-Chapter One-
All hell was breaking loose upon the city. The war on the moon wasn't doing very well and I was left on earth, unable to help. Soldiers returned to the city, some injured and some dead. The lively ones were looking for more recruits. But my parents would be really unhappy if I joined up. But I had to, I wanted to help.
II watched as man after man signed up. Not one single woman stepped forward and I knew Mother would be very unhappy if I did. Father was still on the moon and Jack was too sick to join.
“The women need to stay at home to care for the children. The men will have to go and fight,” is what Mother said. But I have done things no other man has. I have to do this for myself.
As I walked up the soldier checking ids, I picked up the dropped pen and was just about to put down my name when Mother screamed at me. I signed my name and turned to look at her.
“What do you think you are doing,” she exclaimed. Tears were falling fast from her eyes.
“I am going to go and fight,” I responded calmly not looking at her. “And don’t say I am too young. I am nineteen years old; I can decide what I want to do with my life.”
And with that, I left Mother to board the ship. After they checked my id, I tuned to have one last look at the city I was leaving, and I found my mothers eyes. Tears were still falling from them but she didn’t look away. And she ran up to the ship and I ran back to her.
“Please be careful,” cried Mother as we hugged. “If you see your father, tell him we miss him very much.”
“I will, mum, I will,” I promised.
The ship was getting ready to take off and I ran inside. As I waved good bye, tears started to fall down my face. I might never come back. I might never see my family and friends again. It was then that I just noticed a hand upon my shoulder. I turned around to face the man.
“Don’t worry,” he whispered. He was tall and handsome with his dark blue eyes and wavy black hair. “You will see your family again.”
“I hope you’re right,” I told him. He whipped the tears from my eyes and motioned for me to follow him.
I followed him into the cafeteria and silence fell as we walked between the tables. All of the men were staring and pointing at me. I must have been the only female on the ship.
"Commander," said the man that I followed. "Here she is, sir."
"Ahh, yes. Thank you, Ralic," said a voice that I recognized. Ralic left and I stepped forward. I saluted as the commander stood up. "Please come with me."
I followed him back out of the cafeteria and into a comfortable sitting room. He sat down and motioned for me to do the same.
"Some how I knew your mother couldn't stop you," stated the commander as I sat down. "How is she?"
"She's doing alright. Jake's a lot better now," I told him. "We missed my father, though. I just couldn't stay there and know that he was up here fighting. I wanted to fight, too."
"And so you will," he responded. "I missed you three and I am very happy to see you. I am so proud of you, Samantha."
There was a knock on the door and the commander stopped talking. The door opened and in walked Ralic. "Sir, we are nearing the moon base," he said.
"Very well. We shall talk later, Jacklen," my commander told me. "Ralic will show you to your room once we dock. I must report to the president that we made a successful journey."
And he left, leaving me and Ralic alone. I relaxed in the chair and gathered my thoughts. Ralic sat down in front of me. His dark blue eyes staring deep into my vividly green eyes.
"My name is Daniel," he whispered.
"I'm Samantha," I told him.
"You are very pretty."
"What," I asked him.
"I said that your father is a brave man," he said quickly. "I hope that his daughter is just as brave."
"Thank you," I whispered. "My mother says that I am everything like my father. Just as valiant, just as smart, and just as...."
"Just as what, Samantha," Daniel pushed me.
"Just as amazing," I responded in a quiet voice.
Author notes
Uhh yeah this is the first chapter and I ummm am in the middle of umm writing it so yea.
6) Give me the best story you have ever written *please don't have it be too long!*
option 1- I believe this is my best work so far because it is the most insperational thought that I have thought about in a long time. The insperational part of my brain has been like dead for a few weeks and I feel that I did really really awesome on it.
My fav movies are: Harry Potter 1-5, Die Hard, Dogma, The Number 23, Disturbia, and I Now Pronounce You Chuck and Larry.
A contest entry
- First Page Contest by yoshi97.
600 points, ended August 14, 2007, 15 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - Read More by Greeneyes15.
100 points, ended September 15, 2007, 20 entries
Honorable mention
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - Blue Chickes with Red Spiked Hair by LostSoulOfRage.
350 points, ended October 13, 2007, 20 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - another contest :) stories, essays, and poems by Elvenfairy.
100 points, ended September 25, 2007, 13 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - So You Think You Can Write? by EtherealButterfly.
1225 points, ended October 5, 2007, 39 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - Whatever by The Poetic Prince.
225 points, ended October 3, 2007, 6 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - Calling All Novelists- I Want First Chapters by artemis the hunter.
260 points, ended December 7, 2007, 44 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest
Tell me anything about spelling/grammer errors that you see above and I will fix them. Don't forget to tell me if you like it or not and if I should continue.
Comments
1 - 14 of 14
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You started out well, by throwing me right into the story, but then you eased off and I didn't know what was going on. Whose doing the fighting. It's on the moon base so one could assume aliens, but then who's fighting the aliens? You just need to be more clear in your writing. Thanks for entering and good luck!
beginning: 4, language: 4, plot: 3, ending: 3, dialog: 3, characters: 3.
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Interesting story...I liked it.
