Lust's Last Corpse

Olivia stood at the grave of her father. He was killed a week ago, from unknown causes. Well, not entirely unknown. Olivia knew exactly how it happened, but she had learnt long ago that one person's knowledge will not immediately be heard. She concentrated on the grave, seeing as it gave her sanity to know something there was real. 1

"Olivia!" A voice cred out to her from in the graveyard. "Olivia, where are you?"2

"I'm over here," she called back. She turned to see Joseph, the grave-keeper's son, running towards her. 3

"Olivia, you know it's not safe out here at night. You've heard the rumours." She giggled.4

"Yes, I've heard them. And you know as well as I do that they are total rubbish." He laughed as well.5

"Yes, I suppose. But it's still dangerous out here. There are wild animals. At least let me walk you back to the gates."6

"Oh, Joseph. I'm sorry, I was thinking of staying out here a minute longer. I don't think I can leave my father right now."7

"Oh," began Joseph. "Okay, I can understand." The nodded to each other, then Joseph turned to the shack he lived in with his father across the cemetary. He didn't dare look back at her, in fear of breaking down in a heat of passion. He had known Olivia for years now, since they were children, and had only realised the year before his true love for her. His love was strong enough to break down any man, and was just as terrible to him. Joseph loved everything about her, the way she moved, the highlights in her auburn hair, the twinkle of her amber eyes, the peachy tinge of her skin. His mind and heart told him to tell her, but he just couldn't. Joseph was scared, scared that he would hurt her. He didn't want to get carried away with her, to let his burning desire drive her from him. He closed the door behind him, his chest heaving from his thoughts.8

"Goodbye, then," Olivia whispered, watching Joseph close the door behind him. Oh, how she missed him already. After the years they'd known each other, the last year had been painful with love and regret. Already she missed the hollow of his cheeks, his hazel locks, his bottle green eyes, and his wonderful teeth. Nothing could compare to him, no matter how much Olivia tried. Whenever Joseph spoke, she could barely catch her breathe, and her voice was almost taken in a passionate heat. Oh, how she longed to stroke the hollow of his cheek, to wind a lock of his hair around her finger, to kiss his face, no matter how lightly or deeply she could. She sighed, and turned back to her father's grave. It haunted her to think how he died, but she tried not to let it show. She knelt down in front of the tombstone, bowing her head. It was silent around the graveyard for a moment. 9

"It shan't happen to me," she whispered. 10

"Really?" A hushed voice spoke. Olivia stood quickly, and span around to try and find the voice. 11

"Oh no, I'm not over there, look closer." Olivia span around for a moment, looking around her for any space the speaker may have been in. 12

"Just go away!" Olivia screamed. "Please, just leave me alone."13

"Oh, I could do that. I could leave, let you be, never return." A hand lay itself softly on her neck, and another arm wrapped itself around her waist. "Or I could stay right here." Olivia gave out a small gasp of shock, too frightened to do anything else. The man who held her was no stranger, which all but calmed Olivia. 14

"It is such a shame," began the voice. "Such a pity that such a ... delicious young girl like yourself should be out here all alone. Such a shame that you don't listen to curfews like the rest of the obedient little children." Olivia struggled against the man's vice-like grip.15

"Please, just let me go."16

"And deny myself such a treat, it would be a crime against my nature." Olivia silently sobbed, looking down at the floor.17

"Now, tell me," the voice whispered into her ear. "Who was that young man you were talking with?"18

"What does that matter to you?" He sniggered again.19

"Youth can make the blood fresh, but only passion can make it boil." Olivia struggled again, with all her might.20

"I won't let you do this to me. You took my father, now let me go."21

"And what makes you think that I would let you go, when I am already so close." The man's hand moved ever so slightly from her neck, as he moved his face closer to taste his prey's neck. He didn't bite, he just smelled her scent, and tasted the flesh with his tongue.22

"What are you doing?" Olivia asked shakily.23

"I like to play with my food before I eat it." He pressed his lips on her delicate neck, sensing her fear, torturing himself with the knowledge of blood. 24

"Yes," he said. "The blood is warm, and fresh. A youth in love, if ever I'd seen it before."25

"Please, let me go." He was still smelling her neck, a hand still clasped on her throat. Olivia thought of Joseph's face, his hair, his eyes, the hollow of his cheek. This man wouldn't let her go, she would never see Joseph again, she would never stroke his cheek or twine his hair around her finger. She would never hear his voice again...26

"What are you doing!" A voice cried out from not very far away. Olivia could barely lift her head, and went by the voice to find out who it was.27

"Ah, dear sir," said the man holding Olivia. "It would be a pleasure to get better acquainted, but I'm afraid me and your friend are just getting to know each other."28

"No, you're not." Joseph picked up a stone from the floor and threw it as hard as he could towards the figure. Without warning, he disapperated. Joseph looked bewildered, then frightened, then turned to look around him. 29

"I'm not there, little boy. Look closer." Joseph spun around to find Olivia still in the arms of this madman, but they were both only a few yards away from the grave they stood at before. 30

