Ever since the government legalized brain transplants, my job has gotten ten times more complicated. Half of my employees have left their jobs, too disturbed to take orders, and the other half refused to come out of the kitchen. They'd rather deal with grease burns and flipping burgers than talk to any of the customers.
The concept of brain transplants works like this: your body is dying, but your brain is free of any of the syndromes of aging, like Alzheimer's, etc. You sign a waiver and allow the doctors to remove your brain while your failing body is still alive. Using their updated techniques, they place it in a new, donated body, keeping your brain alive and functional the entire time.
So what's the problem, right? You're probably thinking that this sounds like a great advance in medical science.
Well, you're right about the second part, but unfortunately, like any other medical procedure that depends on donation, there was a serious lack of young people with 'organ donor' listed on their licenses who were willing to risk giving their entire person to some withered, rich geezer.
Too much demand and too little supply can lead to some fantastic innovations, so the brilliant scientists came up with an alternative, temporary plan to house all the extra customers while they were waiting for some young whippersnapper to die: animal bodies.
All the ape and monkey bodies were taken first, but then the government declared their species to be endangered due to overhunting, and so the scientists had to go with lesser animals, mainly sheep, pigs, and horses.
....And cows. Like the one who stood across the counter from me, perusing the lighted billboard menu and trying gravely to decide.
"Sir?" I asked him.
"Hold on, young man, I'm trying to read! My eyes aren't what they used to be, you know."
Squinting, the bovine peered at the menu, leaning his unwieldy cow's head far past the dividing counter and over into my side of the McDonald's.
I took a step back, my allergies acting up. Besides the problem of having a barnyard animal in McDonald's and having to clean up the occasional pile of manure, I was allergic to fur.
Stifling a sneeze, I said, "Store policy dictates that the customer cannot go past the counter. Please, sir, could you step back?"
The cow ignored me, but the increasingly long line of customers behind him began to mutter to themselves. Most of the younger people were disturbed or disgusted over the new transplant policies, and had very little sympathy for the elderly that refused to die. I was a little more understanding, but, being middle aged, the younger customers probably viewed me as an ancient, withered crone as well.
Finally, after another two minutes of silent, intense perusal, the cow moved his head back over to the customer's side of the counter.
"I think..." started the cow.
"Yes?" I said.
"I think I'll have a hamburger."
The cow nodded to himself, satisfied that he had finally come to a decision.
I stared at him, unsure of what to say. Finally, aware of how impatient the crowd of customers was growing, I knew I had to do something.
"Sir, are you sure?"
"Of course I'm sure, sonny-boy! I want a hamburger!"
"But you're a cow," I argued. Two people at the back of the line turned around and left the McDonalds. I was losing customers, true, but I couldn't just give him what he wanted.
"Only temporarily," said the cow. He glanced one clever, measuring eye at the line of young people behind him. "Until someone finally gets off their lazy tuff and donates their bodies like any decent person."
He swung his head around and addressed the line behind him. "Remember, kids! Driving motorcycles is a fun thing to do! Never wear a helmet! They aren't...oh, what's the word?....groovy. You'll look pretty dang ridiculous with one on.
"Trust me," said the oversized bovine. He turned back towards me with a self-congratulatory gleam in his eye. "That should take care of it," he muttered to me. "I'll be getting a fresh, new body any day now."
I couldn't say anything. I literally couldn't. I just stood there, my mouth hanging open.
The cow mooed impatiently. "Where the hell's my hamburger?" he demanded.
That snapped me out of my daze.
"Sir!" I said, "I can't offer you a hamburger."
"Why not?"
I paused, trying to think of a diplomatic response.
"Because you are hamburger, you old coot," someone from the line behind him called out.
"Who said that?" demanded the cow. No one answered.
The cow turned back to me. "I demand my lunch! Give me a hamburger!"
"But it's cannibalism!" I protested. "And besides, you're an herbivore! You can't digest meat!"
"I can digest anything I want!" shouted the cow, releasing a ghastly smelling fart in his rage.
Four of the people behind him leapt backwards, away from the cow's behind, and then, coughing and choking, left the restaurant.
