My Life?

I’ve been up on my highest high, and my lowest low, and I’m not sure which way is worse. I’ve been on top of the world and in the deepest pits of hell, and I’m not sure which hurt more.

Let me explain.

I’ve always been one to love, and be in love. I’ve never gone for more than six months without being involved with someone, ever since I was fourteen and got my first girlfriend. That lasted eighteen months, until she decided it was over. It got pretty nasty, but she’s still my best friend.

After that, it was about six months until I met a man over the internet. His name was Jaden and he was amazing. He was smart, funny, and everything in between. It just didn’t work, though, and soon after, he left me. After that, I went through a similar scenario with a man named Kasey. He was supposed to meet me at Bridalveil Fall when I was on my family trip, but he never came. It broke my heart.

After that, came the most wonderful and painful man of my life. I sometimes catch myself thinking back to the summer when I was seventeen, and the most magical and heartbreaking summer of my life. And here we go again. He was the only person to have such an effect on me.

Sometimes I swear I can remember everything about him, then sometimes nothing at all. The way he used to smell (some kind of Armani cologne that he carried around everywhere), the way he used to taste (a mixture of cigarettes and something much, much sweeter), and the smile he always gave me. I'm blushing just thinking about it. God, he was the biggest mistake of my life, but I'll be damned if I didn't fall for him right off the bat. The moment I saw him, I was enraptured. He was the kind of guy I thought would never touch me, never even give me a second glance, but the first night we knew each other...wow. Much more than sparks, I'll tell you that much. He consumed me.

He brought me up, but then he brought me down harder. I'd spent years thinking it was all him that brought around our downfall, but I've recently come to realize it was my fault too. I relied completely on him to do the communicating; I don't think I ever called him once, and I broke my own heart in the process by doing that.

I still remember the voicemail he left; I think it was the last one he did. "Hey, it's your boy..." I wish we hadn't screwed that up--I wish I wasn't such a chicken back then. That night...almost killed me. It seems it almost killed him too, since he claims to have been a wreck after.

After that fell through, I was a disaster for about six months until I started dating my ex-girlfriend’s sister. That was an interesting three months, let me tell you that much. We were so similar, yet so very different. She was from the South and I was from the North, and it changed everything, I suppose, as rash and shallow as that sounds. She wouldn’t come out to her mother, wouldn’t tell her she was in love with another woman, and so I broke it off with her. I couldn’t take her ignoring me when everyone was around, but being loving when it was just the two of us.

A week later, I was dating an old high school crush, who I later ended up marrying and separating from. I’m still in the process of divorcing him. He was everything I thought I wanted, but he tried to control me, and I don’t do well with that. He pulled the innocent act as far as that goes one too many times, but I know he had control issues. I was wild, I was open-minded, I was free and he wanted to chain me down and change me. He tried to reign in my temper, but it only made it worse.

The relationship dwindled over the course of two months, and I turned back to my ex-girlfriend’s sister for help, finding limited consolation in her. It was for her I ended my marriage, but thinking back, I think I was just looking for an excuse, because three months later, I broke up with her too. She was clingy, annoying and just all-around not good for me. It seemed our dispositions switched the two times we dated. I was the one disinterested in the relationship, and she was the one desperately begging for some love and attention. Maybe that’s my version of sick revenge.

At the moment, I’m in another pseudo/internet-relationship with a girl in Georgia. She’s the sweetest thing ever, but sometimes she gets on my nerves so much I’m glad I have a filter called my keyboard to hold back some of the things I want to tell her.

Maybe I’m just not satisfied with what I have when I have it, and therefore keep looking. I’m a mess, and I know it. I have too many faces, and no one’s figured out every single one yet. I’m just waiting for someone to do so.