My sort of messed up love story

I love him.Ilovehim.I LOVE HIM. I really do... Don’t I?

I open the door to my room and flop down heavily onto the bed, squeezing my eyes shut tight I try to ignore the raging voices whirling through my mind, my heart is heavy and feels like it could crumble at any moment, I open my eyes and sigh..

'Why the hell is life so difficult?' I wonder out loud, 'and why did nobody ever bother to warn me that things could get so hard?'

Turning my head to the left I spot a picture of me and James and feel a pang in my heart;

'We look so happy' I think miserably, 'what went wrong?'

James and I have been together for 2 and a half years, which sounds like forever, infinity practically marriage... or rather that’s how it feels.

I’m 17 years old, 17 and trapped in love.

Ok so it’s never been easy, but I’m sure it hasn’t always been this hard, there were never so many arguments...so many fights like there are these days.

my heart sinks a little further, (along with my self esteem) as my mind flies back to last night and my hands automatically reach down to my bruised shins and across my aching arms where he had repeatedly kicked and punched me, a tear trickles out the corner of my eye and drops off the end of my nose, I catch a glimpse of myself in the mirror and feel disgusted. I Hate myself for becoming torn apart like this, and wonder desperately if anyone else is going through the torment that I am.

I love him so much, I need him, I need him...I can’t let him go.

I love him so much, I need him, I need him...I can’t let him go.

Stupid words.
I feel like I’m falling to pieces, and the thing that is holding me together is exactly what is ripping me apart...

I have to confess that I don’t really know where I am going with this. I figured that id try and write it down and where better to do so than this website? the only problem is that this story isn’t make believe, its my own messed up and terribly confusing reality and I suppose I had better start at the beginning.

I met James at the age of 15, and to be completely and totally honest I was a screw up.

A year or so previously I had been abused by somebody I had thought was one of my best friends, my head was a mess and I felt I had nobody to turn to. My sister Sarah, who was 4 years older than me, was terminally ill and my parents focus was of course all on her...therefore nobody noticed my deep spiral down in to a devastating world of sex, Eating disorders, drugs and alcohol.

Enter James.

My savior, ill admit he saved my life. I was on the verge of suicide when I met him and he rescued me, he showed me what it was to be wanted and loved. He gave me comfort, a bed to sleep in and a shoulder to cry on (which I must admit I used rather allot) but most importantly he gave me my self respect back, Although he didn’t stop the drugs (in fact he introduced me to Ecstasy and magic mushrooms) he led me away from the cocaine and into a safer environment, I had James and for the first time I felt safe, no matter how close to danger I may have been, as long as he was there I was ok.

I was falling for him, and it surprised me. I hadn’t even wanted to have a boyfriend, in fact id turned him down twice but he was persistent and eventually I accepted, on the off chance that he might be ok. The first bit of trust I had shown and I guess it paid off. Wherever I was, James was, we moved in together, went out together, got drunk together...you name it we did it together.

As the first Year passed we remained close, Celebrated our anniversary with a meal and a bottle of Champaign and also cleaned up our act a bit, I became closer to my parents and although I had always had a strong bond with my sister it grew even stronger, we were connected at the soul, I told her everything and she was always there for me. She would even cover for me sometimes if I was doing something we both knew I shouldn’t be. James was very close to her and he was with us when she died on the 30th April 2006, I was devastated and couldn’t quite see how I was going to go on, in turn I became a bit bitter, I was cynical and rude, I started drinking more again and I had no time for James, it seemed to me that all he wanted was sex and it bugged me, I couldn’t understand how he thought I could have sex when my sister was dead, how could he expect me to feel any emotion except devastation? I was still only 16 and felt as though my life had fallen back down around me.

Looking back now I can see that must have been such a difficult time for him, it wasn’t his problem and I was probably a nightmare to be living with, but I felt I didn’t love him anymore, I didn’t want him in my life and I especially didn’t want him touching me. Despite this he would not let me finish it with him, begging and pleading me to stay I finally relented when he suggested we make the relationship open, I thought it was a bit of a dumb idea and promised myself I wouldn’t get with any other guys, I wasn’t that type of girl anymore. However a week or so later James went to stay with his dad up country and I felt released, like a bird being set free and one night after getting extremely drunk with my best friend Aaron we ended up going to bed together.

