Let Me Call You Sweetheart As Long As I Can Pick Your Pocket1
By: Ima S. Tupid2
3
Have you ever been caught in a time warp on a foriegn planet? This is just that kind of story. I'll be willing to bet there are many of you out there. You come from a dysfunctional family but have wittnessed from time to time normal family units. You have a spiritual belief so hope is always a part of you or not depending on your religion. I mean you could have hope but feel guilty because you have hope, you know what I mean? You experience enough of your goals to know a success experience but never THE success experience. The Cleaver/Father Knows Best goal that you set for yourself as a child is never quite attained, even though as you grew older and somewhat wiser to the reality that these families and the family customs of the wife staying at home to care for the home and family only existed on TV; this is or was a deeply seeded idea of how life should be. 4
If you recognize anything familiar as a part of your psyche, you are a prime target for Reck Rutter from the planet Rutt. He is a needy individual and is just what your mothering instincts needs. Of course he has his problems but your love will change all. The cottage with the white picket fence is being built in your mind the longer yoou date. It's only a matter of time until you'll be vaccuming in your pearls and flared skirt dress with a white pearl buckle belt and high heels. However, before your dreams can be accomplished Reck needs a few material things to motivate his happiness. After all, if he's happy, you will be happy, and he would want to give you all of your dreams too. I mean, he loves you as much as you love him, doesn't he?5
You embark on your life's journey to achieve your happiness and goals. You marry your "true love." You are young and believe that if he loves you as much as you love him the whole planet is perfect. Now this is the tricky part of the relationship. You believe that he loves you as much as you love him and you would never decieve or lie to him so of course, he would never decieve or lie to you. So when you have to pay for your engagement ring and he says: "I'll pay you back," you believe him. When he says he'll handle all the money, you agree. After all, it happened this way with the Cleavers and Father Knows Best. He desperately needs his material possessions to motivate his happiness and if he is handling the money, his happiness will come even quicker. 6
Your happiness comes from making him happy. You worked the overtime to pay for the new stereo played at deafening levels, the two TV's so you can go to another room to watch what you want, the two cars and a truck and a motorcycle so you will have a way to get to work to pay for all of these pleasures. He, of course, cannot work more than forty hours in a week because he has always been sickly and needs his rest. He had to wear a hat every time he went out to play as a little boy, summer or winter. You know that kind of hat that has a large bill and ear flaps. It scared him for life. You don't want to do anything to further traumatize him. You do want him to be happy so you will be happy. Yes indeed, life with Reck is way beyond what you could ever dream.7
There are planetary customs on Planet Rutt that you may not be familar with concerning your new in-laws and Reck's relationship with his family. It is customary for the in-laws to visit every other day and to bring groceries. The same groceries every other day especially if you have ever run out of milk prior to their visit. You must always, always, always have milk available for their growing son. Failure to have milk in the refrigerator at all times constitutes grounds for spousal abuse that can be charged by his mother.8
It is considered a grand offering to bring pork liver to the newlyweds on Planet Rutt. It should weigh at least twelve pounds and be fresh and uncut. Reck's parents observed this tradition with great pomp and circumstance by leaving it on your doorstep while you were taking classes at the University of Rutt so you can get a good education and a degree to support Reck in the manner he is accustomed. You cannot begin to know the delight of such a gift especially if you don't have a way of cutting or freezing such a large gift so you don't have to cook it and eat it all at one dinner. Your family and friends are overjoyed at the dinner invitiation but not so much of the dinner. The in-laws are prohibited from attending and eatting any of the celebratory offering per planetary custom.9
As the years pass, other offerings are often brought and left on the doorstep. The egg, milk, and watermelon offering three times per week for eight weeks is a delight of unbelievable magnitutude, as is finding the puppy tied to the door knob offering. The puppy offering means so much especially as you are working full time and going to shcool. You being the nuturer are totally responsible for the care, feeding and poop patrol. You are so happy that you're mothering skills can be extended from Reck to a little puppy too.10
Not all plantary customs were as meaningful as the food and animal offering. The never eatting at your house or spending the night at your house when you move to other regions of the planet are certainly not to be overlooked. Although at the time it seemed rude and inconsiderate for them not to appreciate your hospitality. I might add that the joys that you missed because of this custom are not truly appreciated until one reaches the wisdom that comes with age. 11
It is also customary for the mother-in-law to leave a lasting impression with each visit. The best are given as you are pulling out of the driveway after a three hour visit at the castle Planet Rutt. "Oh, by the way, the Doctor said I had a heart attack on Tuesday but don't worry." You can also be assured with each and every visit she will have a new piece of fine jewelry. You are also required by planetary law to be informed each and every time that someday it will be yours when she dies soon. The custom of the mother-in-law's relatives having you go up prior to the closing of her coffin when she actually does die after twenty some years of dying someday soon, and having to remove all of her fine jewelry in the presence of witnesses is ranked high on the list of honors bestowed as being Reck's wife.12
