The Last Unseen (Chapters 1-4)

THE LAST UNSEEN

PART ONE: THE REALM OF MONSTERS

BY M.C.CARLYLE

INTRODUCTION

(What once was and may never will be)

In this world prejudice and tyranny grip the land like an iron fist. The land was once ripe and fertile, but now all has turned grim and gray. The air used to smell of salt from the ocean, of mint and pine from the dense forest, and the smell of the morning dew could wake the senses.

Now the air smells of nothing but rotting death as if the whole land were dying. The ocean was once blue and the sound of waves crashing gently against the rocks was like the very sound of tranquility. Now the water is black as death and just as calm.

The night’s sky was once filled with a million diamonds that shinned so bright they stung the eyes with unyielding beauty. Now only shadows loom overhead casting over the world with its darkness and desolation. Mountains stood so high with their snowcapped peaks you could have sworn that they were a place of gods. Now the mountains seemed to crumble away and a fortress of iron stands in their place.

There was once a kingdom where all who lived there felt at peace with each other and them selves, and the spirits of the earth lived among them, ever giving ever caring. Now there is only fear and hate, and the spirits of the earth have turned away and died, turning hope into nothing more than a glimmer of the faintest flame about to be extinguished at any moment. A world of beauty has been turned into the realm of monsters.

Born

1-1

The Slums, residents of the poor, a place for the dark hearted, the lost and the wandering. Adobes line the streets, built on top of one another like blocks made of cracking clay and cheap mortar. The streets and allies twist and turn like a labyrinth. A sudden down pour of rain begins to fill the streets with mud and the wet stench of filth and rot fill the night’s air.

A Dangerous place to be after the sun goes down, for the creatures of the night come out to prey on the weak.

A young man awakens deep within the allies of the slums. His naked body shivers in the cold as rain beats down on him as if it were trying to push him into the ground. As he slowly stands, head throbbing, hands and feet bleeding, he tries to remember where he is or how he got there. His mind draws a painful blank, as he can’t even remember who he is or what his name is.

He begins to slowly make his way down the ally, his right arm braced against the wall to hold him up. Cold and naked he searches for his way home, even though he has no idea where home is or if it even exists. His lungs are sore, his heart racing as if it were about to burst from his chest.

“Was I running from something?” He thinks aloud as he stops after a short distance to catch his breath. He continues on shivering and feeling confused, his hair thick with mud and his skin covered in filth. He stumbles and falls here, coughing up blood over there.

Slowly his eyes begin to adjust to the darkness and black turns to mixed shades of gray. As he approaches the end the ally he looks up to see a dark mass starring back at him with a single red eye burning bright like a hot coal. The young man froze with panic, the dark mass was immense and loomed high over the young mans head. But the dark mass continued to only stand before the young man, starring past him. A few short moments later the dark mass shifted and the red eye walked away from the young man, it’s heavy footsteps pounding in the mud.

The young man continued to stand still until the footsteps faded away, then his head began to swirl about in a daze, he dashed out in to the street, feeling sick form fear. He fell to his hands and knees and his stomach turned over one last time before he began to vomit.

Afterwards the sickness left him and he lay in the street on his belly beginning to feel a little better. Only he still could not remember who he was, or where he was trying to go. His mind felt like it had been broken into a thousands pieces. The harder he tried to gather the shards together the further they seemed to become scattered. He lifted his head up to gaze out in to the street. Not a single soul could be seen, the rain had suddenly stopped but the streets lay abandoned. Born continued to lay in the mud his head swimming about in a storm of confustion.

Then suddenly the faint light from a torch could bee seen from across the street, and a short husky creature began to approach the young man, eyes shinning bright from the fire of the torch. The creature was wearing a worn woolen cloak and was soaking wet, the hood of the cloak was still dripping water. The creature knelt down next to the young man, removed a blanket from its backpack placed it over the young man. The blanket was dry and instantly began to warm the young mans body.