Thanks for entering and good luck! -
thsi sounds like a combination of a bunch of novels and short stories I've read in my time. I liked this. Thanks for enetring my contest, sorry it's taking me so long to judge
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thnx for ententering the contest.
i really liked this story. defently continue. its seems like a very good beginning. this a very good and interesting storyline. if you write more tell me, i would like to read more. great job and good luck in the contest. keep up the great work.
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Well
The idea here is good but it feels like everything rushed out. Kind of like someone who just ran from a monster and is trying to tell you what happened before they catch their breath. This is easily 2 or 3 chapters. I would slow dow nand expand on everything. Also the tears falling is used quite a bit. I would lose that or try wording it differently. Being thrown in makes it difficult to care for the character. Not many typos that I spotted. Good luck with it. -
i kinda liked it...
yeah do please continue!!!
it was a great first chapter... keep it up! ^^
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I think this is a bit rushed. You've gone straight to the point in the first chapter. Perhaps you can start out with Samantha watching soldiers sign up and she can think of the times when her father was there; kind of like a flashback.
"All hell was breaking loose upon the city." Probably best to tell us which city, and you should also tell us what year it is as well.
"I watched as man after man signed up. Not one single woman stepped forward to sign up. Mother would be very unhappy if I did join up."
There's a repetition there. Try this:
"I watched as man after man signed up. Not one single woman stepped forward to sign up and mother would be very unhappy if I did so."
Whens you write that they're checking for ids I think it's best to write ID because they're not checking for identifications they're checking for identification. You know, like, without the s.
When the mother says, "What do you think you are doing," you're supposed to put a question mark because it's a question.
I signed my name and turned to look at her.
Few sentences later...
"I am going to go and fight," I responded calmly not looking at her.
I'm not sure if you've got them mixed up, or you meant for her to turn away. If you've got them mixed up, try, "I responded calmly trying not to look at her." or, if you meant for her to turn away, try, "I responded calmly, turning my head so I couldn't see her pain." Or something like that
One little error, you wrote 'tuned' instead of 'turned' for, "I turned to have one last look at the city I was leaving, and I found my mother's eyes."
"He whipped the tears from my eyes and motioned for me to follow him."
'wiped,' not, 'whipped.'
^_^
Oh, who's Jacklen? Maybe I've missed something ^_^
Alright, I'm going to shut up now before I end up making you really pissed at me, which you probably are. I hope I wasn't too harsh. Just wanted to point out a few..err..a lot of things.
Anyway, good job
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Okay, so I'm geussing this is taking place i the future haha nothing gets past me. I thought that it was pretty good, a great storyline. I liked the way that you intoduced that the main character was a girl. I thought it was a bit strange that one soldier was wiping anothers eyes. I actually feel horrible as a female that I imediately assumed this was a male. Wow. Great job though
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This is really good, I didnt spot that many mistakes then it is really late so who knows.
This draws you in, a good beginning then an awesome plot line this has a good edge to it.
Keep it up and goodluck
~Lady Madeline. -
"All hell was breaking loose upon the city"
which city? is it teh city of the future with flying cars and such, or is the reason their fighing for the moon is earth is crapped out?
"Soldiers returned to the city, some injured and some dead"
What kind of injuries, are they wobbling along on crutches like napoleonic musket victims with legs sawn off, or is it more futuristic, with radiation sickness and laser burns? -
Hmm. Everyone seems to have pointed you in the right way. I'm not sure what to say. Overall I quite like it except for the whole samantha daniel thing. Its just too obvious that they're going to get together. No thrill at all. Not that its bad. I think its okay to be obvious that they're supposed to be together but you could spice things up a little. ^_^; Don't hate me. I'm trying to be constructive though I'm not sure wether I'm worthy of it.
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Starting sentences with "and" or "but" should only happen in dialogue.
You've got some punctuation mistakes. Mostly missing commas (which is easily fixed)and a few mistaken punctuation placements.
watch repetitive wording it tends to throw off the flow...
for example:
I watched as man after man signed up. Not one single woman stepped forward to sign up. Mother would be very unhappy if I did join up.
it's repetitive. if you said something like...
I watched as man after man signed up. Not one single woman stepped forward and I knew Mother would be very unhappy if I did.
that improves the flow and loses the repeating.
watch skipping tenses. Going from past to present and back throws off the flow as well.
The story is a good one. I'm not usually into these types of stories but found myself really enjoying this. The detailing and dialogue are well done. Good luck in the contest. -
ok, so this is very interesting, but i don't know how well it would do as a first chapter in a story. my suggestion would be to introduce your story more gradually. it felt sort of rushed. i also think that adding more discriptions and detail would be great and add so much more to the story.
Samantha seems like a very intersting character and very likable. i love it when a fremale is so dominate and steps up and does what the boys can do. But, like i said, some more explaining wouldn't hurt. like, how does the commander seem to know her and her family. it would be good to explain that right then and there.
also, you could make the dialoge more realistic. right now it seemed kind of fony to me. expecialy the dialoge between Daniel and samantha.
anyways, i liked the story and i think you should continue with it. thank you so much for entering my contest and good luck. i hope you get more reads and comments!!! -
Thank you for entering my contest!
Should prove interesting to see where this story goes. So many possibilites. What would war on the moon be like? Why would it occur? So many story questions emerge, leaving enough room for a good full-length story to emerge. Keep writing on this one, I think you have a great idea.
Thanks again for entering, and good luck!
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