"Give her abck to me," Joseph said shakily, barely able to stand on his on two feet.31

"Do you honestly think I would do that?" He laughed, a manic laugh that most men would give in triumph over a fight to the death. Joseph looked to a tree, then stole on of its branches. With a cry of anguish, he ran towards Olivia and the man, plunging the branch into his chest. Both men turned pale, and Joseph back away from him. The man dropped Olivia, who crashed to her knees in what seemed like unconsciousness. Joseph watched for a moment as the man's face turned white as snow, his eyes blackened into a pair of dark ebony marbles, and his lips turned to a pale, misty blue. His face was cracking, and breaking away as the wind brushed against him. In a matter of seconds, he dropped to the floor as a fine layer of dust. 32

"Joseph," came a whipser from the girl.33

"Olivia," he cried out to her. Joseph ran to her, falling to his knees. "Speak to me, Olivia." Her own face was pale, the veins in her neck visible as if drawn onto her. 34

"Joseph," she said again, in an even fainter voice. Her eyes closed, but Joseph could see she still lived. Her chest moved slowly, almost invisibley. In a loving swoop, Joseph gathered her to his breast and kissed the top of her head. Whispering in her ear, the words 'I Love You' rang through the night, and awoke the girl once more.35

"Oh, Joseph, I love you." She looked up at his eyes, staring deeply into them. Without giving a second thought, he pressed his lips to hers, kissing her the way he had only dreamed for the past year. Holding her tightly, he took her to his home, letting her sleep in his bed. Never had two people fell in love so, never had a story had such an ending, never had a vampire met such a finish.

Author notes

I think this story is definately my best one mainly because it is the longest one I have written. People who have seen it before liked it, and therefore I thought I'd put it into another competition.

A contest entry

This is my first story, please be gentle with the comments

    : , Your review:

    Comment Suggestion: What is your your first impression?
    : Cost: 0 free left 0 points, You have 0. (?) (Line numbers)
    Ratings:

Comments

1 - 17 of 17

  • xoxKokaygirlxox
    March 16, 2008
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    It was good and i liked it thanks for entering and good luck!

  • im...
    January 1, 2008

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    this was really good, but im sorry to say it just didn't click for me. It was good thom sorry. Better Luck in the other contests u entered!


  • ChristineDaae
    December 18, 2007
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    Thanks for the comment, although this is the umpteenth time someone has commented on the spelling. I might do a sequel to this, seeing as you're right, it was way too easy for him to be killed. Or maybe Joseph isn't as in love as he thinks. Or maybe they're nymphomaniacs!!!! Vampire stories, what can you finish with, really?


  • UnicornGargoyle
    December 17, 2007

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    Good Plot

    "A voice cred out to her from in the graveyard". "cred" should be "cried"

    The beginning part, where they're talking, could use some more descriptions. There isn't much imagery there.

    "Already she missed the hollow of his cheeks, his hazel locks, his bottle green eyes, and his wonderful teeth." Mentioning his teeth just seems funny to me. It doesn't seem like something you'd think of being worthy of mention unless they had awful teeth or were a dentist

    "Joseph picked up a stone from the floor and threw it as hard as he could towards the figure." That doesn't seem like something he should do considering the bad guy is standing so close to Olivia.

    It seemed way too easy for Joseph to kill the vampire guy. It seemed kind of fake. Perhaps more of a struggle would make it seem more realistic.

    It's definitely got an interesting plot, but I think it could use some work. This could be a really, really good story with a little bit of tweaking, so definitely keep working on it and good job


  • Genovefa
    December 4, 2007

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    This is a good story!! And especially if it is your first then i must say that it is a good try. However it could have been a lot better. It seemed like a story with a nice and interesting plot but without depth or dimensions to it.I will start with the things i didn't like and move on to the ones i loved.

    What i didn't like/you should focus on:
    -"from in the graveyard..." ,something is wrong with this line. "From" and "in" put next to each other don't sound well to me. Maybe you could say "from behind" or sth similar.
    -In the beginning the dialogues were rather cliche and didn't quite reflect emotions or real communication. For example:" Yes, I suppose. But it's still dangerous out here. There are wild animals. At least let me walk you back to the gates" <-- How many times have we heard this line in movies?
    -At some point i think that instead of "the" you meant to say "they",better check for spelling mistakes. Also "abck" is meant to be "back" later on.
    -" his wonderful teeth" .The description was beautiful till then but i think that the mention of "wonderful teeth" is not very romantic.
    -"His mind and heart told him to tell her", the theme and meaning of this line is very sweet but it gets caught in too plain words.
    -In 15. "such" is used too many times.
    -"disappereted", <-- this is not the correct word.It should be "disapparated" or "dissapeared" if i am not mistaken.
    - Plot wise i think that some parts were weak. For example it seemed foolish for Joseph to throw a rock to the vampire when he was standing so close to his beloved Olivia.What if he had hit her instead?Also i think that the vampire's death came too quickly and too easily, didn't have any suspense.
    -Finally a certain line is used again and again:
    "Do you honestly think i would do that?"
    "And what makes you think that i would let you go?"etc

    Now! I must say that i loved the dark setting of the graveyard and the way you included in the story a vampire.I love these!In the description of Olivia i found the "peachy tinge of her skin" to be a very touching and beautifully descriptive phrase.Kudos for this!And also for 20.,i liked that line for some reason. Finally you picked a brilliant title. "Lust's Last Corpse",dark and sensual, bravo!