Customs on Planet Rutt did have a built in safety net for you when those times of providing happiness for Reck became too good to continue. You are allowed to call the mother-in-law at anytime and claim insensitivity and spousal abuse toward her son. This immediately mandated either a prompt appearance by the in-laws at your doorstep to take Reck back to their home or the arrival of a private helicoptor to whisk Reck away from you, a scheming and cunning woman. Knowing this to be Reck's worst nightmare, you can use this often and selfishly when providing Reck's happiness is beyond any dream that you ever imagined. Life at the castle of Planet Rutt could be compared to "One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest" and although there were many customs and cultural differences. there was only one law of the land. Life is to be pure misery and then you die.13
The Honors of Being Married to Reck Rutt14
Honors, so, so many, let me count. One, two, three....... There was the honor of cleaning up the booger hankerchief balls, the honor of doing all the yard work since remote controlled mowers and rakes were not availalble, the honor of working all the overtime, the honor of doing all the housework, the honor of staying awake all night, when he decided he had to have his space and stayed out drinking at the local strip bar, how many honors can one accept in a lifetime?15
Reck also wore a badge of honor. He was a sickly child whose father died when he was a toddler and if you'll remeber he had to wear that hat. As a result he got to wear the badge of honor of chronic depression. All the honors bestowed as his wife were done so because he could only wear this one honor. As Reck's wife, you got to have the honor of being a mother subsitute and the cause of any and all problems in the home. As he so fondly stated so many times over the years: "We're like two armed camps ready for war and you need to work on your problems so I can be happy." 16
Since Reck had a degree in counseling, counseling for yourself and the marriage was a must. You got to wear the badge of honor for all the problems in everyone's eyes including your counselor. What a trip for the self-esteem and self-worth and self-love it was. Counseling sessions two times per week for years before you found out Reck was having an affair with the counselor. Love is blind and stupid.17
Reck also wore the badge of honor for being a stud, he thought. Unfortunately, the badge was never worn at home. It wasn't until the marriage was over that you found out how often he wore the stud badge. Even then it was hard to believe. It was only after the divorce that you discover what a true stud was and Reck was never one. Reck had once told your teenage son that you were promiscuous when you were young. Reck never realized the close bond and open communication you had with your son. It wasn't a difficult disclosure to inform your son that if you had ever had sex before you had married his father, you would have never stayed married to him. Reck's sex could best be described as a Disney World ride; an hour's wait and work for a ten minute ride if that. If you wanted a roller coaster ride of thrills and chills, you usually ended up on the merry go round on a bench, not even a horse that went up and down.18
The honor of being an ex-wife was a long time coming but life circumstances seemed to make leaving not appropriate. After ten years of infertility you had decided to file for divorce and you become pregnant. This baby was not to be on this physical plane. He was stillborn. The tragedy brought you closer than you had ever been. The next year this closeness would bring a present from Reck that although extremely painful would also bring the most joy and love you could ever imagine. You end up with pelvic inflammatory disease that is unresponsive to oral anitbiotics and you end up in the hospital on IV antibiotics and having to have a laporoscopy and D&C. You have endometriosis and either have to get pregnant or go into a drug induced menopause. You choose to get pregnant and do within a month of the operation. It would be a complicated pregnancy and you get to spend six months in bed to get your son born healthy and alive. Your badge of motherhood is worn with love, pride and honor.19
Parenthood20
You had always wanted children and after ten years years of infertility it had become an obsession. When you finally do become pregnant after deciding to file for divorce, well, how conflicted and one person be? Pregnancy in the best of time brings ambivalance no matter if it be planned or not. You are happy but there was a forboding feeling of something being wrong from the day you found out you were pregnant. The obsession of being pregnant and having a child overrode that feeling and you allowed yourself to be happy and have dreams of a normal loving family.21
Knowing your in-laws yearning for grandchildren, you thought that they would have been happy and pleased and although they may have been, the customary use of wording about pregnancy was a bit confusing. You were in your fifth month when they decided to make the trek from the castle of Planet Rutt and had just started to wear maternity clothes. It was such the wonderful moment when you went out to greet their arrival and was told: "Why you can't even see anything is wrong with her." Yes, it was a wonderful visit.22
It was the next month that the doctor said: "I think there might be something wrong." The baby doesn't appear to be growing at the rate he should. Within weeks you would be in bed with Pregnancy Induced Hypertension caused by stress. The blood flow would be decreased to the baby because of spasms of the blood vessels and he would seizure and die inside of you. The fact that your blood pressure was dangerously high and that you could seizure and die at any moment also was not even a concern of yours. All you could think about was your baby.23
The events leading up to his death would be replayed for years to come. It was Thanksgiving and you had just spent the week in the hospital. You begged to go home for Thanksgiving even if it meant lying on your left side for the rest of the pregnancy to improve the blood flow to your baby and letting Reck cook Thanksgiviving dinner. It was cold and Reck did not want a high heat bill to pay so instead of lying in your kingsize bed upstairs, you had been moved into the kitchen/den with the fireplace for warmth and was sleeping on a sofa bed. Reck did cook a decent turkey and potatoes and gravy. Even though you had to stay in bed and it was cold, it was Thanksgiving and you were home. It would be the most memorable Thanksgiving in your life. It would be forever remembered as the day your son died.24
