Never Let Go

She sat by the window, staring out at the black sky flawed here and there with tiny dots of yellow and a great big circle of beautiful light. Everything was silent in the house now. Joe and Anna were asleep, and she was certain her older brother, George, was fast asleep in his room connected to hers by a small bathroom. She looked around the small room painted in light green and furnished simply with a bed, vanity, dresser, and three doors: one leading out to the hall, one leading to the bathroom, and one opening to a tiny closet. And even though it was small, she didn’t complain. It was much better than her old room in her past life. Everything was much better now.

She closed her eyes and pulled the blanket up closer to her face, and tried to sleep. It seemed to her that morning came only a few minutes after she had fallen asleep. She could hear the sounds of life starting downstairs in the kitchen, and the scent of fresh coffee and toast crept through the crack under her bedroom door. She could feel the warmth of the sun penetrating through the window, heating up her back turned towards it. Then a gentle voice pulled her to reality.

“Leah.” George stood by the side of her bed, knowing better than to touch her.

She opened her eyes and looked at George for a minute or two before closing them again.

“Anna made breakfast. Get up.” He took a sit on the edge of the bed.

“What time is it?”

“Ten in the morning.”

“I couldn’t sleep last night.” She mumbled.

“Thinking about what?”

“About everything, nothing, I don’t know.” She sighed and though to herself ‘Thinking is all I do nowadays. Thinking, thinking, thinking, thinking…’

Breakfast was relatively quiet, as it has been for the past several months, as Anna and Joe tried to start conversations. George replied them and held interest as long as he could, whereas Leah didn't reply to them anymore. She didn’t do it to hurt them or push them away, and as ironic as it sounded, it held true, for she couldn't stop herself from making sharp, rude, mean comments.

Breakfast followed with Leah locking herself in her room until the next meal. In there she wrote, she read, she thought, she stared, she listened to music, but mostly thought to herself about her life. Having gone through fourteen years of her life being molested by her dad, physically abused by her mom, getting hooked on drugs and sex on the streets, and coping with depression through self-mutilation, she often had much to think about, and ended up wishing to press a reset button for her life most of the time. George was physically and sexually abused, too, by their parents, but led a straight, clean life for seventeen years. She wondered day after day why she had let her life go astray, and why she couldn't follow in the footsteps of George. She looked up to him immensly, and respected him and sought comfort in him only. George was all she had to hold onto in her life, and she never wanted to let him go. She hated to be more than ten feet away from him at all times, and she hated the thought of him turning eighteen.

She despised it when she had to go to therapy, which meant having to be separated from her brother, who also went to therapy three times a week, except to a different therapist at different times. But beyond that, she found it relieving, if ont frustrating, at times, to just talk about her brother, her adoptive parents, and self-injury, and to know that someone other than her brother was listening. She never, though, brought up the subject of her parents, abuse, and drug use.

“Anna and Joe are planning to complete the adoption process.” Leah distracted herself with a book while she said this.

“That’s great. Have you made any improvements with them?” Mr. Wilson, or Peter as he preferred to be called, asked.

“Not really. I try not to talk to them unless necessary. I can't help myself from being mean to them, you know? So I just don't really talk much."

"But by doing that, you're pushing them further away."

"But if I don't, I'll push them away and hurt them. Besides, I haven't blown up at them in almost three weeks. That's a good thing, right?"

"Of course."

"George is trying. I can see that."

"Maybe you could learn from him?" Peter suggested lightly.

"Maybe. He's turning eighteen in nine months and seven days."

“You keep a close count, don’t you?”

“I’m afraid that when he turns eighteen, you know, he’ll leave me or he’ll be kicked out, or something.”

“From what I hear, George is a wonderful brother. I’m certain he won’t do anything like that. Anna and Joe won’t kick him out if they’re adopting the two of you.”

“How would you know? You don’t know him. No one does but me.” Leah snapped. “Sorry.” Silence held the conversation for a while. "I haven't hurt myself in fifty-two days." She mumbled, wishing to change the subject.

“That’s good. Very good.”

The session ended a few minutes after, and Anna came to pick Leah up with George in the backseat of the SUV. The ride was silent except for the few words exchanged among the three from time to time.

That night, Leah walked into George’s room quietly, and slipped onto his bed. It was a little after three in the morning and Leah had spent four hours looking at the vacant wall on her room, thinking as usual.

“Can’t sleep?”

Leah nodded, which George could feel on his arm.

“I want to die, George. I don’t want to live with any of this anymore.” She whispered.

“If you die, I’ll die. You know that. We don’t have to live with this. It’s just a matter of time before things start to change for the good, you know?” George had encountered conversations such as this one many times with his sister previously, and always found ways to comfort her with his words.

“How long? How long before everything goes away? What if none of our past goes away?” Leah was softly crying now.

“It’ll take time, no doubt, but eventually it’ll all work out. Besides, you have me twenty-four seven.” He embraced his sister tightly against him and let her cry herself to sleep.

After well past an hour of silence between the two, George picked his sister up, and carried her to her own bed. Everything about her seems peaceful and serene when she slept, as if she was almost angelic. No sorrow, no anger, no angst, no sadness, and no loneliness could be felt of seen when she was asleep. He sat down by her side and sighed, looking out the window.

“You say you need me, and no doubt I’ll always be right here for you.” He whispered. “You say you want to die, and if you do, I would die, too. I hate my past as much as you hate yours, and although I seem collected on the outside, I'm a complete mess on the inside. You hold me together, Leah. You really do. You're the only reason I keep on waking up. You're the one who holds me together. I need you as much as you need me, if not more. Truth be told, I think you're stronger than I am. But the bottom line is, I need you, Leah, and I'll never let go."