    This was a critical comment and sorry if you don't like this. I am not meaning to be rude,i appreciate and respect your work which i actually liked I only pointed some things out in order for you to improve and become the best writer you can be. Good try!And keep writing!


  • Meakalu
    November 21, 2007
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    WOW! To begin with, I thought you were talking about a werewolf, but it was brilliant.

    beginning: 4, language: 5, plot: 4, ending: 3, dialog: 5, characters: 4.


  • Taboo Pixie
    November 6, 2007

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    Wow. Amazing. Nicely written! good job here I loved it. Darkness with still a happy ending. I loved that you pulled that off! wonderful! good job and thanks for entering!


  • callthexylophone
    September 26, 2007

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    "me and your friend are just getting"
    should be "your friend and I."
    Great story! I only wish that it was longer, that it talked about the fear the vampire guy inspired and if he was really strong or anything, etc. Fun stuff!


  • Bitter Irony
    September 23, 2007

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    First of all, watch out for spelling errors: for example, cred instead of cried in the second paragraph. Also, try to show instead of tell: "He was killed a week ago, from unknown causes" feels more like something one would read in a newspaper than in a story.

    "Olivia, you know it's not safe out here at night. You've heard the rumours." She giggled.--Make sure the characters' actions are in the same paragraph as their dialogue: otherwise, it sounds like she's talking to herself.

    Otherwise, very well written story. I like your characters and your plot. Thanks for entering the contest, and good luck!


  • So Strange Greeters member
    September 20, 2007
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    This story had the same problem as a couple other stories in this contest: it did not have any kind of cast in it, and that is the MAIN rule in this contest...to put the cast in the story, no matter if it's you or a movie cast. Other than that, this was a good story, but it will not win if you don't have a cast in it.

    Good luck in my contest!

  • ChristineDaae
    September 18, 2007
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    Gerifitzsimmons

    Thanks for pointing out the mistakes, I didn't see some of them. But things like the 'span' and 'stold' words don't make any sense, sorry.
    And thank you for the great comments. I didn't think about how everyone else was safe, or how Olivia thought of the situation. I'll definately chaneg those mistakes in any other story I write


  • gerifitzsimmons Greeters member
    September 18, 2007

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    Well written with a high-energy plot.

    The (They) nodded-- Olivia span (spanned) around--"Give her abck (back)to me," Joseph -- Joseph looked to a tree, then stole (stold) on (one) of its branches.

    Well written with a high-energy plot. The characters were clearly drawn and the dialogue fit in logically with the activity taking place.

    I could feel Olivia’s fear--still it lacked real terror that I would expect. Of course I question her logic in being there in the first place. She apparently knew the Vampire hung around the graveyard. After all he got her daddy—sigh.

    And why was Joseph safe living there? You mentioned his father, where was he? Was he the vampire? Sorry, it’s me, I can’t just read what’s written-grin.

    It's a good story, Geri

    beginning: 4, language: 5, plot: 4, ending: 2, dialog: 5, characters: 5.


  • ChristineDaae
    September 11, 2007
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    Token!!!

    This story's pre-written, so I couldn't help it. Thanks for pointing them out though


  • Token Massacre silver member
    September 10, 2007

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    double check spelling
    "learnt" should be "learned" for example

    watch tenses, you skip from past to present at times.
    one person's knowledge will not immediately be heard
    "will not" should actually be "would not"

    watch placing the wrong word in spots...
    The nodded to each other should be "they" spell checkers won't catch those since they're not actually wrong.

    Watch paragraph structure. Putting too many ideas in the same paragraph makes it feel rushed.

    I liked the story, I would have liked to see more back story. I thought it was heading into a romance then there was the twist. I liked that. The dialogue flowed well too. Good piece. Thanks for entering my contest and good luck


  • brittie
    August 14, 2007

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    Wow!!

    That was truly amazing! Aside from only one noted spelling error it was really great. The descriptions were spot on and I could clearly see the story playing out in my minds eye.
    Good job! And good luck!


  • ChristineDaae
    August 13, 2007
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    thanks for the advice dNOZ. I'll try and vary it next time.


  • dNOZ
    August 13, 2007

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    well done, but,
    Some of theis story seemed a bit soft, and I'd have liked to see more variety in tone. Surely there are vampires and lovers whose relationships are as fiery and complex as those of other myths and legends?

    beginning: 2, language: 3, plot: 3, ending: 2, dialog: 3, characters: 3.

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