“Easy now.” The creature’s wispy voice told him. The young man lifted his head to look at the creature’s face. Its forehead was large and covered in short fur, and its brow sat low over the top of its large round eyes, which were all white and seemed to shine naturally. The creature’s cheeks were wide and plump, and a small hairless snout drooped down giving it a long shaped face with a stringy and frizzled beard. In a way it looked like something between an ape and a dog.

”W-who, are you?” The young man asked.

“ Its me, Judah. Everything is going to be ok Born, I’m your friend.”

“Born. Is that my name?”

“What’s the matter, can you remember anything?”

“Everything is…so, mixed up.” Born said.

”It’s going to be ok Born. Can you stand?”

”I Think so.” Born said as he got up from off his knees.

”What’s happened to me?”

“That is going to have to wait. We need to get going. We have to get back home now. There is no time to explain.”

Born and Judah made their way back into the ally. Born moved as quickly as he could as he limped along hanging on Judah’s shoulder.

”Please Judah, tell me what’s going on.” Born pleaded.

“It’s the Night Watch, they’ll be looking for humans like you. You shouldn’t be out here, it’s too dangerous, and if they find you they’ll take you away and put you into slavery or worse. They will kill you.”

Off in the distance Born could hear a faint whirling sound and an electrical hum. As Born looked back he saw a light in the sky, shinning down on the slums searching for something.

”Run!” Judah cried out, and he and Born began sprinting through the ally way. Slowly the spotlight began to close in on Born and Judah, the electrical hum getting closer. Just up ahead Born saw a pile of wooden crates and garbage.

“Judah over there!” Born said as he pointed to the crates. Suddenly they changed direction and made their way to take cover just as the light got overhead.

Born could hear shouts and the heavy footsteps of their pursuers.

“ Capture the Humans!” yelled one of the guards. As the Spotlight shinned down directly on top of them Born notice three humans running from the guards.

“ They’re after them.” Born whispered to Judah.

“Quiet, don’t talk.” Judah replied.

Suddenly a loud bang echoed through the air. Born watched as the humans run past him. Then long spears began to rain down from the sky. The young boy in the front managed to avoid the first few spears but he was struck in the back just below the neck. Blood and bone bust from the exit wound as the spear popped out of his chest. The boy was dead before he hit the ground. The second was no younger than Born, he lay in the mud, tugging at a spear that had penetrated through his ankle pinning him to the ground.

“Kya run!” the man screamed. A young girl ran past her fallen friend but was suddenly stopped in her tracks as a steel net wrapped itself around her. She lost her balance and fell down. The girl franticly struggled to break free, but the harder she tried to escape the more the net tightened and began to cut into her flesh. The girl quickly grew exhausted and just laid in the mud, whimpering.

A few moments later their pursuers approached. Born couldn’t see their faces but he knew they weren’t human. They were all clad in armor, metal and ring-mail clanked together as they walked, their heavy footsteps splashing in the mud. The first walked up to the young man with the spear in his ankle. The guard yanked out the spear with disregard and the young man gave out a short cry of pain just before the guard struck him in the head with the butt of his spear. The girl began to cry uncontrollably but a second guard landed a mailed fist into her jaw and knocked her out.

The guards dragged the two unconscious runaways by their feet through the ally, while another guard dragged the dead boy by the spear that was lodged in his chest. A trail of blood followed the path leading away from the ally. Born and Judah waited till the allies grew silent again before emerging from the crates and trash. Born was able to take only a few steps before his skin grew pale and his head began to start swirling again. He lost his footing and plummeted to the ground. Judah attempted to catch him but wasn’t fast enough. Born saw Judah standing over top of him, and then everything went black.

Isabella

1-2

It had started raining again and water began to seep through the top of the mud and straw roof of the hut. Muddy drops of water hit Isabella’s face bringing with them a cold and bitter chill. Isabella curled up and tried to nozzle up against the others for warmth. There were no beds, only hard rotting hay that smelled of mold and piss. There were several other slaves in the small hut; women, children, and the elderly alike were crammed inside. Some were coughing and catching cold, a baby was crying from somewhere on the other side of the pitch-black room. Isabella had grown used to it and usually had no trouble sleeping but she had been woken up in the night by a loud crash or bang.

