properly, I just chose self-infliction, it has more of an effect, because in my eyes... One night, when you're cutting, you feel like you're useless to everyone, and you're nothing to the world, but then the next day, you look at your cuts, and then in the weeks after, you look at your scars and you start to think "what the fuck was wrong with me that night?" and it really makes you think after about what you've done, and you know it's wrong, but something inside you, still makes you do it. But that same thing inside of you, doesn't want you to die, they just want you to have to look back on your scars and it wants you to think about how everything you do to yourself in the past, might just effect your future...
Kati.
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I like to be wasted too.. I HATE being sober. hehe.
--SpiT-- -
i know! but i like it being wasted... might be i am weird or something, but its like... beautiful ... you care about nothing exceot that bottle of vodka and you .... omg, i do sound like weirdo
*iva* -
Lol.. Oh, stop drinking is a hard one!! I've been trying, but, whenever i think i have it down.. I dont. so i just drink again. hehe. but the thing is. I usally drink until I'm like.. wasted. so yeah!!! Lol.
--SpiT-- -
oh, i drink and dont plan to stop... man ... nothing can beat a nice lemon vodka ... lol
*iva* -
THere's many other reasons why I cut, but t he control is the main thing. and im happy for you that you've stopped.. On trying to stop now. and to stop drinking.. well anyways, thanks for commenting =D
--Spit-- -
wow....i used to cur for few years, and 6 months ago i stopped... it was really hard to stop though... there are many reasons why people cut theirselves... the control thing, what you said, can be one of them... but i cut because...how to explain it... you know the feeling when youre mad and wanna kill someone... and everyone think youre psycho anyway, so instead beating the hell out of someone i just cut myself like really hard and all...and felt better... and sometimes when i was depresed, i just had feeling that all the problems are gone along with blood... and pain stopped me from thinking about them again... and then when pain stopped, i cut again...it was just liek alcohol, only harder... well, sorry for long post, nice story...
hugs
*iva* -
Lol. you're so silly =P Love ya too. =P and i do know that. *grins* hehehehe *blushes* lol jk. muah!
--Spit-- -
beautiful
you dont belong inside a mental place unless i have to be. . anywho, lol, i love ya deej.....just lettin ya know that. bi.
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