As stated in the honors of being Mrs. Reck Rutt, parenthood would come with extreme sorrow and extreme joy and blessings. The extreme sorrow would be the death of her first son cause by the Pregnancy Induced Hypertension. The extreme joy and blessings would come with the birth of another son and the gift of an adopted daughter. It was an honor of overwhelming blessings to be the mother of these two beautiful and wonderful children. Reck also took the honor of being a father seriously.25
Reck took parenthood so seriously that he quit work to become Mr. Mom. He also thought about his financial responsiblity to his family and he worked one night a week delivering pizza's. Unfortunately, Reck's badge of depression often interfered with his parenting skills and you often came home at lunch from your job to find the baby in wet diapers, no bottle and Reck asleep. Other times would find your six year old son on a chair in the kitchen doing the dishes while Reck slept on the couch.26
Reck was not ever able to understand why you put the baby into daycare. He was a good Mr. Mom in his own mind. He was also a legend in his own mind. As the years pass, his parenting skills became even more outstanding. When he bought his little red sports care with only two seats and no where for your daughter to sit, he put her in the back with no seatbelt. When questioned about his sense of safety for her, he replied that he had talked to the dealership about putting a seatbelt in but that if he had a wreck with the children in the car and your daughter in the back, she would probably die of a broken neck anyway. He finally compromised and sat both children in the same seat and seatbelt when he took them for visitation. He was proud of his parenting skills and bragged about them often. 27
Another memoraable parenting event for Reck was the Christmas present he gave his fourteen year old son, a box of condoms. It is a mother's dream to have her children become sexually active at such a young age, not! This is especially so when your job includes delivering babies of teenage girls and teaching about sexually transmitted diseases. All of your lectures and showing your son pictures of how his penis would fall off if he had sex before marriage were out the window. It is not that you actually believe that this story will actually stop his sexual experimentation but at least possibly postpone it and hopefully keep you from becoming a grandmother too soon. 28
I should interject a word about the customs of grandparenthood here. According to Planet Rutt tradition, the wife and grandchildren cannot be fitted into the triangle of the family unit. You and the grandchildren are religated to a place on the other side of the planet with only brief command appearances. What was once thought that children would bring a nightmare of overindulgences by the royal grandparents of Planet Rutt, turned out to be sparcely scattered gifts from yard sales and brief interactions with the children since all their attenttion was placed upon Reck. One memorable gift was the ten pairs jeans bought for your son when he was a year and a half old. The royal grandparents had found them at a yard sale and snatched them up. Unfortunately for your son, the jeans were size seven and would not fit him for years to come and then never be worn because your son refused to wear jeans. Your father had made a fashion impression on your son and he only wore izod and kackies until his teen years and then he only wore designer jeans. No, your son would never be the fashion icon his father claimed to be with a ponytail and beard and used bargain clothing and cowboy boots. 29
In the years to come both children would have wonderful meet my Dad moments. Parenthood on Planet Rutt brought many great and wonderful honors and warm kodak moments shared with the children. You can hardly believe your ears when both your children state that they never want to have children. Could it be your child rearing skills? If this is the case, why are both children living beside you with their spouses and use you as their sounding board for life decisions and learning life lessons? What a mystery about their decisions on parenthood or not? Do they carry the familial gene of Planet Rutt that would have them rear their children in the same traditon or do they carry normal genes? As I watch them rear their pets, I know in my heart of hearts that they carry the normal parenting gene of selfless, unconditional love and non-judgement and acceptance of the personality of their pet. I think that the care and feeding of a pet is good parenting practice especially if it is a dog. Dogs require more parental interaction than cats. Cats are much more self-relient and have higher self esteem than dogs. Cats don't need to be told how good they are. They already know it.30
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Vacations and Entertainment32
All vacations and entertainment revolved around one aspect. Free. It was a yearly ritual to call old friends who lived near the beach and tell them we were coming for a visit. Reck could then go to spend all day at the beach and return for free room and board. It never occured to him to bring groceries or to take his host out to dinner this was left to you and the money you had to borrow to buy the gas for the trip down to the beach, the groceries, and dinners out for everyone to repay them for their hospitality. All other activities on vacation had to be free as well. Any historical landmarks could be observed from a distance and a postcard brought for historical facts if there was an admission fee. 33
Vacation souviners were priceless and that's because they were without price. Rutt would comb the beach after sundown for anything left behind by beach goers. Each year his collection of towels, t-shirts, and bags grew and should the t-shirt be too small it was given with pride to one of the children as a vacation present. The joy of recieving such a gift was so overwhelming it just couldn't be expressed except by tears. Rutt was convinced the this practice wasn't a complete loss since all the childrens "presents" were donated to Goodwill for a tax deduction. 34
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The greatest delight of Reck's vacation was to go beach combing late in the evening to bring back towels, t-shirts, or anything else he deemed of value so he could use it at home and wear it next year at the beach or much to their embarrassment, save it for the kids to wear to school the next year. 36
Bronze trophy winner
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