“Jonas, are you awake?” Isabella said softly.

“Yeah.” The voice next to her said. Isabella heard Jonas shift his weight. “What’s the matter? Did you have a nightmare or something?” Jonas said. “No. I heard a bang. Didn’t you hear it?”

“I heard it. Now I’m trying to get back to sleep and you should too, it’ll be a long day tomorrow.” Jonas told Isabella.

“I can’t. I’m scared for Kya and the others. Do you think maybe they caught Jojo? He said he’s come back for us.” Isabella said.

“ I don’t think he’s coming back Bell, even if he did make it out. No one ever comes back.”

Jonas knew that Isabella and Jojo liked each other. Sometimes when Jojo was in the kitchen he would steal food for her, even after he had been caught before. Just yesterday he had given her a lily flower that he had picked from somewhere.

“ It’s beautiful.” She told him.

“ Not nearly as beautiful as you.” Jojo said replied.

“We’re going through with it Bell, and I want you to come with me. We are leaving after dark tonight.” Jojo said.

“I can’t.” Isabella said. She wouldn’t leave without her brother Leo or her best friend Jonas.

“Jonas.” Isabella said. ”Yeah.” “ Do you ever wonder what it would be like to be out there? To be free?” Isabella asked.

“I try not to.”

“Why not?”

“Because it’s no use. We’ll never be free. All the beasts hate us. They’d never let us leave this place.” Jonas said.

“Well I do. I think about what it would be like outside the wall, and sometimes I think about going even further away, maybe across the ocean to another world.” Isabella said.

“You wouldn’t make it past the wall.” Jonas said. Mentioning the wall made Isabella think about her father; who had built the wall along with the other slaves so many years ago. Isabella wished she had known her father better. He was always gone, working in the mines or the iron forge where her brother Leo worked now. Even though she couldn’t really remember her father she could remember her mother well. She was beautiful with long dark hair and dark eyes. She used to brush her hair while she sing her songs and tell her stories about the old king and the old way. Before they were all slaves. Even her mother and father were born slaves; it was her grandparents that had been free. She missed her mother and father; she missed Jojo and Kya. Now it was just she, Leo and Jonas. Sometimes even with Jonas around, she felt all alone.

“Maybe someday the world will change and we can be free.” Isabella said with hope.

“We’re all going to die here Bell; you, me, your brother. Nothing can change that. If I were you, I wouldn’t think too much about it. Now try and get some sleep.” Jonas said bitterly.

Isabella closed her eyes and tried to fall asleep. When sleep finally took her she dreamed of a man working in the iron forge. She was still a child, young and innocent. The man stood before the blazing hot forge hammering out a sword. His body a silhouette of shadow only to be reviled for a moment as the hammer struck the hot metal, sparks danced in the air, whirling around each other till they disappeared.

“Father?” Isabella asked from across the room. The man stopped and turned to look at Isabella. “Do you know why the sparks fly like that, child?” The man asked. Isabella shook her head no.

“It’s because there is life in them. In the fire you see. With out the fire the metal is dead and cold. But it springs to life if only for an instant as my hammer comes down.”

BANG! The hammer came down and sparks filled the air, dancing and whirling. BANG! The man lifted the metal blade and dunked into a barrel of water. Hot steam rose and filled the air. Isabella came closer to the man who would be her father but the man stepped away from her and turned towards the fire.

“Always remember my child. There is life inside the fire, and as long as it burns bright the spirit never dies. Remember that next time you look to the stars. They are the fires that burn brightest of all. ” The man said.

”But father the stars are gone.” Isabella replied. The man finally turned to look Isabella in the eyes. As the man turned, his face and shape changed suddenly and he was no longer her father, but instead her brother, Leo. “Brother?” Isabella asked.

“Sweet sister. The stars are not gone, you have to look beyond the shadows in the sky.”