"If you don't give me my hamburger, I'll sue you for discrimination!" the cow screamed, flicking bits of spittle on me as he went on. "You're just being racist against me! You don’t have no sympathy for an older gentleman like myself! Racist!"
I backed away, grabbing a cheap paper napkin to wipe off the cow spit. Not saying a word, I moved towards the hamburger tray and grabbed one of the wrapped hamburgers, still warm from the high-wattage bulb that dangled above them.
"Here, sir," I said, shoving the burger onto a plastic tray and sliding it in front of him.
"And no onions," demanded the cow.
I rolled my eyes. Screw 'the customer is always right' crap, I was sick of this guy.
"Just take it," I said.
"But onions will make my milk taste funny," whined the cow.
I said nothing, merely crossing my arms and glaring. Finally, the cow grabbed the hamburger with his mouth, paper wrapping and all, and clomped towards the exit doors.
He didn't pay for the burger, but I didn't care. Anything to get him out of there.
I watched as he nudged the doors open with his head and started outside. Right before he completely exited the building, he released his bowels and dropped a huge, stinking cow pie on my freshly mopped tile floor.
Damn it. I hate it when the customers do that.
"Clean up time, Jaoquin," I spoke into the microphone that connected to a speaker in the back of the restaurant. "Could you please grab the mop and bucket and come to the front?"
"Hell no!" came a shout from behind the hamburger tray. "You do it! I ain't paid enough!"
I sighed. That was the answer I'd been expecting. "Then would you at least come up here and handle the customers while I clean up?"
"Any more cows?" he asked, suspicion permeating his voice.
"Not a one," I replied.
"Fine," he said and I smiled.
I left my place behind the cash register and went to the supply closet to grab a mop and bucket.
True, there weren't any more cows in the line, but Jaoquin hadn't asked about the two horses and the orangutan.
Author notes
"You're the human magic marker, won't you please surprise my eyes"
Here's my greatest 'cow orders a hamburger' story ever.
Heh, and it continues with my ongoing theme of cannibalism. ;-)
And a brief poem...:
Sun vs. Moon.
It will happen soon,
but which one will win?
....there's no point in continuing this rhyme because if the sun fights the moon, everyone on earth will be DEAD!
/beautiful poetry. Heheheh.
A contest entry
- Hurry up and save yourself a Spot! by Greeneyes15.
245 points, ended August 7, 2007, 14 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - Give me a good... by Yi Yin.
230 points, ended August 21, 2007, 25 entries
Honorable winner
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - Hmm... by darkpaintedreams.
350 points, ended October 11, 2007, 40 entries
Honorable winner
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - That's weird, eh? by Manifesto.
225 points, ended November 10, 2007, 14 entries
Bronze trophy winner
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - Storywrite's Next Top Story Creation by whichcraft.
350 points, ended May 12, 38 entries
Honorable winner
• next story in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 27 of 27
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I thought your story was very funny and I enjoyed reading it. I liked how the cow wanted to have a hamburger. I guess cows look at it differently than humans would if we had to eat a humanburger. Anyway, I thought it was nicely done. Thank you for entering and good luck.
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*laughs* Wow, you certainly have a gift for setting up improbably and funny situations, that's for sure! He's going to get mad cow disease...that's what cannibalism causes... *laughs* I love the way that, even though this whole piece is hilarious, you tell it in a serious tone, as if the whole thing were true and the fact that's it's funny is just one of those ironies in life. Excellent!
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A cow walks in and orders a hamburger...Oh, the irony!
Watch him get indigestion, eating that.
Nice poem in the author's notes... X3
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Amazing!
It's such a strange story but I loved it! The idea of cows ordering burgers is great. Well done! -
Thats a weird idea. I wouldn't want someone walking around in my body or walking around as a cow but it is a great idea for a story. Great job and good luck in the contest.
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YES. That was excellent! I loved the idea and the writing style suited it perfectly.
Well done and good luck
~Talia -
FUNNY!!!
This is hilarious. a very interesting idea. Scientists.. don't try this in your laboratories!