As soon as I woke up guilt surged through me and I rang James the moment I got home and told him everything, begging for forgiveness I realized how much it would hurt to lose him, and just how much I needed him in my life. I promised him things would get better, that I would change and that id never speak to Aaron again, and hand on my heart I believed the promises myself, even more so than James did I think, but of course things soon went back to the way they had been and eventually, the day before my 17th birthday we split up, agreeing to stay friends and keep in touch.

I was quite happy to be without him, I had a new man in my life, he was five years older than me and I was quite taken by him. we were together for about 3 weeks when I found out James had gotten himself a new girlfriend, immediately I was jealous, the desperation for him to love me came flooding back and the 14 year old girl inside of me came screaming out, suddenly I was nobodies number one again and I realized, just as I had after the night with Aaron how much I needed him, he knew me inside and out, he kept me safe and is the only reason I still walk this earth.

I had not expected to feel this way, I had thought I was over James and from the moment I finished with him I knew I had done the right thing…until now .Perhaps I was just being a jealous little girl, and maybe it wasn’t love I was feeling but the desperation not to lose another person who I had been so close to. Even though it was me doing the dumping, it had never occurred to me how much it would hurt when it wasn’t me he was kissing, or snuggling up to at night.

He had been lovely to me ,and id thrown it all away like a spoilt little brat, I decided it was time to get him back and show him just how sorry I was, just how much he meant to me, id had enough of being a bitch and once again I went crawling back to him.

Eventually he took me back, I could see his reluctance clearly and it stung. He was still meeting up regularly with the girl he had been with when we split up and It annoyed me intently, but I kept a smile on and tried to be as sweet as I could, I made dinners, I took him for meals and I worked my ass off trying to prove how much I loved him, but something massive had changed, the James I knew would send me lovely text messages, kiss me, cuddle me un-expectedly and tell me he loved me all the time. This James was cold, he never told me he loved me and would push me away whenever I tried to be affectionate, instead of telling me he loved me he told me he hated me, and that I repulsed him, he even went to the extent of putting a blanket between us so he wouldn’t have to touch me if we were sleeping in the same bed, I felt dirty and worthless, but somehow it made me cave his love more, made me try harder to make him fall back in love with me. After about 2 months of him treating me like this I thought I had been punished enough, I knew I had treated him badly but I was sure that he was taking his punishment for me too far, and the meetings with his ex were becoming more and more regular, even to the extent that he was staying the night over at her house. I was raging with anger, but reasoned to myself that I had no right to be so, after all had put him through I deserved to be treated like this... didn’t I?

pretty soon I started to get really fed up and one night when I was home alone I invited Aaron up for a few drinks, determined not to let history repeat itself I kept my distance and just enjoyed the relaxation and friendship.

It was so easy after the months I had been enduring with James, and I got angry with him all over again at the thought of how bad about myself he had made me feel, I drank three bottles of wine and got wasted, moaning to Aaron about my destroyed relationship and wondering where the night would take us, it was pretty un eventful up until about 4am when I drunkenly decided that I was hungry and we agreed that we would go for a drive to find a 24hour store. Stupid and under the influence I hadn’t realized that Aaron was drunk and quite happily we set off, blasting some sort of dance music and living it up, I felt more happy than I had in so long, months of misery had suddenly burst and in turn I was euphoric.

We ended up forgetting about the shop and kept driving for about 40 miles, gradually the alcohol wore off and we became tired and eventually turned the car around heading for home, I fell asleep as we traveled and what happened next is a bit of a blur, I remember waking up and looking down at the floor for my house keys and then looked up in time to watch us hurtling into trees at 70mph, I don’t remember screaming as the car smashed to pieces around us, and I don’t even remember any pain although about 10 of my bones where crushed, the last thing I do remember is not being able to stop myself from flying forward and what felt like my face exploding open in time to a massive bang as the engine burst and smoke and gas started streaming from it.