Vissiroy

1-3

The hall leading to the Thorn Keep was long and dim. Torches lined the walls on both sides barely lighting the hall. Between each of the torches was a crest of shield and sword. They were chiseled from stone but were then cast in molten iron. Each sword and shield was slightly different from the last. Shadows dances vigorously on the crests as a breeze filled the hall. The vaulted ceilings were high and hidden in the darkness, and Vissiroy walked silently as the shadows danced around him.

Vissiroy was a tall and slender beast, his skin a pale gray and seemed to be stretched over his large, round head, His all white deep set eyes seemed to be set on nothing but saw everything. While Vissiroy walked in silence all dressed in dark robes, the two beast of his personal guard were another matter. They were called Korgs, and they were a large and powerful race. Covered in thin crimson fur and thick muscle. They wore dark armor to match Vissiroy’s robes. Footsteps and armor rang through the hall as they approached a large white Feline beast.

“M’ Lord.” The beast spoke in a deep voice and he nodded his head. “Tyrain are the others here?” Vissiroy asked.

“Yes they await your arrival.” Tyrain was nearly as tall as Vissiroy and he always wore his armor, which covered most of his body. It was black with elegant inlays of gold.

Tyrain opened the door for his master and the two walked inside, leaving behind Mage and Rheager. Tyrain was not only the captain of Vissiroy’s guard but also his eyes and ears while he was out on patrol. He was an exiled prince from the jungle lands of the Far East but now he loyally served Vissiroy just as Vissiroy loyally served the king.

The thorn keep was a large round room, below the iron grate of the floor was a burning fire making the keep unpleasantly hot. The walls were all iron plating with pointed bones making the keep seem as if you were inside a giant mouth of metal. Something Vissiroy always thought as an intentional impression. Four of the seven members of the Court were already knelt before the king. Only Cleagor the master of coin and trade turned his head as Vissiroy approached the King. Vissiroy knelt down beside him and Tyrain followed. Cleagor was short and fat, with long un-groomed brown and gray fur soaked in sweat. Vissiroy could smell the stench of Red Rock as he knelt beside him.

Beside Cleagor was Minister Faux, the keeper of the sept, a place for empty worship of the King. He was old and worn looking with gray and white fur and weak looking eyes. He starred down at the floor never looking up or from to either side. Next was Blacksail, a sea-born beast and master of ship and fleet. A gray, scaled beast with a tight stretched out looking face and round, deep set eyes. Last of all was Aeormon, the high commander of the Kings army and warden of the slave camps.

Vissiroy thought fools of them all and trusted none, especially Aeormon who was born of common birth, arrogant, power hungry, and thirsty for blood by nature. Like the members of Vissiroy’s guard, Aeormon was a Korg only not a full-blooded Korg; only Vissiroy had no idea what the other race might be. Then there was the King himself, draped all in shadow except for his the end of his long flowing crimson cape and his bright burning yellow eyes.

Vissiroy had felt the Kings eyes starring him down as he approached as if they were trying to burn a hole right through his very soul. The king sat on a throne built from the flesh of his enemies and the bones of his victims. The throne stood atop a staircase ten feet high making the king look smaller then he actually was.

“Vissiroy, why do you insist on my waiting on you?" The King said in a tone that seemed to carry more than one voice and filled the throne room. “My apologies your Grace, but my lateness could not be helped. Due to the ineffectiveness of the town guard…”

“My beast were well in pursuit of the escapees before you intervened Vissiroy!” Aeormon interrupted.

“ Your guards were so drunk they couldn’t of found their feet, let alone your escaped slaves.” Vissiroy shot back.

“SILENCE!” The Kings said as his voice filled the keep and caused the metal floor to rumble slightly.

“I will not be subjected to the pitiful clash of your egos. I will just as soon take your heads before I take you insolence.” The king added and his threat was not an empty one at that. The previous commander of the guard had lost his head at the hands of the king or his spear-like tail as it were. The beast stood no more than three feet away from Vissiroy as the whip like tail lobbed his head off in the blink of an eye with deadly precession followed by a faint crack and a spray of blood which landed on Vissiroy’s face and robes.