I hope that scientiss dont try this in the future... thats just gross -
I liked it. Lots of laughs.
I'm still giggling. Okay the racist pun was a little raw but I found it funny. You didn't want corrections so I didn't look for goofs. I think the ending fit in perfectly.
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EXCELLENT! EXCELLENT!!!!
Hello Delfishie: This is the funniest thing I've ever encountered in my 52 years on this planet. Thank you so much for brightening up my day! I can't critisize or correct anything. It's just perfect!
Anaya Roma
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That was weird, but fun at the same time, I liked it, made me chuckle.
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It's kinda freaky for me ^_^; but well done!
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You're poem is funny! hehe... and so is this passage... I'm surprised I found something that has meaning in a funny prose like this. I didn't like the cow-man too... and wow..
Just one thing, "Not a one," I replied. Shouldn't it be "Not one"?
anyways, Good Job!
And Good Luck for the contest! -
Lol nice poem. Good luck.
x Julez -
Unique and entertaining
This was so much fun to read. I love how the customer pointed out pretty much what the narrator probably wanted to say. I'm gonna have to watch for any updates by you in the future, your story sure seems to have cheered up my oh so dull day.
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This was too funny.you do think of wild situations.The brain transplants,THen the lack of young bodies and the cow ordering a hamburger!!!!you sure have a great sense of humour. Good one!!!!!!
. Rewarded 4
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Ha, this was so funny! Hilarious, seriously, I love the last line. Seriously this was absolutely hilarious! AMAZING!
. Rewarded 4
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Ha Ha this was awsome, I absolutely loved it! I mean it was insanely good. You fleshed out the story wonderfuly, and it was a great idea, You have a lot of talent, keep it up!
. Rewarded 4
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Creepy
This story was soooo creepy it gave me shivers! This was one heck of a write! Awesome job my friend! Awesome!
That's the way to knock a readers socks off!
Bravo!
. Rewarded 4
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*blinks* I...uh...
*picks herself up off the floor where she had ended up in a puddle of giggles*
This is the reason I love this place! This story right here, this is fantastic! From start to end, you are a great wordsmith and I adore you!
*looks at part of the pile of crap on the floor and falls off chair again* Oh, god, some one help.... I think I finally get the Mad Cow scare!
. Rewarded 8
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Dammit, I was hoping the cow was working at McDonald's...how funny would THAT be?!? LOL
Excellent story, funny stuff as always...don't change a thing...don't edit for the contest....It's great as it is!
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Moovelous
A Happy Meal!
No Brainer.
The proprietor simply should have offered the bovine a Big-Moo.
GA -
this was great! heh
Man... I dunno where you get those crazy thoughts of yers, but they sure are damn funny! lol. This made me laugh to myself in several parts. What a funky imagination you have my dear!! LOL!
. Rewarded 4
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No, don't change it just for a contest, this is unique and different--just great!!
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A cow in the back of the McDonald's. I love it.
By the way, I think the word "police" where you wrote "store police dictates" should be "policy". I could be wrong.
I laughed out loud at the part where the cow orders a hamburger and then tells the kids to ride motorcycles with helmets so he can get a new body, and where the narrator says, "Screw the customer is always right crap, I was sick of this guy."
Hilarious, and with next to no errors.
Good luck in the contest!. Rewarded 8
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Heh, thanks for the review and for pointing out the spelling error. It's so hard to find all the mistakes in a story, so I appreciate the help. :-D
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o man! i wish you wouldn't have ignored the word limit! this was such a great, amuxing story, i didn't think anyone would coose that opition, but threw it in there anyway for fun. but, unfortunatly, if you leave it like this, so far over the word count, i won't be able to leave it in the contest for a prise. it just simply isn't fair if one person gets to go over the word count and the the others don't. i mean, if you just try and shorten it, just for this contest, you could always add the rest back in after the contest has ended.
--Greeneyes
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Great, it's really fun!! anyway, once everyone is in i'll be posting the prompts so make sure that you keep an eyes out for those and check the contest. Thank you so much for enter the contest! i wish you good luck!!
--Greeneyes
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