When I came round my first thought was of Aaron, we were still in the car and he wasn’t moving, although I was sure he was alive and appeared to be ok, in a rush of adrenalin I managed to unbuckle both our seatbelts and started screaming that we had to get out of the car before it exploded, my body felt as though it would crumble in excruciating pain and there was blood pouring from my face, my legs were trapped in the crushed engine and I was certain we were about to explode. Ill never know how we managed to get out, I think it goes to show that if you really want to do something then anything is possible, because the next thing I remember is being on the roadside, screaming and crying before being rushed to the hospital, where James was waiting for me.

Suddenly he cared about me again, despite the pain and shock I was in I was so happy to see him there, he must love me I thought, if he’s here. Still though he was quite cold with me and my heart sank a little as I realized that maybe things weren’t going to be ok after all. I was released from the hospital and as far as I know James and the girl he had been seeing haven’t spoken again since that day, he must have had one of the reality love checks that I had become so familiar with at the thought that he might lose me because he did become kinder for a while, I was unable to walk for five months and he never seemed to feel embarrassed about being with me, which I appreciated greatly. Aaron was fine, he had some troubles with his pelvis which he had broken a year previously but other than that he was unharmed, much to James’s disgust, I was once again banned from any communication with Aaron which I tried hard to do, but it did become increasingly harder the more time went on.

James got colder towards me as time increased and although he was now more affectionate with me in a sexual and kissing way, he often insulted me, calling me a fat bitch and a stupid whore all the time, if I retaliated he would hit me or push me over onto my injured legs, I remember one time he had me pinned against the wall, my legs where still healing but I could hobble around on crutches and we were celebrating my progress with a few drinks, as usual though James got drunk and violent, we started arguing about something and he slammed me against the wall by my throat, I had a bottle of beer in my hand which in my panic I tipped over him and I’m return he half threw half dropped me onto the floor. I screamed out in pain and started crying but he went and sat back down with a new beer and turned the TV up to drown out my sniffling.

There are some people who have seen things like this happen, sometimes ill be with friends and he will get out of control, and they always ask me why I am with him, but only a person who has been through it will ever understand, No matter how he hurts me, Or provokes me so that he can hurt me, or how he undermines me, the good things we do together will always rule over the bad, he often takes me to the cinema or out for meals, or buys me things unexpectedly. He tells me he loves me regularly and I do truly believe it.

They say that in child birth the mother always forgets how bad the pain was when she holds the baby, of course she will remember it was excruciating but never so much that it stops her from wanting another some day, this is natures way of making sure that we keep reproducing. I have never had a baby so I wouldn’t know but I can understand that it is so easy to forget the bad things when there is something good to take its place, it’s exactly the reason I am still in love with James, despite the way he treats me.

I need to know he loves me, I’m very insecure about losing people, about rejection and lack of being loved and he knows it, he also abuses it, but he has a very clever way of turning things around so they are always my fault, I can see that afterwards, when its too late to argue about it but always at the time I will usually agree that I am in the wrong, for instance there are the nights I have woken up to find him having sex with me while I sleep, often he will have been blocking my airways as he does it and laughing at my sleepy attempts to gasp for air. When I get angry he tells me it’s my own fault for not wanting to have sex with him often enough and would I rather he cheated? I have taken to pretending to be asleep when this happens now,instead of waking up and i let him carry on with it and finish up so that I can curl myself up and feel disgusted in secret, it’s easier than an argument and id only lose anyway. My self esteem is at rock bottom but I fear that without him I will as he often tells me, have nobody, and the friends I do have will not be enough. And most of all I am stupidly in love with him.

And so here I am, it’s been seven months since the accident, I can walk without crutches, I limp and I’m slow but I’m alive. I'm stuck in a relationship with an alcoholic wanker who I am in love with and life does not seem to be getting any easier. James works from 1pm until 10pm every day except Mondays so I don’t see him until 10.30 usually, I make dinner, we watch TV and he of course gets drunk, we then go to bed and at some point we will have a fight. I live for the days where we have something to do because 99% of them days we have fun and I remember why I am so in love with him. But as it is today I am here, lying on my bed and trying to figure out where on earth my life is leading, and why fate has chosen such a hard path for me. i listen for a while to the repeated words of the voices in my head that are stll chanting;

“I love him so much, I need him, I need him...I can’t let him go.
I love him so much, I need him, I need him...I can’t let him go.”

can i?