The Beast was doomed to his fate after letting the Earth Priests escape into the white forest. Vissiroy wondered if the King would dispatch him so quickly after Vissiroy had practically handed him the throne almost twenty years earlier. Although Vissiroy had no regrets he still had dreams about that night. The night he had murdered the old king in his bedchamber whilst he slept. About the massacre of the old court due to a trap Vissiroy had set.

At the time Vissiroy had been a lowly advisor. The new king gave him gold and power. Gold to built his huge flying machines and power to rein terror on his enemies. Enemies he had plenty of. From the slums to the court Vissiroy would always be wary of those around him, even with his personal guard and those whom he called allies.

“Aeormon, explain your self!” The king demanded.

“I believe the human slaves may have had some help from one of the villagers. I have informants looking into the matter as we speak, my Liege.” Aeormon said.

“I am not pleased with the current conditions of the slave yard. Escapes attempts have doubled just in the past few months. Rectify this situation, put more beasts in the camps, increase your watches, or hire more guards. Whatever you have to do to prevent further incidents. Do I make myself understood?” The king said.

“Yes your grace I’ll get started right away.” Aeormon said bowing.

“Then I suggest you take your leave.” The king said and Aeormon quickly left the throne room, starring Vissiroy down as he passed.

“Blacksail.” The kings voiced boomed and the sea-beasts head snapped up. “My Lord.” Blacksail said.

“How do the ship yards fare?”

“Quite well my Lord. Labor has been increased by ten-fold in the last week. Your fleet will be ready to sail by the end of the year.” Blacksail said proudly.

“I want that fleet ready by the turning of the season. Increase your efforts another ten fold.”

“But my Lord...”Blacksail hesitated for a moment. “I will do as you command.” Blacksail said as he bowed his head.

”This session is at an end leave my sight. Except for you Vissiroy, we have much to discuss you and I.” The other’s left in silence and with haste, and Vissiroy stayed behind as commanded with Tyrain beside him.

“Why do you waste your time with Aeormon when you have more pressing priorities? Like the Icon.”

“My Lord you honor me with entrusting me with this most difficult…”

“ Spar me your honor Vissiroy, and show some promising results!” The king said.

The sound of chains began to rattle and clank from behind the throne. It would seem that the king’s pet had awakened. A grotesque looking man with a twisted face, most of his hair had been pulled out and what was left was thin and nappy. The right side of his face was terribly burned and the skin above his right eye was swollen and hung low. The mad dog of a man began to gnaw on a bone with teeth that had been filed down to points. The bone was probably left over from his supper. It was known that this man with no name ate the flesh of his own species. The eater of the flesh starred at Vissiroy as he chewed on the bone, an unsettling feeling washed over him.

“My Lord it is only a matter of time before the icon is yours. I promise you.” He said with a forced confidence.

“ I have had enough of your promises, and time is not a luxury you can afford. My patience wares thin and I grow tired of your lack of progress.” “My Lord I tirelessly search for the remaining Guttsu triplets, but the earless boy remains uncooperative. It is not easy to torture a boy who is already dead.”

“DO NOT TAKE ME FOR A FOOL! I know of the Childs attributes Vissiroy. Find the other two children, then find the icon, or find yourself facing my wrath. Is that understood?”

“Yes my Lord.”

Born

1-4

The forest was dark and full of strange creatures. Born knew he had to run, knew he was fleeing from something, but he dared not look back to find out what it was. The wind howled through the forest and the trees seemed to bend over as if they were trying to reach out to snatch up Born and carry him into the darkness. These were not normal trees, their bark was white and their branches had no leaves. They were tall, slender and twisted about in different directions.

The howling became louder and more intense the trees seemed more desperate and began to move more wildly. Suddenly the wind turned into a thousand different voices and was crying out and taunting Born in their undistinguishable words. The trees lashed out at Born grabbing and tugging at him with their thin tentacle like branches. But Born forced himself free and the benches snapped apart and fell to the ground and seemed to dissolve into nothing. Roots rose from the earth like spikes and threatened to trip Born as he dashed through the maze of trees.

Born wanted to run faster but his legs felt like sandbags as if baring ten times his weight. Born pressed on naked and bleeding for a dozen tiny cuts and scrapes. The forest continued to taunt him and try to tear him apart. Then the white forest burst into flames. The fire was intense and hot ambers began to rain down on Born, but he pressed on. Fleeing from madness. Then the fire came alive and something grabbed him from behind. Something like sharp talons dug into his shoulders and lifted him into the sky.

The forest quickly became a burning inferno below him as the hot burning wings of fire continued their assent. Born could feel his blood oozing from his wounds and seemed to began to boil, burning his skin as it glowed in the moonlight. Then the wings of fire spoke to Born.

‘Lost’ they told him.

‘You are the lost child. Find your self or forever parish in the darkness. You cannot hide from what you are, nor can you run forever. You are the lost child. Find your self or forever parish in the darkness.’ The wings of fire released him and Born Began to fall back down to the earth. It seemed like Born had been carried up a thousand miles into the sky and the tiny world began to rush towards him so fast everything began to blur. Falling. Tears ran from his eyes and into his hair. Blood from his wounds run off of his stomach and chest as the world came rushing at him.

“Born!” a voice called out to him from inside his head. But it wasn’t the voice from before and instead it sounded gentle and quite.

“Born get up!” the voice called out, and Born awoke from the land of dreams and nightmares and returned to the world. He sat up out of his bed in a violent desperate motion reaching out to nothing but air. He was drenched in a cold sweat and his body shivered. He could still feel the sting of the non-existing cuts from his dream.

“Everything is ok, your home now” the calming voice of a woman told him. He felt the warm gentle touch of the woman’s hand on his shoulder and he turned to see that she seemed so familiar but couldn’t put a name to her old winkled but comely face. Her hair was light brown with streaks of gray, her eyes the shape of almonds and the color of shinning sapphires. She sat next to him by the bed and was dressed in an old worn out gown with fading colors of brown and red.

Born realized that he was panting and short of breath. Still panicking from the monster with wings of fire.

“Please Born you need to relax, you’ve been running a fever all night.” The elderly woman said as she got up and walked about the room, tidying up this and that. Born looked around the room. It was small and round with a domed shaped ceiling and walls that seemed to be made of chiseled stone. From this Born could tell that they were underground somewhere. There was a hearth on the opposite side of the room with a tin kettle over the fire and a small round table with a few books and some small cups. Otherwise the room was very plain.

“Where am I?” Born asked the woman.

“Your in you own room Born. Your safe here.” The woman said with concern and uncertainty as she removed the kettle from the fire and poured hot water in to a small clay cup.

“Can you not remember anything? It’s me Fiona.” Though this woman looked familiar Born didn’t know whether she was his mother or his sister. Certainly she was not his lover.

“I’m sorry everything is so…mixed up. It’s hard to focus.” It was true, only the nightmare from before seemed to be a vivid memory. Everything else felt like a thousand tiny pieces scattered in his mind.

“I’m your foster mother. We found you while you were still very young. You’ve lived here most of your life.” Fiona sat back on the chair next to Born’s bed.

” Here drink this, it’ll help bring your fever down and make you feel a little better.” Fiona held the cup out with both hands. Born took the tea, it was steaming hot and smell of citrus. Born put the cup to his lips and took a small sip. It almost burned his mouth but it warmed his body up immediately and tasted sweet like honey and orange.

“Thank you, it’s very good.” Born said holding the warm cup in both hands. “It’s your favorite.” Fiona replied.

“ If you like I could fix you something to eat. You’re probably starving.” “That’s ok, I’m not really hungry right now.” It wasn’t really true Born was starving but for some reason the thought of food made his stomach turn. He figured he still felt sick from the nightmare, but that was already passing. “Born.” Fiona said as if she was about to ask a very important question. Born turned to see the worried look on her face.

“Yes Fiona.”

“ Do you feel alright you seemed to be having a nightmare or something? I mean do you feel sick or dizzy?” It seemed to be an odd question.

“No not really. I just feel a little tired but I’m ok. And…I don’t remember the dream.” Born suddenly remembered his friend from before.

“Where’s Judah?” Born asked to quickly change the subject.

“He’s meeting with the Elders. He said he would return shortly after to check on you.” Fiona said.

“What happened to me? I can’t remember anything. I mean I know this room, and that I know you and Judah, but I couldn’t remember that before you said something to me. Why was I gone? Where did I go? I don’t even remember yesterday, or last week, or what I’ve been doing all these years.” Born was frustrated with the thought of not knowing what had happened to himself for most of his life.

“ It’s alright dear. All these things will return to you in time. They always do.” Fiona replied.

“What do you mean by Always do?” Fiona sighed just slightly.

” You have a condition. You’ve had ever since we found you when you were very young, about two years old. You have these blackouts every once and a while. Sometimes you disappear for a few hours, sometimes a few days. You don’t remember what you did or where you go, but you usually remember whom you are. For some reason this time you don’t remember. Maybe it’s because you blacked out for a long period of time. I don’t know.”

Born had a strange feeling that Fiona was holding something back. That there was something she wanted to tell him but wasn’t sure if she should. Born was certain he would know in good time.

A contest entry

Please tell me what you think

    : , Your review:

    Comment Suggestion: What is your your first impression?
    : Cost: 0 free left 0 points, You have 0. (?) (Line numbers)
    Ratings:

Comments

  • HoneyAngel
    August 4, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    I'm sure this is a great story, and I might read it after the contest but I said nothing more then 3000, sorry. I don't want to seem like a bitch or anything but I did ask for a certain word limit and while I'll be lenient with a few hundred words over a thousand is too much.

    I promise though that I'll still read and comment on your story at a later date.

    Angel


  • eyeambaldman
    August 4, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    His mind draws a painful blank, as he can’t even remember who he is or what his name is. ---I think this sentence ends a bit awkward...try "His mind draws a painful blank, and he can't even remember his own name." That flows a tad better and basically covers the same thing.

    I'm not sure why a lot of people attempt to write in present tense. It's so awkward-sounding....especially here where you slip from present to past too easily which amkes it a bit confusing to read.

    "Born continued to lay in the mud his head swimming about in a storm of confustion."---in this sentence you called the man by name before he knew who he was...then introduce him later with Judah finds him...I think I would cut out the use of Born's name the 1st time and wait until Judah finds him.

    You've used the word "ally" twice...and I think you mean "alley."

    OK, so how is that the three runaways can be captured, but Born isn't even looked at? That seems confusing--especially since the warning that Judah gave him about being sought.

    After reading this, I'm wondering about the introduction. It seems too vague. You don't outline anything like the world or city this takes place in. Instead, it's a bunch of ambiguities that don't give the reader any sense of what is going to happen. In fact, I see this a lot. Prologues such as this need to have something happen that you can then bring back in later--something important. Here, we have only a generic use of imagery that tells us the "world" is going to shit...we just don't know the "when" or the "where" of this world. See what I mean?

    You have good use of description, which is very impressive. I'd just like to see it developed a bit more. Sci-fi/fantasy such as this that seem to blur the lines between the two genres are quite difficult to pull off. I think you have the talent to do it, but I'd like to see reconsider some of your ideas and make changes for the better. Keep it up!


    • Chaos84
      August 6, 2007
      Edit | Reply

      Your comment was most helpful

      As far as saying Born's name before Judah introduces him, that was a mistake. I didn't plan on revealing his name before Judah finds him so I will correct that little mishap. The intro is meant to be vague and the world will be revealed through the eyes of each character as they experince it. suspence play a mayjor role in the first part of the story. Chapter by chapter you will learn of the world in which the story takes place in. I have chapters 5-7already posted and still plan on doing a lot of editing.